Pressure

I wake up from the agony
The constant vice of pain
Wrapped around my brain
It's cold outside
And I can't explain
Why today the pressure
Is shattering my skull.

I pop the pills
In an attempt to relieve
The misery that's overcome me.
Three different kinds of rememdy
And no relief.
My eyes are swollen
My gums are bloody
The pressure destroys my
thoughts until there are none.

I feel the inside of my ears
The drums being beaten
The cavities being filled
A valentine's day gift
I'd like to return.
I want to escape
Go back to a day where there's sun.
Before I had succumbed
to all this sinus pressure.

MeeMaw

I sit down to write you a letter,
but I fear it won't be enough
to lift your spirits.
I want to get a smile out of you.

I guess I could pick up the phone,
but the words won't form.
I get overwhelmed with how much I miss you.
I don't want you to hear my tears.

I would like to send you an e-mail,
but you don't own a computer.
And I wonder if I could get through
the years of distance with one hello to you.

I send the cards when I'm supposed to -
the birthday, the christmas holiday.
The one I wish I didn't need;
that get well card was sincerely meant.

My love is always yours,
as far back as I can remember,
I've adored you.

Your sweet smelling perfume.
The prim and proper ruffled tops.
The hair in a bun at first dark brown
then a soft gray.

You're the one true person that will
always be a part of me.

All my love,
Little Irene

Something Inside of Me

there's something inside of me i can't control. my life swirls and twirls by me while i sit in the passenger seat and watch an invisible hand on the steering wheel drive me mad. i'm living in a circle of distrust. and the one person i reach out to won't call me back.

i'd go anywhere, even to the ocean, which i fear to get rid of you. i'd go to the circus, even though i hate clowns, to get you out of my head. just tell me what you want me to do and i'll follow through or i'd at least try to

there's something inside of me defeating my purpose and stealing my hope. i want to set it free. i want to let it runaway, but like a moth to a flame i can't separate it from me.

i'd say anything if you'd stay. i'd tell you that you're right and i'm wrong, even if it's not true, though it is. i'd lay down all my guilt so you could walk all over it, just like you walked all over me. i want you back, i do, but not really.

there's something inside of me spewing nonsense and telling lies. i want to turn it off. it has to have a abort button somewhere. i need to find a path to bypass it. i think i can't survive without it.

Southern Jim

I tried to put myself in the shoes of a soldier's wife. My brother was in Iraq for awhile, thankfully he came home safely. I wish all of our soldiers come home safe and sound to their waiting families.

My beloved, southern Jim, i miss you most at night, when the house is dark and i lie in our bed, instead of hearing your snoring, there's only silence.

i know it's hard for you too. so much harder for you then us here. my sweet southern Jim, your soul is drying up and your skin is getting burnt and you sleep every night in dirt. i feel your hurting and i want you to know that whatever you do over there doesn't change the man you are to me.

if there's blood on your hand's, wash them clean. it's you doing only what you've been ordered to do. you're a good soldier and a good man. my compassionate southern Jim, let the guilt rest upon the shoulders of those that called you to war. Don't let the evil corrupt your soul. i still love you my darling, my southern Jim.

i sing our song in my head. it's been ours since high school, but it's just as beautiful today as is our love that still remains for each other. i blame myself for where you are. if we'd had more time before our babies came, then you'd been able to get more education. the educated have more choices. they have more of everything, my brave, southern Jim.

but don't you worry about the money. you did what you needed to do to support our growing family. please believe me when i say i'm proud of you and the fight you battle inside yourself everyday. be safe, my love, my southern Jim

i'm watching the political scene shifting quicker then the sand you're always covered in. things are looking as if chaos is coming full speed ahead, so please, keep your head down and my picture tucked in the pocket of your uniform over your heart. i'm there with you every second. i'd never leave you, my southern Jim

my beloved, southern Jim, i'll always be your northern belle. no nation or war can destroy what only love has built. rest in peace, my husband, my best friend, my lover, my children's father. i already miss you beyond repair. i'll see you again one day in heaven, my wonderful, southern Jim. Save some mint julip for me in heaven, my one and only southern Jim.

The Power of Thought

i think i'm beautiful then i am beautiful. i think i'm smart then i am smart, i think i'm confident then i am confident. i think positively then i am positive. it worked for miss piggy, moi, hi-ya! that tony robbins made a fortune with his can do attitude. so why not me? i can do it too.

"SHUT UP U F*CKING TREKKIE RESISTANCE IS FUTILE"

u are stupid. u are fat. u are lazy. u r negative. u r negative. that's what u r. that's who i am. i can't untangle the darkness strangling my brain to death. my thoughts spiral downward into depression's familiar kiss. can God save me from my own abyss?

"SHUT UP U WHORE. U R NO ONE. U R NOTHING. STOP UR BITCHING. I'M F*CKING SICK OF IT."

these thoughts won't leave, damn these dark thoughts.

these thoughts won't leave, damn these dark thoughts.

cut open my head, pull out my brain, clean it with bleach until it's pristine, then i'll be free.

i'll be dead, but baby, that's better then being who i am.

Cheetos

my crime is all over my fat hands and shirt. the orange dust, instantly identifies i finished a whole bag of CHEETOS in the car on my way home from work

so slow-ly, so slow, slow, slowly, so slowly, I'm eating myself to death

i had a hot fudge cake, whip cream, no cherry, saved me a calorie. drove home with the windows down on a hot summer's day. i sweated hot fudge sauce from every pore it poured out of me.

so slow-ly, so slow, slow, slowly, so slowly, I'm eating myself to death

I got my 5 way today with 3 cheese coneys with everything at Gold Star Chili and I washed it all down with a big glass of ice water, cutting back on the extra fattiness these days

so slow-ly, i'm so slowly, we're slowly, i'm slow----ly, america is slow, slow, slowly, eating ourselves to death. Rock on Fat People like ME, now I really do want a bag of CHEETOS, not CHEETAHS!!!!

I Chase Away All the Good

my heart has dried out smaller then the grinch's before he gave back christmas. i'm in the middle of a love drought, unable to find an oasis to save me from these hallucinations. i'm dying slowly each man at a time. i go through them like there's an endless supply. i can't settle and i won't compromise. i chase away all the good in my life.

i like the bed all to myself. i love my bed more then anyone else. there's only room for one. you might visit when i want some sex, but the invitations short lived and i move on. ignore me, store me in tupperware. throw me in the freezer, cut off all my hair. you were ok and the chemistry was in the middle of the periodic table. put the sparks fade, the light's dim, and i chase away all the good in my life.

i've been accused of many crimes. i've committed some and got away barely every time. the infractions were small but the message was clear, i believed the laws are bendable if you know how to play to the crowd. public opinion is panicing people too scared to read the facts. knee jerk reactions lead to law changes that can't be enforced because the officers are outnumbered. so i chase away all the good.

i can make all the observations i want. i can talk nonsense and bash anyone in the world because i have free speech but am i free. my taxes eat away any hope i'll ever escape from my debt. thank god debtor's prison no longer exists. i'd be there living on water and bread. i chase away all the good.

there's no point in living if you lay in bed all day. prop up the pillows and hacksaw open my brain. find the section that is rotted and black, cut it out so it never grows back. then maybe one day i'll stop chasing all the good away.

Empty Valentine

Valentine's day on the horizon;
Love in the sunset.
I haven't met him yet.
My reservation has been cancelled.
My red roses are dead.
And I feel empty inside.

Love is an elusive feeling;
I keep chasing without success.
It never lasts long enough for me.
Feb. is bitter sweet misery.
My chocolates have spoiled.
My stuffed animals are in the trash.

Nothing says I love you like murder;
Diamonds that sparkle and shine blind you.
My heart's been ripped out one too many times.
My balloons have deflated.
My glass slipper has shattered.
And I feel empty inside.

Nothing That Would Interest Me

How do you know my story after looking at me for 10 seconds?
Do you always judge a book by it's cover?
I know I don't look like a model.
I'm ordinary and natural.
I'm a real woman with real love to give.
But that's nothing that would interest you.

I confess I liked your smile,
But I always want to know more.
And you, slammed the door in my face.
So, of course, now I know,
You are nothing that would interest me.

It's so funny in this superficial world to hear such harsh
and thoughtless words.
Everyone rushes to judgement,
like love has a time limit.
These fast food 99 cent relationships have
nothing that would interest me.

I want to go back in time,
to when people took their time to say hello
and get to know who you are on the inside.
Today everyone's too busy to find someone to interest them.

So I'll keep moving forward, cuz there's
nothing that would interest me here.

To This Day

It was all so long ago,
All my friends thought you were too fine,
but I had a secret that was all mine.
It's not you I still think about.
It's not you I still dream about.
Your brother's smile haunts me to this day.

He was nice and you were mean.
He was the one that sped up my heartbeat.
I was weak and followed the crowd,
but I wanted to shout outloud,
you've got the wrong one,
you've got the bad one.
His Brother's dancing eyes haunt me to this day.

I was so young and had no clue.
He seemed shy and I was tongue tied.
I wonder if I had told him that I adored him,
if he would have even cared.
It's impossible to know the answers to questions so old.
The longing to run my fingers through his dark silky hair
haunt me to this day.

I even look for him sometimes online when he crosses my mind,
but he isn't the technical kind.
I remember playing hide n seek in the dark.
He jumped down from a tree and scared the heck out of me.
His deep laughter haunts me to this day.

I bet he doesn't even remember me.
It's been so long ago.
We grew up on the same road
but our paths haven't crossed in over 20 years.
My wondering how he is haunts me to this day.

I used to walk by his parent's house to catch a glimpse of him.
How stupid my 13 year old self seems to me now.
But I'll never forget him, even if his memory
haunts me until my dying day.

Chasing Rabbits

I'm chasing rabbits down holes that don't exist.
I'm holding onto illusions of granduer.
I'm investing money into losing lottery tickets.
The jokes on me, cuz I'm kidding myself.
All thoughts of happiness are a mirage.
Existence is brutal and resistance is futile.

I'm running into dead ends.
I'm killing time with vacant stares.
I'm choking on the chicken into unconsciousness.
The jig is up, my two left feet tripped me up.
All hopes of good health are dashed.
Aches are everywhere and pain is my new drug.

I'm talking to people that have forgotten me.
I'm lying to all of us.
I'm thinking in reverse rememberances.
The clocks run out, my time has passed.
All dreams of success are burned to the ground.
My heart's too old and my soul has been sold.

But I keep chasing those rabbits down those non-existent rabbit holes.

Love is Hard

I break myself.
I hurt myself.
I am the criminal.

I'm searchingthrough my mind's database
for some sign of intelligent life,
but I'm all I have.

In the end you're always alone.
Why reach out?
Why touch?
Why feel?
I prepare for the end.
Being alone is easy,
Love is Hard.

I forget you.
I leave you.
I am the unattached.

I'm running down my past lovers,
asking them why did they leave,
but they won't answer me.

In the end you're always alone.
Why love?
Why dream?
Why hope?
I am ready for it to end.
Being alone is easy,
Love is hard.

Thought Four

The day is dark and dreary.
The rain comes down icy cold.
I feel so at home on days like this.
It's like my mind is a canvas and it's painted the world with a reflection of itself.
I want to wrap my arms around me and pretend I don't like the cold.
But I know I embrace it.
My eyes are twitching and itching to cry, but I still hold the tears back.
I see crying as surrendering to reality.
I am not ready to give up on me.
Someday, somewhere out there, there's got to be someone who will love me.

Thought Three

I am adrift in a black hole of confusion.
I can't see a way out.
I am being smothered by life's nothingness.
I look at myself in the mirror.
I don't know myself anymore.
What's wrong with me?
I keep tripping myself.
I believe God has abandoned me or
Did I abandon him?
I don't have hope.
I can't feel.
Numb.

Thought Two

I see people everywhere.
They look straight ahead.
Their heads facing downward in fear of making eye contact with others.
I am in a room full of people.
I am totally alone.
I can't feel anybody else's pain.
I am drowning in my own pool of misery.
Where did all the love for thy neighbor go?
Today every one is too on the go to pay attention to someone other then themselves.
It's a lose-lose situation.
The world gets colder while the crust gets hotter.
I look up to the sky and pray for all of the human race.

Thought One

Am I real?
Did I imagine me?
I feel like I am so much more then what others see me to be.
I don't know what to do about it.
I am perplexed over my anxiety to over achieve.
I am lazy and restless.
I am bored and depressed.
I want to be in love.

I want a man.
Yes, I confessed.
I want a man in my life.
My other half whether it's for better or worse.
I am tired of facing off with the world alone.
I am trying too hardto be what a man would find appealing.
I pursue any man that shows interest until his interst is killed by my over enthusiasm.
I can't win for losing.

Still Searching

I can't make a stand,
I don't believe in anything.
I can't take your hand,
I'm not worthy.

I'm still searching.
My life's upside down.
I'm residing inside myself.
I'll call you when I find myself.

The harder I try the more I fail.
My luck is nil.
I take another pill,
just to get through the day.

I'm full of worry.
My heart can't take much more.
I miss you baby.
But I can't stay.
It's all mixed up.

I see a long road before me.
My memory will hold you.
I'm still searching for love.

Jane Doe

I am average.
I am invisible.
I am the girl next door.
I am Jane Doe.

The girl you forget.
The girl you ignore.
The girl full of doubts.
I am Jane Doe.

I hide in the open.
My secrets swept under the rug.
My heart upon the shelf.
I am Jane Doe.

I sacrificed my innocence for a little love.
I held myself under water until I drowned.
I tied my hands behind my back, stabbed my
own heart out and gave it to you on a silver platter.
You ate it up and asked for another.
I am Jane Doe.

You see through me like a window.
I see you like a door,
I can't unlock you to get through to you.
I am Jane Doe.

I am plain.
I can't explain.
I am weird.
I am Jane Doe.

I'm lost in a sea of faces.
You look past me like I'm not here.
You can't recall my name.
I am Jane Doe.

I am confused by the basics.
I trip over my own tongue.
I don't have alot of common sense.
I am Jane Doe.

I have blond hair.
I have gray eyes.
I am freckled face and wide eyed.
I am Jane Doe.

I was your toy to pass the time.
Now someone more exotic has caught your eye.
You tell me to move along,
but I just stare at you.
Your patience is wearing thing,
but I don't care.
I know I was just a Jane Doe to you.

Still

Images of you keep floating in my mind,
It's like another time.
I keep tripping on the past,
wondering why we didn't last.
I still miss you.
I still love you.

I think we could make another go of it.
We could figure out loves tricks.
Be together again; I don't know where you are.
You're in my heart.
You're on my mind.

I keep searching for love, but it's always been you.
I dream about you all the time.
I wish you were still mine.
I am looking for you.
I adore you.
I hope I find you soon.
I hope you remember me too.
The way I remember you.

I love you still.
It's been so long for us to be apart.
It's time we give it another start.
We've been on different roads for a long time.
It's time we circle around to each other.
My love for you has never died.
It's been waiting.
I've been anticipating the day I get to kiss you again.

Your blue eyes haunt my nights.
Day in and day out you're in my thoughts.
Are you happy?
Are you missing me too?
I should've been the first one,
but we missed our chance to imprint each other for life.
You loved me since the 5th grade.
I loved you since the 7th grade.
Why didn't it ever work?
Why did I turn away?
Was it not our day?

I still miss you.
I still love you.
I still want you in my life.
By my side for good times and bad.
No one else has ever stirred up my passions this bad.
I still hope one day we can still be.

Rain

I got a speeding ticket, 95 dollars I don't have gone.
An ice cream carton hit me in the jaw on Sunday,
Only I can get hurt like that.
I got dragged by a great dane and fell.
Today it's supposed to rain.
But it's been raining on me all week.
Rain keeps pouring down on my soul,
beating me down until I feel so low.

I couldn't crawl out of this hold my mood has fallen into.
Rain keeps pouring down on my soul,
drowning all my hopes.
I'm so damn depressed.
Rain, Rain,it's raining down on me.

I replied to 16 personal ads online and no responses.
The car is falling apart.
My credit is in ruins.
There's a judgement against me and I don't even know what that means.
I'm swimming in rough waters of debt without a life perserver.
Only I could screw up my finances this bad.
Today it's supposed to rain.
But I've been getting rained on for days.

Rain keeps pouring down on my soul,
sweeping away all of my dreams.
I'm so damn depressed.
Rain, Rain go away.
Rain, Rain stop raining down on me.

I hate rainy days.

What I Know

Here's what I know -
I'm 38 years old.
I can't pay all my bills.
I feel 80 and hurt all day long.
I have alot of headaches.
I could bitch and groan all day long,
but I know I'll bore you.

Here's what I know -
No one can see inside of my head.
I have no significant other.
I don't balance my checkbook.
And I can't walk a straight line.
I throw up when I drink.
And I only take what's prescribed.

Here's what I know -
It's not the best life,
but it ain't the worst life.
It's somewhere in the middle.
And it's got good days;
There seem to be more bad days ahead.
But I know you're bored already,
So I'll fast forward.

Here's what I know -
Appreciate what you have.
Longing for more just get's you upset.
You get caught up in daydreams that
keep you from getting ahead.
When it rains it pours.
And death really does come in 3's.

Here's what I know -
It isn't much, but it's all I got to teach the world.
Every one gets depressed;
No matter how happy they seem.
Life isn't perfect for anyone,
if you know what I mean.

Here's what I know -
Every woman thinks another woman is prettier then them.
It's just human nature to hold a grudge.
And peace doesn't come with forgiveness.
Your worst enemy is the voice inside your head.
Listen to your heart;
it whispers so low it's hard to hear,
but I know it guides you better than your ego.

That's what I know.
Like I said it's not alot.
But maybe as I get older it'll grow.
So take it and use it as you must.
You probably know more then I do
So I won't bore you with more detail.
It's what I know
Not how I know it
But How I know how to use it.

Sore Toe

I am odd.
I am bizarre.
I am your worst nightmare on steroids.

You are scared.
You are lying.
And I will find out what you know.

I will never let go.
I'll be like a sore toe.

You stubbed your toe;
You tripped over the lies that you told.
You tried to squeeze into smaller shoes.
You tried to fit into my glass slippers.
I told you that was the last time.

I am strange.
I am unusual.
I am chaos reborn in human form.

I can chase you down.
I can make you face your demons.
I will overthrow everything you know.

I'll never quit.
I'll be like a sore toe.

You stubbed your toe;
You tripped over the lies you told.
You tried to walk a mile in my shoes.
You tried to take something that wasn't yours.
I told you that was the last time.
I'm slicing you off of my foot for good this time.

Break Free

I'm sick of sitting around waiting for things to happen.
I'm too tired to go out and find some action.
Why don't they sell sin door to door?
I think they'd make a fortune, for sure.

I'm so down to earth, I'm sinking under it.
I'm so into staying home, I never leave it.
There's got to be a way to break free of this rut that I'm stuck in.
I just can't see my way out.
I'm dug in and pinned down.

I want to break free.
I want to be implusive.
I don't want to worry what tomorrow will bring.
I want to break free.
Ride upon a wave of fun.
Run around with no shoes on.
I want to break free from being me.

There are bills to pay and chores to do.
I got list so long I'll never get through.
I see disaster around every corner.
I want to lock the world out.
I want to shut down.

For every second I have fun,
There's 10 more minutes of work to be done.
I'm tied to the daily grind.
I married the dishpan last night.

There's got to be a way to break free from these weeds
and swing from the trees while
screaming out all of my frustrations.
I want to break free.
Ride upon a wave of fun.
Run around with no shoes on.
I want to break free from being me.

Hate

I hate the world. I hate the world.
Stop the planet I want to get off.
I hate this place. I hate my face.
I hate world peace. I hate your crossed eyes.
I hate my thighs, My fat ugly thighs.
I hate heights, my rage builds me up.
Then I explode, but you keep coming around.
Get out of here, I don't want you here.
I hate you. I hate you. You're disgusting.
You're ugly. You're nothing.
Then I walk away from the mirror.

My mission is clear. hate. hate. hate.
I hate myself. I hate a sunny day.
I hate blue skies. I love dark and gloomy,
every day should be that way.
It's charcoal black inside of my heart.
My hate has festered and ripped it apart.
I hate my dreams. I hate my schemes.
I hate to lie. I hate my hands.
I hate these demands. I hate you and I hate me too.
I have hate for breakfast.
I have hate for lunch.
I have hate for dinner.
And self-loathing is my dessert.
damn, it hurt to hate this much.

I hate my bulbous nose.
I hate my yellow teeth.
I hate my big fat hairy toes.
I bet you ain't got any of those.
I hate my laugh. mock me while you can.
I hate you. I hate me. I hate the world I see.
The world hates me too.
I've got pure hate running through my veins.

My hate keeps me up late.
My hate makes me think.
I need to find more way to hate.
I hate to eat. I hate to throw up.
I hate to starve. I hate sharks.
I hate being smart. I hate by belly button.
I hate being naked. I hate happines..
I hate myself the most. I hate to hate me.
but feeling hate is better then feeling nothing.
I hate me and I hate you too.

Fly Away

I wish I could fly away
Even if it's just for one day
Soar above the clouds
Gaze at the stars
I'd be free from these problems
that are dragging me down

fly, fly, fly away
just for one day
fly, fly, fly away
go out and play
forget your troubles and
fly, fly, fly away with me

i want to fly away
somwhere exotic
where i'm waited on
nothing is overlooked
i'll sit and watch the sunset
i'll drink nectar from the vines
i'll find some peace of mind

so let's fly away
just for one day
fly, fly, away with me.