Look a Penny

what was i doing?
where was i going?
i hate when i do that!
my train of thought jumped the tracks
and it ain't coming back.

when did i become the forgetful one?
i think my brain is rotting.
the knowledge is disappearing.
my life is going to fade away
and no one will remember me.

sadness plays me like a violin.
sheltered from reality,
i want to fly south
and keep myself locked away,
before i hurt the ones i love.

my tears drop into my bubble bath.
the cherry blossom scent masks the smell of my disappointment.
i try not to stutter.
i know my reaction was stunted,
but i was caught off guard.
i don't know how to respond when you tear me down in one breath,
then compliment me in your next.

my brain doesn't fire rounds as quickly as your mouth does.
the trigger sticks and is hard to pull like molasses.
the cold has me confused,
there i go and use the wrong words with you again.
i want to hoard you in my bedroom,
seal you in behind the clutter of my love.

what was i doing?
what point was i trying to make?
i started this then stopped;
it's been an hour since i first had this thought.
all is lost to time's unrentless march.
oh, look a penny, it's so shiny!

Zygote

wow, 2 off hand comments in 1 call leave me reeling and discombobulated.
i had hoped we were moving forward, but i see now we've been twirling around in circles on the dance floor of our friendship.

i'm not little and my uterus isn't good enough for your zygote!

ther's not much i can do.
i'll never be her.
and i realize now you aren't letting her go.
so i'm the back up, 2nd place,
not even a qualified replacement for you.
you're still looking to date.
i'm not even registering as a potential mate.
i give up.
she wins.

i'm shutting down my attachment to you.
i no longer want to please you.
i don't want to see you.
but i will.

why? because i'm in love with you.
and to have some of you is better then none of you.
i'm coming to a crossroads here,
and i don't know which way to turn.

do i stick with the status quo?
or rock the boat?
do i make a demand?
or attempt to manipulate you?
i don't know what i want or need anymore.

and there's not much i can do.
but hang around and see if in time you end up wanting me.

Tuesdays Depress Me

it's hard to belong to you, when you waiver.
my hopes rise and die on your behavior.
the adjectives fail to describe you.

the soldiers around my heart surrendered
you took my white flag to sail away
another lover torn asunder
one more tale for you to tell

drums beating
ears ringing
a cold wind whistling
my breathing visible
the air falling
my heart breaking
guns, guns, guns

it's why i don't cry anymore
your betrayal conquered my soul
my faith in humanity died with yours
the verbs aren't enought to finish you

the bars around my being are absolute
i literally too your heart as my possession
another lover torn apart
one more headstone to pass in the park

Chasing Love

You make me feel convenient and insignificant.
If it wasn’t me you were talking to right now, you’d just find someone else.
I don’t soothe your soul.
I am a boost to your ego.
The longer I play this game the more it hurts me.
The damages are racking up.
Soon, I will not be able to pay the bill.
Then what will I be able to give you?

Your words are unintended, thoughtless, and careless.
I gather them up and store them in my head.
I pick them apart, knowing, you don’t realize what you said.
It’s the off handed remarks that truly reveal how you feel about me.
And the news isn’t good.

I am a toy.
I am a sexual distraction.
You try to compliment me, but it makes me feel worse.
I don’t see how I can leave you unscathed at this point.
Your eyes will never see that I can be what you need.
I will never fill the void she left inside of you.

You tell me not to try.
You tell me it’s not like I think.
That we are okay just the way it is.
So why am I craving so much more?

I try to make it about sex.
I am working hard to become detached.
I try to tune out my sub-conscience.
But you won’t take what I want to give,
And you won’t feed me what I crave.
This impasse will be the death of us.
And I have to laugh, because according to you, there is no us to die.

I am overstepping my boundaries.
I am overstaying my welcome.
And if I push to the point you break,
You will push back until I cave.
You are the stronger personality.

I am weak. I am wrong.
I am the first one to walk.
I don’t want to tell you how I feel anymore.
I don’t want to get tied up in your words.
I am not confused.
I am not angry.
I am disappointed in me and in you.

Fire dances around us.
The moon is full and bright.
The signs tell us we could be strong.
I could be the one to love you forever and always.
Beloved and adored, I could be yours.
I know why you don’t want me.
I blame my lack of good timing.
I am always chasing after love, but it never chases me.
No one ever chases me.

Death is Black

sadness creeps into my soul
as the cold chills my bones.
life swirls around me
in colors of the christmas season.
they sparkle and shine
but all i feel is remorse.

the past dangles regrets in front of me.
i begin to get tangled up
in daydreams of what could have beens.
the ghosts dance circles in my mind.
they softly chime,
come join us, this is the time.

death is black.
and birth is pink.
in the middle of them i've lost perspective.
i'm the one that is forgetting.
i'm the one that can't let go.
my shoulders ache from this load.
how many more years must i suffer
the pain of another christmas without you?

What I Wanted

right now with snow on the ground,
i'm wondering if you miss me.
happiness is as fleeting as these snow flurries.
and i'm afraid your affections will cool.
now that i've tasted you,
i fear no other man will be as good.

i think about you with every breath.
i try to relax. i know you're hurt.
but i count down the minutes
until i can feel your warmth.
you're all the man i need.
and you're the man i've always wanted.

right now with the heat cranked up to 80,
i'm wondering if you love me.
lonliness is anxiously waiting for you to leave,
but i don't ever want to be without you.
now that i've held you,
i fear no other man will do.

i dream about you every night.
i try to be cool. i know you're easy to spook.
but i'm like a kid on christmas eve,
i can't wait to wake up to see you the next morning,
but i'm too excited to sleep.
you're all the man i need.
and you're the man i've always wanted.

Christmas be good to me.
Santa bring me his love.
and it'll be the gift that never fades.
He's all the man I need.
and He's the man I've always wanted.

A Badly Written Sonnet For You

Dearest friend of mine, I wrestle with my heart.
My thoughts have become entwined with yours.
The closer we become the more I fear we'll fall apart.
You've snuck through all my defenses to my core.

Alone, I struggled in the world for so long.
My hopes had faded until sorrow ruled.
But you found me here, like a song,
I began to feel chords long subdued.

Your smile and laughter are music to my soul.
Just as I had forgotten how to love,
Your honest words filled my emotional holes.
Crazy as it sound, you fit me like a glove.

My beloved man, take me by my hand.
Together, we click, certain to never disband.

Crumbs

crumbs on my sweater make me laugh.
age hasn't made me any neater.
i'm clumsy and weak.
you'd never believe all of my stories.
the times i have just fallen over
or the black eye i got from a carton of ice cream.

i'm packing up my emotional baggage
it's going on vacation.
somewhere nice, so it can relax.
it's been burned out for a long time.
i'm gonna miss it, but not the bitterness that went with it.

crumbs on the desk make me smile.
i'm always making a mess.
i'm content and fat.
you'd never guess i'm germ-a-phobic.
the way i avoid public restrooms
and won't eat at a buffet.

i'm discarding my mental defects.
they're going to retire.
somewhere far away from here,
so they can't come back to haunt me.
i'm not gonna worry about them anymore.

crumbs all over the place.
it's just who i am.
so much more then how i eat.
i need to give myself a break.
i need to leave crumbs,
so i can always find my way back.

The Hospital

another 4 hours i won't get back
sitting on a gurney with a cold back
another medical scare
i am getting sick of these
i'm starting to not care

needles in my arm
veins missed and bruises formed
legs scanned for blood clots
it's just the pill
but i'm fat and old
so too much can go wrong

i didn't want to say anything
i'd rather just die
but i'm scared to die
so i do as i'm told
but it's all okay
just more money thrown away

i'm not sick
i'm not sick
i'm not ill
i'm not ill
i'm not diseased
i'm not diseased

please just leave me be.
i'm tired and alone.
i'm my own worse enemy.
i feed off concern and sympathy.
i don't want to die,
but i'm not alive.

God help me let go of this negativity.
my feelings are my only handicap.
cleanse me of my impurities
let me see how blessed life can be.
no more hospitals for me.

he makes me happy

he makes me happy
he makes me feel naughty
the chemistry between us is electric
but he's not mine to keep
and i fear one day he'll make me weep.

i'm working on enjoying the moment.
the way he hugs me
like he never wants to let me go
how he smiles when i laugh
the feeling of his heartbeat under my hand

little things about him keep me amazed
he's like no other man i've ever been with
i don't want it to ever end
but the gloomy part of me knows it will

he makes me happy
he has a hold over me
the days i am with him are the best ones yet
but he's not mine to love
and i fear one day he'll move on

3 Kisses

slowness grows upon my bones
reverse osmosis stalls my degradation
on top of the mountain i made from a dirty clothes pile
i am queen of everything i own
which is mostly the cheapest things i can buy
one kiss from you undid all i knew

yellow dr. pepper caps scattered on my desktop
they wait to unlock a prize for me
this is all i used to have to look forward to
two kisses from you raised my expectations

tv was my social calendar
i scheduled my life around the make believe world
thinking i have no need for more
i can live alone
i am my own best friend
three kisses from you showed me that's not true
i need you!

This

i don't care at all
if you still love her
cuz it's me you hold
my hopes are higher
then a 60's hippie trippin
all i ask is this
no lies
no secrets and
no promises you can't keep

tell me your worries
share your fears with me
i want to be your confidant
my heart beats your name
your voice brightens my day
all i want is this
no lies
no secrets and
no promises you won't keep

i can see us together,
old and happy
cuz we fit like 2 peas in a pod
you're the one that gets me
my lover and best friend
the one i can die with in the end
just give me this
no lies
no secrets and
no promises we can't keep

Ruin Me

you listen to me long enough so you can disagree.
you are sure that you are better then me at everything.
i'm getting tired of always being wrong with you.
maybe this isn't healthy for me anymore.

you tell me you'll ruin me.
i like to please and you like to tease.
i avoid confrontation and you like to be in my face.
there's no 1/2 way point to meet you at.

i listen to you talk about your passions.
i think i don't really care.
but the subject matter is the only thing i don't love.
you are frustrating as much as you are captivating.

you like to say you'll ruin me.
i can't stand up for myself so you'd run over me.
i offer to be brave and you lecture me to be me.
then you tell me to be assertive and if i am
you still don't want me, i can't win.

it hurts when you beat me down.
my feelings are letting me down.
i want to step away and quit you.
but i need to hear more about how passive i am.

what you say has more sway then you think
i want you to ruin me,
i think you should try.
i might surprise us both.
but you've already made up your mind.
you don't want to try and you never did.

After The Test

relief floods through me.
i am free.
i am clear.
my future opens up and
only I can hold me back.

truth is clearer when death is nearer.
fear distorts your vision.
doubt filters your hearing.
my insecurities tied me down.
now reality has direct access to me.

i am building a new world.
hope is abundant.
optimism is my fuel.
my smile leads the way.
no obstacles can stop me now.

after the test i found new zest.
dancing is fun.
laughing is good.
my mood is through the roof.
my old friend misery got kicked to the door.
no negativity is allowed anymore.

I have a Problem

Piled high on the table sit cook books.
All shapes and sizes abound.
There's cookies, cakes, and casseroles.
Modern tips and tricks, plus 70's citche.
I have to keep them all.

My mother's handwriting captured in a pickle relish recipe.
The curve of the o's, the slant of the l's.
It brings back memories of her smile.
I have a problem.
When I see a cook book I feel connected.

I collect them, but I don't cook often.
I have magazines and cards.
I have clippings, and little pieces of cardboard.
There's never enough.
85 total books and I want more.
The flea market has them for 2 bucks.
I'm told I need to stop, but I can't.

Just picking up a one with tons of pictures can cheer up my day.
It's one of the ways I spend a raining day.
It opens up my mind back to a time when my family would gather
around the kitchen table and fill the room with laughter.
I miss those days, so I open up a cook book to escape.
I don't see that as a problem.

Bolder

Fear sits on the back of my mind.
What linger's unknown in my near future unsettles me?
I feel bolder, like it's time to buck my terrors.
If now is all I have then I have no reason not to try.
And I am taking risks and rocking boats.
I'm jumping off cliffs and shaking off doubts.
This possibility of death's sudden kiss has me breaking free
from the fears that had chained me to how i thought it had to be.

I am laying it all out on the line.
I'm not holding back anything this time.
I am being bold and brave.
I am telling you I love you and not trying to save face.
There's no time left on the clock to hedge my bets.
If tomorrow doesn't come I want to know I said all I had to say today.

I do love you.
I do want you.
I want you here with me every day.
You say not to push.
If pushed you go in the opposite direction.
But you don't realize I have a new understanding of my life.
If I want something I need to try and make it mine.

I am bolder.
I am braver.
I am standing up for myself.
I don't know yet if I have a brain tumor,
but just the thought of it makes me throw caution to the wind.

If I'm going to die I want to know I lived.
I wish this had happened years ago.
I've spent too long wasting away in mothballs.
Fear has controlled me for far too long.
I am bolder now.

A Crooked Line is Drawn

life out of focus, i'm spinning out of control.
heartbroken and adrift, lost in a sea of misery.
a quirky beat mocking me on the air.
the taste of eucalyptus upon my tongue.
the feel of a bitterly frigid breeze against my exposed flesh.
unresponsive to outside stimulation,
i remove myself from my thoughts.
i don't want anyone to notice that i'm falling apart.

defenses compromised by your blue eyes.
breaking off into an unsettling happily ever after montage.
urging my mind into a dissociative event to slam the brakes.
dancing around the insanity of falling in love.
the circulation leaving my feet as they fall asleep.
muscles cramping up so intensely i want to weep.
i don't dare move from this uncomfortable chair
for fear you'll see the effect you have upon my soul.

expectations must be managed.
feelings need labeled, organized, and put away into their proper places.
messy isn't an option with your friendship.
the markers have been set.
we measured twice and you cut me once.
i'm now only 1/2 of the whole i once was.

summer's heat has faded into an autumn's dawn.
the blur of days leaves me breathless and dazed.
love is an illusion used to move cheesy merchandise.
emotional creatures are better off drowning in their tears.
but you are on to me and i love it when you are inside of me.
idiots are smarter then my heart.
take one of your axes and cut it out.

surround myself with onions since it's the garlic to your vamparic ability for my complete surrender.
chanting my new mantra, this won't hurt at all,
i start packing up my useless desires
another weekend in your presence to push back my fears.
followed by a Monday withdrawaling from my addiction to you.

the crooked line has ben drawn between your heart and mine.
it bends in your favor.
i'll repeat this brutal cycle, until you want it to stop
because i already realize you are calling all the shots.

Happy Place

i want to be the one you want the most.
but reality bites and i'm always your 2nd place.
i keep wishing for your feelings to shift my way,
but your heart is stubborn.
and i've been unable to point it my way.
time will heal the broken heart she gave to you,
but i worry the scar tissue will keep you from ever loving me.

i hate being selfish but i disagree with you.
you think she's your soul mate.
you believe the two of you fit perfectly together.
but baby, that ain't true.
if the two of you were meant to be,
how could she walk away from you?

she had a choice and she didn't choose you.
does that sound like true love to you?
especially, when i'd pick you every time!
i want to be the one that's always on your mind.
you catch yourself talking about her.
you stop yourself from comparing us.
in my opinion, you just met her first.

it's clear we could be an epic love affair.
your desire for me could spark a million fires.
but you can't let go of the idea of her.
this pedastool you've placed her on is too high for her to ever come down.
you say you love her flaws and all,
but i think time would prove you wrong.

the human condition is a disease we all suffer.
she's already the stupidest woman i've ever heard of,
because she doesn't want you.
i know i am biased, but i know i would treat you better.
only if you'd let me love you,
then i could show you what you truly deserve.

i'm trying to capture our lightning in a cracked bottle with no lid.
this only friends with benefits satisfies my hunger for your touch,
but my heart still starves.
i don't want to push you because i'm afraid i'll lose you.
devastation is layed down in ultimatiums.
i don't want to look back on us and see it was my impatience that chased you away.

patience has never been my forte,
but i've never felt this connected before so i'll bite my tongue
and swallow my pride and hope you eventually realize that even though you aren't where you wanted to be, you ended up in a happy place here with me.

Red Roses

i have my rose colored glasses on.
the world looks bright and new.
this hope for us springs eternal.
i'm excited about our future.
i'm so happy you're free now.
you can be with me now!

life is coming up red roses of love.
i'm dancing around like a fool.
this craziness is all about you.
love turns me into an optimistic tool.

i have my blue tinted glasses on.
my heart is heavy and my frown in place.
this worry for us brings me down.
i'm concerned about our future.
i'm so sad you can't let her go.
when you can be with me now!

life is coming up thorns on dead red roses of love.
i'm falling in love with you like a fool.
this craziness is all about you.
love turns me into a teary eyed pool.

i have ripped off my glasses.
i want to see this just as it is.
this idea of us need a practical spin.
the future remains up in the air.
i'm wanting more then you can give.
you aren't ready to be with me now!

life hasn't come around with any red roses of love at all.
i'm being a fool.
thinking you could so easily move on from her.
love made me totally uncool.

Perfect Song

feelings just out of my reach
words offer no escape
i remember the love we made
it separates us from the world
when there's no distance
between our flesh
that's when it all makes sense

our conversations floating in the air
a billion light years away they'll be heard again someday
i take comfort in your voice
even when it says things i don't want to hear
the chords you strike in me
make the most beautiful melody

thoughts i can't focus
dreams bring me no relief
i like to recall the way you same my name
when i'm the reason you smile
and i am the cause behind your laugh
that's when i know it'll all be okay

our moments of connection inspire me
these poems i write last longer then you and me
i enjoy your touch
even when i can't feel it every day
the way you make me moan
makes the most perfect song

Dark Thoughts

I know what you're thinking.
I see it in your eyes.
She's on your mind every time you stare into space.
You're thinking about her taking my place.
When you go quiet suddenly she's got your tongue.
I hear her voice loud and clear.
I swear your silence says it all.
You've fallen in love and I'm out in the cold.

These dark thoughts are taking hold of me.
Sunny skies can't chase away this blackness swallowing my heart.
These dark thoughts are leading me to my destruction.
Hey, where'd I get that gun?
How'd you get on the floor?
These dark thoughts are dripping in blood.
in deep crimson sin, I found you with her,
and I came undone.
I went over and over and over the scene in my head;
Until the dark thoughts consumed me, now it's done.

I'm not as dumb as you thought I was.
I caught on quicker then you expected.
The receipts you left around the house.
The credit card bills for gifts I never got.
The hotel matchbooks for places I've never been.
The way you'd start a fight just so you could leave.
It all adds up, you've got someone new and I can't bear it.

These dark thoughts won't leave me be.
All I can see is pain and agony.
The darkness swallows me.
I want to cause you pain.
I feel rage in every part of me.
The dark thoughts seem right to me.
What was good now is bad.
What was right now is wrong.
Hey, How'd I get that gun?
How'd you get on the floor?
These dark thoughts are dripping in blood.
The velvet black of my soul wrapped this up with a crimson bow.

I don't know who you are any more.
You shut me out and let her in.
She did this to you.
Not me, I am the victim here.
In my mind it is crystal clear, it is all her fault.
She had to pay and only dark thoughts can make you see it my way.
So look inside my betrayed heart and hear the voices in my head
as they whisper, he won't hurt us ever again!

Shrink Wrapped

i keep making promises to myself.
i keep breaking promises to myself.
no one fucks me over better then i do.
my self-esteem's run out.
i'm powerless and full of doubts.
i have dark circles under my eyes.
i feel my life has been paused with a too be continued sign,
but got cancelled before the next season could begin.

the aftertaste of failure is bitter.
my stomach clenches and knots.
since when have i been this confused.
the endlessness of time stretches cruelly before me.
there's no hope out there for me.

my skin itches and feels chapped.
i look like i've been shrink wrapped.
all my feelings are pre-shrunk and vacuum packed.
i never did see anything in the mirror that i thought looked like me.
but it never changes, the image just grows fainter.
i project sloppy and disheveled, sweaty and unclean.
i just showered, but that's just how it is.
my body has never agreed with me.

i thought being clever and smart with a knack for kissing up would be enough to get me by in the world.
but i keep going backwards.
i do everything wrong.
i lack social graces and make funny faces.
this hinders my rise to be more then the bottom rung of life.
i know now how the gerbil running on the plastic wheel feels.
if it wasn't so damn sad i'd laugh at myself.

i've been working hard for so long that i've forgotten what i'm working for.
money won't heal my wounds.
i got some salt.
would you like to rub it in?
i'll juggle some eggs and you can hackle me as they hit me in the face.
these days i'm lucky to get out of bed.
i just want to lie perfectly still.
if i don't move maybe my demons will leave.

i can't let life keep beating me down with my own bat.
but i'm a cornered rat.
the cheese looks so good.
i have no will power.
feed me negativity.
my misery sops it up like a sponge.
oh God, i'm leaving, can you send me some directions to hell.
oh, wait, i'm already there, gee, that's swell.

toss away my shackles.
raise up on my feet to take a peek of who i thought i should be.
i wave to her, but she looks at me with disdain.
even i don't love me; not surprised, there's not much to me.
i'm so boring.
i bet you are nodding off by now.
the silence is so loud.
i cover my ears before it deafens me.

i hear sing song voices in my head.
they taunt me and tell me i'll never be good enough.
no man will ever love me.
i'll be in the closet, hiding, hoping no one finds out.
i've lost my mind.
i've lost my heart.
if i had a soul it took off long ago.
i could ramble for another 10 stanza's, but i'd just repeat what we already know.
every thing i've ever written has been wrote before.

October Knows

I'm losing track of time.
I look out the window and watch a day fade from blue to black.
Leaves are changing colors and falling to the ground.
The throes of death are all around me.
Winter will be colder without you around.

Natural selection has left me standing alone.
If only I had a blue print, I'd cut myself out to your specifications.
But life isn't custom made and I'm not like that.
I say what I think before I stop to edit.
You always yelled at me for that.

Last week seems like this week just the numbers have changed.
I cross out the days on the calendar with no emotion.
I go back to bed in the middle of the day.
I want to feel again, but I've forgotten how.
The happiness has left me.

Fate is something others believe in.
I believe you are always at the crossroads.
And I'm getting some bad directions.
Every choice I make leads me the wrong way.
Who can I trust when I don't trust myself?

This isn't about what I should've done or what I didn't do.
I am looking into the future, but it's too dark to see anything.
I'm scared.
So I'll settle down into another empty night and pray it'll be alright.

Drug of Choice

The stillness in the air.
The cold air funneling through my lungs.
The feelings hanging in limbo.
Altogether, it makes me want to disappear.

I heat up a can of soup.
I look around my apartment.
I miss your presence.
Life didn't seem empty until after you were here.

I take my day in small doses.
I want to drive fast, lie in bed and call you.
My whole being quivers with anticipation.
The sound of your voice has become my drug of choice.

The gray ominous sky.
The smell of moisture in the air.
The feeling of something unrealized.
Altogether, I just want to jump to the end.

I check my messages.
There is nothing from you.
I wish you missed me, like I miss you.
I didn't know I wasn't living until after I lived with you.

I can't say no to you.
I'm different with you.
My brain switches gears for you.
Your opinions have become my drug of choice.

The mellowness of a broken hearted song.
The dying leaves falling to the ground.
The feeling of the unknown.
Altogether, I wish I knew where this is going.

I flutter around doing busy work.
Counting down the minutes to you.
Your face dances continuously on my mind.
The colors have been clearer since I saw you.

I'm scared you will go away.
My fear keeps me silent.
I worry I'm not good enough for you.
You're approval has become my drug of choice.

The dullness of the office fluroscent lights.
The quiet of a slow work day.
The feeling that all of it doesn't matter.
Altogether, I'd rather be with you.

I wait for your obligations to free you.
I think about you incessantly.
I am detached from my day, because you are my nights.
And I can't recall before you were in my life.

I gather up your words to save for a bad day.
These precious moments are making me want more.
I have gone past the point of no return.
Your love is now my drug of choice.

My Green T-Shirt

I have you in the pocket of my green t-shirt.
You have my heart in your fist.
I don't think we're even.
You are driving hours away and
I'm just sitting her wondering if you feel the same.

It hurts that you don't love me.
I want to keep you, but you won't let me.
I want to be your only one, but you prefer another one.
I told you I wasn't confused and I'm not.
I am in love with you.
I couldn't be more clear about how I feel.

I have your smell on my sheets.
You have my soul wrapped around your fingers.
I don't think you even know.
You will go back to your daily routine.
I am going back to feeling empty.

It kills me you don't want to hear how I feel.
I want to hug you close, but your allergic to my cat.
I want you to stay, but you can't breathe.
I want you to know how much I love you.
I am willing to ship the cat away to be with you.
I couldn 't be more sincere about how I feel.

I have your taste on my lips.
You have my body twisted up in a knot.
I don't think you care.
You want to walk away free of strings.
I told you there are always strings you can't see.