Reunions

I’m not like I used to be all those years ago when you had me. Life carried me away from you forward and onward to different dreams that didn’t include you and me. Now we’re both older, colder, grown up’s with heartbreaks, heartaches, and scars that go down to our bones.

We catch up on the facts, the kids, the cats, and the dogs. You have motorcycles, ex-wives, girlfriends, loved ones that you lost, and I have similar tales to tell. After the memories get exchanged and the laughter fades there’s not much that remains. It looks like we weren’t meant to pick up where we left off. The hope of a lost love being rekindled dies in one of those it was good to see you again and lots of wish you the bests. We walk away and again go our separate ways.

Summer brings around reunions. Reunions bring around memories best left in the past. I wish I could forget what it had been like to be your girl. Those school days were a rush that I’ve never been able to capture again. Next reunion I think I’ll pass and leave the old days back in the yearbook where they belong. I can’t relive them and tear open scars long since healed.

I use my time on self-improvement, self-delusion, and self-acquisition. This world keeps spinning around wobbling on its axis like every wrong will be right again. Love’s opposition is indifference and I’m trying so hard to keep caring, but I feel nothing on so many days. I have a soul but I’m not sure if it’s still attached to me at all.

I play around with a new idea. I see a new look I want to try. I keep trying to take this round person I am and fit it into a square society. I had wanted so much more than I think I’ve gotten, but I know I have so much more than a lot of others have ever seen. I’ve been blessed. There’s a trick being played on me that makes me still second guess God’s grace. I want to embrace all of life’s living colors. I want to live today like there’s no other, but I feel like today I might break.

The warm air reunites me with other distant summer nights of my past where I sat outside and chased fireflies, kissed boys, and played with sparklers. My eyes grow misty with long forgotten recollections of stolen moments running with friends like summer would never end. The folly of the young is that you think you’ll always be young and you can never see past the moment you are in. I know I should resist this reunion of summer’s past in my head, but I indulge my heart’s whim.

I’m not like I used to be even yesterday I’m different today. Time keeps us moving forward and onward into a different version of ourselves. I try hard to keep up with myself and hold back all the mistakes. Regret is no place to live your life. I put on a perky smile and open up the door to the summer and look up and out into this odd world. I have to live right here and right now. There’s no time to waste on reunions.

Infidel

I peel apart all these layers between you and me so I can finally find out if any of this is real or if it’s has all been make believe.
We worked so hard to be together and grow and learn. Does this foundation I stand on sit on rock or sand? Does all this love endure or burn?

Trust is just a word when there’s nothing but lies to back it up. I want to believe in you. I used too. Now all I have is photographs and memories of how it all used to be. The prettiness haunts me and this new ugliness taunts me.

Your infidelity has damaged everything we have; can you even be faithful to God, you Infidel?

I break apart every piece of our relationship from the beginning to the middle to the end to find the moment where the cracks began to creep into us.
We were the team that pulled it together and got it done. All our friends counted on us to be the ones to lean on in the hard times. We were the examples of the perfect couple for them to try and be.

Love doesn’t mean anything if you don’t follow it with actions. I want to think you still love me. I used too. Now all I have is the last lingering feeling of your touch and the taste of your flesh upon my tongue. I miss our passion and fire and this empty and cold bed sits as a cruel reminder of the best of what we once were.

Your infidelity has taken away all that we built; and you call me a traitor for not understanding, you’re the Infidel?
I watched it all fall apart from the start I couldn’t stop you from breaking my heart and I wanted so badly to think we could fix all the wrong with the right prayer but it’s not going to heal a wound this deep.

I have to let go of you and all of the hurt. I have to move forward in faith to find love again. I will stand tall and be proud that I loved a good man. He gave in to weakness and temptation and lost me, the best woman he will ever have.

Hope is all I need to begin again. I will get through this with my Father’s help, is strength will lift me up and over this trial. I believe in him and I still do. Now I have everything I need to live a life fulfilled. There are no more tears to cry and no more fears to face. You aren’t going to hurt me anymore.

Your infidelity doesn’t take from me anymore; and your unfaithfulness is your own problem now, you have to face God, Infidel!

Reunions

I’m not like I used to be all those years ago when you had me. Life carried me away from you forward and onward to different dreams that didn’t include you and me. Now we’re both older, colder, grown up’s with heart breaks, heart aches, and scars that go down to our bones.

We catch up on the facts, the kids, the cats, and the dogs. You have motorcycles, ex-wives, girlfriends, loved ones that you lost, and I have similar tales to tell. After the memories get exchanged and the laughter fades there’s not much that remains. It looks like we weren’t meant to pick up where we left off. The hope of a lost love being rekindled dies in one of those it was good to see you again and lots of wish you the bests. We walk away and again go our separate ways.

Summer brings around reunions. Reunions bring around memories best left in the past. I wish I could forget what it had been like to be your girl. Those school days were a rush that I’ve never been able to capture again. Next reunion I think I’ll pass and leave the old days back in the yearbook where they belong. I can’t relive them and tear open scars long since healed.

I use my time on self-improvement, self-delusion, and self-acquisition. This world keeps spinning around wobbling on its axis like every wrong will be right again. Love’s opposition is indifference and I’m trying so hard to keep caring, but I feel nothing on so many days. I have a soul but I’m not sure if it’s still attached to me at all.

I play around with a new idea. I see a new look I want to try. I keep trying to take this round person I am and fit it into a square society. I had wanted so much more than I think I’ve gotten, but I know I have so much more than a lot of others have ever seen. I’ve been blessed. There’s a trick being played on me that makes me still second guess God’s grace. I want to embrace all of life’s living colors. I want to live today like there’s no other, but I feel like today I might break.

The warm air reunites me with other distant summer nights of my past where I sat outside and chased fireflies, kissed boys, and played with sparklers. My eyes grow misty with long forgotten recollections of stolen moments running with friends like summer would never end. The folly of the young is that you think you’ll always be young and you can never see past the moment you are in. I know I should resist this reunion of summer’s past in my head, but I indulge my heart’s whim.

I’m not like I used to be even yesterday I’m different today. Time keeps us moving forward and onward into a different version of ourselves. I try hard to keep up with myself and hold back all the mistakes. Regret is no place to live your life. I put on a perky smile and open up the door to the summer and look up and out into this odd world. I have to live right here and right now. There’s no time to waste on reunions.

Washing Machine

Youthful hopeless romantic gestures fill the air like fireworks on the 4th of July night sky.
A knight in shining armor you aren’t but you never claimed to be, so why did I try so hard to get you to be one.
I built a pedestal and tried to push you on top of it; than when you fell on top of me and broke me why was I so surprised.
I follow the same pattern of misguided intentions.
I want to be the perfect girlfriend. I find out what you want and that’s what I become.
I change myself and become someone you need me to be but the modifications can never last.
I can’t keep them in place long enough for them to get you to stay.
I distort reality inside my head until I believe all the lies I’m telling you and myself.
I’m so eager to please you. I’m so angered when it doesn’t work.
Every single man runs in the end. I cry myself to sleep.
I’m a washing machine stuck on the delicate cycle and I never get clean.

You can change the players.
You can rearrange the furniture.
I even changed the cities.
The playlist has rotated hundreds of times now.
I begin again. It ends again.
Three for three the story remains the same.
He loves me to death but he’s not in love with me.
He’s single, but hey, by the way, he has a live in girlfriend.
Oh, he must have forgotten to mention that to me.
And the last one, the one that seemed perfect in practically every way, he said he was divorced, nope, still very married!
Oh dear, here we are again, sitting alone in the dark crying into a carton of ice cream.
I throw in the proverbial towel into the washing machine of my love life and set it on spin and say goodbye.

I go into myself and lock away every feeling for a safer day.
I can’t risk anymore pain.
I can’t bare anymore beautiful blue eyes full of lies.
The adversary knows my weakness, love.
Loneliness is tolerable if you tell yourself to call it solitude.
I pretend to that I don’t mind all this time watching the world pass me by alone.
I could go out. I could smile more.
I’m afraid to tempt myself.
In my experience the risk has never been worth the reward.
I have to take this time to figure out who I am with no one around to please.
The cycle has to end it’s time to come clean.
I have to find me.

I hold my breath as I venture out into the world with this renewed perspective.
It’s been years since I’ve been out here and I feel so exposed.
I feel shaky and uncertain but hopeful because I’m not out here to please someone else anymore.
I’m searching for a partner to enrich my life not someone to complete me, because I am complete.
I know that now.
I’ve always felt a partial emptiness, but the closer I draw to God the less I feel that way.
The stronger I become and the more capable I feel.
I know now that I’m prepared.
I'm ready to be a good wife, friend, partner, and lover to someone who respects and loves me.
No more taking whatever I’m given and thinking I’ll just throw it in the wash and make it work.
If he’s dirty then he’s not worthy because I deserve better!!!

Build Up

Build up the bridge and knock down the wall, find the place to uncover the scars.
Heal the wounds and free the ghosts; let your spirit roam where it wants.
Fear has had its way for far too long; let the blame go and move on once and for all.

No one abandoned you! The storms you’ve rode out have made you better and now it’s time to dance in this rain!
Too much time has been wasted wallowing in the pain; Enjoy these little moments of laughter you earned them.
You’re vibrating from the inside out with the Holy Ghost and God sees what you love the most. There is light spilling over the rough edges where once only darkness sat.

Be the child upon His knee, laugh, love, and linger in His Grace and be free!
Second guesses have had their chances; turn them down and take the righteous turn down that heavenly road.
You hear the still small voice grow louder as your heart beats so much calmer. Everything is so much clearer when you see through the lens that your savior provides you.

One more step, each more bolder than the last, letting go of past regrets, asking for His forgiveness, giving repentance, and accepting the plan laid out for you.
Two lives have been; one before Him and one after Him; you wonder why it took so long to see what seems so obvious to you now;
Joy is a simple prayer of gratitude. A Father’s love is one Amen away. Life has grown and eclipsed all your wildest dreams. No amount of money could ever bring this priceless happiness.

Build up His house and knock down the doubts; find God, find love!

Clean Slate

Time’s ticking; winding down the clock on me. I keep seeing all this waste I’ve been keeping inside my soul.

I’m trying to clear out all this junk in my head that is keeping me down.
My heart has accumulated too many scars to sustain any new love.

My neck is sore and my jaw aches. Is this a warning that it is all too late? Fate, have you come for me?

I count down the days, two weeks passed between you and me. I wait anxiously for this time to pass so I can be set free.
How many more chances will I have to start over again?
One more last chance to get this right; hold on tight, I’m in for a bumpy ride.

I’m afraid every night and every day. All the fear constricts my movements to the bare necessities.

The air I breathe is precious to me. Each thought a rare commodity. My dreams spiral out into empty atmospheres.

Doubt the doubt; I hear the whispers in the darkness calling out to me; reaching out for me again.

I’m not safe inside myself. It is time to move past the past and grab hold of His hand and let him lift me up towards His light!

No more empty plates. His atonement promises me a clean slate. There is no perfection in my current state.
I trip and fall repeatedly to get close to God’s glory.

I can’t stop now. I’m so close to receiving the blessings promised to me. I can’t afford to lose this war.

I zealously protect this good I have left in me. Repentance has opened all these beautiful doors for me.
I see life blooming where once all I saw was death looming.

Perspective has shifted me into how God sees me, I am His child. I am His daughter.
I am light. I am truth. I am love.
Because He is light; Because He is truth; Because He is love;
I can dance in the warm embrace of His acceptance.

I feel like a janitor sweeping up after a five alarm fire. I only have one broom and a dust pan, but I won’t stop cleaning up this mess until I get every ash and ember swept up and thrown away. I will be clean again. I will shine again.

Time will run out for me here, but on the other side eternity never does.
The sky won’t always be blue and I won’t always be content.
I will always have God.
He will always have me in his arms.
His love is always here for me.

Behind These Locks

Behind these locks all the world’s noises block my thoughts.
One moment I crave silence’s golden rave; where I can hear the whisper’s the darkness gave.

Rolling along in turmoil’s embrace; I press upon the edges engraved.
Let’s deconstruct the monuments the world made.

Mirrors reflect worry lines; age creeps and crawls along my flesh. Every space I forge an inch to forget the miles I regret.
These bothersome times build troubled young minds; blowing apart morality’s woven cloth.

Tear at the seams of time itself; recoil in horror as you see the truth revealed. Blood smeared across the dirt; tears shed like the cost is moot.
Priceless treasures are objects rare; people are disposable because they are everywhere. Rush past what makes you uncomfortable; avert your gaze.

If you don’t acknowledge it then it doesn’t exist; unicorns and God are the same thing. Smiles hide ugly truths; laughter erases pain.
Suppress what you can’t figure out; throw it out; who needs complicated, simple is better. Hear the message loud and clear; run away from what can hurt you.

Pick up the quick and easy; life is good and that is all it should be for you. I stand along this darkened path fighting against a tide of apathetic diatribes.
Holding still searching for my voice in a sea of screeching sirens beckoning me to hear their call; all I want is to find my own way.

Losing heart, starving for words to edify my soul, I turn to God and I am whole! I battle every day to hold my ground; the devil holds his own; pushing me down.
Faith is a proving ground; try me, test me, put my feet to the fire, light me up and burn me down, God!

I won’t hide! I won’t run! I won’t back down! This isn’t the easy way. This isn’t the quick way.
Doubt and fears will come and go; I’ve been there so I know; but I also know you are always here.

Your love for me stays; you are always on my side. I’ll carry you in my heart and when I’m weak you’ll carry me.
Strength comes in the dark and shines in the light.

Affinity

These gray eyes looked up and saw you today and I instantly knew I liked you.
I didn’t know why but I felt a connection to you.
There was nothing telling me you’d be someone I could trust.
I didn’t even know your name yet.

I had to wonder what craziness was going on in the universe surrounding me.
People talk about soul mates and fate but I have never been one to experience this myself until now.
I thought I’d say hello eventually and for now I’d just think about you and smile if you’d look my way.
Who knows if our souls will have an affinity for each other’s hands to hold?

I don’t want to fill my head with unrealistic thoughts because I find you aesthetically pleasing.
If you are to be my sun and I’m meant to be your earth then what’s wrong with taking a few cycles of the moon to figure this out.
The next time I get married it will be for forever and that is not a child’s toy to be played with.
I want to join my life with another and find the greatest joy.

I’m putting my house in order so I can build a lifelong bond on a rock solid foundation.
I’ve been cleansing my karma so I can complete myself to allow another inside my walls.
Marriages are made in Heaven, but you meet your partner here on earth.

I know we don’t have all the time in the world to sit and contemplate these new feelings.
I want to hold on to the hope and treasure the possibility just a few more days.
The beauty in the dream is the sweetest of fruits it is almost too good to ever attempt to eat!

A Single Moment

A Single Moment captured in my mind like the firefly’s light burns for a brief second on the summer’s night sky. I hold tight to that look in your eye. I nurse the glimmer of hope like a whisky straight up hold the ice. I remember clearly the smirk and the sound of your amused grunt. I’m no one to you. Not yet. Maybe not ever, the fates are still being woven and cannot be seen by mere humans like you or I.

I’m inspired to work harder now to get my house in order to live my life to use this time to prepare myself for what is coming. I feel something in the air now approaching me like you can smell the charcoal in the spring air when all the BBQ’s are lighting up welcoming the warmer weather. There isn’t anything here for me yet. Maybe not tomorrow either, the future isn’t now, but what I can’t see will be here soon.

Graves dot the earth like pimples cover the face of a teenage girl. Everywhere you go there are those that once thought they had plenty of time to do everything that needed to be done. I know my time will run down sooner rather than later. I feel this heart in my chest burn from the struggle to cover my every breath. I have no illusions of forever dancing in my head. I need to stop making plans and take actions instead.

Over and over I have stumbled and fallen; you were there waiting patiently to pick me up again. My two fathers have never failed me no matter how many times I have failed them. I will pull them both closer to me. I never want to push either of them away ever again. I want to watch the world my heavenly Father built around me and reach into it and help Him make it better. I want to lift my Fathers’ up. My spirit is burning with their love.

I hold onto the past no longer. I tie it to my fears and doubts and release them into the sky. A single moment can tilt your entire view point upside down and turn your whole being inside out. You did that for me and one day maybe I will return the favor. I wish you happiness. I hope our paths cross again someday. Until then burn brightly and never fade away….

Dancing Back & Forth

I’ve got a million voices in my head and not a single one is mine anymore.
I’ve forgotten what my own voice sounds like anymore.
I’m stuck between heaven, earthly delights and hell’s burning fires.
Break my feet so I have to learn to walk again it’s the only way I can fix this mess.
All of me is a complete wreck!

I watch myself behind confused eyes like wires are shorted inside my brain.
I’m trying to rewire myself to get back to original programming but the manual is lost.
God hears my every thought so he knows I’m dancing back and forth a lot.
I don’t have any rhythm and all the music is off key.
I’ve never been a singer anyway!

These messages are jumping the tracks God is trying to lay them as fast as he can.
I am working towards salvation one prayer, one scripture, and one repentance at a time.
Frantically, I search inside my soul for those pieces that are shattered past redemption.
I listen to the silence inside and outside of me for His still small voice waiting for deliverance.
I’m struggling to bask inside the glow of God’s love.

Icy hands and burning questions leading up to fired up true confessions.
God can’t be deceived so excuses won’t be accepted; I must stand up and admit my faults.
My imperfections are woven into the fabric of my every atom I can’t remove them on my own.
I need to lean on God to cleanse myself and purify my heart to become whole.
I hear His angels sweetly singing my name they’re calling out to me to join in their praise.

Pages make a story that go in books that have a beginning, middle and an end.
People see this and wish life was so neat and easy to define and fit into their worlds.
God has a plan that plays to His own designs that doesn’t answer to our little desires.
I will follow where He leads whatever He has decided in His plan for me.
My life is His now to do His will and I now know peace, love, and comfort from above, amen!

I Need!

I need glasses to see clearly anymore.
life's become blurry inside my head.
i can't hear inside myself because the outside has invaded every part of me.
i want to be closer to God.
i want to be closer to my own heart.

i need a pen to write down my thoughts.
if i don't capture the words when they come they get lost.
as i age i struggle to remember everything.
my mind grows weak and dark.
i want to be enlightened again with God's presence.
i want the Holy Spirit to touch my soul once more.

i need a song to move my soul with emotions.
i have grown cold and lost to life's subtle cues.
i have fallen into apathy's trap.
i walk among my fellow humans insensitive to their sufferings.
i want to be healed by God's love.
i want to feel God's grace work through me again.

i need God!
i tried to live in denial.
i stood on the mountain top alone in knowledge.
i thought if i didn't care i wouldn't hurt, but the pain festered and burned.
my sanctuary was my prison.
i want God to hear my prayers.
i want to talk to God like he his my best friend.

i need God's love to be free.
God forgive my ignorance and selfishness.
my fear drove me underground to hide from you.
i see now God you bring me comfort and peace.
i had you in my heart the whole time.
i had you waiting to take me back all along!

Forgive Myself

Humble and small I call out to you forgive me my sins, Oh God, I’m so Sorry I failed you.
I bow my head to pray.
I sit still basking in the quiet waiting to hear your spirit speak to me.
My hopes are pending on the edge of a precipice of doubts.
Life has beaten me and I let you down.
I’m overtaken by a perfect peace and I hear a whisper say, “First child Forgive yourself.”

Humbled and small I cry in clarity of the truth in the words, Oh God, It’s so hard to let go of the shame.
I start to meditate on the past year full of mistakes, regrets, hurts, and pains.
One by one I write them down and say them out loud followed by “I forgive myself God” and I tear them up and throw them out.
As I finish this task, a perfect peace overcame me and I hear a whisper, “Forgiveness is my gift to you my Child.”

Humble and small I pray to God with a thankful heart filled with love for a wise Heavenly Father, Oh God, you know me better than I know myself.
I begin to rebuild my world upon the new calm I have in my heart and start with a new beginning of joy and gratitude.
My life is now about serving God and helping others find hope and forgiveness for themselves.
Every night I settle up with God and I find that perfect peace in the divine forgiveness of God’s love.

Walk With Me

I see my future looking into your eyes
I know my heart’s desire is being with you for all time
Walk with me
Talk with me
Join me on this path
I guarantee my love will last

I hear you call my name over the loudest crowd
I feel your touch and the world disappears
Dance with me
Laugh with me
Join me on life’s journey
I guarantee my love will last

I taste the sweetness of your lips against mine
I search your soul and find my lifelong mate
Sing with me
Play with me
Join me on this winding road
I guarantee my love will last

A Simple Prayer

Lost, disillusioned, confused, bitter
Hands clasped in prayer
Lord, just comfort this wayward child.
Eyes closed and knees bent
Lord, please take away the pain.
I feel your warmth upon my soul.

The physical world limits me
The faith of my God eludes me
Escape with me
Escape to nothingness
Empty sky of blue nothingness

Hungry, malnutritioned, scared, crying
Lord, sustain me.
I will be your servant night and day
Thoughts cleaned and pure
Ready to listen
Lord, let your spirit fill me.
I don’t want to be hollow anymore
I want to know
Your love, your warmth
Lord, guide me
Lord, love me.

Truest Blessings

Darkness, voiceless pity, big eyes lost inside vacant night skies.
Hope dies against bloody hands.
Disguises, venom filled words, violent outburst shooting airborne like fireworks.
Faith sucked into a vacuum of a blackened soul.

War, chaos rules, strong willed pills swallowing goodness whole.
Mercy forgotten between screams of incoherent heartless murmurings.
Woe, craziness over takes, rage swings fists of fury in every direction without discretion.
Love disappears into cracks ripped into the fabric of what was a family.

Exhaustion, faults exposed, everyone stares their whispers carry on the wind.
Grace so needed here yet so far away it seems lost to a black hole.
Eternity, failure eminent, options are dwindling as the authorities lights are circling.
Peace a distant memory of days long past when laughter used to be heard within these walls.

Believe, God hears, prayers are being said for you every day my friends.
Kindness is here for you and ready to extend its comfort when you are ready to receive it.
Blessings, goodness remains, don’t give up with the hardest of times comes the truest of blessings.
Forgiveness will be your salvation and guide to finding the way back to freedom and happiness.

Inventory

i'm a little fish in a little pond swimming in circles waiting for the day i drown.
my daydreams are making the time pass in impossible fantasies.
i sleep more than i should.
i hurt more than i deserve.
i'm a hopeless romantic suffering from a pessimist disease.
there's no prescription i can fill to cure this mindless pity party.
i think i'm in love with chasing the love that fails.
my breaking heart is the best way for me to know i'm alive.
i've detached from everything i know.
i'm sitting alone taking inventory of my soul and the list is short.

Take the Lie

take the lie it's so much better then the truth
the truth i have in my heart is shallow and cold
i can't stay. love isn't my thing. i want to be more,
but its not here. believe my love was true.
think that i think that about you. take the lie to get you through.

i've been doing this for a long time
i got this leaving part down
i go on and on about forever and happily ever afters
i know what to say and when to say it
it's become second nature to me to see in them
the needs i'm here to fill, but i don't stay
i can never stay; that's my one rule

take the lie to bed and dream about me
how it used to be before the tears and the lonely nights
i said goodbye. we had ugly fights.
you got paranoid. i pushed all of your insecure buttons.
you swear you could see past all my faults,
but no one ever can. you don't know how cracked i truly am.
take these lies and hang them on your walls.
those are what you need to hold on to because i'm gone.

it started long ago and far away
i was lied to and left behind too
it seemed better to leave the lie and make my own world
so i roam around where ever i go i find some comfort, but never a home
i've been call cold
i've been asked if i get lonely, no and sometimes i know it's a lie
and i'll take it over the truth every time
the truth stains, it bleeds, it kills your soul and destroys you
a lie take nothing and stays as long as you keep believing in it.

take the lie and believe it.
take the lie and keep it alive and i'll never be gone.

Sunshine

i'm sunshine on a cloudy day
no one sees me shine away
the addiction is overwhelming me
the mess left behind blinds me
i dig around the old hiding places
today i shined but tomorrow i need more
or i will get left behind

i heard the right words in my head
but those are never the ones that come out my mouth
i can't stop my own train wreck
these actions are half-cocked
i run off into sunshine and drive into deep water full of sharks

i get it right one time out of 100
but all you remember is the 99 i screwed up
there's no good way here
only my flaws show the worst foot forward
i'm still here eating the fallout of my mistakes
hoping one day someone sees me shine

Can Do

i can do this on my own
you get used to the guilt
the bed doesn't seem empty anymore
it just swallows you up to keep you warm
i don't feel lonely anymore
i feel relieved
no more tears and no more fears
i only answer to myself
i'm no longer held up to someone else's impossible standards
i have everything i need

i feel lighter
i think clearer without all your hot air surrounding me
i've reflected enough on the why
i'm doing myself proud
other people's happiness doesn't drag me down
life just got simpler

i smile to myself more often
don't feel sorry for me
i've finally set myself free
i no longer hold on to the cliches
this is paradise
i got all my stuff just the way i want it
the toilet seat is always down
i'm a big girl now

i can do this on my own and damn i do it good

The Sudden

change happens; it appears overnight;
the sudden shift of your whole life with words you dread to hear;
i didn't even know this morning i had awoken to a whole new world.
in your dreams you never saw it coming;
somewhere inside my mind i had wished for crystal visions...
if my life is a mirror into my soul God would be bored to death with mine.

there's things i want to do, but i always say someday.
i'm still waiting on someday to come, but i fear death will find me first.
this sunshine is eclipsed by a dark moon rising.
my pot of chocolate gold wrapped coins that i can't even eat because now i'm diabetic has gotten stolen.
change lurks upon the horizon waiting to jump you,
beat you down, and destroy all you love and flip you off while it runs off with your stuff.

sometimes i can feel it coming, but you pray you can avoid disaster
but no amount of aversion can change the course
your not prepared for the battle when it comes
the war is in my head, but my body shows if i'm winning or losing
there's a place between acceptance and fighting the inevitable
i'm sitting there right now debating with my self on my next steps

what i do matters
what i say matters
what i think matters
what i need matters
what i want is what destroys me, it always destroys me!

change can be a friend or a foe
i don't know which one these changes are right just yet
i'd let hope back in but i'm too damaged to accept it as a comforting friend
i have to be awake and aware
i have been sleeping through my life letting every whim drive my direction

there is no resistance left in me
i change or i die
the rejection of the facts and to deny the test results if foolishness
tomorrow is no longer the distant future or some remote possibility
denial won't accomplish what i need
it's time for me to change

The Sun Revolves

baby, look around you, i built this world for you.
don't listen to those scientific fools,
the sun revolves around you!

the blue sky, these tree's and the birds singing are all here for you.
I know God exists and he's brilliant because he created you.
no worries or fears my dear,
because the sun revolves around you!

the stars are infinite with a light that never ends,
just like the sparkle in your eyes that brighten every body's day.
the moon reflects upon your face and no darkness can stop the force of your happiness.
no stress or frowns, my sweet man,
because this sun revolves around you.

Ranting

you know i try not to form opinions it feels like i'm catching a disease
i like my mustard on everything please
let's skip from the end to the beginning who needs the middle to understand
i cut up both of my hands just to see if i bled like a man

trivial pursuits bog down my heart
my little thoughts blow up bridges as i depart
you can't go anywhere with me
every time i flee i have to double back just to pee
up is a good day and down is most of my days
i wish you'd come around but wishes don't feed me

i feel a Godly grief deep in my bones
i beg the doctor to prescribe some relief but i never get any
i try to meditate to clear my head but i keep thinking you would love me more if i were dead
heart beats and dream dates never co-exist
all i seek is eternal bliss

i play the game not knowing the rules
i feel the pain thinking it is the ultimate truth
i conquer one fear to gain five more
this wheel is chasing me uphill
if affliction does us good i should be nominated for sainthood
rhyme and reason confuse all that is important only matters to you

set up the fall and begin the countdown to my demise
take good pictures or a video
i want to look tall and photo shop off fifty pounds
i don't want to look fatter than i already do
oh here i go again ranting like the mad woman that i am

Fear and Soap

Another day that looks and feels the same as any other day.

My heart is cold.

My body is hot.

Summer approaches with it's blistering and unforgiving sun.

It's hard to hide when your world is in the spotlight.

Everyone is a judge.

I want to lie in my bed forever.

I want to be buried on it still under the covers.



So young. So bitter.

So sweet. So jaded.

I think too hard.

The race of thoughts in my head has stopped.

But I didn't win.

Every pill I pop is supposed to be a miracle.

But I'm still depressed.

Most days I don't bother with getting dressed.



The pressure to hurry up and get better is leaving me

more neurotic then ever.

Rome wasn't built in a day and neither was my neurosis.

I've been mentally dysfunctional since I was a little girl.

I can't even remember being normal.



Little bits and pieces of moments etched into my brain have

made me who I am today.

I'm a giant ugly unfinished quilt that is unraveling fast.

I'm remembering the stupidest stuff.

My past failures are piling up.

The memories cling to me and I can't wash them off.

I end up smelling like fear and soap.



I'm losing hope that this curse will never be lifted.

And the voices in my head will eventually win.

Others compare my disorder to theirs like two people

commenting on the weather.

So, I'm not alone.

This should help, but it doesn't.

I still feel isolated and guilty so guilty.



Like a good christian i've built my own cross to carry,

Until it's time to crucify me.

I feel that day is closing in on me.

I'm weak.

I can't handle the pain.

I'm crushed by my burdens.

I'm unable to help those I love because I can't help myself.



I'm standing on emotional quicksand.

It's sucking me in and it won't let go.

Every time I think I am moving forward I realize

I'm really walking backwards.

I'm so sorry to disappoint you, but that's all i do anymore

is let everyone down.

It hurts to hear their deep sighs as they let their

expectations for me go.



I want to be who I used to be.

But it's been forever since I saw her in the mirror.

I think she's left me too.

All I am is crazy these days.

I take 10 showers a day with all kinds of wonderful

smelling soaps but I still reek of fear.

Silent

i don't know where to start
and i have no idea how to end it
this is wrong no matter how you spin it
the words come and go but none capture the moment
i'm silent

my ears heard you say it
i saw the expression on your face
you were serious and full of intentions
i'm not sure if they were good or bad
which direction you are heading is a mystery
you're waiting for my response
i'm silent

normally, i can fire off a quick quip
brush off your shots easily
dodge your bullets like a pro
whenever you try to get under my skin
i deflect you again and again
but this was unexpected
its not like you to cut so deep to hurt me
your cheshire like grin leaves me Silent

did you read a self help book
or join an online relationship forum
the other day you mentioned being at your wits end
i didn't pay attention to it
i never do when you say stupid things like that
i love you isn't that enough for you
now we are staring at each other
you're holding your breath now
we are now both Silent

i think you broke us
i don't know what to do or say
i let the Silence stay
i grab my coat
i go out the door
and i walk away

Afraid June

the days pass by in a blur
i feel the same every day
i'd ask for more but i'm afraid!

you're missing me like i miss air
relationships are hard to make last
i'd tell you more but i'm afraid!

we both need a thrill
the burn of passion fades
we keep the worry a secret because we're afraid!

this is a test
i have a plan for us to pass
will you listen or are you too afraid?

i can pull back the layers
i will break down these barriers
i will shout out your name because i'm tired of being afraid!

you try to pull away
fear makes you do stupid things
take my hand and stop being afraid!

kick away the doubts
you're alive with new enthusiasm
we've gone mad but we aren't afraid!

we set the bar high
you grab the tequila and i'll lose our past
i'm yours now, don't be afraid!