Nothing That Would Interest Me

How do you know my story after looking at me for 10 seconds?
Do you always judge a book by it's cover?
I know I don't look like a model.
I'm ordinary and natural.
I'm a real woman with real love to give.
But that's nothing that would interest you.

I confess I liked your smile,
But I always want to know more.
And you, slammed the door in my face.
So, of course, now I know,
You are nothing that would interest me.

It's so funny in this superficial world to hear such harsh
and thoughtless words.
Everyone rushes to judgement,
like love has a time limit.
These fast food 99 cent relationships have
nothing that would interest me.

I want to go back in time,
to when people took their time to say hello
and get to know who you are on the inside.
Today everyone's too busy to find someone to interest them.

So I'll keep moving forward, cuz there's
nothing that would interest me here.

To This Day

It was all so long ago,
All my friends thought you were too fine,
but I had a secret that was all mine.
It's not you I still think about.
It's not you I still dream about.
Your brother's smile haunts me to this day.

He was nice and you were mean.
He was the one that sped up my heartbeat.
I was weak and followed the crowd,
but I wanted to shout outloud,
you've got the wrong one,
you've got the bad one.
His Brother's dancing eyes haunt me to this day.

I was so young and had no clue.
He seemed shy and I was tongue tied.
I wonder if I had told him that I adored him,
if he would have even cared.
It's impossible to know the answers to questions so old.
The longing to run my fingers through his dark silky hair
haunt me to this day.

I even look for him sometimes online when he crosses my mind,
but he isn't the technical kind.
I remember playing hide n seek in the dark.
He jumped down from a tree and scared the heck out of me.
His deep laughter haunts me to this day.

I bet he doesn't even remember me.
It's been so long ago.
We grew up on the same road
but our paths haven't crossed in over 20 years.
My wondering how he is haunts me to this day.

I used to walk by his parent's house to catch a glimpse of him.
How stupid my 13 year old self seems to me now.
But I'll never forget him, even if his memory
haunts me until my dying day.

Chasing Rabbits

I'm chasing rabbits down holes that don't exist.
I'm holding onto illusions of granduer.
I'm investing money into losing lottery tickets.
The jokes on me, cuz I'm kidding myself.
All thoughts of happiness are a mirage.
Existence is brutal and resistance is futile.

I'm running into dead ends.
I'm killing time with vacant stares.
I'm choking on the chicken into unconsciousness.
The jig is up, my two left feet tripped me up.
All hopes of good health are dashed.
Aches are everywhere and pain is my new drug.

I'm talking to people that have forgotten me.
I'm lying to all of us.
I'm thinking in reverse rememberances.
The clocks run out, my time has passed.
All dreams of success are burned to the ground.
My heart's too old and my soul has been sold.

But I keep chasing those rabbits down those non-existent rabbit holes.

Love is Hard

I break myself.
I hurt myself.
I am the criminal.

I'm searchingthrough my mind's database
for some sign of intelligent life,
but I'm all I have.

In the end you're always alone.
Why reach out?
Why touch?
Why feel?
I prepare for the end.
Being alone is easy,
Love is Hard.

I forget you.
I leave you.
I am the unattached.

I'm running down my past lovers,
asking them why did they leave,
but they won't answer me.

In the end you're always alone.
Why love?
Why dream?
Why hope?
I am ready for it to end.
Being alone is easy,
Love is hard.

Thought Four

The day is dark and dreary.
The rain comes down icy cold.
I feel so at home on days like this.
It's like my mind is a canvas and it's painted the world with a reflection of itself.
I want to wrap my arms around me and pretend I don't like the cold.
But I know I embrace it.
My eyes are twitching and itching to cry, but I still hold the tears back.
I see crying as surrendering to reality.
I am not ready to give up on me.
Someday, somewhere out there, there's got to be someone who will love me.

Thought Three

I am adrift in a black hole of confusion.
I can't see a way out.
I am being smothered by life's nothingness.
I look at myself in the mirror.
I don't know myself anymore.
What's wrong with me?
I keep tripping myself.
I believe God has abandoned me or
Did I abandon him?
I don't have hope.
I can't feel.
Numb.

Thought Two

I see people everywhere.
They look straight ahead.
Their heads facing downward in fear of making eye contact with others.
I am in a room full of people.
I am totally alone.
I can't feel anybody else's pain.
I am drowning in my own pool of misery.
Where did all the love for thy neighbor go?
Today every one is too on the go to pay attention to someone other then themselves.
It's a lose-lose situation.
The world gets colder while the crust gets hotter.
I look up to the sky and pray for all of the human race.

Thought One

Am I real?
Did I imagine me?
I feel like I am so much more then what others see me to be.
I don't know what to do about it.
I am perplexed over my anxiety to over achieve.
I am lazy and restless.
I am bored and depressed.
I want to be in love.

I want a man.
Yes, I confessed.
I want a man in my life.
My other half whether it's for better or worse.
I am tired of facing off with the world alone.
I am trying too hardto be what a man would find appealing.
I pursue any man that shows interest until his interst is killed by my over enthusiasm.
I can't win for losing.

Still Searching

I can't make a stand,
I don't believe in anything.
I can't take your hand,
I'm not worthy.

I'm still searching.
My life's upside down.
I'm residing inside myself.
I'll call you when I find myself.

The harder I try the more I fail.
My luck is nil.
I take another pill,
just to get through the day.

I'm full of worry.
My heart can't take much more.
I miss you baby.
But I can't stay.
It's all mixed up.

I see a long road before me.
My memory will hold you.
I'm still searching for love.

Jane Doe

I am average.
I am invisible.
I am the girl next door.
I am Jane Doe.

The girl you forget.
The girl you ignore.
The girl full of doubts.
I am Jane Doe.

I hide in the open.
My secrets swept under the rug.
My heart upon the shelf.
I am Jane Doe.

I sacrificed my innocence for a little love.
I held myself under water until I drowned.
I tied my hands behind my back, stabbed my
own heart out and gave it to you on a silver platter.
You ate it up and asked for another.
I am Jane Doe.

You see through me like a window.
I see you like a door,
I can't unlock you to get through to you.
I am Jane Doe.

I am plain.
I can't explain.
I am weird.
I am Jane Doe.

I'm lost in a sea of faces.
You look past me like I'm not here.
You can't recall my name.
I am Jane Doe.

I am confused by the basics.
I trip over my own tongue.
I don't have alot of common sense.
I am Jane Doe.

I have blond hair.
I have gray eyes.
I am freckled face and wide eyed.
I am Jane Doe.

I was your toy to pass the time.
Now someone more exotic has caught your eye.
You tell me to move along,
but I just stare at you.
Your patience is wearing thing,
but I don't care.
I know I was just a Jane Doe to you.

Still

Images of you keep floating in my mind,
It's like another time.
I keep tripping on the past,
wondering why we didn't last.
I still miss you.
I still love you.

I think we could make another go of it.
We could figure out loves tricks.
Be together again; I don't know where you are.
You're in my heart.
You're on my mind.

I keep searching for love, but it's always been you.
I dream about you all the time.
I wish you were still mine.
I am looking for you.
I adore you.
I hope I find you soon.
I hope you remember me too.
The way I remember you.

I love you still.
It's been so long for us to be apart.
It's time we give it another start.
We've been on different roads for a long time.
It's time we circle around to each other.
My love for you has never died.
It's been waiting.
I've been anticipating the day I get to kiss you again.

Your blue eyes haunt my nights.
Day in and day out you're in my thoughts.
Are you happy?
Are you missing me too?
I should've been the first one,
but we missed our chance to imprint each other for life.
You loved me since the 5th grade.
I loved you since the 7th grade.
Why didn't it ever work?
Why did I turn away?
Was it not our day?

I still miss you.
I still love you.
I still want you in my life.
By my side for good times and bad.
No one else has ever stirred up my passions this bad.
I still hope one day we can still be.

Rain

I got a speeding ticket, 95 dollars I don't have gone.
An ice cream carton hit me in the jaw on Sunday,
Only I can get hurt like that.
I got dragged by a great dane and fell.
Today it's supposed to rain.
But it's been raining on me all week.
Rain keeps pouring down on my soul,
beating me down until I feel so low.

I couldn't crawl out of this hold my mood has fallen into.
Rain keeps pouring down on my soul,
drowning all my hopes.
I'm so damn depressed.
Rain, Rain,it's raining down on me.

I replied to 16 personal ads online and no responses.
The car is falling apart.
My credit is in ruins.
There's a judgement against me and I don't even know what that means.
I'm swimming in rough waters of debt without a life perserver.
Only I could screw up my finances this bad.
Today it's supposed to rain.
But I've been getting rained on for days.

Rain keeps pouring down on my soul,
sweeping away all of my dreams.
I'm so damn depressed.
Rain, Rain go away.
Rain, Rain stop raining down on me.

I hate rainy days.

What I Know

Here's what I know -
I'm 38 years old.
I can't pay all my bills.
I feel 80 and hurt all day long.
I have alot of headaches.
I could bitch and groan all day long,
but I know I'll bore you.

Here's what I know -
No one can see inside of my head.
I have no significant other.
I don't balance my checkbook.
And I can't walk a straight line.
I throw up when I drink.
And I only take what's prescribed.

Here's what I know -
It's not the best life,
but it ain't the worst life.
It's somewhere in the middle.
And it's got good days;
There seem to be more bad days ahead.
But I know you're bored already,
So I'll fast forward.

Here's what I know -
Appreciate what you have.
Longing for more just get's you upset.
You get caught up in daydreams that
keep you from getting ahead.
When it rains it pours.
And death really does come in 3's.

Here's what I know -
It isn't much, but it's all I got to teach the world.
Every one gets depressed;
No matter how happy they seem.
Life isn't perfect for anyone,
if you know what I mean.

Here's what I know -
Every woman thinks another woman is prettier then them.
It's just human nature to hold a grudge.
And peace doesn't come with forgiveness.
Your worst enemy is the voice inside your head.
Listen to your heart;
it whispers so low it's hard to hear,
but I know it guides you better than your ego.

That's what I know.
Like I said it's not alot.
But maybe as I get older it'll grow.
So take it and use it as you must.
You probably know more then I do
So I won't bore you with more detail.
It's what I know
Not how I know it
But How I know how to use it.

Sore Toe

I am odd.
I am bizarre.
I am your worst nightmare on steroids.

You are scared.
You are lying.
And I will find out what you know.

I will never let go.
I'll be like a sore toe.

You stubbed your toe;
You tripped over the lies that you told.
You tried to squeeze into smaller shoes.
You tried to fit into my glass slippers.
I told you that was the last time.

I am strange.
I am unusual.
I am chaos reborn in human form.

I can chase you down.
I can make you face your demons.
I will overthrow everything you know.

I'll never quit.
I'll be like a sore toe.

You stubbed your toe;
You tripped over the lies you told.
You tried to walk a mile in my shoes.
You tried to take something that wasn't yours.
I told you that was the last time.
I'm slicing you off of my foot for good this time.

Break Free

I'm sick of sitting around waiting for things to happen.
I'm too tired to go out and find some action.
Why don't they sell sin door to door?
I think they'd make a fortune, for sure.

I'm so down to earth, I'm sinking under it.
I'm so into staying home, I never leave it.
There's got to be a way to break free of this rut that I'm stuck in.
I just can't see my way out.
I'm dug in and pinned down.

I want to break free.
I want to be implusive.
I don't want to worry what tomorrow will bring.
I want to break free.
Ride upon a wave of fun.
Run around with no shoes on.
I want to break free from being me.

There are bills to pay and chores to do.
I got list so long I'll never get through.
I see disaster around every corner.
I want to lock the world out.
I want to shut down.

For every second I have fun,
There's 10 more minutes of work to be done.
I'm tied to the daily grind.
I married the dishpan last night.

There's got to be a way to break free from these weeds
and swing from the trees while
screaming out all of my frustrations.
I want to break free.
Ride upon a wave of fun.
Run around with no shoes on.
I want to break free from being me.

Hate

I hate the world. I hate the world.
Stop the planet I want to get off.
I hate this place. I hate my face.
I hate world peace. I hate your crossed eyes.
I hate my thighs, My fat ugly thighs.
I hate heights, my rage builds me up.
Then I explode, but you keep coming around.
Get out of here, I don't want you here.
I hate you. I hate you. You're disgusting.
You're ugly. You're nothing.
Then I walk away from the mirror.

My mission is clear. hate. hate. hate.
I hate myself. I hate a sunny day.
I hate blue skies. I love dark and gloomy,
every day should be that way.
It's charcoal black inside of my heart.
My hate has festered and ripped it apart.
I hate my dreams. I hate my schemes.
I hate to lie. I hate my hands.
I hate these demands. I hate you and I hate me too.
I have hate for breakfast.
I have hate for lunch.
I have hate for dinner.
And self-loathing is my dessert.
damn, it hurt to hate this much.

I hate my bulbous nose.
I hate my yellow teeth.
I hate my big fat hairy toes.
I bet you ain't got any of those.
I hate my laugh. mock me while you can.
I hate you. I hate me. I hate the world I see.
The world hates me too.
I've got pure hate running through my veins.

My hate keeps me up late.
My hate makes me think.
I need to find more way to hate.
I hate to eat. I hate to throw up.
I hate to starve. I hate sharks.
I hate being smart. I hate by belly button.
I hate being naked. I hate happines..
I hate myself the most. I hate to hate me.
but feeling hate is better then feeling nothing.
I hate me and I hate you too.

Fly Away

I wish I could fly away
Even if it's just for one day
Soar above the clouds
Gaze at the stars
I'd be free from these problems
that are dragging me down

fly, fly, fly away
just for one day
fly, fly, fly away
go out and play
forget your troubles and
fly, fly, fly away with me

i want to fly away
somwhere exotic
where i'm waited on
nothing is overlooked
i'll sit and watch the sunset
i'll drink nectar from the vines
i'll find some peace of mind

so let's fly away
just for one day
fly, fly, away with me.

Bland, Plain and Undeclared

I underestimated the value of my humanity.
I thought I was only worth the objects I could buy.
My sense of self shifted upside down,
Until I believed my existence was immaterial.
A secret intent I kept hidden from those who loved me.
I secret attempt I won't ever be able to discuss with them.
This is the only secret I've ever kept.

See me here, bland, plain, and undeclared.
See me fall.
See it's funny.
Watch me cry and bleed.
If it helps you to see me hurt then I will hurt myself some more.

I hide in open spaces behind my soft smiles.
The pain of the emotions cascading through my brain still remain.
Even worse I don't know why one moment everything I knew was wrong
seemed right.
The world stopped writing my script in black and white.

See me here, bland, plain, and undeclared.
See me fall.
See it's funny.
Watch me cry and bleed.
If it helps you to see me hurt then I will hurt myself some more.

I faced myself in the mirror to confront her and see if
I could reason with her.
But it's a futile exercise in the war I've lost who I used to be.
Now she's all that remains and she swallows the pills like pez.
Nothing interfers.
Her nightly ritual cannot be compromised.
She panics when bottles are lost or the pill count gets low.

See me here, bland, plain, and undeclared.
See me fall.
See it's funny.
Watch me cry and bleed.
If it helps you to see me hurt then I will hurt myself some more.

I hear panic in your voice at the mere suggestion of the end of life.
How could I have forgotten?
Why did I go blind?
Now I heat it, see it and feel it
Your pain is more valuable when I can keep it from you.
Someday, one day, we all die.
I just can't choose the day myself.
I have to let fate decide.

Kill Myself

What am I doing?
Who am I kidding?
I mess up everything I touch.
I'm a walking, talking one woman wrecking ball.

I'm a clutz.
I'm a duntz.
Stamp Loser on my forehead.
Black ball me.
Execute me.
Toss me to the curb.

I'm my own worst enemy.
No one can hurt me more then I do myself.
If there's a way to screw it up I'll find it.
I'm gonna get myself killed one day.
I'm gonna get myself killed one day.

I walk under ladders.
I love black cats.
I never win anything.
I even lose more than I have.
I see numbers backwards.
I walk into posts.
I'm a habitual whiner with an appetite for cheese.
My skill is annoying people.
I excel at it so well that people want to hurt me.
Oh, well.

I'm my own worst enemy.
No one can hurt me more then I do myself.
If there's a way to screw it up I'll find it.
I'm gonna get myself killed one day.
I'm gonna get myself killed one day.

I fall down unexpectedly.
I trip over my own two feet.
I bite my tongue in my sleep.
I swallow when I should spit.
It's disgusting isn't it?
I can't help myself.
I want to hange myself.
Put the hemp rope away.
I can't go out to play.
I always have a headache.
I'm always cranky.
It's always been a bad day.

I'm gonna end up getting myself killed one day.
It'll be accidental.
It'll be weird.
I'll be the darwin award winner.

I'm gonna get myself killed one day.

I Believe in Love

I have to get away. There's no reason for me to stay. I'm searching for a place where I can be me. Call me a fool, but I still believe in love.

I'm chasing hope with the wind holding me back. Someday is now! I'm running down the clock. My eyes are wide open. My heart is on alert. I'm aware and ready to fall in love with you.

Everyday that escapes me brings me down. Everyday unloved is one more day to forget. I'm trying. I'm dying. I'm hoping. I'm wanting. Everyday I pray that my one true love finds me.

I have to tear down my defenses. There's no need for them anymore. I'm putting down roots to make this my home. Call me idealistic, but I still believe in love.

I'm coming into my butterfly phase; kicking out of my lonely cacoon. Someday is now! I'm riding in the moment. My smile is turned on bright. My laughter is ringing out loud. My soul is singing a happy song. I'm ready to fall in love with you.

Everyday you escape me brings me down. Everyday you don't love me is one more day to forget. I'm trying. I'm crying. I'm wishing. I'm aching. Everyday I pray that your love finds me.

Limits

I was just going to put all my writings in this blog. Limit myself to what is getting written, what has been written, and not actually put anything else in here. But I'm tired and depressed and I just don't want to type the writings in. I tried to bribe my college teenager to do it, but she refused. Laziness is always my downfall. If I don't have to do something I don't do it. I lack motivation. I can't remember the last time I got all excited about something and did it just because I wanted to.

My life now is so very different then anything I'd ever imagined it would be. I can't seem to break free of the depression. I don't want to go back on pills. They just turn me into a zombie. I need to find something to live for again. Something that makes me excited when the alarm clock goes off. I don't dislike my job. I don't hate the world. I just have nothing to hang on to. I have nothing to look forward to. Even Christmas just reminds me of everyone I've lost over the years. My mind is just stuck on the negative and I can't shake it loose.

I'm worried about myself.

It's Over

I can connect the dots.
I can read between the lines.
I know what you're not saying has been on my mind.
It's over, it's over, you've learned your lesson.
The worry isn't worth the pleasure.
You've made up your mind.
It's over, it's over, and you're no longer mine.

It was a brief moment in time.
But it lived up to every expectation I had.
You didn't plan for it to happen.
Neither had I, but it did, but it did
We stole passion when we could.
We enjoyed every second we were there.
But there's too much on your plate.
and you have too much at stake.
It's over, it's over, you say it's over.
It was the first time and it'll be the last.
It's over, it's over, you're no longer mine.

Rock Bottom

I've got to be missing something.
I keep fumbling along hoping to find where I belong.
There's no answers in the darkness.
I've got to look past my senses.
I'm barely holding up.
I think I'm going...I'm gone.

I'm gone.
I'm falling off the edge,
watching the sky get farther away.
I feel lighter then air.
I know I'll hit the bottom soon.
I hope I hit the bottom soon.
I wnat to hit rock bottom soon so I can move on.

Have you tried to think but your mind goes blank?
You become an empty slate no one wants to write on.
I'm one of those.
I'm clueless to the bone.
There's no hope for me to recover.
This lost cause in mascara and pantyhose.
I'm think I'm going...I'm gone.

I'm gone.
I'm falling off the edge,
watching the sky get farther away.
I feel light then air.
I know I'll hit the bottom soon.
I hope I hit the bottom soon.
I want to hit rock bottom soon so I can move on.

Before

I don't know what to say.
How do you begin to understand
the horrors this world hands out,
to innocent bystanders, sudden victims?
You're scared and crying.
How do you capture the moments
BEFORE
before the pain?
before you were destroyed?
before your heart was ripped out?

We all hope there's some explanation,
either in our faith or the laws of human nature.
We cling to any possibility that we are right
and those who disagree are wrong.
There's a second of calm between dusk and the last bit of daylight.
If we could freeze the world
If we could reverse the tides of carelessness
If we could stop the wave of selfishness
and remind the world what it's like to serve
the good and kind
the just and the innocent

They are all stripped and powerless against the darkness of the world today.
No one is safe anywhere anymore.
There's no magical line you can cross,
to where the devil can't bring chaos to your door.
No escape from the doubt and the fear that cloud our vision
and cause our tears.
How do you capture the moments
BEFORE
before when it was simpler times?
before when your word was your bond?
before when you could take people at face value?
before when you could leave your door unlocked?

But not anymore, those times are gone for good.
Just a memory in some old man's head,
or a story to read at bedtime to the kids.
Before the world was stained by lies.
Before free love became twisted and died.
Before I was born.
I don't have any recollection of the time before.

Impatient

It's got to be done now, now, now
It's got to be my way
and it's got to be quick
I can't sit around all day
I'm in a hurry
I got places to go and people to see
so do it now, now, now

I'm impatient today.
I rush around like a mad woman,
but I'm never ahead of the game.
I feel stressed everyday.
I'm being pulled in 50 different directions.
I'm impatient today.

I tap my fingers on the counter.
I keep looking at my watch.
I honk my horn alot.
Can't these people go faster?
Don't they know I need to be somewhere?
I swear they slow me down on purpose.
I'm not getting anywhere.
I'm ready to punch the gas.
Take some chances,
I can't let this opportunity pass me by.

I'm impatient.
It's got to be right now.
I'm impatient.
It's got to be done my way or it's not right.
I'm impatient.
I get called names.
I get flipped off.
but i have to keep moving.
I can't stop.
I might never catch up again.
I'm impatient because it's a means to the end.