Bland, Plain and Undeclared

I underestimated the value of my humanity.
I thought I was only worth the objects I could buy.
My sense of self shifted upside down,
Until I believed my existence was immaterial.
A secret intent I kept hidden from those who loved me.
I secret attempt I won't ever be able to discuss with them.
This is the only secret I've ever kept.

See me here, bland, plain, and undeclared.
See me fall.
See it's funny.
Watch me cry and bleed.
If it helps you to see me hurt then I will hurt myself some more.

I hide in open spaces behind my soft smiles.
The pain of the emotions cascading through my brain still remain.
Even worse I don't know why one moment everything I knew was wrong
seemed right.
The world stopped writing my script in black and white.

See me here, bland, plain, and undeclared.
See me fall.
See it's funny.
Watch me cry and bleed.
If it helps you to see me hurt then I will hurt myself some more.

I faced myself in the mirror to confront her and see if
I could reason with her.
But it's a futile exercise in the war I've lost who I used to be.
Now she's all that remains and she swallows the pills like pez.
Nothing interfers.
Her nightly ritual cannot be compromised.
She panics when bottles are lost or the pill count gets low.

See me here, bland, plain, and undeclared.
See me fall.
See it's funny.
Watch me cry and bleed.
If it helps you to see me hurt then I will hurt myself some more.

I hear panic in your voice at the mere suggestion of the end of life.
How could I have forgotten?
Why did I go blind?
Now I heat it, see it and feel it
Your pain is more valuable when I can keep it from you.
Someday, one day, we all die.
I just can't choose the day myself.
I have to let fate decide.

Kill Myself

What am I doing?
Who am I kidding?
I mess up everything I touch.
I'm a walking, talking one woman wrecking ball.

I'm a clutz.
I'm a duntz.
Stamp Loser on my forehead.
Black ball me.
Execute me.
Toss me to the curb.

I'm my own worst enemy.
No one can hurt me more then I do myself.
If there's a way to screw it up I'll find it.
I'm gonna get myself killed one day.
I'm gonna get myself killed one day.

I walk under ladders.
I love black cats.
I never win anything.
I even lose more than I have.
I see numbers backwards.
I walk into posts.
I'm a habitual whiner with an appetite for cheese.
My skill is annoying people.
I excel at it so well that people want to hurt me.
Oh, well.

I'm my own worst enemy.
No one can hurt me more then I do myself.
If there's a way to screw it up I'll find it.
I'm gonna get myself killed one day.
I'm gonna get myself killed one day.

I fall down unexpectedly.
I trip over my own two feet.
I bite my tongue in my sleep.
I swallow when I should spit.
It's disgusting isn't it?
I can't help myself.
I want to hange myself.
Put the hemp rope away.
I can't go out to play.
I always have a headache.
I'm always cranky.
It's always been a bad day.

I'm gonna end up getting myself killed one day.
It'll be accidental.
It'll be weird.
I'll be the darwin award winner.

I'm gonna get myself killed one day.

I Believe in Love

I have to get away. There's no reason for me to stay. I'm searching for a place where I can be me. Call me a fool, but I still believe in love.

I'm chasing hope with the wind holding me back. Someday is now! I'm running down the clock. My eyes are wide open. My heart is on alert. I'm aware and ready to fall in love with you.

Everyday that escapes me brings me down. Everyday unloved is one more day to forget. I'm trying. I'm dying. I'm hoping. I'm wanting. Everyday I pray that my one true love finds me.

I have to tear down my defenses. There's no need for them anymore. I'm putting down roots to make this my home. Call me idealistic, but I still believe in love.

I'm coming into my butterfly phase; kicking out of my lonely cacoon. Someday is now! I'm riding in the moment. My smile is turned on bright. My laughter is ringing out loud. My soul is singing a happy song. I'm ready to fall in love with you.

Everyday you escape me brings me down. Everyday you don't love me is one more day to forget. I'm trying. I'm crying. I'm wishing. I'm aching. Everyday I pray that your love finds me.

Limits

I was just going to put all my writings in this blog. Limit myself to what is getting written, what has been written, and not actually put anything else in here. But I'm tired and depressed and I just don't want to type the writings in. I tried to bribe my college teenager to do it, but she refused. Laziness is always my downfall. If I don't have to do something I don't do it. I lack motivation. I can't remember the last time I got all excited about something and did it just because I wanted to.

My life now is so very different then anything I'd ever imagined it would be. I can't seem to break free of the depression. I don't want to go back on pills. They just turn me into a zombie. I need to find something to live for again. Something that makes me excited when the alarm clock goes off. I don't dislike my job. I don't hate the world. I just have nothing to hang on to. I have nothing to look forward to. Even Christmas just reminds me of everyone I've lost over the years. My mind is just stuck on the negative and I can't shake it loose.

I'm worried about myself.

It's Over

I can connect the dots.
I can read between the lines.
I know what you're not saying has been on my mind.
It's over, it's over, you've learned your lesson.
The worry isn't worth the pleasure.
You've made up your mind.
It's over, it's over, and you're no longer mine.

It was a brief moment in time.
But it lived up to every expectation I had.
You didn't plan for it to happen.
Neither had I, but it did, but it did
We stole passion when we could.
We enjoyed every second we were there.
But there's too much on your plate.
and you have too much at stake.
It's over, it's over, you say it's over.
It was the first time and it'll be the last.
It's over, it's over, you're no longer mine.

Rock Bottom

I've got to be missing something.
I keep fumbling along hoping to find where I belong.
There's no answers in the darkness.
I've got to look past my senses.
I'm barely holding up.
I think I'm going...I'm gone.

I'm gone.
I'm falling off the edge,
watching the sky get farther away.
I feel lighter then air.
I know I'll hit the bottom soon.
I hope I hit the bottom soon.
I wnat to hit rock bottom soon so I can move on.

Have you tried to think but your mind goes blank?
You become an empty slate no one wants to write on.
I'm one of those.
I'm clueless to the bone.
There's no hope for me to recover.
This lost cause in mascara and pantyhose.
I'm think I'm going...I'm gone.

I'm gone.
I'm falling off the edge,
watching the sky get farther away.
I feel light then air.
I know I'll hit the bottom soon.
I hope I hit the bottom soon.
I want to hit rock bottom soon so I can move on.

Before

I don't know what to say.
How do you begin to understand
the horrors this world hands out,
to innocent bystanders, sudden victims?
You're scared and crying.
How do you capture the moments
BEFORE
before the pain?
before you were destroyed?
before your heart was ripped out?

We all hope there's some explanation,
either in our faith or the laws of human nature.
We cling to any possibility that we are right
and those who disagree are wrong.
There's a second of calm between dusk and the last bit of daylight.
If we could freeze the world
If we could reverse the tides of carelessness
If we could stop the wave of selfishness
and remind the world what it's like to serve
the good and kind
the just and the innocent

They are all stripped and powerless against the darkness of the world today.
No one is safe anywhere anymore.
There's no magical line you can cross,
to where the devil can't bring chaos to your door.
No escape from the doubt and the fear that cloud our vision
and cause our tears.
How do you capture the moments
BEFORE
before when it was simpler times?
before when your word was your bond?
before when you could take people at face value?
before when you could leave your door unlocked?

But not anymore, those times are gone for good.
Just a memory in some old man's head,
or a story to read at bedtime to the kids.
Before the world was stained by lies.
Before free love became twisted and died.
Before I was born.
I don't have any recollection of the time before.

Impatient

It's got to be done now, now, now
It's got to be my way
and it's got to be quick
I can't sit around all day
I'm in a hurry
I got places to go and people to see
so do it now, now, now

I'm impatient today.
I rush around like a mad woman,
but I'm never ahead of the game.
I feel stressed everyday.
I'm being pulled in 50 different directions.
I'm impatient today.

I tap my fingers on the counter.
I keep looking at my watch.
I honk my horn alot.
Can't these people go faster?
Don't they know I need to be somewhere?
I swear they slow me down on purpose.
I'm not getting anywhere.
I'm ready to punch the gas.
Take some chances,
I can't let this opportunity pass me by.

I'm impatient.
It's got to be right now.
I'm impatient.
It's got to be done my way or it's not right.
I'm impatient.
I get called names.
I get flipped off.
but i have to keep moving.
I can't stop.
I might never catch up again.
I'm impatient because it's a means to the end.

Missing Love

I'm not going to accomplish anything else tonight.
But I don't want to go home.
I don't want to be alone.
Everything about me screams loser.
My dreams fled long ago.

There's not alot of options for people like me.
I am hanging on by a thread.
My hope has deserted me.
My heart doesn't speak to me.
My depression sinks me to new lows.
It's hard to want someone who doesn't want you.
It hurts to watch them find love without you.

I keep finding myself in the same situation.
Driving down the wrong way on a one way street.
Too scared to stopo and ask for directions.
I flirt with diseaster.
I tangle with emotional distress.
I fall in love with love.
I must confess I am a mess.
Screwed up beyond repair,
I look around for relief from my despair.

Happy couples surround me.
I want to vomit.
I want to run.
I keep looking for a gun.
I want to rip my eyes out.
I don't want to see what they have is something I'll never get.
It's love returned.
It's a blessed event.

Here I am empty handed again.
My heart shredded by my mislead directions.
I've been ejected before I ever moved in.
I just want to be loved.
I miss being in love.
I want to be loved.

I Warned You

Who told you life would be easy?
Who said you'd always get your way?
Who made you think the world revolved around you?
That person needs to be flambayed!
Life is an uphill struggle.
You're lucky to make it a quarter of the way,
before you start hitting the down side.
The king sits at the top of the hill,
he throws rocks at you, laughing his ass off.
How dare you challenge him!

We all hold on to our delusions of granduer for awhile,
some longer then others.
A few manage to rise above the gravity,
the rest of us slam to the ground and get doused in reality.
I was once a dreamer, like you.
I was once a fool.
I draped myself in romantic trappings,
hoping to catch a match made in heaven.
I got a devil with an angel's face instead.
He promised me the world and left me his trash.
I guess that makes me jaded.
Solving life's little mysteries aren't my priority.
I'm happy to make it through the day.
I'm just going through the motions, but I still pray once a day.

I don't believe in the fairy tales.
I don't hope for better.
I sit in my corner of the room and make due.
It's survival I'm striving for.
My life's vision got twisted around.
Now I don't remember where I was going in the first place.
My memory seems to blur out the good things.
I shield myself from others dreams.
Covered and protected I hide my soul away.
You do what you want, but you can't say,
that I didn't warn you.
Life will have it's own way with you.

Not a Word

My tongue still tingles with your taste.
My skin still trembles from your touch.
My heart is going to burst because I love you so much.

I can still smell you on my flesh.
I can still feel your heat between my legs.
You mean everything to me.

I never thought the day would come
Where you and I would be one.
This is our little secret.
You can trust me.

Not a word will escape these lips.
Not a word will ever be said about this.
Not a word to betray your love for me.

I know you trust me.
I know you love me.
Wrap your arms around me.
Kiss me.

My muscles still feel weak.
My cries of joy still echo in my ears.
The sensation of your shaved head against my nipples
still drives me wild.

You're amazing.
You're my baby.
You make me smile like crazy.

I can't concentrate.
I close my eyese and see you kneeling in front of me.
You surprise me.
You indulge my fantasies.

I wanted you for so long.
You don't know what this means to me.
I love you so much my heart's about to explode,
But no one will ever know.

Not a word will escape my lips.
Not a word will be said about this.
Not a word will be written in the stars.
Not a word will betray your love for me.

The Sun Still Shines

You wrapped me up in your arms.
You protected me from the darkness.
You hid me away from the world.
You cloaked me in brillance.
You dazzled me with your wit.
You charmed me with your kisses.

There wasn't anything I wouldn't do to be with you.
The world keeps turning.
The sun still shines.
But I'm so blue without you.

You trusted me with your secrets.
You respected my opinions.
You laughed at my jokes.
You coaxed me out of my shell.
You gazed at the stars with me.
You made me feel special.

There wasn't anything I wouldn't do to be with you.
The world keeps turning.
The sun still shines.
But I'm so blue without you.

Times have changed, you're not the same.
I feel stuck in the trap you made.
I feel I'm going in circles.
You've had enough of me.
You want out.

I don't understand you.
There wasn't anything I wouldn't do to be with you.
The world keeps turning.
The sun still shines.
But I'm so blue without you.

It's Not For Me

I want to hold my dream in my hands.
I want to smell love on the wind.
I want to create life inside of me.
I want to give birth to my creativity.
It's not going to happen that way.
It's not going to be the miracle I need.

Love isn't for me.
It's not for me to have what I've always dreamed.
A man by my side. A loving family.
It's not for me. I'm too independent.
I'm too set in my ways to make changes now.
No, It's not for me. Being happy isn't for me.
Love isn't for me.

I want to make love from dusk until dawn.
I want to snuggle on rainy nights.
I want to watch you sleep and dream every night.
I want to feel your touch on my skin.
I want to know you're my man.
It's not in the cards for us to be together.
It's not what I imagined it would be.

Love isn't for me.
I keep missing the happily ever after.
I keep bypassing the blissful union.
I've set myself up in the trappings of being single.
I can't extract myself from my fears of committment.
I'm too set in my ways to change.
No, it's not for me. Being happy is not for me.
Love isn't for me.

The Same Old Questions

What do I need?
A question i can't answer.
More money? Less weight?
More happiness? Less expenses?

What do I want?
The answer changes daily.
A lover and a friend? A new car?
A foot rub? A new book to read?

What do I think?
Not enough to bother to answer.
World peace will never be. Is this a bite or a zit?
Will I have a job tomorrow? Can the dog understand me?

What do I dream?
The answers are always the same.
Winning the lottery. Sex with Orlando Bloom.
Having more babies. Being on the Price is Right.

What do I feel?
The answer is confusing.
Calm. Sad.
Content, yet depressed.

What do I change?
The answer is everything.
My weight. My attitude.
My hair color. My outlook.

The question never change and neither do I.

Sickie

I watch the blood I just spit into my bathroom sink swirl around and then go down the drain.
I struggle to breathe through my blocked nasal passages.
My image in the mirror is blurry though my watering eyes.
I try to focus on my hair and my eyes burn.

I make it to work 15 minutes late.
I'm coughing and my co-workers gripe "Sickie's here"
I suck on my cough drop while the office quietly spins.
I can't wait until tomorrow when I work from home in my pajamas.

It's not even 9am and I feel exhausted.
My chest hurts and my shoulders ache.
When the hell did it get so bright in here?
Can I sleep sitting up in this chair?
The work is written in Greek today.
I might as well forfeit and drive home to crash under my covers.

Next week is vacation.
I can stick it out.
I can make it.
I'm down to one eye open with a marching band playing in my head.
It's no swine flu but it'll do, that'll do.
Another swig of Dt. Dr. Pepper, ti's cold liquid soothes my scratchy throat.
At 11 my greatest joy will be swallowing 2 more cold tablets.

My Eyes Hurt

my eyes hurt
they water and they burn
they are sick of seeing the world of pain
the bombs exploding, the hate and the crime, the children disappearing overnight
my eyes hurt
they can’t stop crying
they can’t believe all the horrors they see
towers are crumbling, planes are falling from the sky, and people are jumping to die
my eyes hurt
the world has become blurry and unrecognizable to them
they see the predators around every corner
they aren’t just seeing strangers anymore.
it’s our neighbors, our clergymen, our scouts, our teachers, and our counselors too
i want to sew my eyes shut
so i can’t see the tragedies as they unfold
but the axe has fallen
slicing the wool over my eyes to shreds
this is the world
and seeing is believing

Remember I Love You?

how can i reach the deeper end of your pool
when do i get to see beyond the facade of your beautiful face
where did the real you go
do you even know where to find yourself
please don’t run and hide
it won’t hurt much to let me in
just fall on back without looking and you’ll see
that i will catch you in my arms
you’ll be safe here with me

how can i express how i feel about you?
words seem unable to capture a human soul
even with all the poetry and music in this world
i cannot manage to let you know how much i love you
it is a puzzle i cannot solve
a problem that i cannot resolve

i worry if you knew if you would think less of me
so i hide it and bury the feelings deep in my heart
i figure it doesn’t matter how i feel or what i have to say
you have made your mind up and that’s very clear
you and i aren’t meant to be
so i will sit and watch how life unfolds
with my feelings of love for you never told

Over and over i keep telling myself that love really doesn’t matter
i can be whole without having you to hold
but i feel like there is this huge black hole sucking out my soul
life just seems so dull without a spark of love
to keep my fires burning & to keep my heart churning

i just sit around these days doing nothing
my love is growing stagnet and moldy
i doubt even if i was given the chance to love you
that i don’t remember how to love a man
it has been so long ago since i had to tell a man ‘i love you’
that i am fearful i have lost the ability to utter the phrase
i am so scared of being hurt and torn apart
that i have built a fort of defenses to keep you out
i don’t know how the gate works to let you in

so i will sit here watching the sun go across the sky
praying the sun will make me go blind
so i won’t have to see you loving someone else
i will pretend again that i don’t love you
and i will let your life unfold without you knowing i love you

Five and Dimes

you don’t understand me and you don’t even pretend to try anymore
it’s your soul i’ve been trying to reach
it’s not my fault you sold it to the devil
everybody wants someone to blame
every little problem they have is beyond their control
they are a victim, helpless and torn

the five & dimes are all closed up
All you see are broken windows, cracked sidewalks, and rats
downtown looks abandoned and forlorn
the american dreams is cheaper at wal mart
small town america is fading fast
you got to have a mall in town to last
it’s all about yourself and to hell with everybody else

nobody wants to care about someone else
the only track your on is the me express
and you only stop when you see someone with something you got to have
you may say the right words
you may nod your head in sympathy
but what you’re thinking is how can i get away and think about me

the five & dimes are all closed up
all you see are broken windows, cracked sidewalks, and rats
downtown looks abandoned and forlorn
the american dreams is cheaper at wal mart
small town america is fading fast
you got to have a mall in town to last
it’s all about yourself and to hell with everybody else

Player Jack

He’s a one-eyed jack
Charismatic pirate in a dead head tie
Who likes to love them
And leave them behind
He will slither past your defenses
And swallow your heart whole
Even a chameleon couldn’t see where he hides his heart

You’re always chasing what you can’t have
Hoping to hit the proverbial pot of gold
But you keep getting the Cracker Jack prize
Close your eyes and what do you see?
It’s a picture perfect image but he’s not what he seems

He does it all with a smile
That says, ‘Try to catch me if you can’
And then he’s gone on
To the next little tramp that will drive him wild

He likes his camels
He likes his coffee
And his beer
Other than the occasional frolic in the woods
He couldn’t care
If he was all alone for the rest of his life
It’s men like him that fuel young girls fantasies
It’s men like him that put women into therapy

While You Were Gone

While you were gone, I thought about you every 5 seconds
I wondered if you were doing the same
I counted the seconds until you’d be home
While you were gone, I dreamed you were in my bed every night
I hoped you were alone in your bed every night
I wished you’d call me and say Hello
While you were gone, I convinced myself to let you go
I thought you didn’t matter to me anymore
I knew I was better off without you here with me
While you were gone, I went through an emotional epiphany
I made decisions on my own without your input
I went out alone and enjoyed it
While you were gone, the days got longer and the nights got shorter
The weather got warmer and rain came.
The weather got colder and snow came
While you were gone, I went back and forth
I couldn’t figure out what I needed from you
I wanted to know if I could do it by myself
While you were gone, I lost five pounds
I stopped eating chocolate for one week.
I lightened my hair to a strawberry blonde.
While you were gone, I contemplated my place in the cosmos.
I tried to picture us living together until we die.
I imagined what are children would look like.
While you were gone, I was sad.
I cried.
I was angry you left me alone.
While you were gone, I gained some perspective.
I took a few steps back on this road.
I fantasized a life where I didn’t need you.
While you were gone, I daydreamed about you.
I calculated what you would say about all this.
I tried to guess your reaction to my news.
While you were gone, I drove myself mad.
I went crazy with thinking what if I did that or this.
I spent way too much time on you.
Now your back and I can’t tell you any of this.
Now your back and it’s like you never left.
Now your back and I don’t know what to do about that.

Everyday Miracles

You belong to me is what you say
I say there’s no one else I want to be with
It’s that simple when were together
The world takes second place
When it’s you and I face to face
I can’t help but wonder what I did so right
To make you love me
To make you mine

Let’s look back inside the turning of the clock
To the moment we met
When it looked impossible to love another
As much as we do now
Let’s see the miracle
The everyday miracle of our love as it is today

You never thought you could make it
I never thought I would want to try
But here we are together
And I have never felt so complete
There’s no where else I’d rather be
And no one else I’d rather see
It’s beautiful and perfect
It’s so simple, this everyday miracle

Stop and Think

Let’s stop and think
Just for a second
That’s not a very long time
To reconsider what you are about to say
A split second of time
To prevent blowing your future into dust
Stop and think before you open that mouth of yours
Words wound permanently
I know you’re hurt and you’re angry
I know I have been insensitive to you
And it shows
But stop and think
Stop and think
Before you end it all
Before you close the door on our hopes and dreams
Stop and think of the happy times
Stop and think of our love
Stop and think just one last time
Please stop
Please think
Before you say ‘goodbye’

Everybody Knows

Pretty pink polish on her little toes
Pretty blue eyes and a cute upturned nose
She’s beautiful today
And she knows she’ll be gorgeous when she grows up
And it shows
In her smile
In her giggle
In the way she flips her hair
She’s a woman in waiting
Eager and confident to discover her charms
She knows the boys will love her
When she gets all grown up
She’s learning the walk
And someday she’ll get down the talk
It goes by so fast
Mommy’s little girl loves dolls today
But mommy knows it will go away
No more little girl ways
She’s beautiful in every way
And tomorrow she’ll be gorgeous
Everyone knows

Careful

There’s a truth hidden deep in every heart
Buried beneath lies and misconceptions
With charm planted up on top to cover up the rough spots
Your caught somewhere in the middle
Of who you are and who you want to be
The path is tricky, steep, and dark
Careful not to slip and fall

Careful not to lose it all
No one knows and no one would care anyway
All you want is a little love
But you’re so misunderstood
Careful are they’ll see that you want more
Careful are you’ll get burned

Thoughts speed by on this roller coaster life of mine
I scream my lungs out and at the end of the ride
I don’t have a voice to tell you why
It’s a vicious circle of ½ truths and little white lies
A pinch of misdirection
A smidgen of diversion
And you’re safe again
A mask of perfection
Careful not to drop it

Careful not to lose it all
No one knows and no one would care anyway
All you want is a little love
But you’re so misunderstood
Careful are they’ll see that you want more
Careful are you’ll get burned

Be careful to protect yourself
Don’t get your hopes to high
You’ll just be disappointed in the end
Be careful or every one will discover your only human
Discover you want love
Just like me and just like them
So be careful…

Every Time

I can’t hide what I feel inside
Everyone knows I love you
I wear my heart upon my sleeve
But you don’t notice how my heart bleeds

Every time you look my way
Every time my tongue gets in the way
Every time I don’t know what to say
You back away
You back away

I try to be so cool
I conceal so many secrets
So what’s one more tucked inside my soul
But somehow everyone knows
Everyone but you

Every time you look my way
Every time my tongue gets in the way
Every time I don’t know what to say
You back away
You back away

I catch glimmers of hope in your eyes
Or is that my own desire
Reflecting back on to me
I don’t know what I really see
But I want so badly to be with you

I am told young love fades
And time will drive these blues away
I desperately want to believe it’s true
But I am so helplessly in love with you

Every time I look your way
Every time my tongue gets in the way
Every time I don’t know what to say
You back away
You back away

I am so devoted
I am in so much pain
So many secrets that I hold inside
But everyone knows how I feel
Everyone sees it
Everyone but you…

Think of Me

If you’re tired, down, and sad
Just think of me
If you’re cranky, mad, and bad
Just think of me
Think of me as your friend
That one person there through thick and thin
The shoulder to cry on
The one to tell you to move on
The one to coax you to smile
And to tell you tomorrow will be better

If you’re sick of the hassle
If you’re sick of the bustle
Just think of me
If you’re fed up
If you’re giving up
Just think of me
Think of me as your friend
The one to keep you going
The one to be there till the end
The person you can talk to
The one that loves your for you

If the world’s closing in
Just think of me
If you feel ugly and blue
Just think of me
Think of me as your friend
Tried and true
The one to lean on
The one to trust
The one to laugh with
And the one to fuss over you

True friends are few and far between
So please don’t forget about me

My Beloved One

I could stare into your eyes all night.
My beloved one.
You’re the fire in my eyes.
You’re the hope in my heart.

Nothing starts without me thinking of you.
My beloved one.
There’s only you on my mind when I dream at night.
You’re my miracle.

Life would be dark without you.
My beloved one.
I can’t pretend I’m Mozart writing perfect music to be remembered forever.
I’m all thumbs.
I mess up a lot.
But you still love me.

You’re still here.
My beloved one.
I couldn’t live without you.
My days would collapse and the nights would laugh.

If you ever left me they’d have to bury me.
My beloved one.
Without you I’d come undone.
Love is fickled.
You can take it or leave it.
You’re the reason why I bother to breathe.

I look into your blue gray eyes and the world grows brighter.
My beloved one.
Let me love you forever.
You’re my priceless treasure.
You’re my universe.
You’re the glue that keeps me together.

I’d shatter into nothingness if you left.
My beloved one, your voice calls to me.
Your laugh is music to my ears.
We can live happily ever after in the middle of the middle class.
I’ll hold you tight.

Your heartbeat against my ear fills me with joy.
My beloved one, stay.
I love you today and I’ll love you tomorrow.
You will always be my beloved one.

I’ll covet every minute I get to share with you.
My Beloved One.
I’ll store up your love to see me through the hard times.
I know one day even you have to fly on your own.

My beloved one, never forget your way back home.

Fat White Girl

Watch me pull this rabbit out of my ass! Gasp! See the fat white girl, she’s such a jackass. Does she think she’ll pass and become a multi-platinum album selling white female rapper? The first to get the accolades and the parades. The one to bring home a Grammy, moon men, and a Oscar. She’s delusional. The girl is losing it.

Lock her up in the suburbs and buy her a mini-van. Get her that husband and 2 and half kids. Don’t forget the dog and the PTA. That’s what that fat white girl’s future is supposed to be. Give it up Blondie! There ain’t nobody want to see you on a stage.

You ain’t even pretty. How you going to get famous ugly? Down another cookie and a dr. pepper, cause every one knows in this biz you need 6 pack abs, a big rack, and a tight ass to get a record deal.

There ain’t no fat people on idol that stay for long. So go back to the burger king and super size those fries then go to the fucking mall. Because fat white bitch that’s where you belong.

I knew

Self absorbed in the negative my ego’s barely registered.
I’m better with food in my mouth. It keeps me out of trouble.
I lie. It’s a simple fact. I open my mouth and out spills insanity.
If I don’t know I make it up. It works but it sucks when I get caught.

I feel that the T.V. hates me. It never tells me anything good.
I change channels all night long, but I find nothing to interest me.
Yet, I don’t turn it off. It’s enslaved me.
I want to see what will be next. I can’t miss it.

If I hear it’ll be Okay one more time I think I’ll scream.
I’ve waited 20 years for okay to come and it hasn’t.
I’ve seen bad and I got to meet worse. Devastation was horrible to me.
Death came and wouldn’t go away without taking half of me with him.
I still touch my pain, it reminds me to feel.

I cry thinking someday I’ll heal, so I keep picking at my scab to keep it fresh and bleeding because I don’t want to forget you.
I look both ways before I cross the street. I pay my taxes.
I dot my I’s and cross my t’s. If there’s a rule then it’s a rule for me.
I don’t dare color outside the lines. My fear of being caught paralyzes me a lot.

I dabble in sin. Never dipping too far in.
But one day I met this man, that’s when I fell deeper, so deep into the well.
You’d think I’d think before I leapt onto him.
I knew better but I still went into never never land holding his hand.
He’s telling me lies and I tell myself it’s truth.

This works until he leaves then I hurt. And he always leaves.
He has to go. His family is waiting for him at home.
Regret upon regret. I’m my own worst enemy.
I’ve done it again to me. My mistakes get grander every time.
What can I say? I have no excuses.
I knew. I knew. I knew.

A Wednesday

A Wednesday has arrived. Friday is within my sight. If I can just make it through the daily grind I’ll be free for a little while.

My life has faded into nothing. I work. I eat. I work some more and then I go home bored. I am too tired to play. I can’t recall the last time I ran for no reason.

I’ve become fat. I live a sedentary life style. I waddle when I walk. My jaws flap when I talk. It’s all too much for me to bare, that’s why I never look in the mirror. I’ve lost sight of me.

I’ve gotten so far past control that I’m in eating overload. I go into this world with good intentions. I never mean to mention the things I say. I’m even superstitious. But it all goes wrong anyway.

The bank won’t let me have my money. The 3 credit bureaus think they are God. I can’t buy a home because I have no self control. Reality really does bite and bite over and over again until your ripped into pieces and bleeding slowly to death. You put out your hand and it gets smacked until it’s red.

I go to church to reach some inner peace but when I can’t give 10% I fill up with guilt. I feel so worthless. My faith isn’t enough to save me. My hopes have fled me.

I drive past the pretty houses all in a row. They taunt me because they’re flaunting how much better life for those people inside of them. My brain screams ‘A house does NOT make a home!’ My demons chant back, “How would you know? How would you know? How would you know?”

I don’t know if it’ll be alright. It’s never a good night. I want to run far away and start over again. Put me in the eye witness protection program, because I’m tired of who I am. I’m so so so tired of who I am!

After 8 pm

8:25PM here I am thinking about you again. In the stillness of the night my mind races. I get caught up in my dreams. So many hopes rest upon your shoulders. I’m sorry I’m not much help. I do all I can from sinking under my despair. It’s all on you. Be strong, I need you. You’re all I have. I hold on tight. I pray I don’t squeeze you to death. Rest easy tonight. Peace comes with the light. Peace comes with the light.

8:30PM here I am wondering what you’re doing. You’re so far away where I can’t touch you. I worry about big things and silly stuff. Are you safe? Are you warm? Did you laugh today? I miss your smile the most. It’s warmth cheered my soul. Now it’s dark and cold. I feel so alone. It’s all on you. Be strong. I need you. You’re all I have. I hold on tight. I pray I don’t squeeze you to death. Rest easy tonight. Peace comes with the light. Peace comes with the light.

8:33PM here I am twirling my hair. I’m closing my eyes and wishing you were here. The day goes by so quickly. I keep my mind diverted from your image, but now is the time you settle in on my mind. My dreams can’t hold me or kiss me or keep me warm. It’s been too long since we’ve touched. I miss you. I love you so much. I remember peace will come with the light. So rest easy tonight. Peace will come with the light.

Useless Desires

Resolution - I have lots of useless desires. They keep me from moving forward. I revolve around fulfilling them. I make lists about them. I save money for them. I dream about them. My life is frozen by my useless desires.

I neglect my needs. All my energy is gone. I sit on my ass all day long. I’ve been entrenched for almost a decade in a sedentary life style. As I’ve tried to stop the expansion of my waistline I’ve sacrificed my self-esteem. No longer is the future this optimistic place to be. I fear heart disease.

How do I gain control when I let my self-discipline leave ten years ago? Who will hold me now? I know I’m beyond hope. Higher and higher I climb on the slipper slope of obesity holding my breath as each medical report hits that I won’t fall right into my grave.

I have run out of excuses to give. My existence teeters on me changing who I let myself become. No book or pill can help me when I won’t help myself. I hate sweat. I hate lettuce. But I also hate being a size 22 and running out of breath just walking to my door.

I’m at the edge of a cliff. Do I jump or do I step back and live? I don’t know what to do and no one else can do this for me. January and New years are coming. Will I stick to the new path or come undone?

I have to break a lot of bad habits. Chocolate is my heroine. Cheese is my alcohol. Pop is my vicodin. It’s got to end before I’m buried 6 feet deep in a damp dark hole. I’ve known this for years, yet the pattern continues.

I eat to soothe, to cheer, to pass the time. I’ve never known hunger. I’ll never be full. Up on the wagon I’ll go. Lock me in and take away the ho ho’s. I’m going to be a bitch. But it’ll get better. God, it has to get better!

Losing You

I forget who you are. You don’t call me anymore. We don’t talk anymore. My hopes grow smaller each day. I’m losing all I remember about you.

Your smile is fuzzy. Your laughter is fading. I can’t remember your touch. I’m losing you.

I feel it so strongly and it’s wrong. I can’t hold on to you. You’re slipping through the cracks of my mind. My heart is getting colder toward you every minute you’re gone.

I’m closing the door on us. Time is destroying us. The stars will be in the night sky for centuries to come, but our love won’t last past the next dawn.

I’ve been neglected and I’m tired of the worry and sick of the waiting. All that I wanted was you here with me so we’d have a chance but with every new day I realize you’re never going to be here with me. And I hate the pain. I’m losing you.

I get static from all my friends and family about you. I had enough doubts on my own without their’s being added on to them. I’m scared to be alone and the longer this takes the more real my fear becomes.

I don’t mean to be pessimistic but it seems pre-destined. We shined so bright and burned so hot that we couldn’t go on forever without blowing up. I’m losing you and it sucks.

Okay

My heart stops when I think of you. All the times I’ve betrayed you in my mind build up inside. I’m ready to crash into the wall and destroy the love we’ve built together. I don’t know why I do things like this.

You’re confused by me as I am. I can’t help myself. I always betray myself. The guilt burns in my soul. It sours all I touch with the stench of failure. I can’t escape myself. I’m sick of doing this to me.

I tell myself all the time to be positive. But a negative thought always comes along. I’m always sorry when I do you harm. But you’re tired of my apologies and you’re ready to move on. I don’t blame you. I never do. It’s me that’s the root of all evil.

I tell myself it’ll be ok. Someday I’ll get it right. I’m not crazy, just lazy. And if I worked on it I could be a better person to be around but it always falls to the ground.

Self-fulfilling prophecies, pre-destined before I talked or walked doomed me to be alone. I tell myself how could God be wrong. I tell myself somewhere there’s someone who’ll get me.

I tell myself everyday I’m not in pain just to get through. I tell myself a lot of things, but it never takes. I never make the cut and I’m always behind. I tell myself someday I’ll be okay. Someday it’ll all be okay.

My World

You’re the light in my life
The day and the night
You’re the one I lean on when times are tight
I can’t think of enough ways to say
You’re my world

When my world ends a new one begins
When there are times of hope
When there are moments of joy
My world of pain seems so far away
When your laughter is in the air
When your smile is shining
That’s when my world ends so a new one can begin

You lift me up when I am down
You help me out when I need it
You are my light in the darkest of nights
I just can’t describe what you mean to me
Words cannot capture your spirit
You are my sun, moon, and stars
You are my world
And I revolve around you

So when I think that the world has ended
I just look at you and a new one begins
So bring the end
And let it take me over
So I can see the birth of your world
And I can feel new again

Giving Up

I am tired and I am weary.
I am alone and I am blue
I searched my heart and came up empty.
It sure is hell being in love with you.
People keep telling me it’s time to move on.
Throw out the old and get on with the new,
But they ain’t ever been in love with you.
Every time I start to let go
There you are begging for one more try
When do I have to draw the line?
I’ve already bleed to death several times

I am tired and I am weary
I am alone and I am blue
I searched my heart and came up empty.
It sure is hell being in love with you.
You think you have finally found someone to love
She’s everything you wanted in a woman
She drives you wild and makes you want more
And the best thing about her is she isn’t me
It’s just like you to make me feel like nothing

I am tired and I am weary
I am alone and I am blue
I searched my heart and came up empty.
It sure is hell being in love with you.
I guess it’s too late to start over
I thought someday you would come around
Realize how much you need me
But I am just kidding myself to think you ever cared
If it isn’t about you then you don’t even notice I’m there
So here we go on this ride of denial
Where everything is nothing and its all smiles
It’s hell to be in love
It sucks to be in love
And I am just giving up on you

Guarentee

I see my future looking into your eyes
I know my heart’s desire is being with you for all time
Walk with me
Talk with me
Join me on this path
I guarantee my love will last

I hear you call my name over the loudest crowd
I feel your touch and the world disappears
Dance with me
Laugh with me
Join me on life’s journey
I guarantee my love will last

I taste the sweetness of your lips against mine
I search your soul and find my lifelong mate
Sing with me
Play with me
Join me on this winding road
I guarantee my love will last

The Reason

Smiles and kisses, Sweetness and Joy
Love and hugs, Laughter and more
I am in love with you
Hopelessly lost in your eyes
Just can’t stop thinking about you
I am mesmerized by your smile
I give up and fling myself into this abyss
I am in love with you
And this world revolves around you
Life doesn’t get any better than this…
I embrace my womanhood
Surround myself in lace and satin
Drown myself in gels and perfumes
Strut down the street
Proud of my body
Proud of my looks

You are the reason
You are the one that has made me come alive
You show me my beauty
You want me for who I am
And that makes me comfortable in my own skin

I feel sexy, bold, and daring
I want to be bad and wild
Dance and tease
I am walking straight and tall
Wearing dainty panties and bras
Painting my toe nails and wearing pretty dresses

You are the reason
You are the one that has made me come alive
You show me my beauty
You want me for who I am
And that makes me comfortable in my own skin

I need to please you
Be your eye candy
Delightful and sinful
Let me make you smile by using my womanly charms
I can’t get enough of this revolution
It’s a new me busting through the enemy line
I have found my feminine side

You are the reason
You are the one that has made me come alive
You show me my beauty
You want me for who I am
And that makes me comfortable in my own skin

Someday

Could time move any slower?
Is this all there is,
The 2nd hand of the clock,
Just laughing in my face?
Never realized how painful my fall from grace would be.
I would have waited for the movie version,
Instead stupid me, decided to jump off the cliff,
Right into the world’s fire.
I got burned alive and crucified by love’s desire.
So I keep running from myself
Telling the mirror that it’s not what it seems
Delusions like these keep me sane.
And still I dream, I still pray, and I still hope
You’ll come back to me someday

I am a heartbroken victim of love’s unending war.
The strife and the turmoil just wear me down even more.
I thought I had it all figured out.
I was so brave and fearless then I found out,
People aren’t always what they seem,
People aren’t always what you want them to be.
And here I am crying in my ice cream laughing,
because I’m pathetic and I know everyone hurts,
but no one could hurt more often then I do
I keep ripping my heart out and giving it away
To idiots that smash it to pieces
And I still dream, I still pray, and I still hope
That you’ll come back again someday

All I want

I can’t eat when you’re upset with me. You talk to me like I can’t feel you but I do. And it makes me so sad because your words drive home the fact you’ll never be mine I have myself every time I lean on you. I tell myself to let go, but I’m holding on. It’s self-destructive, I know, but I can’t stop. Loving you is all I want. You’re all I want. I have you memorized. Your lines deepen when I make you smile. I feel the warmth of your gaze upon my breasts. But the next day those eyes are cold and uncaring. I want to know what you want from me. What do you want me to do? I try to avoid the cliché’s. I bury myself in the work, it soothes me. I’m trapped within my thoughts. I’m hurt, but you’re playing victim. You say I expect too much and maybe I do. But it’s because I need you near me. I miss you holding me. When you push me away it causes me so much pain. When all I want is to love you. Why won’t you let me love you?

Bravo

I can’t take anymore. I’m up in the clouds and we’re floating around with no worries and in an instant I’m face down on the ground. Broken and bruised and barely breathing and you’re gone.

I never saw it coming.

The wind changed so fast. I believed every promise that our love would last. Bravo, what a great performance!

I waited with anticipation for every line. You’re the great deceiver baby. Bravo, you fooled me into loving you. Bravo! I’m losing everything.

I’m nice and warm lying in bed next to you lost in the sweetest dreams and then darkness creeps in. Then a cold chill wakes me up and you’re gone. I never saw it coming. You gave me no warnings. Every night you held me close to your heart.
Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!

I'm Not Done

You think I’m a fool. The way I fawned over you. You took my affection and left me with your rejection. I feel your poison killing me. As you move on my blood seethes. My veins are overflowing with your disease. My anger boils out of control, it’s bitterness on my tongue. I swear I’m not done.

You’ll pay. One day I’ll make you pay for what you’ve done. I’ll catch you soon and nail your balls to the ground where you stand. You’ll pay for what you did to me. You were cold and cruel. Like leaving was as easy as breathing for you. You already had a little something on the side. You were biding your time. I ignored all the signs. I stood frozen to the spot when you walked out at 2 on the dot.

My heart hurts. My eyes weep. My stomach hurls at the thought of you touching her curls. I feel the rage taking over and I’m ok with it. Because it’s the only way to make you pay. I swear I’m not done. I’ll make you pay someday for what you did to me.

Focus

Stuck inside my mind is your picture.
Every night your image crosses over into my dreams.
My life is missing you!

Every day there’s only half of me to get to know.
I hold onto your memories as tight as I can.
I’m so scared time will erase you from my mind.

I focus on you.
Without you in my heart I’d be nothing and have no one to love me.
I focus on you.
Your laughter and your smile.
The way you believed in me keeps me pulling through.
So I stayed focused on you.

Each year bring the same old shit to my door.
My problems pile up and haunt me.
I can’t move forward anymore.
I’m mired in my own unforgiving soul.
I can’t let go of the past.
I want to let you know I’ll never stop focusing on you.

Without you in my heart I’d be nothing and have no one to love me.
I focus on you.
My thoughts are fragmented and unclear.
I focus on you.
My emotions are unpredictable.
I fear I am losing my grip and that you’re slipping away.
And I’ll never get you back, but I stay focused on you.

I want to stop time now!
Hold it down and hang on to you.
So let the world go on it’s merry way and I’ll pass the days focusing on you.
I’ll stay here focused on you.

Lonely Days

I’m so lonely these days. My heart is wasting away. I sit in my house too afraid to leave. I’ve been hurt before. I make a list to see what I should do. I see the risks in black and white. I can’t talk.

I’m caught between what I want and my fears. Please come and get me out of here. I need someone to love. I want a hand to hold and occasional hugs. I’m starved for attention. But I’m scared of rejection. I need someone to love.