Happy Place

i want to be the one you want the most.
but reality bites and i'm always your 2nd place.
i keep wishing for your feelings to shift my way,
but your heart is stubborn.
and i've been unable to point it my way.
time will heal the broken heart she gave to you,
but i worry the scar tissue will keep you from ever loving me.

i hate being selfish but i disagree with you.
you think she's your soul mate.
you believe the two of you fit perfectly together.
but baby, that ain't true.
if the two of you were meant to be,
how could she walk away from you?

she had a choice and she didn't choose you.
does that sound like true love to you?
especially, when i'd pick you every time!
i want to be the one that's always on your mind.
you catch yourself talking about her.
you stop yourself from comparing us.
in my opinion, you just met her first.

it's clear we could be an epic love affair.
your desire for me could spark a million fires.
but you can't let go of the idea of her.
this pedastool you've placed her on is too high for her to ever come down.
you say you love her flaws and all,
but i think time would prove you wrong.

the human condition is a disease we all suffer.
she's already the stupidest woman i've ever heard of,
because she doesn't want you.
i know i am biased, but i know i would treat you better.
only if you'd let me love you,
then i could show you what you truly deserve.

i'm trying to capture our lightning in a cracked bottle with no lid.
this only friends with benefits satisfies my hunger for your touch,
but my heart still starves.
i don't want to push you because i'm afraid i'll lose you.
devastation is layed down in ultimatiums.
i don't want to look back on us and see it was my impatience that chased you away.

patience has never been my forte,
but i've never felt this connected before so i'll bite my tongue
and swallow my pride and hope you eventually realize that even though you aren't where you wanted to be, you ended up in a happy place here with me.

Red Roses

i have my rose colored glasses on.
the world looks bright and new.
this hope for us springs eternal.
i'm excited about our future.
i'm so happy you're free now.
you can be with me now!

life is coming up red roses of love.
i'm dancing around like a fool.
this craziness is all about you.
love turns me into an optimistic tool.

i have my blue tinted glasses on.
my heart is heavy and my frown in place.
this worry for us brings me down.
i'm concerned about our future.
i'm so sad you can't let her go.
when you can be with me now!

life is coming up thorns on dead red roses of love.
i'm falling in love with you like a fool.
this craziness is all about you.
love turns me into a teary eyed pool.

i have ripped off my glasses.
i want to see this just as it is.
this idea of us need a practical spin.
the future remains up in the air.
i'm wanting more then you can give.
you aren't ready to be with me now!

life hasn't come around with any red roses of love at all.
i'm being a fool.
thinking you could so easily move on from her.
love made me totally uncool.

Perfect Song

feelings just out of my reach
words offer no escape
i remember the love we made
it separates us from the world
when there's no distance
between our flesh
that's when it all makes sense

our conversations floating in the air
a billion light years away they'll be heard again someday
i take comfort in your voice
even when it says things i don't want to hear
the chords you strike in me
make the most beautiful melody

thoughts i can't focus
dreams bring me no relief
i like to recall the way you same my name
when i'm the reason you smile
and i am the cause behind your laugh
that's when i know it'll all be okay

our moments of connection inspire me
these poems i write last longer then you and me
i enjoy your touch
even when i can't feel it every day
the way you make me moan
makes the most perfect song

Dark Thoughts

I know what you're thinking.
I see it in your eyes.
She's on your mind every time you stare into space.
You're thinking about her taking my place.
When you go quiet suddenly she's got your tongue.
I hear her voice loud and clear.
I swear your silence says it all.
You've fallen in love and I'm out in the cold.

These dark thoughts are taking hold of me.
Sunny skies can't chase away this blackness swallowing my heart.
These dark thoughts are leading me to my destruction.
Hey, where'd I get that gun?
How'd you get on the floor?
These dark thoughts are dripping in blood.
in deep crimson sin, I found you with her,
and I came undone.
I went over and over and over the scene in my head;
Until the dark thoughts consumed me, now it's done.

I'm not as dumb as you thought I was.
I caught on quicker then you expected.
The receipts you left around the house.
The credit card bills for gifts I never got.
The hotel matchbooks for places I've never been.
The way you'd start a fight just so you could leave.
It all adds up, you've got someone new and I can't bear it.

These dark thoughts won't leave me be.
All I can see is pain and agony.
The darkness swallows me.
I want to cause you pain.
I feel rage in every part of me.
The dark thoughts seem right to me.
What was good now is bad.
What was right now is wrong.
Hey, How'd I get that gun?
How'd you get on the floor?
These dark thoughts are dripping in blood.
The velvet black of my soul wrapped this up with a crimson bow.

I don't know who you are any more.
You shut me out and let her in.
She did this to you.
Not me, I am the victim here.
In my mind it is crystal clear, it is all her fault.
She had to pay and only dark thoughts can make you see it my way.
So look inside my betrayed heart and hear the voices in my head
as they whisper, he won't hurt us ever again!

Shrink Wrapped

i keep making promises to myself.
i keep breaking promises to myself.
no one fucks me over better then i do.
my self-esteem's run out.
i'm powerless and full of doubts.
i have dark circles under my eyes.
i feel my life has been paused with a too be continued sign,
but got cancelled before the next season could begin.

the aftertaste of failure is bitter.
my stomach clenches and knots.
since when have i been this confused.
the endlessness of time stretches cruelly before me.
there's no hope out there for me.

my skin itches and feels chapped.
i look like i've been shrink wrapped.
all my feelings are pre-shrunk and vacuum packed.
i never did see anything in the mirror that i thought looked like me.
but it never changes, the image just grows fainter.
i project sloppy and disheveled, sweaty and unclean.
i just showered, but that's just how it is.
my body has never agreed with me.

i thought being clever and smart with a knack for kissing up would be enough to get me by in the world.
but i keep going backwards.
i do everything wrong.
i lack social graces and make funny faces.
this hinders my rise to be more then the bottom rung of life.
i know now how the gerbil running on the plastic wheel feels.
if it wasn't so damn sad i'd laugh at myself.

i've been working hard for so long that i've forgotten what i'm working for.
money won't heal my wounds.
i got some salt.
would you like to rub it in?
i'll juggle some eggs and you can hackle me as they hit me in the face.
these days i'm lucky to get out of bed.
i just want to lie perfectly still.
if i don't move maybe my demons will leave.

i can't let life keep beating me down with my own bat.
but i'm a cornered rat.
the cheese looks so good.
i have no will power.
feed me negativity.
my misery sops it up like a sponge.
oh God, i'm leaving, can you send me some directions to hell.
oh, wait, i'm already there, gee, that's swell.

toss away my shackles.
raise up on my feet to take a peek of who i thought i should be.
i wave to her, but she looks at me with disdain.
even i don't love me; not surprised, there's not much to me.
i'm so boring.
i bet you are nodding off by now.
the silence is so loud.
i cover my ears before it deafens me.

i hear sing song voices in my head.
they taunt me and tell me i'll never be good enough.
no man will ever love me.
i'll be in the closet, hiding, hoping no one finds out.
i've lost my mind.
i've lost my heart.
if i had a soul it took off long ago.
i could ramble for another 10 stanza's, but i'd just repeat what we already know.
every thing i've ever written has been wrote before.

October Knows

I'm losing track of time.
I look out the window and watch a day fade from blue to black.
Leaves are changing colors and falling to the ground.
The throes of death are all around me.
Winter will be colder without you around.

Natural selection has left me standing alone.
If only I had a blue print, I'd cut myself out to your specifications.
But life isn't custom made and I'm not like that.
I say what I think before I stop to edit.
You always yelled at me for that.

Last week seems like this week just the numbers have changed.
I cross out the days on the calendar with no emotion.
I go back to bed in the middle of the day.
I want to feel again, but I've forgotten how.
The happiness has left me.

Fate is something others believe in.
I believe you are always at the crossroads.
And I'm getting some bad directions.
Every choice I make leads me the wrong way.
Who can I trust when I don't trust myself?

This isn't about what I should've done or what I didn't do.
I am looking into the future, but it's too dark to see anything.
I'm scared.
So I'll settle down into another empty night and pray it'll be alright.

Drug of Choice

The stillness in the air.
The cold air funneling through my lungs.
The feelings hanging in limbo.
Altogether, it makes me want to disappear.

I heat up a can of soup.
I look around my apartment.
I miss your presence.
Life didn't seem empty until after you were here.

I take my day in small doses.
I want to drive fast, lie in bed and call you.
My whole being quivers with anticipation.
The sound of your voice has become my drug of choice.

The gray ominous sky.
The smell of moisture in the air.
The feeling of something unrealized.
Altogether, I just want to jump to the end.

I check my messages.
There is nothing from you.
I wish you missed me, like I miss you.
I didn't know I wasn't living until after I lived with you.

I can't say no to you.
I'm different with you.
My brain switches gears for you.
Your opinions have become my drug of choice.

The mellowness of a broken hearted song.
The dying leaves falling to the ground.
The feeling of the unknown.
Altogether, I wish I knew where this is going.

I flutter around doing busy work.
Counting down the minutes to you.
Your face dances continuously on my mind.
The colors have been clearer since I saw you.

I'm scared you will go away.
My fear keeps me silent.
I worry I'm not good enough for you.
You're approval has become my drug of choice.

The dullness of the office fluroscent lights.
The quiet of a slow work day.
The feeling that all of it doesn't matter.
Altogether, I'd rather be with you.

I wait for your obligations to free you.
I think about you incessantly.
I am detached from my day, because you are my nights.
And I can't recall before you were in my life.

I gather up your words to save for a bad day.
These precious moments are making me want more.
I have gone past the point of no return.
Your love is now my drug of choice.

My Green T-Shirt

I have you in the pocket of my green t-shirt.
You have my heart in your fist.
I don't think we're even.
You are driving hours away and
I'm just sitting her wondering if you feel the same.

It hurts that you don't love me.
I want to keep you, but you won't let me.
I want to be your only one, but you prefer another one.
I told you I wasn't confused and I'm not.
I am in love with you.
I couldn't be more clear about how I feel.

I have your smell on my sheets.
You have my soul wrapped around your fingers.
I don't think you even know.
You will go back to your daily routine.
I am going back to feeling empty.

It kills me you don't want to hear how I feel.
I want to hug you close, but your allergic to my cat.
I want you to stay, but you can't breathe.
I want you to know how much I love you.
I am willing to ship the cat away to be with you.
I couldn 't be more sincere about how I feel.

I have your taste on my lips.
You have my body twisted up in a knot.
I don't think you care.
You want to walk away free of strings.
I told you there are always strings you can't see.

New Directions

I'm your desire.
I stroke your inner fires.
I'm enthralled by your touch.
And you can't resist me.
We are going down the wrong way,
On a one way street.
This will end badly, it always does.
If I could be strong I'd walk away,
But you know my will power has atrophied.

He walked in and blew me away.
I stand here in shocked disbelief.
The years I spent hiding away you just
ripped right through all my paper thin exuses.
Now I'm exposed for the fearful neurotic mess I've become.

I'm turning down paths unknown.
I'm steering my own destiny instead of sitting in the backseat of my life.
Time never stops and I have to embrace the now.
I don't want to waste what I preceive as my last chance to dance with happiness.
If I was logical about this I'd run away, but I know I've been swept away by your kisses.

He says words that speak to my soul.
I sit here amazed by him.
The hours I've spent talking to him have shown me more truth then a 1,000 sins.
Now I'm feeling emotions I hadn't felt since I was a kid.

The map has changed my course.
I was heading south, but my heart has turned west towards you.
This new direction to you is beautiful to me.
You're breaking me down to help me find out who I am.
You are becoming my true north.
No lies.
No secrets.
No promises we can't keep.

He is setting me free.
And I want to be the woman he see somewhere inside of me.
I want to never leave his gaze.
I will strip down before him and stand tall.
Letting him prove to me how beautiful I am to him.

He walked in and blew me away.

Be with You

Bring me closer to heaven.
Reach beyond all my defenses.
Exceed all my expectations.
Tell me what pleasures you in the dark.

You reintroduced me to ecstasy.
Your enthusiasm for my touch
Keeps me coming back for more.
I don't know where this is going,
And for once I don't care.
As long as I get to be with you.

Believe me when I say I need you.
Respond to me when I kiss you.
Elavate me up above the clouds.
Taste me deep inside.

You awakened my dorment desires.
Your tongue against my flesh drives me wild.
Caresses and kisses are never enough.
I don't know if this will last,
And for once I don't care.
As long as I get to be with you.

Irony

oh, what am I going to do?
i am falling in love with you.
my stomach is knotting up.
my head is spinning from
all these thoughts of you;
but it's complicated.
i know you don't feel the same.
i'm your friend.
oh, what am I going to do?

you are perfect for me.
it's unfortunate you love her
and you aren't in love with me.
our conversations are the highlight of my day.
the friend in me wants you to be happy
with whomever that might be,
but my heart is selfish and wants you
all to myself.

i tell you i hope it works
between the 2 of you,
but my heart screams
please let her dump him!
i feel bad but good when he says
he's afraid it's over with her.
my smile is fixed.
my supportive words rehearsed.
i'll be a good friend,
just to keep hearing your voice.

oh, what am i going to do?
i am falling in love with you.
please screw it up somehow,
please let me find a fatal flaw.
please let me be turned off by him,
instead i want to ravage him.
if there's any balance or sense
of fairness in the universe
let him fall in love with me.
oh, what am i going to do

On the Way

He's on the way.
The stage is set.
I am prepped,
Ready and willing to
welcome him on my set.

Anticipation building,
Anxiety turning my stomach,
Butterflies circling,
Breathe, Breathe, Breathe.

He's on the way.
I can't wait
to hold him in my arms.
To kiss his lips.
To feel his touch.

Excitement doesn't cover it.
I feel like i'm floating.
I want time to speed up.
Breathe, Breathe, Breathe.

i have nothing

i have nothing to say to you.
i have nothing to give you.
i have nothing to fear.
i have nothing i want from you.

be subtle, yet be true,
all of what we are rests inside of you.
i look within myself to fullfill
the needs i once expected from you.

i have nothing but happy thoughts of you.
i have nothing but good wishes for you.
i have nothing but open arms for you.
i have nothing you would want.

be gentle, yet be honest,
all of the chaos has past us now.
i have set aside the hurt
the anger i once had for you is gone.

i have nothing but forgivness in my heart for us.

Loser

do you think i'm a loser,
cuz i can't give you everything?
do you think i'm defective,
cuz i can't satisfy all of your needs?

you got me dancin' to your tune.
you keep pullin' on my strings.
my world revolves around you.
i hold my breath every time you breathe.

chargin' up for our next encounter,
readin' up on your horoscope,
got all your bases covered.
gonna impress you with how deep my feelings go.
gonna show you how much i know.
ain't ever gonna let you go.

veritgo, spinnin', never get a grip.
i ain't ever winnin' this battle we in.
you love me then you don't.
you want me then you don't.
how am i supposed to know if it's an up day or a downer?

you got me hangin' on your every word.
you go me followin' your every move.
my life is built all around you.
my heart only beats cuz you breathe.

do you think i'm a loser,
cuz i can't buy you pretty things?
do you think i'm defective,
cuz i can't fulfill your dreams?

Hubris

am i so evolved as to be beyond pride
or is it a sin to want to be free of sin?
i am stumbling through my life.
i fall repeatedly for the same lover.
only his face and name keep changing.
i scratch beyond his facade;
and every time it's the same foundation
i've built my heart upon.

i'm conceited to think that you think i'm beautiful.
i'm overshooting my target and
landing in a mess that i've cleaned up before.
whenever i fill up on hubris,
i come tumbling back down to earth.

i have bruises still blacker then blue
showing on my soul.
i've been licking these wounds for quite awhile.
i've retreated behind the door of my straw house.
you're taking a deep breath;
i know one touch from you can blow me down.

i'm arrogant to think that you think you can't live without me.
i've gone down this road before enough to know
that's it's full of unexpected twist and turns.
whenever i puff up with hubris,
i come crashing back down to earth.

i'd be stupider then i already am to let
myself fall in love with you.
but temptation strikes every time you smile at me.
and i feel the wind leaving my independent sails.
this lonliness is trumping my pride;
i want to reach out and hold you until i die.

Self-Inflicted

my heartbreaks are self-inflicted.
i fall in love with the impossible.
i comply to appease,
then i supress contrary emotions.
until i erupt, like an emotionally
charged cussing volcano.

people think i'm happy this way.
i've just been burned one too many times.
i don't want to hurt anyone,
and i don't want to get hurt anymore.
so, i put myself in isolation.
my lonliness is self-inflicted
to protect myself from pain.

you'd think these realizations
would enable me to be a better person.
but my misery is self-inflicted.
logically, it all makes sense,
but the angsty teen in me refuses to believe
that love can end happily.

just once i'd like to break away
from my self-inflicted sadness.
and punish myself with some happiness.
but fear keeps a strict house
and i am her willing prisoner.
to be alone is to be calm.
to be calm is to find peace.
i need the peace to keep the pieces of
my shattered heart together.

Looking Back

looking back over the shoulder of time,
i remember when you were mine.
all the innocence in your kisses,
was all i needed to know i wanted to be your misses.

the marching band of time only moves forward,
we were silly to think we could keep our love as a reward.
years erased the taste of your tongue on mine,
but i still long for our last summer time.

memories run around the corridors of my mind,
your laughter, my tears, all of our fears on rewind.
we didn't know any better,
the folly of our youth made a good lifetime movie.

the parental units were wise,
they held back their discontented cries.
they let us burn out instead of fading away,
the only most passionate of loves end that way.

In The Dark

in the dark i sit to gather my thoughts.
what was today?
and what did it mean to me?
the aching shoulder
or the throbbing knee,
which one will be the death of me?

in the dark i lay waiting for sleep.
what will tomorrow bring?
and how will it impact me?
the pills taken
or the alcohol drank,
which one of these will be the end of me?

in the dark i fret about my life.
where am i going?
and when will i get there?
the mistakes i'm making
or the reckless actions i'm taking,
which one will be the destruction of me?

in the dark i hope for a better day.
why can't i get better?
and when will i get it right?
the men i've loved
or the loved ones i've lost,
which one will be what breaks me?

Memorial Day 2010

i read poems from time to time.
i like it when they rhyme.
i write poems sometimes
i try to make them rhyme.

there's a line i draw
between me and my heart.
you want to cross it.
i'm afraid that's not smart.

i like to watch from a distance.
i avoid up close and personal.
my mind outruns my wants.
these desire i have are impossible.

i limit my contact
so i don't get love sick.
i got innoculated
so your love won't stick.

i read poems sometimes.
i like that they aren't mine.
i write poems once in awhile.
i don't think they rhyme.

I Love...

i love a good song that speaks to my soul.
i love a cold dr. pepper on a hot day.
i love the smell of the air after a hard rain.
i love the feel of the heat of the dog when she's curled up on my lap.

i love a poem that captures a feeling of mine.
i love a movie that makes me laugh and cry.
i love drinking a cold glass of milk just before bed.
i love a sweet dream that lingers long after i've awoken.

i love a gloomy sky when it matches my mood.
i love the first snow flakes of winter's doom.
i love the softness of my daughter's hair.
i love laughing so hard i pee my pants.

i love the subtleness of your smile.
i love the way you drive me insane
i love the sound of your voice.
i love these days with you.

I fuck it up every time

could have loved ya better
could have held you longer
could have said i was sorry
yeah, i could have lied
but i fuck it up every time

i told you about him
and i did it mercilessly
my temper gets the best of me
but the moment you cried
those tears fell from your eyes
i saw what i could have done

could have held back
could have bit my tongue
could have walked away
yeah, i could have waited another day
but i fuck up every one i touch

i said the most hurtful words i know
spewing hate with every breath
i really let you see me at my worst
but the moment you threw your hands up
and your legs walked you out the door
i knew what i could have done

could have tried harder
could have been more sincere
could have apologized
but i can't because i'm full of fear
living my life with every thing
i could have done to keep you here
knowing i fucked it up for the last time with you.

control freak

let go, i dare you.
let someone else take control.
bite your lip;
hold your tongue;
learn to delegate once in awhile.

you complain of being tired.
you are sick of being worn out.
you bitch about being overworked,
but you do it to yourself.

you step right in and take over.
no one asked you too.
you lord over it like you own it.
then complain that no one stopped you.

you are like a tank.
you just run over every one.
i feel sorry for you.
sit back and just relax.
you work hard, yes.
but sometimes you need to let it go.

i got it.
i had it.
i was working on it.
but not up to your speed.
not under your thumb.
so you took it and ran.
now it's a bigger mess then it needs to be.

the control freak is running amok.
taking it all and throwing out nuts.
he can't step back and be objective.
he thinks he knows it all
and therefore must be in charge.

but i'm okay.
i can let it go.
i just hope you learn too
before your heart gives out on you.

My Mask

let me put on my mask.
the one to hide how i feel.
my eyes will not betray
the saddness i live everyday.

walk away, i don't want to talk.
i can't say what you want to hear.
i'm no superhero for you to worship.
my mask's only power is to disguise my pain.

take another shot, i can take it.
i play tough and i can fake my way through
any emotion you want me to have.
just don't ask me why.

this mask will only tell lies.
i'll say that i am happy.
i will tell you that i care.
but all i want is to disappear.

let me put on my mask.
the one i use to hide how i feel.
i'll stand up straight.
i'll look you in the eye;
as long as have my mask on i can lie, lie, lie.

i'm saving you so much trouble.
my locking away all my anger.
my drowning out my sorrows with loud
phoney laughter and painted on smiles.

there's no need for both of us to feel the anguish of
the unfulfilled dreams and broken hearts.
i never leave home without my mask on my face.

Dance in the Ashes of Me

it all comes rushing in on me
my insecurities, my self-hate,
i forget sometimes who i am,
but then the bad thoughts circle around again.
they're never far from the surface.
lying in wait for a second of quiet,
to pop any calm i've obtained.
and then they dance in my pain.

dance in my misery.
dance on the ruins of my dreams.
dance with disappointment.
dance around with glee
reveling in the ashes of me.

i hear strange voices over the air.
they say mean things to me.
enjoying the barbs and taunts,
my hope for a minute of peace
is shattered so i dance in my pain.

dance above my dashed hopes.
dance around my low self-esteem.
dance in the darkness of my soul.
dance around with glee.
dance in the ashes of me.

i've lost it.
there's too many people around me
to be cleaning out my closet.
i slam the door on the shadows,
pushing away recovery's hope,
jumping down the slippery slope.
and you jump up in glee,
because you can keep dancing in the ashes of me.

Lost to Me

i'm under constant surveillance.
that's not my paranoia speaking.
my sub-conscience is under duress.
it's so silent and peaceful
here in the darkness.

everything is out of control.
i make on list after another,
trying to put order to the chaos.
i'll never forget,
but i'm working on forgiveness.

i've been asking my mind to show
my heart some mercy.
i fear a mysterious death at the hands
of an unknown foe.
and all that'll be left behind by me,
will not be worth remembering.

my introspection came up empty.
my conscious unable to fill the smallest measuring cup.
my past is a compilation of confabulations
with nothing real to cling to
i fall further into dispair.

i'd build a mountain to climb
to prove i'm still alive, but
every night i put my dreams on rewind.
i disconnect from the disappointment of my reality.
i indulge in the delusion of happiness in my dreams.

my sickness masks my creator.
i have my own will and cannot submit to another.
i'm inauthentic in my thoughts,
arranging them to expedite my trip
through this finite and painful existence.
i fret my psychosis is all in my head.

the words won't come to me anymore.
i search the corners of my soul
for the inspiration i once knew,
but all is gone, lost to the holes
in my brain, lost to time, lost to me.