Self-Inflicted

my heartbreaks are self-inflicted.
i fall in love with the impossible.
i comply to appease,
then i supress contrary emotions.
until i erupt, like an emotionally
charged cussing volcano.

people think i'm happy this way.
i've just been burned one too many times.
i don't want to hurt anyone,
and i don't want to get hurt anymore.
so, i put myself in isolation.
my lonliness is self-inflicted
to protect myself from pain.

you'd think these realizations
would enable me to be a better person.
but my misery is self-inflicted.
logically, it all makes sense,
but the angsty teen in me refuses to believe
that love can end happily.

just once i'd like to break away
from my self-inflicted sadness.
and punish myself with some happiness.
but fear keeps a strict house
and i am her willing prisoner.
to be alone is to be calm.
to be calm is to find peace.
i need the peace to keep the pieces of
my shattered heart together.

Looking Back

looking back over the shoulder of time,
i remember when you were mine.
all the innocence in your kisses,
was all i needed to know i wanted to be your misses.

the marching band of time only moves forward,
we were silly to think we could keep our love as a reward.
years erased the taste of your tongue on mine,
but i still long for our last summer time.

memories run around the corridors of my mind,
your laughter, my tears, all of our fears on rewind.
we didn't know any better,
the folly of our youth made a good lifetime movie.

the parental units were wise,
they held back their discontented cries.
they let us burn out instead of fading away,
the only most passionate of loves end that way.

In The Dark

in the dark i sit to gather my thoughts.
what was today?
and what did it mean to me?
the aching shoulder
or the throbbing knee,
which one will be the death of me?

in the dark i lay waiting for sleep.
what will tomorrow bring?
and how will it impact me?
the pills taken
or the alcohol drank,
which one of these will be the end of me?

in the dark i fret about my life.
where am i going?
and when will i get there?
the mistakes i'm making
or the reckless actions i'm taking,
which one will be the destruction of me?

in the dark i hope for a better day.
why can't i get better?
and when will i get it right?
the men i've loved
or the loved ones i've lost,
which one will be what breaks me?

Memorial Day 2010

i read poems from time to time.
i like it when they rhyme.
i write poems sometimes
i try to make them rhyme.

there's a line i draw
between me and my heart.
you want to cross it.
i'm afraid that's not smart.

i like to watch from a distance.
i avoid up close and personal.
my mind outruns my wants.
these desire i have are impossible.

i limit my contact
so i don't get love sick.
i got innoculated
so your love won't stick.

i read poems sometimes.
i like that they aren't mine.
i write poems once in awhile.
i don't think they rhyme.

I Love...

i love a good song that speaks to my soul.
i love a cold dr. pepper on a hot day.
i love the smell of the air after a hard rain.
i love the feel of the heat of the dog when she's curled up on my lap.

i love a poem that captures a feeling of mine.
i love a movie that makes me laugh and cry.
i love drinking a cold glass of milk just before bed.
i love a sweet dream that lingers long after i've awoken.

i love a gloomy sky when it matches my mood.
i love the first snow flakes of winter's doom.
i love the softness of my daughter's hair.
i love laughing so hard i pee my pants.

i love the subtleness of your smile.
i love the way you drive me insane
i love the sound of your voice.
i love these days with you.

I fuck it up every time

could have loved ya better
could have held you longer
could have said i was sorry
yeah, i could have lied
but i fuck it up every time

i told you about him
and i did it mercilessly
my temper gets the best of me
but the moment you cried
those tears fell from your eyes
i saw what i could have done

could have held back
could have bit my tongue
could have walked away
yeah, i could have waited another day
but i fuck up every one i touch

i said the most hurtful words i know
spewing hate with every breath
i really let you see me at my worst
but the moment you threw your hands up
and your legs walked you out the door
i knew what i could have done

could have tried harder
could have been more sincere
could have apologized
but i can't because i'm full of fear
living my life with every thing
i could have done to keep you here
knowing i fucked it up for the last time with you.

control freak

let go, i dare you.
let someone else take control.
bite your lip;
hold your tongue;
learn to delegate once in awhile.

you complain of being tired.
you are sick of being worn out.
you bitch about being overworked,
but you do it to yourself.

you step right in and take over.
no one asked you too.
you lord over it like you own it.
then complain that no one stopped you.

you are like a tank.
you just run over every one.
i feel sorry for you.
sit back and just relax.
you work hard, yes.
but sometimes you need to let it go.

i got it.
i had it.
i was working on it.
but not up to your speed.
not under your thumb.
so you took it and ran.
now it's a bigger mess then it needs to be.

the control freak is running amok.
taking it all and throwing out nuts.
he can't step back and be objective.
he thinks he knows it all
and therefore must be in charge.

but i'm okay.
i can let it go.
i just hope you learn too
before your heart gives out on you.

My Mask

let me put on my mask.
the one to hide how i feel.
my eyes will not betray
the saddness i live everyday.

walk away, i don't want to talk.
i can't say what you want to hear.
i'm no superhero for you to worship.
my mask's only power is to disguise my pain.

take another shot, i can take it.
i play tough and i can fake my way through
any emotion you want me to have.
just don't ask me why.

this mask will only tell lies.
i'll say that i am happy.
i will tell you that i care.
but all i want is to disappear.

let me put on my mask.
the one i use to hide how i feel.
i'll stand up straight.
i'll look you in the eye;
as long as have my mask on i can lie, lie, lie.

i'm saving you so much trouble.
my locking away all my anger.
my drowning out my sorrows with loud
phoney laughter and painted on smiles.

there's no need for both of us to feel the anguish of
the unfulfilled dreams and broken hearts.
i never leave home without my mask on my face.

Dance in the Ashes of Me

it all comes rushing in on me
my insecurities, my self-hate,
i forget sometimes who i am,
but then the bad thoughts circle around again.
they're never far from the surface.
lying in wait for a second of quiet,
to pop any calm i've obtained.
and then they dance in my pain.

dance in my misery.
dance on the ruins of my dreams.
dance with disappointment.
dance around with glee
reveling in the ashes of me.

i hear strange voices over the air.
they say mean things to me.
enjoying the barbs and taunts,
my hope for a minute of peace
is shattered so i dance in my pain.

dance above my dashed hopes.
dance around my low self-esteem.
dance in the darkness of my soul.
dance around with glee.
dance in the ashes of me.

i've lost it.
there's too many people around me
to be cleaning out my closet.
i slam the door on the shadows,
pushing away recovery's hope,
jumping down the slippery slope.
and you jump up in glee,
because you can keep dancing in the ashes of me.

Lost to Me

i'm under constant surveillance.
that's not my paranoia speaking.
my sub-conscience is under duress.
it's so silent and peaceful
here in the darkness.

everything is out of control.
i make on list after another,
trying to put order to the chaos.
i'll never forget,
but i'm working on forgiveness.

i've been asking my mind to show
my heart some mercy.
i fear a mysterious death at the hands
of an unknown foe.
and all that'll be left behind by me,
will not be worth remembering.

my introspection came up empty.
my conscious unable to fill the smallest measuring cup.
my past is a compilation of confabulations
with nothing real to cling to
i fall further into dispair.

i'd build a mountain to climb
to prove i'm still alive, but
every night i put my dreams on rewind.
i disconnect from the disappointment of my reality.
i indulge in the delusion of happiness in my dreams.

my sickness masks my creator.
i have my own will and cannot submit to another.
i'm inauthentic in my thoughts,
arranging them to expedite my trip
through this finite and painful existence.
i fret my psychosis is all in my head.

the words won't come to me anymore.
i search the corners of my soul
for the inspiration i once knew,
but all is gone, lost to the holes
in my brain, lost to time, lost to me.

Cookie Cutter Girls

i'm looking back at who you say you are.
i see a long line of cookie gutter girls dangling from your arm.
you put their paper hearts up on your wall,
like a serial killer collecting trophies you've claimed their souls.
this half-hearted attempt at trying to win me over,
is exposing the emptiness inside of you.

you talk about how beautiful i am.
the way you love how the light in my eyes dances when i laugh.
you make hundreds of impossible promises,
like the words can't catch up to your lies.
it's not alright, the way you play with others scars.

your tearing all the ice off of my skin,
like you know how to make me remember what it's like to be alive again.
you missed my queues on how cold i really am.
you aren't going to be collecting kisses from my lips.
my soul is a ghost counting down the time,
until i get to leave all of this behind.

you talk about how perfect i am.
the way you love how my lips curve when i smile.
you make hundreds of impossible promises,
like the world can't catch you in any of your lies.
i won't let you snare me in your butterfly net.
it's not alright, the way you toy with others hearts.

come on, who are we kidding?
you don't really want me.
you want to pin my paper heart up on your wall.
but i'm so broken apart i keep the leftover pieces of me in a jar.
and you can't put me back together again.
remember, neither one of us is capable of love.
we both run around playing catch me if you can.
it's not alright, how we tease with others thoughts.

To Death

i'm bleeding to death from this hole in my heart.
i've hidden for so long behind being smart.
that when you dug into me, i didn't know how to start.
all my hurt poured out from my soul;
the flash flood of feelings swept you away
and i'm free but alone.

you shouldn't have asked me who i was,
if you didn't want to hear my answer.
you set out trying to conquer my mountain of emotional baggage,
but you ran away when you got near the top.
i'm not sure which of us is more full of fear.

this is a strange new place for me.
the talking and crying and opening myself up to you.
i even shut down when i went to therapy.
my walls have been built too high for anyone to climb over,
but you just blew them up from the bottom.
i didn't know i still had a soul.

i've been pouring holy water onto my battered belief system.
trying to heal scar tissue of old wounds.
i am held together by band aids, duct tape, staples and string.
there are little perfect patches of me tucked away from view.
i've unwrapped those tid bits of me to feed them to you,
but you just spit them back out to me because i don't taste
the way you thought i'd be.

i've become obsessed with what you mean to me.
you're my future, a family, a forturne in unrealized dreams.
i hang my whole world on your every action.
you think you know how to handle my affections,
like a hot potato, you never hold on long enough to get burned.
you tossed me off and moved on to the next conquest.
i have to laugh. my love for you set my heart free,
but now that same love is a prison for me.

no longer am i an open book for you to read at your leisure.
i am wrapped back up away from your selfish pleasures.
i face what remains of my corporeal existence in the absence of your love.
i embrace my ture home.
i suffer in the familiar comfort of silence.
my soul reclines next to my battered heart.
they could use a long break, loving you has been exhausting.
thank you for leaving me before i could love us both to death.

Edge of Thought

i think it is time to stop the lie.
i have you on the edge of my thoughts.
i want to push you off and move forward.
but my heart keeps you coming around.
i can't kill your memory and i want to think,
but all i do is feel.

and if i'm feeling then i'm not thinking.
i'm not being who i want, when your image
holds me down. i want to push you out of my mind.
but you stay on the edge, the edge of every thought,
is your lips on mine. i can't keep living like this.

it is time to toss you out.
rip up the pictures along with my soul.
scatter the pieces of happy along the road,
burning my love down until the embers don't glow.
i can't escape the bad and i can't remember the good.
so all i do is feel sad.

and if i'm feeling then i'm not thinking.
i'm not free to be with someone else,
if you are walking around my head.
your words keeping popping up and
i want to shove you off the ledge, but
you linger on along the edge of my thoughts.

i don't deserve the wounds you gave me.
i keep picking at the scabs,
opening them up again and again.
the blood won't wash from my hands.
the damage is unending, the thoughts won't leave me.
you took what you could carry,
including all that was good in me.
i loved you so hard i emptied my heart out.
why can't i kill these feelings for you?

and if i'm feeling then i'm not thinking.
no, i'm not thinking clearly.
i'm trapped by you and no matter how much
i suppress you, you stay right there on
the edge of my every thought.
it's almost enough to make me jump.

My Bed - A Love Story

this existence is wearing thin.
my hopes left me long ago.
every sun is swallowed by a dark cloud.
i've been dancing on my own grave.
i've been wishing on a blackhole for a reason,
some glimmer of a future, to not let go.

i embrace my sickness and its cold kiss.
it's the excuse i need to stay in bed all day.
bring on the pain, i need it to remind to breathe.
my skin is paper thin, the wind could do me in.
so i'll stay buried alive under the covers,
my favorite place in the world is my bed.

don't come any closer.
i won't listen to you.
nothing is everything for me.
i fed-ex'd my fears to dr. phil.
when i'm wrapped up in blankets,
when i lay my soul to rest,
that's when i'm truly blessed.

i put on white clothes,
but stains quickly turn them impure.
i decided to live when i sleep.
i'll eat what i want in my dreams.
the only lover i crave,
lulls me to sleep.

i have everything in arms reach.
cell phone, remote, water and music
a few steps to the bathroom
and when then i can be back in bed.
lazy i love.
crazy i am.
but dammit i love my bed!!!!

Hair

I sit here staring at the ground.
My hair hangs around my face.
My hair doesn't seem my own.
I tug on it and my body feels pain,
confirming that this hair is mine.
The same hair I see everyday in the mirror,
but the mirror lies to me.

Like the reverse of a harvest moon,
I see too little when I look in the mirror.
But as Uncle Jerry said, "God, You've gotten huge!"
These eyes of mine deceive me.
I feel as if I am the shadow of my former self.
I am projecting that image onto the mirror.
I've finally perfected my hair,
but the rest of me is in disrepair.

Happiness is advertised as the public's reflection of everyone else's opinion.
Aspiring to minimize your size and maximize your best features.
I have fallen into a state of denial.
I'm rejecting anything that threatens to polish me.
I see myself through hair covered eyes.
I am leaving societal conventions shattered on the ground,
in the reflection of the scattered shards of my broken mirror.
Egressing back to happier food filled days,
asking no question of why I am this way.
I'm vexing my own weaknesses until
I end on a note of uncomfortable acceptance I cease to care.

Secrets

i hold onto my little piece of information,
i bury it deep inside of my brain.
i can't risk it being said,
lives shatter when secrets are whispered in the wind.

you have no faith in the system.
you want to be free of the burden,
but you can't risk your freedom.
people leave you when secrets get exposed.

he tied a pretty bow around the truth.
he wanted to impress you with his sincerity.
he was minimizing the risk to his reputation,
but people talk when secrets get heard.

i opened my mouth; my lips parted.
the words flew out like a baby bird's first flight,
they plummeted towards the ground,
fluttering like crazy to fly,
but no matter how much you try
secrets tear down and destroy.
like a cat lying in wait to bounce,
your secrets have been served.

i bury the urge to speak.
i will not allow my conscience to leak.
i know the loss is too great.
my life would disappear because my secret repels.

trust is an illusion maintained when secrets keep
the harder you hid them the easier it gets
to tell the lies to keep what you have
secrets cannot escape my totalitarian control

truth is an overrated commodity
you can't appreciate what you've never had
to thrust a secret into someone's world
is like pushing a dagger deep into their chest.

forgiveness is merely a Van Gogh
discussed, analyzed, appreciated and highly valued
but rare and expensive to aquire
something you aspire to attain but die unfulfilled

i have thought about this secret for years
it haunts me day and night
it shadows every laugh and every smile
my secret makes me proceed with caution

i have a secret and i'm going to keep it
but it'll be easier once i'm dead
the secrets disappear with your breath
there will truly be heaven for me in death.

Inspired

I am sad.
The light burns too bright for me.
The birds sing too loudly for me.
My heart beats too strongly for me.
I run and hide.
I try to hide from the world.
I am sad.

I am glad.
The rain is pouring down on me.
The tears are flowing from my eyes freely.
My soul is searing in glorious pain.
I am feeling.
I try to embrace the emotional tidal wave.
I am glad.

I am mad.
The man is telling lies to me.
The fool inside wants me to believe.
My mind yells he's playing a trick on me.
I am screaming.
I tried to avoid this moment for weeks.
I am mad.

Inspired in a spiral of see-sawing emotional diseasters.
I am every emotion.
I am no emotions.
I am sad.
I am glad.
I am mad.
This up has no down, but to turn my life around.
Inspired I spiral out of control dancing with my remote control.

No Pressure

the deadline is approaching, the system is exploding.
there is no way you can meet the demands.
just watch as your waistline expands.
you hear the blah, blah, blah
come out the technical mouths attached to the logical heads
you see your hands fly across the keyboard to their commands.
there's no pressure, no pressure at all.
there's no pressure, no pressure at all.

the bills are due tomorrow and the cash is running out.
you just got paid but the bank account is negative.
the juggling act just isn't cutting it
all you have is never enough
but there's no pressure, no pressure at all.
there's no pressure, no pressure at all.

the doctor won't see you without your copay
the prescriptions can't be filled unless you pay
how can i feel any better if i can't take my pills
all this pressure that doesn't exist is killing me here.
but it's all in my head, this pressure i feel.
sinus' are causing the brain to swell, there's no anxiety
just an infection that i can't afford to get healed.
there's no pressure, no pressure at all
there's no pressure, nope, no pressure at all.

The Days I Waste

There are days where time moves so slowly I feel every second in a minute pass by.
If that is boredom, then I know it well.
The hours I've wasted staring up at the sky,
With my mind creating images and patterns where none exist.
The mind is an ego-centric being trying to impress
Upon the clouds its own designs.

I hear in the distance a dog barking and a bird singing.
I feel the sun warming my flesh.
I see the periwinkle sky dotted with the white wisps of clouds.
Yet I am thinking about the nothingness of it all.
The hollowness that is inside my soul processes no emotions.

I only know the world by its cold aethestics.
The subtle tones and varying shades of humanity are lost to me.
Another hour today is no different then an hour tomorrow.
I've burned out my emotional retinas.
My perception is tainted with the bitterness of heartbreak.

Rest In Peace - The United States of America

The oil is clogging up the sea.
The fish and sea critters have nowhere to go to be free.
The blackness covers them in darkness.
Every breathe brings them closer to death.
And the news says people are suffering.
They need the sea to eat.

The company tries to dodge the bullets of blame
Being shot from every direction.
They deflect the questions.
They use deception to alter perceptions.
They hope they can be pulled out of the slick,
And reaim the fire plume towards a scapegoat;
All to save a buck or two.

There's a slippery slope that we are sliding down.
Lies are being told as truth.
No one speaks with honesty.
Integrity is just another word in the dictionary.

We all have the programming to be better and
Thereby build a better world.
But only the fools pass into the offices.
Where the ghosts' of their consciences haunt them;
While they make their greedy demands.
Their little crickets have long been dead.
And only the words they say change to appease the wind of public opinion.

Power and money is the reason they run around
Like monkey's squeezed into hamster wheels.
Fear drives them to harden their hearts.
They amass their fortunes and sit atop their pyramids;
With the giant eye watching out for anyone who tries to
Take a bite out of their apple pie.

The oil spill is a symptom of a much deadlier disease.
We are electing our own demise.
I say let's start over.
Pack them up, Clean all the white houses on those hills out.
But I know change is an illusion.

To even want to be a politician,
Selfishness is the main requirement.
Love thyself leads the charge.
So don't be surprised to see more
More spills, diseasters, cover ups,
More busted budgets, broken promises, lost jobs,
More deserted houses, lies and foreclosed American dreams.

The skeleton of the constitution sits behind bullet proof glass,
Meaning nothing more then a history lesson that kids don't even want to learn.
No longer is it securing "Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our posterity"
Rest in Peace - The United States of America.

Out of Tune

You realize your heart and life have gotten out of tune.
You sit down to figure out what to do,
Where you are going,
And where you want to be.
How to find the path to set you free.
It's not as easy as it seems.
A whole lifetime could pass you by,
Before you see you aren't where you thought you'd be.

And that's when you declare,
I got to do it my way!
No more short cuts or compromises.
My way's got to find it.
You rearrange and make changes until you got it.
Doing what you should be and doing it your way.

You drive down the highway talking to yourself.
It's all so clear when you are by yourself.
But along comes the day and yourself gets lost.
You're too busy to apply all those ideas inside your mind.
You tell yourself there'll be time someday,
but you're kidding yourself

And one day it won't be enough
to declare enough is enough
it's got to be my way or no way
because the only way left is the light above your head.

God has Me on Mute

The TV ain't gonna save me and God has me on mute!
This road I've been driving on washed out right in front of me.
I can't see where to go. I have no GPS to know the way.
This world has me confused, but that's not hard to do.

I want a little piece of peace inside my mind.
I want a little bite of love inside my heart.
I want a little bit of happiness inside my soul.
What's it to want a little up when all I feel is down?

Bring me peace.
Bring me love.
Bring me happiness.
Bring me a reason to stay.

The dog really isn't God and I can't buy a cure when my money is all gone.
I tried to fly but I never left the ground.
When I ran I tripped. I drowned on my own blood.
I've gotten confused, but that's not hard to do.

Monochrome

I am monochromatic today.
From my boots to my roots,
I am a variety of beige.
My flesh and my underthings
All play off the same color today.

From sober and heavy,
To Light and airy,
Beige blends and transcends,
I'm draped in a monochromatic blend.
Sepia tones address
My blandest mood depresses.

The sky is dark.
The rain is clear.
And I am 10 types of brown.
From the bark of the trees
To the ground,
I've honed into this frequency
of a polychrome delinquency.

I am monochromatic today.
Hear my monotone voice.
Feel the calm of the dull.
Embrace the fawn inside.
And let your inner taupe define
Another boring day on the outside.

Gory Thoughts

I share my gory thoughts in muted shades of somber tones,
then giggle and smile, so they can't guess if I was really upset.
If they only knew how disturbed this girl gets.
I'm haunted by regrets.
The mistakes I make linger for years.
If you knew all about my tears would you want to save me?
Or hold me? Or give me your sympathy?
Or would you just stare; feeling weird;
Caught off guard because I showed you my deeper self?
I think you would do the latter because this is a superficial world.

I take pen to paper and let my feelings unfold.
This is my release. The cheapest of all therapies.
I bury the hurt. I kill the anger. I lighten my saddness.
Just to get by one more day. I have to survive.
When I get overwhelmed, I put the helm on auto-pilot.
I pull myself back into my shell. I've got my own personal hell.
It's backed by insults and disappointments, criticism and stoism too.
The fiery furnace of despair burns up my soul leaving me empty and barren.

Sometimes I don't feel anything anymore.
My empathy has gotten broken. I have to fake responses, like crying when someone dies. When I don't really care. My emotions have used up all their tokens.
I scare myself even when I realize how cold I am.
I'll never fall in love again. I'm like a robot going through the motions.
I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of the ocean. This isolation feels so real.
My head has conjured a vision of aloneness to keep me sane.
I know I've lost the game. The rules I've broken have broken me.
My heart's empty. I have no more passion to give. I wonder why I still live.

Lies surround me.
My walls of defense hold me up so when the urge to give up overcomes me;
my daughter's love will enfold me. It warms me up just enough to try another day.
If it wasn't for her I'd be already in the grave. Ashes and dust. Rotting flesh.
My child's hope, her faith, her needs eclipse my own lack of emotion.
She is my antidote to all the bad inside my head. She's my everything.

The Failure of Living

if someone has lower self-esteem then i do
and hates themselves as much as i do
when i'm lost in my deepest moments
of self-reflection then they probably aren't alive.

why does God hate me? i have failed at being a human being.
why do I hate myself? i am a failure at living.

i stare. nothing appeases me.
i glare. nothing looks good to me.
my eyes want to jump out of my skull
and find another face to look at every day in the mirror.
i squint. nothing escapes me.
i catalog every facial deformity.

why does God hate me? he made me so ugly.
why do you hate me? i am a failure at loving you.

eclipse. darkness and shadows are my friend.
lack of lighting, angles, and photoshop
help me pretend that even i can be pretty.
nip that. tuck this. suck some fat out.
and let the bruises fade until i have a better face then this.

why does God hate me? can i hate him back?
why do I have me? Can I ever love myself the way I am?