Confession

it's time for my confession.
forgive me father for i have sinned.
now, i'm not a catholic,
but i still believe.
even when life sucks i have faith.
faith, that someday there will be a better day.

i'm not perfect.
i follow my heart to the point
where it damages my soul.
i think too much
and i feel even more.

i allow doubt to take over
and i take his name in vain.
i say Jesus in hushed tones,
for no reason,
i don't know if he's the answer to everything.

i get upset when people refuse to make a decision,
because their prayers have not been answered.
Ain't nothing wrong with praying,
but i was taught God's a guiding star
and not a work horse.

if you're disappointed in me,
i don't think hail Mary's will fix it.
and which bible is truly God's word?
which translation is without flaw?

i am full of repentance,
but i repeat my mistakes.
so i believe i remain unforgiven,
until the lesson finally takes.
my heart wishes more then it should.

i've fornicated outside of marriage.
i enjoy the company of men.
i gave birth before i was wed,
but i don't think i'm damned.
it's merely an incomplete portrait of the woman i am.
I hope God understands, one day, i'll figure it out.

i confess i'm not perfect,
but i hope you get that.
i love you.
i believe one day, i'll forgive me.
and God and I will be able to agree,
that i am good enough for him.

No Room

a little effort goes a long way.
i don't see you trying to mend your ways.
you build up hopes on false pretenses.
i got caught up in a future that will never exist.
maybe it's time to give up.

throw my hands in the air.
i surrender, my dear.
you have what you need.
there's no room for me.
i'm taking what's left of my heart
and making a new start.

a little contrition would be appreciated.
i don't understand how you sleep at night.
i have some forgiveness left,
but i don't think you've earned it yet.
maybe it's time to quit.

throw your pictures in the trash.
i'm going to let you crash.
you have your routine.
there's no room in it for me.
i'm taking what's left of my pride
and i'm finding another ride.

Jigsaw

the red upon the wall.
the blue shifting across the skies.
the thoughts crawling in my mind.
the feelings rushing up my spine.
the music driving my hands.
i'm a piece to a puzzle.
no one knows how i go together.

those words i utter make them gape and stare.
such a sweet girl.
so lost.
so confused.
every time they say it i laugh until i cry.
this myth that proceeds me turns on others sympathy.

people around me lay it out thick as molasses.
our society loves the tragic stories.
the community needs a rally
and i'm the cause of the day.
a precious soul that needs to be saved.
so grab a ribbon, it's a parade!
i smile big for the camera,
so every one can get a perfect picture.

they'll beg and cry for someone to tell them my secrets.
but i never told a soul.
i held on to myself and performed so many other roles.
no one knows.
i walked until i wore out the sole of my shoes.
i abandoned all of them,
but they were smothering me.

now their fear is at it's worst.
the concern for me overwhelming them.
i went and lost myself for real this time.
but now i have to play another role
to justify my abandonment of them.
i'll shift the blame away from me,
but no one believes me.
and for the first time i fall on my face.
an utter disgrace.

they have to admit they are sick of my games.
they'll have to admit me,
but they need to convince me.
i was never an angel,
but to them i have fallen out of the sky.
their pain is real, but i still don't think i have to explain why.

Bugs

driving down this endless road,
my hand out the window,
trying to catch the wind.
the bugs sting my palm as their
guts stain my hand red.
i try to focus on the lights ahead,
but the darkness swallows them one by one.

i keep running.
i don't know why.
i'm not searching for anything,
because i know there's nothing to find.
i think as little as possible.
i'll stop running when my pain ends.
but i don't know when that'll be.

i keep my head down as the strangers walk past.
my eyes have secrets and
i keep my secrets to myself.
i'd seek forgiveness for my sins
if i thought my soul was worth it.

i keep running.
i never get tired of the path.
i circle around when i get to a dead end.
i know my running will never end.
i can't out run this pain i'm in.

if i dare to remember the pain rips me in half.
there's too many emotional bombs set to go off in my past.
relflection gets me nothing but misery.
i'm neck deep in fake sympathy.
no one understands, so i keep running.
until one day i pray my pain will end.

Mirror, Mirror on the Ceiling

Mirror, Mirror on my ceiling, how should I be feeling?
is it hatred?
is it disgust?
is it fear?
have i been busted?
Mirror, Mirror on my ceiling, how should I be feeling?

i want to know where this road goes.
i need an answer for the questions haunting my soul.
doubt swirls in my heart.
i hate myself.
i confess, i hate myself.
what's next?

i love me.
i am pretty.
i keep telling myself these lies.
but the truth screams at me day and night.
hope is drowned out.
i buy the books.
i watch the shows.
i take the happy pills.
i'm still broken.
fix me.

Mirror, Mirror on my ceiling, what should i be feeling?
is it despair?
is it grief?
is it confusion?
have i been abandoned?
Mirror, Mirror on my ceiling, what should i be feeling?

Good Mood

despite a bittersweet birthday i'm in a good mood.
i feel like the dark clouds have parted
and i can see the sun again.
i got everything i physically need
and even though i miss my mom;
i feel as if she's watching over me from the great beyond.

it's rare for me to be truly happy.
content and optimistic aren't normal for me,
but today i'm blessed.
a good mood has set in
and even the approaching dental appointment
can't damper my happy go lucky spirit.

welcome sunshine and sixty degree weather.
bring on singing birds,
budding flowers and trees,
my allergy and sinus sneezes please.
it's all a wonderful package.
the good, the bad.
the happy, the sad.
today i'm so jazzed.
nothing can take away the good mood i'm in today!

Fades Out

love is a miracle.
fold it up like a paper airplane,
throw it into the air to see how far it flies,
but eventually it'll fall out of the sky.

no on can keep the spark alive forever.
love is like the tide, it ebbs and flows.
everyone want to keep the magic in endless supply,
but nobody knows how.
so time kills more then just your body,
it takes a toll on your love.
the heartstrings get out of tune,
and your love song fades out into oblivion.

Center of Gravity

i'm trying to find a rhyme
for all these thoughts
running through my mind.
i can't quit.
i can't stop.
even though i feel like i've been run over by a truck.

i'm unbalanced,
trying to capture some levity,
taking apart my center of gravity.
i won't give up.
i won't lose it.
even though i have no friends.

i'm alone on a day of love,
no one to hold,
just like so many years ago.
i can't lie.
i can't cry.
even though i'd like to try.

please help me find my center of gravity.
i'm falling apart,
falling down, losing heart.

Fear Floats

i fill up on excuses.
my heart contracts.
the piano melody dances.
all the pieces never fit.
i wrote down the lies.
my breathe lingers.
the dryer vibrates.
all my questions unanswered.

fear floats and spreads like disease.
i held you as tight at i could,
but you slipped through me.
i wanted to be your last stop on a long train of pain.

i tabulate the denials.
my ears heard.
the tv colors flash.
all the problems unsolved.
i dine on the promises.
my stomach churns.
the darkness blankets me.
all my hopes unfulfilled.

doubt sinks and drowns dreams.
i gave you every part of me,
but you returned my gifts unopened.
i thought i'd be the last one you'd need to love.

At My Door

you never bought me flowers.
you seldom call first.
i never complained about doing all the work.
because i thought you were worth it.

you never lied to me.
you told me exactly how you felt.
i never spoke up about how you misjudged me.
because i thought time would reveal the truth.

you laid down all the rules.
you made all the decisions.
i never objected about what i thought was your short sightedness.
because i thought it was obvious.

you never indulged my fears.
you never babied me.
i never asked you about why it had to be now.
because your leaving hurts.

you are the strong minded one.
you are the one whose miserable.
i never questioned you about your complex methods.
because i hoped you end up at my door.

Lopsided

it was always a lopsided affair with you.
i was further along with you in my head and in my heart.
you never caught up to me,
you merely caught on to me.
and you burnt my house of delusions down.

you are dancing around with a pack of clowns.
my nightmares run on repeat.
i wish i could say this place is new,
but i've been here before.
all the old strangers are new friends.
nothing unites like the experience of a broken heart.

it's not like you didn't warn me.
you told me loving you was futile,
but i had hoped to out wait your defenses.
you were never fooled.
you learned quickly how i am.
i can no longer surprise you,
so you cancelled my harlequinn subscription.

you are laughing at my naked self.
my nightmares only grow worse.
i wish the weirdness was new,
but i've felt like this before.
all the old faces are blurred.
nothing wipes a slate clean like a freshly broken heart.

How do you do!

my name is shannon.
how do you do.
i'm horribly blue.
i had a man who wasn't true.
he left me broken into bits unlike you.

he wrapped me around his penis.
stripped away all of my good senses.
i couldn't see the ledge i was on until i fell into pieces.

i like to say i was shocked,
but i knew he'd knock me out of his park.
his mind spins count clockwise to mine.
he wouldn't agree to be my valentine.

love is like a jack in the box.
you can try to anticipate it,
but you still jump when it pops up.

i thought i had a handle on him.
my feelings sucker punched me.
out of thin air i fell in love with him.

how do you do.
i'm the fool that fell for a tin man
and i don't own an oil can.

Almost Right

it was almost right.
we had a shot,
but you shut us down.
you're the man i wanted,
but i'm not the woman you needed.

it's not right,
and it's not fair.
why can't i be the one you hold onto tight?
i'd love you for the rest of my life.

it was almost right.
i saw through your flaws
to a man i could love forever.
i don't know what to do.
you made your decision with cruel precision.

it's not good,
and it's not fun.
breaking hearts and crushing spirits on the run.
why couldn't i be the one you kiss goodnight?
i miss all your oddities.

it was almost right.
we almost belonged,
but now you've gone.
and i'm almost done crying.

Gluttony

i am sick from my own gluttony.
unable to control my urges,
i stuff my face complusively.
hating myself with every bite i chew.
the revolution comes undone,
by my own mouth, i am hung.

sickened physically from my heavy fat.
imprisoned by my lack of control.
this won't be the last time i quit.
not even one month into it.
i wish i could say i'm surprised,
but that would just be another lie.

do i pull the plug completely?
or do i suck it up and try again?
i think i can one minute,
then i see a cheeseburger ad
and think i can't.
i'm a slave to my desires,
but i'm never satisfied.

gluttony sweeps me up in it's sweet tastes.
i'm always alone but never free.
i've fallen victim to artificial needs.
if only i could quit food,
but i love to eat.
and i'm starting to think i love it more then breathing.
what's a fat girl to do,
when even writing about food makes her hunger?

A Bunch of Words

uninspired
depressed
worthless
feelings as words collapse me inward

doubts
fears
disappointments
all that i have makes me see what i lack

i'm caught up in a game i don't know how to win
i twisted my arm, but i can't forgive
i have two left shoes on
that's the way love dresses me

cold
gray
windy
mother nature matches my mood

slippery
icy
steep
i'm sick of falling down the slopes i'm on

i'm overwhelmed to the point of implosion
i want to runaway to find some sun
the car is out of gas
i guess i'm stuck here in my best dress

nothing
empty
closed
it all adds up to a negative

denial
broken
shattered
i can't make sense of this

i'm not looking for a ten
i thought for once i got lucky
but this is just a bunch of words
that never add up to a life that's worthy

Dead Inside

i'm dead inside.
no where to run or hide.
got nothing going on.
nobody to see or be.
just the deadness of the night
laid out in front of me.

we're all dead inside.
lock the doors.
clear your head.
lie down in your bed.
there's no point
because we're all dead inside.

we try to fill ourselves up
with what we buy.
we take time and
serve it up like pieces of a pie.
never full and never alive,
because we're all dead inside.

i'm dead inside.
got nothing to do but cry.
done telling myself lies.
the emptiness is mine.
just the deadness of my soul
swallowing me whole.
i'm dead inside.

Dead Horse

i got another call from you.
i didn't say much.
i didn't listen either.
you've said it all before.
there's no point in beating my dead horse.

it's akward and it'll stay that way.
i'm not being difficult.
it's the way i feel.
i can't change my emotions on a dime.
i can't turn my love off then on like a light switch.
the only cure here is time.

you keep reaching out to me.
i deleted your number off of my phone.
i'm not bitter,
but depression is now my home.
your voice is painful to me
and it used to brighten my day.

if i spoke up you'd say i'm petty
funny, you never could tell me i was pretty.
criticism was always easier for you,
but i'm no longer a volunteer.
i have to disengage myself from you
or be drowned to death from my pain.

next time you call i won't pick up.
i know you'll think i suck.
i was never good at driving in reverse.
so in theory, yes, i'm your friend,
but i think it's time i bury this dead horse.

Outside My Door

i can't pretend you're coming back to me.
all i fantasized about was you loving me.
obsession is a passionless lover.
bitterness is a faithful companion.
you tell me we're still friends,
but that's not good enough in the end.

i know enough to know myself.
i'll have to fight the urge to call.
suppress my need to email.
avoid facebook so i won't like you anymore.
it's so easy to reach out to you,
but you don't want me to!

i am trying to direct myself to another direction,
but i keep circling back around to you.
yeah, it was great while it lasted.
maybe my age makes me desparate,
but men just don't line up outside my door.
i had hoped you would be the last one,
but, alas, i was mistaken.

Wondering Why

Take away the sun.
Turn all the lights off.
Let the darkness come in
And shut off all the noises.
As you sit in the silence,
Maybe a thought or two will come to you.
And maybe somewhere in them, I'll be there with you.

But, I am left wondering why.
I don't know how I could've loved you better.
I don't know how I could've been a better friend.
Somtimes there's no answers in the answers you get,
But I only hope, that you think about me sometimes.

Hold back on tomorrow.
Hesitate before you go.
Please look back over your shoulder,
Because I'm feeling like I meant nothing to you.
Maybe if you could reach out to me.
And maybe help me understand you better.

But I am left wondering why.
I don't think I'd do anything different.
I don't know if I should've lied.
Sometimes there's no reason in the reasons you're given,
But I only hope, I'm in the back of your mind.

I only hope you're wondering why sometimes.
I only hope I cross your mind like you're crossing mine.

The Dog Again (Sophie the Puggle)

I'm talking to the dog again.
Her brown eyes don't comprehend the pain I'm in.
But her attention soothes me,
And for one second the silence doesn't deafen me.

I get a little good news,
but 3 calls later it's back to bad.
I can't get ahead.
All my frugality can't afford what Murphy's Law brings to me.

I'm yelling at the dog again.
Her head tilts left then right.
She knows it's nothing she did.
But she licks my tears away still,
And for one second I feel something other then my broken heart.

I think I'm moving forward,
But I discover I'm behind.
Nothing catches me up.
All my planning can't account for one man's change of heart.

I'm petting the dog again.
It's simple enough that she understands,
She is wanted and she is loved!
And for one second I have forgotten his name!

Cerulean Blue

the cerulean blue of your eyes is haunting my dreams at night.
i had replaced your image with another for a little while,
but i had a feeling that you'd be back again.

ever since you said hi to me, you've been as tempting as a piece of pie.
that one crisp cool october tuesday changed everything.
i tried to supress the chemical reaction you stirred up in me,
but over one year later your on my mind more then chocolate.

the winter's cerulean blue sky reminds me of the twinkle in your eyes.
the deep timber of your baltimore accented voice can say anything amazingly.
such a melodious sound, it brings goose bumps to my flesh.
your laughter and smile draw me into you and
i never want to leave your presence.

you're still a mystery to me.
am i another conversion project for you?
you're a tease in a hooded sweatshirt and jeans.
i love your hair short and goatee.

i want to grab you, pull you close, and kiss you.
but fear of rejection keeps my hands by my side.
this unrequited desire has me tied up in a mess.
my hot flashes only happen when you are near to me.

i'd love to lay with you on cerulean blue satin sheets.
i'd explore every inch of your glorious taunt flesh.
i know you're younger, but it doesn't factor.
you're old enough to have known how to please a woman.

i got caught up on the differences at first.
i was projecting my insecurities onto you.
when you've done everything right i still hesitated.
but now i'm ready to let all that go.

i'd go through child birth for you again.
just whisper to me what you want.
i can't wait to see the surprise in you cerulean blue eyes,
when i finally admit you're the one i need to complete me!

Run From Me

just had you on my mind
obession's bad for my kind
happiness escapes me every time
no one knows misery better then me

please understand me
help is beyond my reach
i will ride you until you have nothing more to teach
love is a tricky game
life always changes the rules unexpectedly
i never meant to confuse you
perhaps it's best you run from me

people ignore all the signs
attempting to be my friend
results are destruction in the end
leaving right now would be good
endings have never been my forte
time gets away from me
tomorrow i'll change my mind anyway

Almost Sunshine

one day far away from here,
a daughter was born.
she had golden bouncy curls
and an early smile that outshown the sun.
her mother wanted to name her Sunshine,
but it wasn't to be.

Almost sunshine for her.
i feel so ordinary.
i wish i could've been sunshine for you.

one day last week,
the weary soul of that girl
cried all night long.
as she slowly slips into another depression,
she ponders what life would've been like
had she been a sunshine.

almost sunshine on a tuesday afternoon.
i feel so plain.
i wish i could've been sunshine for me.

there's no hope under an eclipsed sun.
i feel defeated even in my dreams.
i'm just spinning in darkness.
i'm being smothered by fear,
wishing i was a sunshine for real.

Hold on to Me

hold on to me i never leave.
under every cell i exist.
with every breath i am yours.
you are precious to me.
without your belief i cease.

hold on to me so i can lift you up.
your fears will have no home.
you'll feel my warmth
and you'll know i'm there.
no darkness can destroy my light.

hold on to me to save your soul.
cling to my words for freedom.
hear my spirit's call
your faith will grow strong.
all your wrongs will fade.

hold on to me my blessed child.
no promises will be broken.
i love you even when you don't love yourself.
know the power of my redemption.
cleanse yourself of your sins.

hold on to me through the doubts.
the moments of confusion will pass.
focus on my healing son.
he'll bring you to me on the wing's of a prayer.
never lose faith in me, for i never lose my faith in you.

Eeyore and I

Staring out the window wondering how i'm gonna let you go.
I watch the wind blowing the empty trees.
I notice the similarities.
Life lives in forward motion only,
but I breathe on empty.

The winter's cold curls up in my soul.
The blank slate of whiteness turns my heart old.
I sit under blankets with the heat cranked on high,
but warmth escapes me.

I'm lost and confused.
Tomorrows are blurry.
You difused all my worries.
Now I'm wrapped up tightly inside my fears.
My courage fled when you disappeared.

I want to defy my nature,
but Eeyore and I revel in melancholy together.
You never lied to me.
My heart fed the delusions.
I asked you to let me have them,
but time runs out on everything.

Smiling, fleeting at silly puppies.
I'm trying to recover a little bit of me.
I sense the journey will be long,
but you made your executive decision.
You chose to live your life without me,
and I have to find a way to move on.