Fear Floats

i fill up on excuses.
my heart contracts.
the piano melody dances.
all the pieces never fit.
i wrote down the lies.
my breathe lingers.
the dryer vibrates.
all my questions unanswered.

fear floats and spreads like disease.
i held you as tight at i could,
but you slipped through me.
i wanted to be your last stop on a long train of pain.

i tabulate the denials.
my ears heard.
the tv colors flash.
all the problems unsolved.
i dine on the promises.
my stomach churns.
the darkness blankets me.
all my hopes unfulfilled.

doubt sinks and drowns dreams.
i gave you every part of me,
but you returned my gifts unopened.
i thought i'd be the last one you'd need to love.

At My Door

you never bought me flowers.
you seldom call first.
i never complained about doing all the work.
because i thought you were worth it.

you never lied to me.
you told me exactly how you felt.
i never spoke up about how you misjudged me.
because i thought time would reveal the truth.

you laid down all the rules.
you made all the decisions.
i never objected about what i thought was your short sightedness.
because i thought it was obvious.

you never indulged my fears.
you never babied me.
i never asked you about why it had to be now.
because your leaving hurts.

you are the strong minded one.
you are the one whose miserable.
i never questioned you about your complex methods.
because i hoped you end up at my door.

Lopsided

it was always a lopsided affair with you.
i was further along with you in my head and in my heart.
you never caught up to me,
you merely caught on to me.
and you burnt my house of delusions down.

you are dancing around with a pack of clowns.
my nightmares run on repeat.
i wish i could say this place is new,
but i've been here before.
all the old strangers are new friends.
nothing unites like the experience of a broken heart.

it's not like you didn't warn me.
you told me loving you was futile,
but i had hoped to out wait your defenses.
you were never fooled.
you learned quickly how i am.
i can no longer surprise you,
so you cancelled my harlequinn subscription.

you are laughing at my naked self.
my nightmares only grow worse.
i wish the weirdness was new,
but i've felt like this before.
all the old faces are blurred.
nothing wipes a slate clean like a freshly broken heart.

How do you do!

my name is shannon.
how do you do.
i'm horribly blue.
i had a man who wasn't true.
he left me broken into bits unlike you.

he wrapped me around his penis.
stripped away all of my good senses.
i couldn't see the ledge i was on until i fell into pieces.

i like to say i was shocked,
but i knew he'd knock me out of his park.
his mind spins count clockwise to mine.
he wouldn't agree to be my valentine.

love is like a jack in the box.
you can try to anticipate it,
but you still jump when it pops up.

i thought i had a handle on him.
my feelings sucker punched me.
out of thin air i fell in love with him.

how do you do.
i'm the fool that fell for a tin man
and i don't own an oil can.

Almost Right

it was almost right.
we had a shot,
but you shut us down.
you're the man i wanted,
but i'm not the woman you needed.

it's not right,
and it's not fair.
why can't i be the one you hold onto tight?
i'd love you for the rest of my life.

it was almost right.
i saw through your flaws
to a man i could love forever.
i don't know what to do.
you made your decision with cruel precision.

it's not good,
and it's not fun.
breaking hearts and crushing spirits on the run.
why couldn't i be the one you kiss goodnight?
i miss all your oddities.

it was almost right.
we almost belonged,
but now you've gone.
and i'm almost done crying.

Gluttony

i am sick from my own gluttony.
unable to control my urges,
i stuff my face complusively.
hating myself with every bite i chew.
the revolution comes undone,
by my own mouth, i am hung.

sickened physically from my heavy fat.
imprisoned by my lack of control.
this won't be the last time i quit.
not even one month into it.
i wish i could say i'm surprised,
but that would just be another lie.

do i pull the plug completely?
or do i suck it up and try again?
i think i can one minute,
then i see a cheeseburger ad
and think i can't.
i'm a slave to my desires,
but i'm never satisfied.

gluttony sweeps me up in it's sweet tastes.
i'm always alone but never free.
i've fallen victim to artificial needs.
if only i could quit food,
but i love to eat.
and i'm starting to think i love it more then breathing.
what's a fat girl to do,
when even writing about food makes her hunger?

A Bunch of Words

uninspired
depressed
worthless
feelings as words collapse me inward

doubts
fears
disappointments
all that i have makes me see what i lack

i'm caught up in a game i don't know how to win
i twisted my arm, but i can't forgive
i have two left shoes on
that's the way love dresses me

cold
gray
windy
mother nature matches my mood

slippery
icy
steep
i'm sick of falling down the slopes i'm on

i'm overwhelmed to the point of implosion
i want to runaway to find some sun
the car is out of gas
i guess i'm stuck here in my best dress

nothing
empty
closed
it all adds up to a negative

denial
broken
shattered
i can't make sense of this

i'm not looking for a ten
i thought for once i got lucky
but this is just a bunch of words
that never add up to a life that's worthy

Dead Inside

i'm dead inside.
no where to run or hide.
got nothing going on.
nobody to see or be.
just the deadness of the night
laid out in front of me.

we're all dead inside.
lock the doors.
clear your head.
lie down in your bed.
there's no point
because we're all dead inside.

we try to fill ourselves up
with what we buy.
we take time and
serve it up like pieces of a pie.
never full and never alive,
because we're all dead inside.

i'm dead inside.
got nothing to do but cry.
done telling myself lies.
the emptiness is mine.
just the deadness of my soul
swallowing me whole.
i'm dead inside.

Dead Horse

i got another call from you.
i didn't say much.
i didn't listen either.
you've said it all before.
there's no point in beating my dead horse.

it's akward and it'll stay that way.
i'm not being difficult.
it's the way i feel.
i can't change my emotions on a dime.
i can't turn my love off then on like a light switch.
the only cure here is time.

you keep reaching out to me.
i deleted your number off of my phone.
i'm not bitter,
but depression is now my home.
your voice is painful to me
and it used to brighten my day.

if i spoke up you'd say i'm petty
funny, you never could tell me i was pretty.
criticism was always easier for you,
but i'm no longer a volunteer.
i have to disengage myself from you
or be drowned to death from my pain.

next time you call i won't pick up.
i know you'll think i suck.
i was never good at driving in reverse.
so in theory, yes, i'm your friend,
but i think it's time i bury this dead horse.

Outside My Door

i can't pretend you're coming back to me.
all i fantasized about was you loving me.
obsession is a passionless lover.
bitterness is a faithful companion.
you tell me we're still friends,
but that's not good enough in the end.

i know enough to know myself.
i'll have to fight the urge to call.
suppress my need to email.
avoid facebook so i won't like you anymore.
it's so easy to reach out to you,
but you don't want me to!

i am trying to direct myself to another direction,
but i keep circling back around to you.
yeah, it was great while it lasted.
maybe my age makes me desparate,
but men just don't line up outside my door.
i had hoped you would be the last one,
but, alas, i was mistaken.

Wondering Why

Take away the sun.
Turn all the lights off.
Let the darkness come in
And shut off all the noises.
As you sit in the silence,
Maybe a thought or two will come to you.
And maybe somewhere in them, I'll be there with you.

But, I am left wondering why.
I don't know how I could've loved you better.
I don't know how I could've been a better friend.
Somtimes there's no answers in the answers you get,
But I only hope, that you think about me sometimes.

Hold back on tomorrow.
Hesitate before you go.
Please look back over your shoulder,
Because I'm feeling like I meant nothing to you.
Maybe if you could reach out to me.
And maybe help me understand you better.

But I am left wondering why.
I don't think I'd do anything different.
I don't know if I should've lied.
Sometimes there's no reason in the reasons you're given,
But I only hope, I'm in the back of your mind.

I only hope you're wondering why sometimes.
I only hope I cross your mind like you're crossing mine.

The Dog Again (Sophie the Puggle)

I'm talking to the dog again.
Her brown eyes don't comprehend the pain I'm in.
But her attention soothes me,
And for one second the silence doesn't deafen me.

I get a little good news,
but 3 calls later it's back to bad.
I can't get ahead.
All my frugality can't afford what Murphy's Law brings to me.

I'm yelling at the dog again.
Her head tilts left then right.
She knows it's nothing she did.
But she licks my tears away still,
And for one second I feel something other then my broken heart.

I think I'm moving forward,
But I discover I'm behind.
Nothing catches me up.
All my planning can't account for one man's change of heart.

I'm petting the dog again.
It's simple enough that she understands,
She is wanted and she is loved!
And for one second I have forgotten his name!

Cerulean Blue

the cerulean blue of your eyes is haunting my dreams at night.
i had replaced your image with another for a little while,
but i had a feeling that you'd be back again.

ever since you said hi to me, you've been as tempting as a piece of pie.
that one crisp cool october tuesday changed everything.
i tried to supress the chemical reaction you stirred up in me,
but over one year later your on my mind more then chocolate.

the winter's cerulean blue sky reminds me of the twinkle in your eyes.
the deep timber of your baltimore accented voice can say anything amazingly.
such a melodious sound, it brings goose bumps to my flesh.
your laughter and smile draw me into you and
i never want to leave your presence.

you're still a mystery to me.
am i another conversion project for you?
you're a tease in a hooded sweatshirt and jeans.
i love your hair short and goatee.

i want to grab you, pull you close, and kiss you.
but fear of rejection keeps my hands by my side.
this unrequited desire has me tied up in a mess.
my hot flashes only happen when you are near to me.

i'd love to lay with you on cerulean blue satin sheets.
i'd explore every inch of your glorious taunt flesh.
i know you're younger, but it doesn't factor.
you're old enough to have known how to please a woman.

i got caught up on the differences at first.
i was projecting my insecurities onto you.
when you've done everything right i still hesitated.
but now i'm ready to let all that go.

i'd go through child birth for you again.
just whisper to me what you want.
i can't wait to see the surprise in you cerulean blue eyes,
when i finally admit you're the one i need to complete me!

Run From Me

just had you on my mind
obession's bad for my kind
happiness escapes me every time
no one knows misery better then me

please understand me
help is beyond my reach
i will ride you until you have nothing more to teach
love is a tricky game
life always changes the rules unexpectedly
i never meant to confuse you
perhaps it's best you run from me

people ignore all the signs
attempting to be my friend
results are destruction in the end
leaving right now would be good
endings have never been my forte
time gets away from me
tomorrow i'll change my mind anyway

Almost Sunshine

one day far away from here,
a daughter was born.
she had golden bouncy curls
and an early smile that outshown the sun.
her mother wanted to name her Sunshine,
but it wasn't to be.

Almost sunshine for her.
i feel so ordinary.
i wish i could've been sunshine for you.

one day last week,
the weary soul of that girl
cried all night long.
as she slowly slips into another depression,
she ponders what life would've been like
had she been a sunshine.

almost sunshine on a tuesday afternoon.
i feel so plain.
i wish i could've been sunshine for me.

there's no hope under an eclipsed sun.
i feel defeated even in my dreams.
i'm just spinning in darkness.
i'm being smothered by fear,
wishing i was a sunshine for real.

Hold on to Me

hold on to me i never leave.
under every cell i exist.
with every breath i am yours.
you are precious to me.
without your belief i cease.

hold on to me so i can lift you up.
your fears will have no home.
you'll feel my warmth
and you'll know i'm there.
no darkness can destroy my light.

hold on to me to save your soul.
cling to my words for freedom.
hear my spirit's call
your faith will grow strong.
all your wrongs will fade.

hold on to me my blessed child.
no promises will be broken.
i love you even when you don't love yourself.
know the power of my redemption.
cleanse yourself of your sins.

hold on to me through the doubts.
the moments of confusion will pass.
focus on my healing son.
he'll bring you to me on the wing's of a prayer.
never lose faith in me, for i never lose my faith in you.

Eeyore and I

Staring out the window wondering how i'm gonna let you go.
I watch the wind blowing the empty trees.
I notice the similarities.
Life lives in forward motion only,
but I breathe on empty.

The winter's cold curls up in my soul.
The blank slate of whiteness turns my heart old.
I sit under blankets with the heat cranked on high,
but warmth escapes me.

I'm lost and confused.
Tomorrows are blurry.
You difused all my worries.
Now I'm wrapped up tightly inside my fears.
My courage fled when you disappeared.

I want to defy my nature,
but Eeyore and I revel in melancholy together.
You never lied to me.
My heart fed the delusions.
I asked you to let me have them,
but time runs out on everything.

Smiling, fleeting at silly puppies.
I'm trying to recover a little bit of me.
I sense the journey will be long,
but you made your executive decision.
You chose to live your life without me,
and I have to find a way to move on.

Done

i was searching for someone to share the burden,
so i wouldn't have to face the world alone.
i thought you could be the one,
but that just came undone!

rant, rave, be the lunatic you crave!
faint, fret, wreck all your bets!
cave, confess, leave me a mess!

it was easy for me to love you,
but it was hard for you to let me.
go ahead and do it on your own.
the road you've chosen is 10x's harder then it needs to be.

you told me it's time to settle down.
you weren't untethered long enough to know.
i put my money down, hoping time would set you free.
but i'll never be your one,
in your eyes i'm done!

cuss, fuss, do what you must!
lie, die, break down and cry!
jump, punch, you didn't leave me much!

it was easy to fuck you,
but it was hard to stop there.
go ahead and make your own way.
the path your on will kick you when you're down.

i cant' wait for you to come around.
i won't force you to be my one.
this sadness i feel is all from you.
so i'm through, done, it's over!
i'm alone again and that's just how it's done!

15 years

my heart is heavy.
missing you drags me down.
my sadness swallows me whole.
like a tsunami, a crushing wave of pain floods me.
after 15 years, i thought i'd be out of tears.
but i cry on, i cry on.

the day is filled with business.
i try to block out the past.
the night looms before me like a dark demon,
anxious to consume me.
i had hoped time would ease the ache,
but my heart keeps breaking for you over & over again.

you've missed so much.
i wonder if i've punished myself enough.
we all die on our own.
we all go out alone,
but if i could go back,
i'd change that last memory.

i wish i was there holding your hand.
it would comfort me if i knew you understood,
how badly i wanted to be there with you.
i never got to say goodbye
and it makes me cry, so i cry, i can't stop crying.

if love is eternal, then you'll never be gone.
i want to make you proud.
but i never did while you were alive.
and i doubt i've improved since you've been dead.
but God as my witness, i keep trying.

i never stop trying to live up to your standards.
even though your voice in my head is fading,
certain moments bring you back to me again.
and i desperately want to hold on to you.

hold on to the sound of your laughter.
hold on to your radiant smile.
even if it makes me cry.
so i'll sit here on this night,
when you went into the light
and cry, i'll keep on crying for you, Mom!

What the Hell?

hey, hey, hey, all i wanted was a sunny day
but you let the rain come pouring out of your mouth.
i didn't need a disertation on all the flaws our love's got.
i didn't ask for an invitation to a break-up party.

your bringing me down.
your drowning me out.
what the hell is this all about?
one day your hugs and kisses
saying love ya's and miss ya's
now it's you gotta have your space
get out of my place
back away from my face
what the hell is this all about?

hey, hey, hey, all i wanted was to play
but you stomped around breaking all the toys.
i didn't want a presentation of how bad i am for you.
i didn't request your meditations on life with me gone.

your giving me a frown
treating me like a clown
what the hell is this all about?
one day your hugs and kisses
saying love ya's and miss ya's
now your saying goodbye
making me cry
and telling whale sized lies
what the hell is this all about???

The Example

i dreamed you died.
i didn't cry.
i stood tall and proud.
you were the past.
i was free from letting you down at last.
i buried the negative emotions you gave me.
i woke up feeling unburdened.

praise God and let me be.
no one believes how evil you can be.
but one day the truth will win out.
time will let me escape you.
i will no longer have to face you.
praise Jesus and let go of me.

i can see the future clearly.
your memory was dragging me down.
i cut you out of me.
i use you as an example of who not to be.
i won't manipulate.
i won't guilt trip.
i won't use my loved ones as pawns.
i won't pit anyone against someone they love.
your twisted games always made me sick.
nothing you tried to teach me will ever stick.

praise God and go away.
i know there's no hope for you.
and i know you'll never change.
time will remove the damage you did.
i won't say your name.
praise Jesus and i'll forget you exist.

StereoTypes

i'm getting so tired of this merry go round i'm on.
i can't sleep more then 2 hours at a time.
i crave what is forbidden.
you're best to be far away from me right now.
i play the scene in my brain.
the truth is revealed and you leave me.
i've seen it a 1,000 times before,
but it's the memory that replays when i think of you.

am i the one you want to get rid of?
i've tried to purge your from me.
i've cleansed myself 100's of times,
but the toxicity of your memories remains.
you are the one i want to get rid of,
but i don't know how to.

i'm getting worn out from chasing your ghosts.
the shadows cling to all that's unhealthy.
i am focused concavely.
distances are distorted, but not out of sight.
i cry all over again.
this wasn't the ending i wanted.
i'm barren physically and emotionally.
you drew your conclusions,
and i'm the one that had to buck your stereotypes.

Simmer

untapped potential rotting in my brain.
undiscovered talents wasting away.
i am too scared to dig into me.
i fear the darkness buried in my soul.
i don't want to know the havoc i can wreak.
i don't want to know what i am capable of.

unmined personality traits await.
unfullfilled anger hovers below my surface.
i need to think more then i feel.
i have to maintain control over myself.
i don't want to know i can ruin everything.
i don't want to know what it's like to lose you.

underneath all my attempts to be normal,
unmasked demons want to be free.
i see pure terror everytime i look in my mirror.
i know there's a point of no return.
i don't want to know where it is.
i don't want to know how to find it.

unrealized emotions must stay that way.
under the skin i must leave the emptiness on simmer.
i like being boring.
i like being unanimated.
i don't want to know what it is like to snap.
i don't want to know what will happen if my suppressed feelings boil over.

More then this

i can't think.
i can't focus.
the world is spinning.
my life is slipping.
i was hoping for more then this.

never hope above your station.
never over expect on your expectations.
i'm one short and fully loaded.
my life is tipping.
i was dreaming for more then this.

my head throbs.
my heart pounds.
the dog is licking off my dead skin.
my life is sinking.
i was believing in more then this.

faith is for fools.
i've been your tool.
i wanted you and i'm sorry.
my life is cracking.
i was thinking i deserve more then this.

Mental

i've got this idea spinning around inside my head.
i see the world differently, but you never believe me.
i hear what's not there and i think thoughts that promote fear.
weird is a second skin that fits me like a glove.

i pick up my shattered ego and
get my glue out to put me back together again.
i tell you i'm mental;
insanity and my personality are one,
but you insist i'm wrong.
when you're mental it comes down to time.

i've got your face running in a loop.
my tracks are laid the wrong way.
i run through the dialogue.
i want to be sure he'll stay.
but it's never perfect and the up's always have a down.
flip a coin to see which me you get tonight.

i pick up my fragile soul,
hold it close to warm it up.
i told you i'm mental;
you think it's a silly kind of crazy,
but it's uglier then you think.
when you're mental it comes down to time.

i run out of time when you've had enough
and make a run for the door.
they all leave me, only the when changes,
time is the enemy when you're mental like me.