Lock

happiness is a wonderful feeling.
joy fills you with warmth.
once upon a time i knew those feelings.
how i live in the past these days.
nothing in my present compares;
love's bittersweet taste on my tongue.
if i unwrap your last gift i'll have nothing left.

this is my place in space, locked in one moment of time.
i don't complain to anyone.
you can't unload your problems, because everyone has their own.
i'm locked into living in a moment that will never repeat.

misery is a cold black wet blanket.
sadness fills my heart with ice.
i know these feeling every damn day.
how they make my future look bleak.
i compare present to past for answers,
but none have surfaced.

i run in place, remembering the feel of your presence.
i don't bother others with these thoughts.
my problems are mental when others have real issues.
i'm locked into what you and i were meant to be.

black and white disagree but i only see gray.
in my soul there's nothing now.
i want to escape but as long as your everywhere i can't.
there's no freedom in these chains of your memory.
i get dragged down to the bottom of all that's surreal.

you locked me up with your love.
you tossed away the key when you left me.
now i sit and spin my wheels waiting for you to release me.
i don't know how to open the lock without you.
just come back for an hour.

Swimming

what about me swims in your head?
my weakness is your kisses.
i see you and my heart does a flip.
this world spins faster then i can deal with.
i see clarity when i'm away from you,
but when you're near i'm blinded by you.
this triangle has become bermuda,
when you enter me the world disappears.
only 10% of your time has been mine.
who swims in your head when i'm not around?

what holds you to her?
my thoughts are curious about you two.
you tell me she bores you.
you feel smothered and like it's all falling apart with her.
you don't want to hurt her,
but you don't hesitate to stomp on my heart.
there's no love that can bind you,
yet two women are slaves to you.
i know it swells up both of your heads.
this is the ultimate power of the worst kind.
whose the one that will be your downfall?

Hairy

this is a hairy predicament.
you and i not wanting to commit.
if i could put this in context,
great sexual chemistry,
the kissing is fucking fantastic,
your hairy chest rubbing me into dizzying heights,
but i'm not in your bed at night.
i'm not the woman that holds you tight.
if she knew about me this would be a hairy situation alright!

you're a hairy beast of a man.
an alpha male that dominates me to the end.
my obsession with your touch undoes me every time.
i can't get enough of your hairy ass.
you drive me to the edge of sexual madness,
but i'm not in love with you.
i'm not the woman who adores you.
if she knew about me you'd be in over your bald head for sure!

she loves your hairy back enough for two.
i only want to fuck you every chance i get.
if we were alone as much as you two are i'd be walking funny
and jumping your hairy balls everywhere.
there's no hope this will end on a good note.
the hair is getting tangled and pulled too much.
you love taking me hard and fast,
but secrets don't keep forever.
i'm not the quality woman that she is.
i'm not the woman you risk losing.
one day she'll find out and your hairy ass will be thrown out!

I'm Trying My Best

your death has me thinking.
all my wheels have been spinning.
i've been stuck in a giant mud pit of doubt.
my heart has no target to aim at.
i keep wishing on planets instead of shooting stars.
i long for the day you held my hand and led the way.

i'm looking at you, so peaceful and at rest.
you're surrounded by flowers and your family is near.
you were laid to rest in a silver casket on a sunny day.
you are next to grandpa in tennessee.
please tell God i'm trying my best down here.

this life is short and riddled with mistakes.
my decisions play out like an off off broadway play.
i go through all the mementos you kept.
you tucked away every scrap of every little accomplishment,
yet there's seldom a mention of my name.
it's blatent to me now i never achieved anything.

i'm the grandchild you prayed for the most.
i'm sorry i couldn't hear the whisper of the holy ghost.
i have become a laundry list of uncompleted tasks.
right now i'm into my deepest mess yet.

he's got me in the corner between lust and regret.
i know it's wrong how he hurts me inside and out,
but part of me doesn't want the pain to stop.
your death has me asking myself hard questions.
there's so much i'd have to give up to be more like you.

i have to rile myself up against my own ways
and i don't know if i love myself enough to do it.
i deserve more then the brief minutes he gives me.
i'm afraid to lose him because he makes me feel.
without him i am numb, but i hate being under his thumb.

Eleven Hours

eleven hours to think
hundreds of miles to contemplate
i tried to find what makes my heart beat on the freeway
all these open spaces laid out in strange places
have me wishing i could be more open minded sometimes
possibilities unrealized dot my recent past
life's epilogue is approaching me fast
when did i become so rigid?

i have her face in the front of my mind
her sweet voice praying to God for me all the time
my broken soul like a moth to the bug zapper
i want what burns me the most
i can't be her little irene anymore
i'm not good enough to honor her memory
when did i become so bitter?

eleven hours in the same car seat
i stare out the window lost in memories
the scenery flies by me unacknowledged
my internal turmoil doing damage
i wrap up tight in her message
the photos in my purse all i have left
she was confident God loved me too
when did i become so lost?

Lonesome Soul

the name calling has started, it's a sign the end has come.
you don't believe me and i don't trust you.
we sit in our separate houses to stew.
there's no mercy in a battle of bleeding hearts.
you're ripping my dreams out through my uterus.
my period has become a badge for all my failures.

the voices surrounding me mock my choices.
i sit behind a closed curtain waiting endlessly to be seen.
my hurting doesn't even matter to God.
my prayers are dying under the weight of my regrets.
i lost my grandmother yesterday.
my joy has been overcome by my pain.

i remember her devotion to God and family.
she seemed so fragile, but her spirit never would break.
i'm sucked up into a restless life.
i'm not content unless there's strife.
my mistakes get worse with every breath i take.
these burdens are burning me at the stake.

i'm certain i'll die a lonesome soul.
cold, destitute, barren, depressed, shattered and alone!

Dearest MeeMaw

In Honor of Brownie Irene Lock 9/3/1923 - 12/13/2011

Dearest MeeMaw i'm lost in memories of you.
Your sweet smile and child like giggles haunt my mind.
My world lost an effervescent light this morning.
Your love helped to anchor me in the darkest of times.
2am God took your beautiful soul back home.
He knows how much I love you.

My head hurts from trying to hold back these tears.
I'm working hard to overcome my fears.
Your pain is over and your blessings are fulfilled.
I feel selfish for still wanting you here.
I didn't call or visit as often as I should have,
but you were always near and dear to me.

I'm your little Irene and now your my guardian angel.
You'll never be far from my thoughts
And you'll always be with me in my heart.
I love you Brownie Irene.
You have always made the world a better place for me.
God take good care of her up there.
She spent her life loving you too.

Her faith never waivered.
Where I had doubts she embraced it all.
I wish I could be more like her.
Strong, Independent, Devoted, and Determined is what comes to mind when I try to describe her.
I love her and miss her so much already.
May peace be upon your soul, my beloved MeeMaw.
This little Irene will try her best to make you proud!

Face Value

i'll try to keep this short
life for me is sadness
i have nothing new to report
life for me is madness
no one to meddle
no one to cuddle

ignore me i babble
take me at face value
live the opposite
my truth isn't copesthetic

i'll try to be honest
breathing is a chore
i'm so modest
i know i'm a bore
no one listens
no one misses

this is how it's been
one year blends into forever
i'll never recover
i'm a perpetual has been

I Made Me

i'm a lonely person, but i made myself this way.
the agony is such a beautiful harmony.
i see the error of my ways, but only through the rear view mirror.

pull back the curtains on the windows,
open the blinds and let the sun blind me.
the light brings no warmth to my heart.
i've moved out from love's reach.
i'm too scarred to love and too afraid to feel.

i'm a desperate woman, but i made myself this way.
the rejection is such a perfect melody to my ears.
i see the mistakes i've laid and paid my dues.
the lessons never last longer then my heart's return to hunger.

open the doors and let the winter wind blow all the cobwebs away.
i feel the chill up my spine.
i feel the cold in my chest.
now this is more like home sweet home.
all i've accomplished over the years is how to perfect being cold and alone.

i'm a stupid person, but i made myself that way.
the abandonment such a sweet sad song to my soul.
i see the problems in every face i've met, but i've forgotten their names.
it's all so clear to me looking back through the years.

i never got the relationship rulebook.
i never could handle following, i had to lead.
i should behave but i'm too far gone to change.
i'm lonely, desparate, and stupid but i made me that way!

Gone with the Sunrise

how many days will it take for these blues to go away?
when will my heart finally be whole again?
inside of my mind all i have is unanswered questions.
inside my heart there's unrequited love.
i'm searching for solutions to all the above.

he seduces me with his hazel eyes
and husky voiced phrases, like you're beautiful.
it's everything i wanted to hear,
but the doubts still call out, he's a liar.
they're all liars.
i need him to keep the pain at bay,
but he won't be here forever.
he's like all the others, gone with the sunrise.

when will i be loved for who i am?
what am i doing wrong with all these men?
why can't i sustain a relationship with them?
am i that broken?
my mind swirls and twirls over every failed attempt at happily ever after.
my heart is a blank open book.
i'm searching for resolutions to all the above.

he winks at me and grins while he kisses my neck.
charm and sweetness are dripping from his tongue.
he's handsome and smooth.
he says he's different, not to worry, he's sticking around.
i love the script he's reading from, but my fears are on high alert.
he's lying.
they'll say anything to get laid.
i only want him so i can spend one less night alone.
he won't be here forever.
he's like all the others, gone with the sunrise.

so'm i'm still asking questions that hurt.
i still want answers, but know they won't come easily.
change and i aren't well aquainted.
but i know true love doesn't happen on your own.
so i'll go through a million sunrises if that's what it takes to get it right!

The Day After

i'm working so hard to get you off of my mind.
here i am staring out the window,
trying to force the clouds to not look like you.
if this is letting go, then what's holding on?
i've got to severe this hold you have on me
before it's the end of me.

the day after you left me i screamed and i cried.
i threw your stuff in the trash.
i ripped up all the pictures and tried to burn the happy times into ash.
the day after i said i'm over you i'm still lonely.

i'm dating and dancing at the bars.
i'm drinking and eating myself merry.
i'm hoping to fall in love with Scott tonight.
i'm thinking i've finally found the man to spend all my nights with.
it's all the hope i have to believe i can love again.

the day after i slept with Scott he still hasn't called.
i start wondering if i was wrong.
he seemed to be the right guy, but it's been so long,
i don't trust my own feelings anymore.
the day after i said who cares if he calls i'm still lonely.

is this how the rest of my life is going to be?
lonely and cold,
lonely and old,
i don't want to be desperate.
the day after tomorrow i'll get back out there.
i'll climb out of bed and try again.
the only hope i have left is that i'm able to fall in love again.

Almost 40

happy birthday to me.

it's easy to see i'm as miserable as can be.
there's no one waiting to dance with me.
i see today as another day in one more year alone.

happy happy birthday to me.

you know i'm a lonely person.
i push and kick myself down all the time.
how i made it this far baffles all.

happy happy happy birthday to me.

just call me a pessimistic bitch.
my life has no shine in it anymore.
all i ever do is complain about every little glitch.

happy happy happy happy birthday to me.

oh, by the way, i got a two cards this year.
and my kid called for money and said, oh, happy birthday,
like she had forgotten me.

happy birthday to me.

i've gone crazy trying to fit into a world that won't accept me.
i'm exhausted from trying to get ahead.
i know it's an uphill battle, it always has been.

happy happy birthday to me.

yeah, what a fucking fabulous birthday for me.
i wrote this poem four years ago and nothing has changed.
i'm beating myself up for the same old shit.

happy happy happy birthday to me.

next year i'll be 40.
i've been stuck on the past burning time like trash.
almost is always the norm.

happy happy happy happy birthday to me.
the men have changed.
the hurt remains the same.
i guess i'm the one that is to blame.

Rain Rain Go Away

it's raining outside,
it's pouring in my mind.
gray, black, and white splashes of ominous emotions float quickly through me.
who was i to you?

scenes in my head play out like a black comedy.
i played your game without the rules.
i lost.
are you amused?

knowing me like you thought you did,
you never guessed i'd hit the fan.
i couldn't keep from talking.
yeah, i ran my damn mouth.
it amazes me how long i kept it shut,
that's how much i loved you until you broke my heart.

the air is cooling down like my desire for you.
the passion has burnt itself out.
i've gone no where but i never hear from you.
do you think about me anymore?

i've taken all the pain and wrote it down.
i've filled hundreds of pages and it keeps coming.
i should put them in a book and send it to your woman.
would that piss you off?

you always called me crazy.
you always lectured me on who to be.
i wasn't good enough for you.
i would never be her.
i should've known i'd be the one dumped on my ass.
but i kept loving you until you broke my heart.

I Dare You

i avoid real emotion when i can.
it's not hard if you try.
i use my empty bottles to countdown my life.
make me live, come on and do it!
i dare you.

i dance side to side then in a little circle.
i have no idea why.
it is what it is and that's what i do.
i'm not happy.
the sad is all too real.
love has left me deaf, dumb, and blind,
what has love done to you?

colors have become as bland as i am.
i'm washed out.
my apathy swells to ranges only reached by a blue robed choir.
my eyes are damp with teas that never get cried.
i'd tell you a secret but it would just be a lie.

i spin around my living room falling over furniture like a total spaz.
i've got no reason to tell you why i do these things.
if i could act normal i wouldn't bother to try.
my little quirks keep me entertained.
what enterains you on a rainy depression soaked day?

surrounded by people i am unattached.
i got a birthday coming up real quick.
makes me think i've accomplished shit.
oh, well, at least there's no where else to go.

i lay flat on the floor.
i'm sprawled out trying to fill up this small room.
i'm attempting to send a pulse down every nerve.
but i'm not feeling anything at all.
this is perfect numbness.

i could try to remember all the ones i've loved.
but the losses are all i can recall.
my veins run cold with the ice of death's breath.
i hear the chanting of their ghosts singing me a sweet note.

sing to me, sing to me, sing to me, sing to me
sing to me, sing to me, sing to me, sing to me please
i miss your voices
i miss having choices
tell me to breathe, i dare you!

Go Ahead and Scream

i have to sleep if i'm going to church.
i have to think even if it hurts.
one little ache echoes throughout my nervous system.
i fall wounded but aware onto my bed where i no longer care.

turn a trick to pay the rent.
it's nothing without love.
i find God in my heart but hate in my thoughts.
there's no more excuses to buy me more time.

dreaming of portals to take me back in time.
undo some mistakes, take some chances i didn't take.
learn if i would still be here and if i'd still cry.
what if i live better in another dimension?
could i swap out the old for the new?
put into circulation an upgrade of me that everyone wants to love.

confusion bends my eyes to see flaws and discrepancies everywhere.
i don't balance my checkbook.
i hate all the fees when i come out red,
it is such a horrible color for me.

space is a vacuum of darkness,
go ahead and scream, no one hears it out there
and down here no one cares.
so take the sharpest thought you got,
stab at the world's toughest problems.
save the poor, feed the pot bellied children,
go and fight a war thousands of years in the making.
the weapons are vastly improved, but the games still dirty.

i can't stay on one subject for too long.
i zig then i zag.
i look at every price tag.
i can't find what it is i'm looking for.
the catalogs and web sites only want me to buy more.

this is unknown territory for me,
but i fearlessly march right into it.
a stick or a bullet can kill.
i fight battles that aren't real.
my spirit is starved from lack of inspirational prose,
so i'll got to bed so i can go to church tomorrow
and find the purpose i lost long ago.