24 Ways

i got to stop thinking, that's when my troubles start.
when i think i got it all figured out, that's when it falls apart.
i keep putting all my eggs in one broken basket.
i think that makes me the basket case.

i don't know why i am always out of place.
all guys want to do is play with my boobies;
then they're off to find someone prettier then me.
i've given up trying to fulfill my own desires.

i was hoping you'd be different, but you aren't,
as long as i have a choice, i will choose the wrong man.
i'm drawn to the ones that play my heart strings.
they master me then they want someone else.
the right woman is always the woman after me.

the longest relationship i've had was 4 years.
he spent 2 of them out of the country,
we waited 18 months for the divorce to finalize,
so he spent a whopping 6 months under the same roof as me.
he cried, as he screamed at me, you are impossible to love.
i think it hurt so bad, because i knew he was right.

am i so awful? selfish? cold? distant? crazy?
i could go on with the list of adjectives i've been called,
but it would take all day to get through them all.
i've tried to grow and learn from each failure.
i've found out 24 ways how NOT to have a successful relationship.
maybe number 25 will be the one that it all comes together perfectly!

i've dumped a few and a few have dumped me.
so it's pretty much even on that front.
i've never cheated, but i've lied.
i know there were times i could have tried hard,
but i get bored so easily.

in these moments of self-reflection,
i see the would haves, could haves, and the should haves,
all lined up in one long funeral procession.
i have my own dirge to dance around to in my head.

i still dare to hope that somewhere out there,
beyond the fear,
i hear of soul mates and whispers of ever-lasting love.
i'm not that ambitious though,
but a smackerel of love just might be enough to see me through!

Retreat

a great difficulty has arisen within me.
i am restless and wracked with worry.
it is because i need to be needed.
my soul is reaching out into the darkness,
but it only finds emptiness.
God created me, so he must need me!
why do i feel so alone?

i have withdrawn my affections from you.
i have bundled them up inside my heart.
i do not want to be rejected again.
my heart can not take much more heart ache.
angels do not communicate with me,
but i listen for the flutter of their wings every day.

a debilitating sadness has overcome me.
i am sorrowful and full of shame.
it is because i have no purpose.
my soul withers on the vine.
it is dying from having no one to love.
does God bring me this pain so i remember to love Him?

i have begun to build a wall around me.
i have shut off all my emotions.
i am imperfect and ugly.
my diseases infect others like a poison.
i have to hide myself away to save them.

a tremble ripples through my body.
there is no tidal wave of kindness to make me better.
every one knows i am defective.
even God averts His gave from my visage.
i have been cast out from His love.
i must retreat into myself
and try to overthrow my own rebellion.

When I'm Not!

if you ask you shall receive,
but i don't know the question i need to ask.
if you seek you shall find,
but i don't know what i'm looking for.
there's only confusion here.

God promises love and eternal life,
sounds like Heaven to me,
but fear whispers you'll never get there.
if this is all there is,
i worry that i'll never be blessed.

my nerves communicate to my brain
that my body is in a lot of pain.
i need to be part of God's salvation.
i fall every day into self-abusive ways.
i just want God to love me,
but it never seems to be enough for me.

if i'm a better servant for the Lord,
he will shine His grace upon me.
i don't know what to do
to find a piece of peace within me.

i run from what i can't comprehend.
i know prayer alone can't save me.
i need action to bring His love to me.
my heart needs to surrender
and let the Holy Ghost come home.

if believing wre enough,
i'd be golden.
if God were easy,
then Jesus' sacrifice wouldn't have been necessary.
i acknowledge there is greed in my heart.
i've tried to rise above the pettiness,
but i succumb to the basic temptations.

i am a child of God,
even when i think i'm not!

Remember

i'm in a constant state of confusion
all this exercising is altering my brain chemistry
i'm hyper and panicked
i want to shake off this feeling of doom
i feel like i've derailed
and my runaway emotions are going to kill me

remember me, remember me
i want you to be the father of my desired child
your touch vacates all logical thoughts
remember you, remember you
you've seared yourself into my brain
but the timing is off again

i'm filling up my hollowness with regrets
i'm ashamed to admit your effect on me
i'm prancing around the parking lot
hoping you'll stop and want to talk
i feel like a cheap corner whore
and i can't make myself stop

remember before, remember before
i was not turned on by you
i thought you were married
remember her, remember her
she looks at you with love in her eyes
and i don't want to conquer and divide

Given Up the Ghost

i am feeling every fat cell tonight
i am weighed down by my heavy sighs
the only control i have is over myself
and i have failed at executing that
you toyed with my hormones
i was on a righteous track
but now i have fallen into the sinner's rack.

Jesus sat with the ones that needed saved
so right now he should be beside me
because i need him now more then ever
my bible offers me no respite
i still dream of fucking you every night

i am feeling every mile i have ever walked
my pain reminds me i am real
i have fallen all over the place
and i do not know if i can get back up again
i had fire burning through my veins
and i burst into lust filled flames

God i know i have disappointed you
right now i am a dirty minded whore
because i want him more then i want you
the scriptures tell me to flee
but i can not think when he is near me

i am feeling every regret i have ever had
my poor decisions drain me
the bottle brings a complete blackout
but i can not stay unconscious forever
eventually, i will have to take responsibility

the Holy Ghost has no love left to give me
i have no fight in me
i want to be wrong
but there is no more doubt
i have given up the Ghost for a man!

Trigger or Plug?

so it was a monday, i thought it was on a tuesday
how my heart confuses the days.
i've let this one get out of hand.
i feel caught between my desires and his demands.
not sure what i should do.
just sitting around here waiting on you.

you got a dilemma on your hands.
we're akward and blown away by the chemistry we share
i want to dive in an explore,
but you aren't so sure.
all i need to know from you is,
do you want to pull the trigger or the plug on this?

i've been walking in circles for days now.
i got 5 miles in today.
i keep hoping to catch a glimpse of you,
but you aren't tied up in this like i am.
i'm amazed at how well you segregate.

i've got a dilemma on my heart.
i'm not sure i want to wait.
you were the one that was able to show restraint.
i think someone needs to make the call,
do we pull the trigger or the plug on this?

I Die!

i am filled with sorrow
my physical pain is great
i weep

i'm afraid of burning in hell
my temptations are overcoming me
i fornicate

i am repentant
my disease is not permanent
i indulge

i am lost
my spirit is downcast
i ponder

i am weak in flesh
my sins invaded every cell
i cave

i'm defiled by my own hands
my useless desires do me in
i isolate

i am ashamed
my bed has stains
i deny

i am a reprobate
my behavior has lost me my savior
i drink

i'm acting like a fool
my sex drive makes me a tool
i covet

i am looking back to where i started
my progress has disappeared
i repeat

i am embarassed
my life is meaningless
i lie

i'm hiding in the house
my heart can't figure this out
i panic

i am going to stay here
my movements cease
i die!

I'm drunk!

i am drunk!
stuck between the freedom and the poison
pain has drifted out on a shot glass!
i amuse myself to no end.
i wish i could cure my pain,
oops, jack daniels already did!

tomorrow might brings headaches and regret.
i have self administrated my own pain medication.
getting on the healthy band wagon causes me pain.
my story is simple,
i'm the woman that has no happy ending!

i struggle with my understanding,
technology broadcast every fault.
love rises above dead doves,
i kill my heart for you.
who dares to defile me descends from heaven.
if you fall in love your flesh burns.

i regret this mess.
but i confess that this is a bad decision.
i enjoy this disconnected vision.
wrap me up and take me to bed
i want to touch another human being besides myself.

i got here full of gutter thoughts,
i can forgive you, but not myself,
all this is typed in a haze,
thank God, i'm still well behaved.

Lonliness Starts in Our Hearts

i knocked on your door but you never answered
i saw you inside before i knocked
i guess we've officially come apart
me and my anxiety's are at home now
i love how you told me at the start
if you no longer wanted me you'd just tell me
that's one more lie you told me

the way a man can drop off the planet
when he wants to rid himself of a woman
would make the great harry houdini proud
there's no mystery in playing the coward
women are driven to extremes by men
who refuse to give them closure
i've given up believing closure even exists

everyone denies involvement when a heart breaks
i wish i could be as cavalier as you,
but my conscience smacks me around when i let it down
we chase our tails hoping to catch ourselves,
be we never get anywhere and we want to place blame elsewhere
these are the games big boys and girls like to play

i listen to you tell a repeat of a misadventure in romance
the players have changed, but the game remains the same
you say you're tired of it and it's got you down
i suggest a break from love to get your head out of the clouds
but you're scared of the lonliness that lurks in the dark
my darling, lonliness starts in our hearts

i understand what it's like to have time on your hands
it's not a bad thing to be your own best friend
we fear being on our own
but we are born and we die alone
the only person we should depend on is ourselves
peace begins from within
and doubt comes from others mouths.

The Day after Mania

my energy bubble has popped.
yesterday i couldn't be stopped.
today every happy thought i had got its knee caps whacked.
my sleep brought shifting dreams that were jacked.
i cannot escape the dark side of me.

my hyper balloon has deflated.
my joyous mood got concatenated.
my ipod is back to songs that are mellow.
the voices in my head are back in tune with the cello.
i cannot swim against the sad rip tide.

my optimistic glasses got sat on and broken.
too many words got spoken.
i asked for honesty.
now i feel like a travesty.
i am harboring my own criminal.

my whirling dervish has collapsed.
i've had a depressive relapse.
there are many people now dazed and confused.
they are no longer amused.
i've split myself in two!

my speeding mind has crashed.
the manic feelings have ben stashed.
i do enjoy my up days,
but when they pass i pay!
the cycle has bested my control again.

Galaxy

world shifting, axis tilting, stars spinning
heart exploding, ears rushing, pulse racing
falling, i'm falling

sun imploding, planets colliding, galaxy expanding
giggling rapidly, tongue tied, stomach clenched
falling, i'm falling

i dance in my mind with you
in the middle of the living room floor
the bottom of the stairs
in the master closet
on my bed
it's everywhere we've been
i am falling deeper then i ought to
i've caught a tiger by his tail
and i want to yell!

moon eclipsing, asteroids passing, blackholes sucking
nerves rattled, palms sweating, lips licking
falling, i'm falling

clouds moving, rain pouring, skies darkening
thoughts doubting, stupid grinning, hyper driving
falling, i'm falling

i lie against you flesh against flesh in my mind
your smile blinds me
your warmth melts me
your voice entices me
on my bed
it's every part of you i want to touch
i'm falling faster then i want
you've got my attention,
and my entire galaxy is revolving around you!

Disarmed

i want what is bad for me.
on the sabbath day, all i can think about is you.
life threw me a curve ball on a tuesday.

i let a fox into my hen house.
i invited him in and showed him around.
his advances caught me off guard,
but now pandora's box has been opened.
dag nab it, my sexual curiosity has be reawakened!!!

my physical condition is improving.
my breathing is easing.
but men can see me now.
i fear being found attractive.
why do i have to be thinner to be healthy?
my buffer of fat is disappearing.
i'll now have learn how to interact with him.

i like my walks and i'm a bundle of energy.
the house is neat and organzied.
i feel better about myself,
but i worry about falling for a smooth one like you.
i can do it this time.
i don't know what has changed,
but i haven't panicked like before.

my life has improved.
i'm learning to love what God has given me.
i will figure out this new body.
my renewed vow of chasity will hold out.
i was temporarily disarmed by his charms,
but a voice told me to flee fornication.
thank you God, for helping me out of a sticky situation!

The Symptoms

i am afraid you will leave and you haven't arrived yet.
i blame myself for my own mind games.
if i lie and say it's what i like,
will you come back into my personal gravity?
my feelings are tied up within myself.
i can be your north pole if you'd be my south.

i am paying more attention now.
i'm boosting my sexual intensity,
but you refuse to react to me.
i find the effort refreshing.
i hate when it comes easy,
so i keep building up the fantasy.
i hope you can deliver a 1/4 of what i'm dreaming.

you are my current obsession.
i let the last one go for you.
he was a hopeless attempt.
you show promise to bring me multiple orgasms.
it's hard to keep me satisfied.
i'd like to give you another opportunity to try.

you have no idea how you've sent my world spinning.
i had gotten comfortable with my lonely routine.
your little smirk and fleeting touches haunt my dreams.
i'm looking forward to riding you,
so i'll keep prancing around for you.
because i got the disease of lust bad,
and you're the only relief for these symptoms!

Hot Men

i have no idea what i am doing.
my instruction booklet is in simlish.
out of left field came an unexpected offer.
i could not process it, so i laughed.
now time has passed and i want a do over,
but the chance has passed.

waves and smiles are exchanged,
like nothing changed.
i'm amazed at the power of intentional forgetfulness.
i wonder what you would do,
if i winked and blew you a kiss?
mix it up and have some fun with you.

i know i made the right decision.
physical delights are temporary.
i'm missing the spiritual connections.
my mind runs through the possibilities,
but my history predicts a horrible end.
when i play with hot men,
i'm always the one who burns!!!

A Good Time

i had fun today,
me and my family.
there was laughter
and true happiness.
a good time was had by all!

as we rest quietly,
the images process rapidly.
joy and peace settles
upon our hearts.
we are tired and content.
our good time will be remembered by all!

memories have been created,
like capturing magic in a bottle.
the imprints of experience
leave these jovial marks.
i am zealously storing every second.
this good time might never be repeated,
but it will be held dear by all!

Family

feelings are not contained
all i need is a smile
my family doesn't try to change me
i am theirs and they are mine
love is just given not demanded
you aren't complete without them

family accepts you
abundance of laughter and memories
mixtures of all kinds of crazy
imaginations run wild
little ones are adored
you look forward to seeing them

full of encouragement
allowing you to show every emotion
my family takes the brunt of my worst moods
i love them the most
life would be empty without them
you wish you could love them more

fantastic and incouragable
attitudes and misunderstanding
meemaw's and mamaw's all have an opinion
illogical reactions can strain the bonds
leaps of faith are often required
you can't pick and choose them

faith is a must
aquiring patience will help
making time for them is important
i hope one day they'll forgive me
love has to be a two way street
years can turn love cold as distance grows

family isn't always want you want it be
absence can destroy love
mistakes can stack up around you
ignorance rears its ugly head
like mindedness can disappear
yes, family can be both the best and the worst thing to ever happen to you.

God Knows I'm Here

why do i bleed so much when my heart's been ripped out?
why do i cling to an idea that doesn't want me?
power leaves my body and i grow weak.
my mind gets caught up in fantasies.
i can not live on hope alone.
i hunger for more.
i am sick of chewing on old bones.

i am not important to the world.
God knows i'm here,
but i struggle to keep him.
i weep when i hurt.
i leap for joy when i don't.
i got to have a good day today.
tomorrow, i don't know what mood i'll wake up in.

why do i lie to people to spare their feelings?
why do i cry for no reason?
my night's are lonely and i grow weak.
my body longs for the warmth of a man's touch.
i can't live on faith alone.
i have to learn to trust.
i have to let myself fall in love.

i am not someone special to you.
God knows i'm here,
but i struggle to keep him near.
i want to be more like you.
you are full of warmth and kindness.
i don't want to dominate our conversations.
tomorrow, i will ask you your thoughts and listen!

Peace and Words

nothing i write will add up to anything of consequence.
if the power of words could bring peace to every heart,
who would not hesitate to jot them down?
who would not read them?
who would not repeat them like a mantra?
who would not spread these perfect words to every one else?

the viral community spreads both bad and good.
there's no balance in actions to be had between the two.
i've opened my ears and heart to listen for and receive a message.
the bounty of trust isn't enough to cover this sinner's debts.

i am learning patience.
the task is more difficult then i understood it to be,
but if patience were simple, everyone would have it.
i construct a newer and stronger infastructure around myself.
i will need to drop my extra baggage.
i am steadfast in this opportunity to better myself.

my attempts to capture emotions are unsatisfactory.
mere text can not map out the complexities of my feelings.
i wanted in faith and i doubted, yet hoped.
my tongue is not attached to my mind.
my heart speaks faster then i can comply.
data is lost in the mazes of my brain.
i am sad that you have to see me this way.

i've painted my moods upon spiral canvases for decades now.
i have reviewed my musings many times,
but my reflections have left me disappointed.
my follies are immense and i repeat my mistakes often.
my heart is blind, deaf and very dumb.
but when it wants something it communicates to me via loudspeaker
and all other logic is trumped by its desires.

my words are my crimes.
i cataloged them for my own persecution.
they read like a cheap torrid romance novel.
i want him. i need him. i love him.
he does't want me. he doesn't love me.
i bore myself to tears!
the subject of love continues to vex me.
i'm tired of chasing it.
i'm not hiding, so why can't it find me?

Yes, if i could find the words to bring peace to every heart,
i'd hold them close and say only them for the rest of my days.
peace is the absence of love.
peace is the disappearance of thought.
only peace can calm my love drunk heart.

Magical Elves

lately my mind wanders down memory lane.
i fondly remember playing from dawn to dusk.
my smile is bittersweet as i recall the ones who never got to grow up.
i carry their memories like a precious rare gem.
i hoard all the moments i had with them.
their love goes on even though they don't.

sweeter was the ice cream in the summer.
the sun shined brighter and the nights were darker.
i got in a hurry to grow up and i can't remember why.
i thought i was missing something as a teenager,
but now i kick myself for not taking the time to just be a kid.

i can't reverse the forward march of time.
but i can't help myself to dream of lightning bugs and hugs.
is it because i'm lonely now?
or maybe my responsibilities are wearing me down?
i used to think being an adult meant doing whatever i wanted.
now i laugh at my ignorant youthful self.
i have a chore list so long it never is done.

i watch my daughter struggle against growing up.
she is 20 now.
i tell her that the time has come to give up childish things.
she clings to her youthful ways like life raft.
i remind her at her age i had a 2 year old.
my daughter is well aware that there are no magical elves to clean up after you.

i don't push her to hard.
i am jealous of her.
i wish i had taken more time to have fun.
i was arrogant in my youth.
i thought it would last forever.
so i'll let her hang on to her's just a little longer.

Reunited

i learn something new every day.
my lines blur and cross, but i am stronger now.
my weaknesses are fading.
i gather my bad thoughts and tie them up with twine.
i set them on fire and watch the wind carry them away.
i keep the Holy Ghost close to my heart.
yes, i am stronger then i thought.

home isn't defined my walls and roofs.
my home is God's domain.
my soul lives to do his will.
i purify myself by my actions.
i see the path clearly now.
God is calling me home and where ever he wants me is where i must go.

i have forgiven myself because Jesus forgave my sins.
i can not linger on my past.
the future is brighter and lighter for me.
my tears served a purpose.
i had to cry so i could let go.
my internal compass points true north.

there is no doubt anymore.
God is my father.
Jesus is my savior.
the Holy Ghost is my guide.

i will never get lost again.
i've given up trying to steer.
i go where the spirit tells me to go.
if i get confused, i am a prayer away from clarity.

my hands work in unison with God's angels.
this joy is the greatest i've ever known.
i spent years making what is simple complicated,
but now i'm reunited with my Lord!