What I Know Is Me.

let's walk away from the window,
like we don't have a care.
let's leave behind our sorrow,
let the birds carry it into the air.

there will be other lovers.
there will be other heartaches.
cuz what i know is me,
and i always repeat my mistakes.

let's go on about our day,
like nothing hurts.
let's run around and play,
let the laughter kill the pain.

there will be other break ups.
there will be other chances.
cuz what i know is me
and i always repeat my mistakes.

let's go to bed and dream away,
like we are happy.
let's wake up and start the day,
like it's exciting.

there will be other tears to cry.
there will be other nights were we feel like we are dying.
cuz what i know is me
and i always repeat my mistakes.

Want Some?

the dream in my head is dark and scary.
i'm afraid to sleep.
the fear pauses my heart beats.
if your dreams are messages from your sub-conscious,
then i need help fast!

my exhaustion is tearing me down quickly.
even opening my eyes is making me weary.
i don't want to dive into my thoughts,
in case i drown in their darkness.

blood, red lights flicker and dim, exposed brick walls,
like a set of a B horror film.
i'm confused, dazed, and lost.
i feel disconnected from myself,
like i'm on autopilot.
i watch myself stabbing something over and over again.
the expression on my face is one of glee.
i watch me enjoy the blood splattering onto every surface.
what the hell bleeds this much?

i awake panicked and dripping in sweat.
how could i enjoy such a murderous rage?
i do giggle when i hold a large knife,
but i thought that was because i saw my reflection in the blade.
i am concerned there's another reason,
some deep seated madness waiting to escape.
another night spent pacing instead of resting.

is it a nightmare taunting me?
do i dare force myself to see what i am stabbing?
i feel fragile, like i'm on the edge of some great discovery or doom.
can there be truth here that will heal me?
i decide to medicate.
i take the pills praying for a dreamless deep sleep.

i'm back again!
same place, now i smell something rotting.
i feel the heat of something burning.
i'm not stabbing anymore.
i'm eating, an arm, ew!
i look up at me and extend myself an offer,
"want some?"
i feel myself recoil and shake my head no,
i continue to tell myself,
"it's fatty, but that's why it taste so good well done."
i look over a the corner, and there i am,
stabbed dead, minus an arm,
what the fuck have i done?

i wake up shaking and screaming.
i'm horrified.
i killed myself and i'm eating myself?
what does that mean???
i'm afraid to guess.
am i going to destroy myself?
another night spent pacing instead of racing.
i fear the night now!

The Hippie in Me

the hippie in me still loves to go picking wildflowers.
i know it's silly, but i hope for world peace.
i find skipping around outside to be fun.
and heartache can be sung away with the strum of an acoustic guitar.

the hippie in me doesn't wear a bra on the weekends.
i go barefoot to feel the grass tickle my feet.
i play hide n go seek with the dog.
and i want to share a coke with the world.

the hippie in me is shunning make up and botox.
i'm eating organic.
i recycle so the earth won't die.
and i believe one day every one will truly love each other.

the hippie in me shares her love freely.
she is hopeful and optimistic.
the sun warms her soul and lifts her spirits.
i'd love to see her more often.

the hippie in my never stays,
but like a merry go round,
once in awhile she comes around,
and man, it's a beautiful ride!

Chain Thinking

i get up out of bed. i hear a drum beating inside my head.
my stomach's upset. nothing found to settle it yet.
a million thoughts running through my head.
no peace inside. no calm or time to ponder.
it is what it is. no ability here. no skill set.
zero accomplished. no spell check. am i a minority yet?

faster doesn't make me better. hands shaking.
clothes dripping in sweat. i'm hoping you haven't noticed it.
this paradox i'm trapped against will be my death march.
corporate ladder or funeral procession, no difference to me.
just one more day to cross off of the calendar.

i'm frenzied on the inside. quiet and cold on the outside.
i can't let it unfold. i need to uphold my image.
smile and nod. ask a pertinent question.
do as i am told. give the right answers.
choice is null and void. i have to do this.

pull myself out of bed. get dressed.
suppress the urge to call in sick.
get in line. do the corporate grind.
my future is bleak as i live week to week.
another day with drums beating in my head.
out the door. on my way so i get paid.

more caffeine instead of booze.
i hate that i have to choose.
got a song in my ear. i want to sing along,
but i can't cuz i'm in the office with my headphones on.
won't make that mistake again!

the clock goes slow. slower then slow.
all i want is for 5 o'clock to arrive.
i want to go. i love it. nothing like it.
i tell myself every day. i say, yeah, baby,
you're living the american dream!!!
one day maybe i'll believe me~!

Until I Hear You

i am quiet.
i am silent.

oh God, i don't know what i'm asking
when i raise my hands together,
fall to my knees,
and bow my head.

oh God, bless this wayward child.
i got lost again.
no matter how simple your plan,
i don't fully understand.

oh God, i know you don't answer to me.
i don't know why i bother
to raise my hands together,
fall to my knees,
and bow my head.

then i whisper to you my great despair.

oh God, forgive me.
help me to understand.
i need to know i can forgive myself.

oh God, how is it you still find
something inside me to love when i can't?

oh God, i am begging you,
but i still doubt
when i raise my hands together,
fall to my knees,
and bow my head.

i wonder if you even hear my heart beating,
my uneven breathing,
when i whisper my pain to you.

i am quiet.
i am silent.

oh God, i am straining to hear
the still small voice of your ghost again.

oh God, help me remember how to be your blessed child again.

until i hear you,
i will raise my hands together,
fall to my knees,
and bow my head.

i'll whisper to you my prayer.
i hope you hear me.

o God, my eternal Father, show me how to love myself the way you love me!

i am quiet.
i am silent.

Monday Blues

monday is around the bend;
it has snuck up on me again.
friday was just here,
but now it feels like yester year.
saturday was a blur.
sunday disappeared into thin air.
oh, why do these weekends go by so quickly?
when all i want is to say home on Monday claiming i'm sickly!

Somewhere In Here

i know it's in here somewhere.
where, oh where, did i put it?
today i got good news, but with me,
there's always a but,
i feel sadder then ever.
i hate being praised, it makes me sick.
i used to love recognition.
i don't know where my self-esteem went,
but i have a a bad feeling,
i'm never gonna see it again!

i guess i could shovel out the blame.
my brothers unrelenting teasing.
the fat jokes. the ugly taunts.
the put downs and the heart aches.
my mother's constant critisism.
my father's unrelenting optimism.
me trying to be everything to everyone
and now me feeling like i'm nothing to no one.

i know it's in here somewhere.
where, oh where, did it go?
today i had a moment of uncontrollable laughter,
but those moments never last,
and now i feel empty and bloated.
i hate not be able to make my happiness stay.
i used to laugh every day.
i don't know where my hope went,
but i have a bad feeling,
i'm never gonna see it again!

Returning an Unwanted Favor

it's okay dear, all your tears have been cried.
it's okay here, we've dumped your fears to the past.
no one knows the way home.
stars shoot across the blackened sky
just like the fire light that dances then dies.

you trapped yourself up on a pedastool.
i knew you'd never admit defeat.
i captured the whole fiasco on tape.
i had to prove to you he was more then you could take,
but i received hate instead of thanks.

it's okay dear, i get it.
it's okay here, i already forgave you.
no one knows their fate.
dogs howl at every moon,
just like you fall in love with every fool.

i was here before too, hooked on lies.
blue eyes that hypnotize,
you pulled me to safety before i drowned.
you had to prove to me i was wrong
and i never said thank you,
but i'm returning the unwanted favor now.

it's okay dear, i won't let you drown.
it's okay here, there's always tomorrow to find another happily ever after.

Masterpiece

i have a wish to make.
i'm not sure what it'll take
to make my wish come true,
but if i get just one chance with you,
then i won't mind a lifetime of nothing new.

i'm not blind.
i know the odds.
i think loving you could be my masterpiece.
all the years of pain erased
when you arms wrap around me.
i know i'll finally find peace.

i want to be cinderella just once,
because i know you're my perfect prince.
we don't need a matchmaker here.
the statistics can't predict happenstance.
if you take this gamble with me,
i'll prove i'm worth the risk.

you're my inspiration to exist.
your presence enhances every nuance.
colors jump out at me.
every sound is music to my ears.
all my fears disappear
when you say my name.

i'll climb mount everest with you
and if we fall, at least i'm dying with you.
i know i can't always have my way,
but if you'd stay, i'd play the game anyway.
that's how much i want this.

i'm not known for my patience.
you see that life is a rush for me,
but without you every road is a deadend.
i hear you say you just want to be friends,
but i need so much more for my heart to mend.

just give me one chance
and i'll love you forever.
it may sound cliche,
but when i'm with you,
i'm a better person.
so help me help you realize i'm your masterpiece too.

Onward Ho!

my intellect has saved me a time or two,
but my heart screws me over every time with you.
take a drink from my cup.
split our assests in half.
leave me your old jacket to button up.
all the memories wash over me.
i can't think myself out of this one.

my heart fully committed
and now i'm alone sweeping up it's pieces off the floor.
going back to the day you slammed the door on me and you.
the pain has its phases,
denial, anger, grief, and bitterness;
all alcohol and pill fueled.
only time seems to ease this tragedy.

i keep looking back.
i'm missing what i have.
it's right for me to bury this hatchet you gave me.
my brain's on board with my moving onward plan.
but my heart still clings to the hope,
you and i will get back together someday.

How I Know

it hurts a little bit less today.
my dreams last night were free of you.
i can smile and it reaches my eyes.
my heartbeats don't echo anymore.
time is working her magic on my wounded soul.
that's how i know i'm getting over you!

my focus is back.
i can concentrate on work again.
my days don't drag on without end.
my mind doesn't race when i go to bed.
seasons are changing and so am i.
that's how i know i can live without you!

every song no longer reminds me of you.
i can laugh and enjoy a conversation now.
my tears have dried up.
i don't feel depressed anymore.
the roads are wide open.
that's how i know i will be okay!

three months ago i was devastated.
my heart torn into pieces.
my soul howling with pain.
every breathe a struggle.
i thought a day like today would never come, but it has.
and that's how i know loving you didn't kill me after all!

Half Asleep

half asleep on a sunday morning,
killing time waiting for you.
i've spent up all of my patience.
the clock is the only thing changing here.
another minute i wish you were here,
but i won't be the one breaking down.
if you miss me as much as i miss you,
swallow your pride and call me.

you're so stubborn and stupid.
you would freeze to death
before you'd reach out to me.
i have some love put aside for you,
but it's not going to last forever.
let go of your self-control.
allow yourself to indulge,
while someone is here that wants you.

feelings are a stranger to you.
you accuse me of feeling too much,
but i'd rather be a live wire
then a dead circuit no one needs.
i've put alot of effort into loving you.
all i wanted was a chance,
but you never gave me that.
i am done with the games you play.
you never told me the rules anyway.
so i've got to move on now.

you got your righteous pride
and i've got a broken heart.
you think you're always right
and this time i think you're wrong.
no one could've loved you better,
but no matter what i do or say it's never enough.
i'm dropping my extra baggage
and picking up some optimism.

half asleep on a sunday afternoon,
realizing it's time to surrender.
i don't know what's to come,
but i know i won't be sharing it with you.
i have to build a future without you.

Plain View

that's weird!
i searched frantically for you just yesterday.
i dug through my purse like a hopped up crack head
and i didn't see you.
i pulled out everything and you weren't there.
i just put something new in my purse
and there you were in plain view!

this is happening now all the time.
i'm tearing my house apart
looking for somethingi can't live without.
i get so bent out of shape about every little thing.
i work myself up into a panicked frenzy,
but the object i desire eludes me.
so i give up and i move on.
then two days later i see you in plain view,
but i don't need you anymore.

i'd laugh at myself if i wasn't crying already.
is someone playing games with me?
i worry about flipping out
and when i can't figure this out
i freak thinking insanity is coming to nest.
that my brain is turning into a charlie sheen mess.
God, help me, i'm going crazy!

do they go to another dimension?
maybe they come to life and move when i'm not home,
like in the movies.
it's really bothering me.
if it had been a snake it would have bitten me.

maybe i'm going blind
or developing selective sight.
but i can't find anything when i need it the most.
what's in plain view becomes concealed,
like it's wearing an invisibility cloak!
So weird!!!

Dim

i wish life was easy for me.
i've used up all my get out of jail free cards.
now i'm watching the clock wind down.
i'm not sure if dying would be such a bad thing,
since the life i'm living isn't much.
only two people would miss me anyways.

i've put myself on cruise control.
my mind is playing tricks on me.
i thought i already wrote this down,
but the piece of paper couldn't be found.

i hate every day now.
i want to change, as long as it's free.
today i can't afford to exist.
every breath costs me fify cents.
i'm ready to go out of business.
it's time to close out this mess.

i'm not big on optimism.
i wallow in misery.
my happy dreams dangle in front of me,
like a carrot on a stick to a horse.
i keep stepping forward with no ambition.
i know i'll never win.
losing has become my best friend.

i don't know where this is going.
i swear i had a point when i began.
but it fled my brain and now the ink runs red.
i wish i could be brilliant,
but my light has always been set to dim.

Rapid Cycling

yet another day wasted in the abyss of nothing.
my sense of accomplishment unmet.
i prep for a night of bitter disappointment.
i am unfulfilled in all the roles life has cast me in.
the one i miss the most doesn't want me.

i try not to bore with my whine and tears.
even when i sneeze it's clear that no one cares.
not a single "bless you" is spoken.
silence is my new surround sound.

i've worn out the welcome mat.
i know you'll never ask me to come back.
i already tried to bridge our great divide
and i fell completely flat.

i built us in a day.
you tore us down in a minute.
the rapid cycling left me breathless.
the internet feeds on desparation and lonliness.

time is already marching on.
each hour brings me closer to another dawn.
one morning i'll awake
and no longer will you take a single thought in my day.
this is only the third time you've crossed my mind today.

i will get back up on the web,
and cast out my net once again.
hoping my last catch lasts,
but with the speed of a heart
and a few clicks of a mouse;
i have a hunch it won't be long until i'm back to single status again.

Hello My Dear

hello my dear.
don't you fear.
mommy will always be near.
sleep tight baby of mine
sweet dreams, beautiful child.

hello my dear.
your grades are dreary.
your attitude blustery.
and your mouth full of mockery.
teenager of mine,
please rewind back to sweet child.

hello my dear.
a new phase is here.
no longer little and scared.
you are fully grown,
but not ready to be on your own.
daughter i love you.
rest easy today, the day of your birth.

hello my dear.
it's time for me to be clear.
twenty years have passed.
it's time to get off your lazy ass.
get a job to pay your way.
i say this with love,
but with firmness i swear
it's 24 and out the door for you my dear.

Scheduled Twinkies

i can't clear my brain long enough to have a thought.
pain envelopes everything i got.
i'd swallow a river of pills to drown my diseased bod.

my life is divided into the happy and the pain.
i spend more time on the dark side of my brain.
scattered to the wind on impulses whim,
i have no control when i'm without him.

i'm staring down the barrel of misery.
wondering when life will blow up in my hands.
one hour i'm up and then six i'm down.
i'm biding my time until i crash and burn.

i'm torching pieces of my soul as i go.
tearing into my reasons like fresh twinkies,
i devour what's left of my control.
i line up all my happy thoughts along the wall,
i execute them one by one until they're gone.

i wish i could block off my emotions,
like blocks of time on my calendar.
i could schedule my breakdowns inbetween meetings.
i'd pick Monday's to be perky.
Tuesday's I could be moody.
Wednesday could be neutral ground.
Thursday's I can space out a bit.
Friday I'd be down with it.
Saturday's I'd be the toast of the town.
And Sunday I'd wrap up and hide in my tears.

My mind is controlled by a remote I don't have access to.
so I go around surprising everyone.
even i get exasperated by how my mood turns on a dime.
i try to selectively remember the good times,
but the bad ones are on an infinite loop.

my pain and my fear eclipse what joy i come by.
pain and love hurt me the same.
one i can avoid and the other never leaves.
i wanted more, but i could settle for one day of predictabilty.