How I Know

it hurts a little bit less today.
my dreams last night were free of you.
i can smile and it reaches my eyes.
my heartbeats don't echo anymore.
time is working her magic on my wounded soul.
that's how i know i'm getting over you!

my focus is back.
i can concentrate on work again.
my days don't drag on without end.
my mind doesn't race when i go to bed.
seasons are changing and so am i.
that's how i know i can live without you!

every song no longer reminds me of you.
i can laugh and enjoy a conversation now.
my tears have dried up.
i don't feel depressed anymore.
the roads are wide open.
that's how i know i will be okay!

three months ago i was devastated.
my heart torn into pieces.
my soul howling with pain.
every breathe a struggle.
i thought a day like today would never come, but it has.
and that's how i know loving you didn't kill me after all!

Half Asleep

half asleep on a sunday morning,
killing time waiting for you.
i've spent up all of my patience.
the clock is the only thing changing here.
another minute i wish you were here,
but i won't be the one breaking down.
if you miss me as much as i miss you,
swallow your pride and call me.

you're so stubborn and stupid.
you would freeze to death
before you'd reach out to me.
i have some love put aside for you,
but it's not going to last forever.
let go of your self-control.
allow yourself to indulge,
while someone is here that wants you.

feelings are a stranger to you.
you accuse me of feeling too much,
but i'd rather be a live wire
then a dead circuit no one needs.
i've put alot of effort into loving you.
all i wanted was a chance,
but you never gave me that.
i am done with the games you play.
you never told me the rules anyway.
so i've got to move on now.

you got your righteous pride
and i've got a broken heart.
you think you're always right
and this time i think you're wrong.
no one could've loved you better,
but no matter what i do or say it's never enough.
i'm dropping my extra baggage
and picking up some optimism.

half asleep on a sunday afternoon,
realizing it's time to surrender.
i don't know what's to come,
but i know i won't be sharing it with you.
i have to build a future without you.

Plain View

that's weird!
i searched frantically for you just yesterday.
i dug through my purse like a hopped up crack head
and i didn't see you.
i pulled out everything and you weren't there.
i just put something new in my purse
and there you were in plain view!

this is happening now all the time.
i'm tearing my house apart
looking for somethingi can't live without.
i get so bent out of shape about every little thing.
i work myself up into a panicked frenzy,
but the object i desire eludes me.
so i give up and i move on.
then two days later i see you in plain view,
but i don't need you anymore.

i'd laugh at myself if i wasn't crying already.
is someone playing games with me?
i worry about flipping out
and when i can't figure this out
i freak thinking insanity is coming to nest.
that my brain is turning into a charlie sheen mess.
God, help me, i'm going crazy!

do they go to another dimension?
maybe they come to life and move when i'm not home,
like in the movies.
it's really bothering me.
if it had been a snake it would have bitten me.

maybe i'm going blind
or developing selective sight.
but i can't find anything when i need it the most.
what's in plain view becomes concealed,
like it's wearing an invisibility cloak!
So weird!!!

Dim

i wish life was easy for me.
i've used up all my get out of jail free cards.
now i'm watching the clock wind down.
i'm not sure if dying would be such a bad thing,
since the life i'm living isn't much.
only two people would miss me anyways.

i've put myself on cruise control.
my mind is playing tricks on me.
i thought i already wrote this down,
but the piece of paper couldn't be found.

i hate every day now.
i want to change, as long as it's free.
today i can't afford to exist.
every breath costs me fify cents.
i'm ready to go out of business.
it's time to close out this mess.

i'm not big on optimism.
i wallow in misery.
my happy dreams dangle in front of me,
like a carrot on a stick to a horse.
i keep stepping forward with no ambition.
i know i'll never win.
losing has become my best friend.

i don't know where this is going.
i swear i had a point when i began.
but it fled my brain and now the ink runs red.
i wish i could be brilliant,
but my light has always been set to dim.

Rapid Cycling

yet another day wasted in the abyss of nothing.
my sense of accomplishment unmet.
i prep for a night of bitter disappointment.
i am unfulfilled in all the roles life has cast me in.
the one i miss the most doesn't want me.

i try not to bore with my whine and tears.
even when i sneeze it's clear that no one cares.
not a single "bless you" is spoken.
silence is my new surround sound.

i've worn out the welcome mat.
i know you'll never ask me to come back.
i already tried to bridge our great divide
and i fell completely flat.

i built us in a day.
you tore us down in a minute.
the rapid cycling left me breathless.
the internet feeds on desparation and lonliness.

time is already marching on.
each hour brings me closer to another dawn.
one morning i'll awake
and no longer will you take a single thought in my day.
this is only the third time you've crossed my mind today.

i will get back up on the web,
and cast out my net once again.
hoping my last catch lasts,
but with the speed of a heart
and a few clicks of a mouse;
i have a hunch it won't be long until i'm back to single status again.

Hello My Dear

hello my dear.
don't you fear.
mommy will always be near.
sleep tight baby of mine
sweet dreams, beautiful child.

hello my dear.
your grades are dreary.
your attitude blustery.
and your mouth full of mockery.
teenager of mine,
please rewind back to sweet child.

hello my dear.
a new phase is here.
no longer little and scared.
you are fully grown,
but not ready to be on your own.
daughter i love you.
rest easy today, the day of your birth.

hello my dear.
it's time for me to be clear.
twenty years have passed.
it's time to get off your lazy ass.
get a job to pay your way.
i say this with love,
but with firmness i swear
it's 24 and out the door for you my dear.

Scheduled Twinkies

i can't clear my brain long enough to have a thought.
pain envelopes everything i got.
i'd swallow a river of pills to drown my diseased bod.

my life is divided into the happy and the pain.
i spend more time on the dark side of my brain.
scattered to the wind on impulses whim,
i have no control when i'm without him.

i'm staring down the barrel of misery.
wondering when life will blow up in my hands.
one hour i'm up and then six i'm down.
i'm biding my time until i crash and burn.

i'm torching pieces of my soul as i go.
tearing into my reasons like fresh twinkies,
i devour what's left of my control.
i line up all my happy thoughts along the wall,
i execute them one by one until they're gone.

i wish i could block off my emotions,
like blocks of time on my calendar.
i could schedule my breakdowns inbetween meetings.
i'd pick Monday's to be perky.
Tuesday's I could be moody.
Wednesday could be neutral ground.
Thursday's I can space out a bit.
Friday I'd be down with it.
Saturday's I'd be the toast of the town.
And Sunday I'd wrap up and hide in my tears.

My mind is controlled by a remote I don't have access to.
so I go around surprising everyone.
even i get exasperated by how my mood turns on a dime.
i try to selectively remember the good times,
but the bad ones are on an infinite loop.

my pain and my fear eclipse what joy i come by.
pain and love hurt me the same.
one i can avoid and the other never leaves.
i wanted more, but i could settle for one day of predictabilty.

Please Go Home

please go home, i'm tired now.
i don't want to be your playmate.
i am worn down by all the lies.
i need to take back what's mine.
please go home, i'm talked out.

seasons shift and fade away.
winter's here but it's warm as spring.
my heart is frozen over.
there's no more room for you.
you're hatred is swimming through my spine.
you'll never be out of me.

please go home, i'm sick now.
i am falling deep into blackness.
i don't see a way out this time.
i loved you for all the wrong reasons.
please go home, i'm exhausted.

please go home, leave me alone.
we wanted different things.
i can't watch this tradgedy unfold.
please go home, i don't love you.

Naked All the Time

i'm not in the mood to play today.
you're so fine, i want to make you mine.
but you are unaware that i'm still here.
i'm too full of fear to make a move.
i try to chase away the doubt with a few dozen beers,
but i'm still sitting on the couch.

i don't know how to make our lives intersect.
if i'm bold and take the leap,
rejection's cold sting will make me weep.
no one is perfect, but i bet you come close.
i'd love to be the only one to tell you so.

i'm fond of the clinical approach.
i've searched the web for the best antedotes.
i'm coming up with a plan to force fate's hand.
of course, i'd understand if i am disappointed.
the objects of my desire usually fail to live up to the hype.

but it's all in my mind,
you running around naked all the time.
i dare not risk my own exposure.
i don't even know if you remember me.
the years have been kinder to you then me,
but i'm not who i used to be.

we aren't kids anymore.
i could never tell you then
and it appears i can't tell you now,
that i wanted to be more to you
then the brat who lives down the road.
but i've never been brazen
when it comes to dumping my emotional loads.

i still walk around naked all the time.
you used to tell on me for that.
now there's just more of me,
and i doubt you'd enjoy looking at it.
so i'll keep my little fantasies to myself.
and ever so often, check in on you from afar.

if fate wants to play with me,
maybe it can find a way to have us meet again.
but until then i have to wait
and have another beer.
just sitting here on the couch, naked again,
me and my fears.

Ode to Headaches

welcome back, headache, my detested friend.
your presence is turning into day long visits.
i ponder if i will ever mend.
your demands becoming more persistant.

i turn off the lights.
i lay down in the darkness.
i give up the fight.
i embrace your nothingness.

ever since my budding womanhood you've existed.
the pain and the pressue unrelenting.
you've interrupted every moment of my life.
you have become medication resistant.
you come and go without me consenting.
will only death end my strife?

The Frequency of Silence

i run behind on everything.
when i know the end is near,
i can count the frequency of silence on both hands.

akward moments of quiet.
stares fixated on the floor.
feet shuffling towards the door.
the beating of my heart fills my ears.
i'm in tune with the frequency of silence.

hushed tones when i walk in.
people trying to look busy.
their eyes avert mine.
the sound of my breath on the air.
i know the frequency of silence well.

i missed a class on how not to be an ass.
i can remember every faux pas
that resulted in no sounds.
i'm well aquainted with the frequency of silence.

Two Percent

caught up in my emotional hurricane,
never stopping to take a break.
one day i'm going to cave.
trying to hold up against the storm.
board up the windows and lock the doors.
i just got to wait until it fades.

no amount of prayer can bail me out.
the damage is all around me
and i can't find a way out.
i pick up the pieces
and try to clean up after myself,
but at the end of the day i am not done.
i worry it'll never be okay.

the clock has run out on me.
i can try but never do.
the rain pours down on me.
my inner winds never die down.
i've built up a person
i can't support.
there's nothing i can do,
but watch it all burn.

caught up in the wildfire of my mistakes.
unable to see through the smoke.
i'm trying to put out my misery,
but it's only two percent contained.
trying to hold off the collapse,
but the firing is rolling in,
and i don't have enough to put out the flames.
this the day i finally cave!

Basic

i entertain naughty thoughts
you and i torq'd and twisted
flesh upon flesh
heat and sweat
wrapped up in sheets
tangled from our heads to our feet

i feel your need for me against my knee
simplicity meets desire
when we come together
we create an animalistic primal fire
i cannot resist your touch

passion is ample
our minds take a back seat
we cruise on our chemical reactions
love isn't the building block
it's more basic then that
our breath's co-mingle
heart's beating rapidly
we stay in bed until noon

i hold you against my breasts
i gently stroke your chest
both of us wonder what comes next
i fear what we have here
won't sustain us
after the basic need are met
there's nothing left.

Pretty I am Not

Pretty I am not.
a jester i had caught.
love and laughter self-taught.
but flowers you bring me not.

liar i am.
covered in i can'ts.
you only cheat.
but you i choose to keep.

inappropriate words i spoke.
took away all of your rope.
stole and hid your hopes.
offered you a coke.
but you choked.

filled with ego.
stoked your fires.
poked you so you'd go.
got it as good as you gave it.
but no one forgets it.

you had an itch to scratch.
i had sharp nails.
you gave me your back.
about gave me a heart attack.
but i kept coming back.

Unrelenting Sorrow

the brightest tomorrow can come undone by unrelenting sorrow.
i miss you my friend.
my heart won't stop crying.
my misery knows no end.

the blue sky mocks me.
the sunny weather taunts me.
the world doesn't stop
because you broke my heart.

the happiest memory isn't enough to dispel this unrelenting sorrow.
i cannot contain my pain.
my soul is burning.
all my joy has fled.

children's laughter rings hollow in my ears.
a baby's cooing brings me despair.
no one cares
that you broke my heart.

this unrelenting sorrow won't ever let me go.
so i sit here and mope.

High on Hope

like the randomness of my ipod on shuffle,
i chose you to hold my heart in your hands.
i held my breath waiting for you to come around.
i passed out starved from the lack of your attention.
in that second of oblivion i was floating, high on hope.
i came to and found hope had run itself into the ground.

it seems like i'm always on hold with you.
i'm not sure if you do it intentionally.
you aren't aware of the impact of your words,
and you think i'm clueless.
you're absurdly beyond oblivious.
i think you need some help!

like my dog sniffing for the perfect spot to poop,
you can't figure out why i feel like your dumping ground.
i mention my emotions to you
and you hijack the conversation to make it about you.
i'm trying to get a grip on what you want,
but i keep running out of rope with you.

it seems clear to me now.
you can't see me without the overlay of your ex's worst attributes.
the silhouettes are blurry to you.
and i'm sorry you're too blinded by the past
to see the future we could've had.
i think i'm getting help!

i was high on hope, but now i'm just depressed and alone!

Lead the Way

i'm taking your hand.
i'm letting you lead the way.
you're so sure of the path we are on.
i'm letting go of my doubts and fears.
i'm taking this leap of faith.
i'm hoping we land on solid ground unscathed.

perfection is just flaws you can live with.
love alters your vision.
i no longer see errors when i look at you.
i never want to come down from this high.
i'm flying through the air on this trapeze
with no safety net to catch me.

i'm spinning around on a dance floor.
you're leading the way.
your confidence eases my insecurities.
i can say i love you while looking you in the eyes.
i'm taking this as a good sign.
i pray for years of happiness to come.

affection is a choice you make to show
your love holds no hostages.
i no longer hesitate when you reach for me.
i never want this feeling to end.
i'm jumping from the airplane
with no parachute to break my fall.

i'm not hung up on uncertainties.
i'm letting you lead the way.
every day i wake up knowing you're the one.
i'm finally breaking away from my chains.
i know now you can't plan love out!

Confession

it's time for my confession.
forgive me father for i have sinned.
now, i'm not a catholic,
but i still believe.
even when life sucks i have faith.
faith, that someday there will be a better day.

i'm not perfect.
i follow my heart to the point
where it damages my soul.
i think too much
and i feel even more.

i allow doubt to take over
and i take his name in vain.
i say Jesus in hushed tones,
for no reason,
i don't know if he's the answer to everything.

i get upset when people refuse to make a decision,
because their prayers have not been answered.
Ain't nothing wrong with praying,
but i was taught God's a guiding star
and not a work horse.

if you're disappointed in me,
i don't think hail Mary's will fix it.
and which bible is truly God's word?
which translation is without flaw?

i am full of repentance,
but i repeat my mistakes.
so i believe i remain unforgiven,
until the lesson finally takes.
my heart wishes more then it should.

i've fornicated outside of marriage.
i enjoy the company of men.
i gave birth before i was wed,
but i don't think i'm damned.
it's merely an incomplete portrait of the woman i am.
I hope God understands, one day, i'll figure it out.

i confess i'm not perfect,
but i hope you get that.
i love you.
i believe one day, i'll forgive me.
and God and I will be able to agree,
that i am good enough for him.

No Room

a little effort goes a long way.
i don't see you trying to mend your ways.
you build up hopes on false pretenses.
i got caught up in a future that will never exist.
maybe it's time to give up.

throw my hands in the air.
i surrender, my dear.
you have what you need.
there's no room for me.
i'm taking what's left of my heart
and making a new start.

a little contrition would be appreciated.
i don't understand how you sleep at night.
i have some forgiveness left,
but i don't think you've earned it yet.
maybe it's time to quit.

throw your pictures in the trash.
i'm going to let you crash.
you have your routine.
there's no room in it for me.
i'm taking what's left of my pride
and i'm finding another ride.

Jigsaw

the red upon the wall.
the blue shifting across the skies.
the thoughts crawling in my mind.
the feelings rushing up my spine.
the music driving my hands.
i'm a piece to a puzzle.
no one knows how i go together.

those words i utter make them gape and stare.
such a sweet girl.
so lost.
so confused.
every time they say it i laugh until i cry.
this myth that proceeds me turns on others sympathy.

people around me lay it out thick as molasses.
our society loves the tragic stories.
the community needs a rally
and i'm the cause of the day.
a precious soul that needs to be saved.
so grab a ribbon, it's a parade!
i smile big for the camera,
so every one can get a perfect picture.

they'll beg and cry for someone to tell them my secrets.
but i never told a soul.
i held on to myself and performed so many other roles.
no one knows.
i walked until i wore out the sole of my shoes.
i abandoned all of them,
but they were smothering me.

now their fear is at it's worst.
the concern for me overwhelming them.
i went and lost myself for real this time.
but now i have to play another role
to justify my abandonment of them.
i'll shift the blame away from me,
but no one believes me.
and for the first time i fall on my face.
an utter disgrace.

they have to admit they are sick of my games.
they'll have to admit me,
but they need to convince me.
i was never an angel,
but to them i have fallen out of the sky.
their pain is real, but i still don't think i have to explain why.

Bugs

driving down this endless road,
my hand out the window,
trying to catch the wind.
the bugs sting my palm as their
guts stain my hand red.
i try to focus on the lights ahead,
but the darkness swallows them one by one.

i keep running.
i don't know why.
i'm not searching for anything,
because i know there's nothing to find.
i think as little as possible.
i'll stop running when my pain ends.
but i don't know when that'll be.

i keep my head down as the strangers walk past.
my eyes have secrets and
i keep my secrets to myself.
i'd seek forgiveness for my sins
if i thought my soul was worth it.

i keep running.
i never get tired of the path.
i circle around when i get to a dead end.
i know my running will never end.
i can't out run this pain i'm in.

if i dare to remember the pain rips me in half.
there's too many emotional bombs set to go off in my past.
relflection gets me nothing but misery.
i'm neck deep in fake sympathy.
no one understands, so i keep running.
until one day i pray my pain will end.

Mirror, Mirror on the Ceiling

Mirror, Mirror on my ceiling, how should I be feeling?
is it hatred?
is it disgust?
is it fear?
have i been busted?
Mirror, Mirror on my ceiling, how should I be feeling?

i want to know where this road goes.
i need an answer for the questions haunting my soul.
doubt swirls in my heart.
i hate myself.
i confess, i hate myself.
what's next?

i love me.
i am pretty.
i keep telling myself these lies.
but the truth screams at me day and night.
hope is drowned out.
i buy the books.
i watch the shows.
i take the happy pills.
i'm still broken.
fix me.

Mirror, Mirror on my ceiling, what should i be feeling?
is it despair?
is it grief?
is it confusion?
have i been abandoned?
Mirror, Mirror on my ceiling, what should i be feeling?

Good Mood

despite a bittersweet birthday i'm in a good mood.
i feel like the dark clouds have parted
and i can see the sun again.
i got everything i physically need
and even though i miss my mom;
i feel as if she's watching over me from the great beyond.

it's rare for me to be truly happy.
content and optimistic aren't normal for me,
but today i'm blessed.
a good mood has set in
and even the approaching dental appointment
can't damper my happy go lucky spirit.

welcome sunshine and sixty degree weather.
bring on singing birds,
budding flowers and trees,
my allergy and sinus sneezes please.
it's all a wonderful package.
the good, the bad.
the happy, the sad.
today i'm so jazzed.
nothing can take away the good mood i'm in today!

Fades Out

love is a miracle.
fold it up like a paper airplane,
throw it into the air to see how far it flies,
but eventually it'll fall out of the sky.

no on can keep the spark alive forever.
love is like the tide, it ebbs and flows.
everyone want to keep the magic in endless supply,
but nobody knows how.
so time kills more then just your body,
it takes a toll on your love.
the heartstrings get out of tune,
and your love song fades out into oblivion.

Center of Gravity

i'm trying to find a rhyme
for all these thoughts
running through my mind.
i can't quit.
i can't stop.
even though i feel like i've been run over by a truck.

i'm unbalanced,
trying to capture some levity,
taking apart my center of gravity.
i won't give up.
i won't lose it.
even though i have no friends.

i'm alone on a day of love,
no one to hold,
just like so many years ago.
i can't lie.
i can't cry.
even though i'd like to try.

please help me find my center of gravity.
i'm falling apart,
falling down, losing heart.