Fertile with Faith

i have some crazy wishes
like a dog on a leash
my desires keep me chained to you
the pleasures you give me keep me here

i long for the safety of being alone
love always conquers rational thought
i want to run but i can't escape
i'd miss you and that makes me the fool
every where i go you're near me

my actions contradict my words
i say i'm letting you go
that i can't forgive you
but your siren song lures me back again

you are wrapped up like a pretty gift
i long to open you
i'm fertile with faith
and i'm ready to be your baby once more
your mannerisms shift and again i'm out in the cold

How it Really Works

The best is yet to come, no it's not.
that's what they tell you when you're young
to keep the suicide rate low.
by the time you figure out that being adult sucks
you've got obligations,
like kids, and you stick it out for them,
but they sense your quiet desperation.
that's why we all grow up so fucked up.
deep down we know this is it.
there are no second chances.
there's no reverse or do overs.
and very few succeed or realize their dreams.

i know what negativity can do to a human brain.
mine is wasting away.
i've reinforced my own flaws
and now i'm passing them on.
the cycle seldom breaks.
i'm not the best, the greatest, or the most smartest.
i can live with that.
i get by, but what kills me is the lonely nights.
i feel so worthless lying in bed alone.
no one to hold.
one night stands or brief affairs fail to satisfy this ache.
my heart wants to love and be loved.
i fight it so damn hard because it's so damn corny.

but that's how life really works.
it's not just wanting something but letting yourself have it.
if the past is a glimpse into the future then i'm screwed.
cause i will fuck it up like i usually do.
most men can't handle my emotional pendulum.
i'd pray, but right now i'm mad at God.
i don't think he's listening to me.
i'm starting to wonder if it's all a gimmick
to get society to conform.
i guess the question isn't answered until you are dead.
so i'll pray again and again
and maybe one day God will listen to me again.

Past the Point of Super Glue

i'm in a cage built with my own hands
time slipped by me unaccounted for
one day i was young the next day i was old
tricks of light made me thingk i was getting somewhere
but i've not gone anywhere

until the end i'll be going backwards
i'm caught up in what i ought to be
i never dreamed i'd fall so short
and just how badly failure hurts

on the outside no one is looking in
i'm invisible without any friends
i hang out on the fringes of normal
i know their language but i'm not fluent in it

i'm not accepted but i'm not outright rejected
so i dangle over this line
knowing someday i'll drop and die
so many mistakes i put them in my scrapbook
the pictures remind me why my heart keeps getting broken

i'm shattered into so many pieces that i'm past the point of super glue
i want what i will never have
i see it but i never get to feel it
but i can fake it for a little while
but then i get tired
until the end this is who i've always been

Break Me

it's just another song
another destiny unfullfilled
i'm the one left behind
i keep searching but time is coming after me
i'll end up in the ground with all my dreams still floating around

my heart is beating
my mind is thinking
but i'm circling the wheel
never further in this cycle then before
my passage blocked by invisible fears
i'm not clever enough to break free
i want to break me

it's nothing new
it's everywhere
my orginality is a figment of my imagination
i am what you see
it's a joke to think i'd be more
i gather these doubts like flowers
and arrange them to seem less
but there's alway more to be found

my heart is dying
my mind is lying
but i move as if nothing is wrong
i'm always keeping fantasy between me and the brickwall
i'll crash and burn someday
but let me have this moment of denial
because i think i can break free
i think i can break me

break me down to the beginning
collapse my illusions
let me find my inner friend
break me so i know how to heal
break me so i cry until it no longer hurts
break me until i'm free
let me break free of all these memories haunting me

Backlog of Debt

i miss being young and full of hope
life's highway has taken me to some strange places
they holy ghost closed his eyes and
broke his arms trying to hold me

i thought i could coast through life
leaving nights with a stranger's kiss unscathed
but i forgot that with every promise not kept
you build up a backlog of debt

every day i grew further from the truth
i let thousands of regrets go unchecked
my ocean of nothingness became hard
i began to linger where i wasn't wanted
i was sailing at full speed on low tide
fading away into a lonely existence

my heart is empty now
from the distance i look normal
but the closer you get the less you see
i've scattered too many pieces of my soul
to every hope to be whole

i watch the light go out of the sky
night brings the darkness i know
i am lost in my own thoughts
i am trying to right my course
but my compass spins endlessly

there's no closure to be found
i seek solance for a damaged soul
God doesn't speak to me anymore
i see my scars against the stars
my battle is a bit of dust in a giant's eye

i used to be able to pretend i don't care
but now i feel every stare
i wrap up my thoughts without consequences
the path i take from here is the one i fear
because today i dare to change

Simple and Sweet

simple and sweet is a beautiful sunset
all the colors swirl around me
i am finding my zen again

days can drag on until years have disappeared
my memories play tricks on me
i get stuck in yesterdays and i miss
living the tomorrows

i lost my place but i'm slowly getting back on track
i was letting life lead me
now i'm ready to take the lead
i am with the program now

simple and sweet is a baby's laugh
all of list has to offer surrounds me
i am me again!

Envy the Dog

the dog stares at me while i work
she's outside chilling and i'm inside working
she has the right ideal about today

it's beautiful outside and she wants to play
but i have to work on the computer
and she doesn't understand
doggy food doesn't come free

her nana has to pay the bills
oh, today is on of thosse days
where i envy my dog!!!

Life is Simple

sweet sunshine pouring down on me
all the problems float away
there's no one here to rain on my parade
i'm inhaling the fragrant scents of nature's products.
this is a moment of bliss.

i'm not going to fight you anymore.
i'm letting go of your ghost today.
i said a prayer to forgive us both.
these memories are being packed away.
finally,, i feel like my old self again.

the birds are singing a joyful song.
all my worries have disappeared.
no on can steal my uplifted spirit.
i'm embracing every simple miracle i see.
this is a moment of victory.

i'm focused on righting my wrongs.
i'm enjoying life without guilt bring me down.
i feel a peace descend upon my soul.
these days of contentment are here to stay.
finally, i've overcome my own prison.

life is simple, people make it hard.

The Pills

the doc says i'm too low
i thought i had everybody sold
on my i'm a happy person routine
it might not be in my head
the answer is in my blood
thank you God, there's a pill to cure this

my aches and pains multiply
but one pill can take them away
where do i sign to be free?
i'll take what i can,
anything to feel healthy again.

the family is worried
there are too many pill bottles
i have to sort them
and pop them twice a day now.
if this is freedom baby,
why do i sleep all day?

i exchanged my pain for crutches
i can't move without a pill
i carry them everywhere
i swear they do me good
but i still hurt.
i still cry at night.
maybe i'm not alright.

How Bad can Hell be?

you shook me to my epicenter.
as i rebuild myself from the ruins,
i worry about possible aftershocks.
you've been quiet for awhile,
but in the back of my mind,
there is a whisper, he'll be coming back around.
i don't think i can withstand another encounter with you.
i'm thinking it's time to change my number and move.

paranoia isn't pretty
and maybe it's more likely my pride
telling me you aren't done with me,
because you left so abruptly.
i have to steel myself against your charms.
i have another demon to slay.

i found out a secret.
it is killing me to keep it.
but it's not my story to tell.
and i'm afraid i'll cause damage
and i do adore this person so much.
they are good and warm and friendly.
all this work on becoming a better person is exhausting.

how bad can hell be if entry to heaven is so hard to attain?
i've broken at least 7 of the 10 commandments so far.
i commit 2 out of the 7 sins on a regular basis.
is it the little sins that add up that doom you?
or is it the real big ones just being done once that get you?
Is God an all or nothing type?
it hurts my head to linger on such matters.

i've got to balance myself again.
i fall so easily on the slightest whim.
i cut myself over and over again.
when is the lesson learned?
my whole life has been filled with trials and hardships.
i have to break my bad habits.
I can't love you ever again!

An Empty Tank

a thursday afternoon will never be as good as a saturday one,
just like i'll never be the right one.
the fate's have been funny and cruel to me.
i fall in love and it falls through.
he moves on and his next love sticks,
while i get older and lonlier by the minute.

my cup always needs refilled.
i'm never half of anything.
i'm all or nothing all the time,
but no matter how many times i falter,
i go on to the next one with hopeful optimism.

i'm the girl no one remembers.
i sail through life riding every little wave like it's my last.
but i sink fast and no one rewards me.
if i could unlock my full potential, i'd be a saint,
but i'll never get anywhere,
because i'm always running on an empty tank.

Weekend

cram it all in,
keep your head down,
and race the clock to get ahead.
your whole world holds its breath
in antcipation of a long weekend.

don't ask any questions,
they'll just open confusion's door.
5 pm is the goal.
sooner is better, later is not an option.
you have plans and hopes for this weekend.

the work week sucks you dry.
the light dims behind your eyes
you need down time to unwind,
to live your passions,
and regnite the light inside.

you give more then you have.
it's time to take some back.
kick back and relax,
let the world spin without you for a minute.
nothing will explode if you don't open your e-mail.
the weekend is here
and it doesn't last forever.

no one expect more from you then you do.
cut yourself some slack.
life is brief and eternity is endless.
pick and choose your moments
and keep the weekend for yourself.
you've earned it so enjoy it!

Deformed

i am deformed.
my scars are too big to hide.
their ugliness fills others with shame.
they avert their eyes away from me.
cut me, dissect me, take me apart
they try so hard to find my soul,
but it escaped from me a long time ago.

emotions bounce around me.
my emptiness swallows the sounds.
i have tried to hide in plain sight,
but someone always finds me out.
i don't belong.
i am not normal.

i've never experienced perfection.
my life is more instant karma then walking on sunshine.
i get kicked even after i am already down.
i can't recall a happy ending.
there has always been someone ruining it.

i am deformed.
my heart has turned to stone.
i've passed on many opportunities,
those people reaching out to fix me.
analyze me, medicate me, pray for me
they try so hard to reach my soul,
but its not home, it abandoned me a long time ago.

A Perfect Afternoon

the wind is blowing through me,
like an invisible lover, it caresses me.
i raise my head towards the sunshine.
i close my eyes and savor the warmth.
i've been so cold for too long.

i inhale deeply the scent of summer air.
i walk barefoot on the damp grass.
i had forgotten how it tickles.
i've missed the leaves on the trees
and how it seems they are whispering to me,
when the wind blows through them.

the rain has stayed for far too long.
the dirt no longer can hold it all.
the clouds move quickly,
like they are in a hurry to pass me by.
i know the weather will be changing soon.
here in Ohio it always does,
but i'm enjoying this, a perfect afternoon.

Back Home

every fall i hear the call to go back home.
where i know all the back roads.
i take it all for granted
that i'll always be wanted back home.

the place and his face are showing their age.
i can't replace either of them.
the thought of either coming to an end distresses me,
but i know nothing and no one lasts forever.

i want to go back home.
where there are wide open spaces,
familiar friendly faces,
and a place to call my own.

i'm tired of seeing lights instead of stars.
the smell of gasoline,
the noice of traffic rumbling,
and people overflow everywhere i go.
all of this makes me miss the quiet back home.

back home the night is truly black,
the stars shine brightly,
and the crickets sing their songs loudly.
there's a peace and a calm that I only find back home.

sitting on a porch swing, drinking lemonade,
and watching the flowers grow seemed so mundane,
but now that i'm older,i find it quaint.
as every year goes by, i want to drive back home to stay.

i couldn't wait to leave.
the little town was suffocating me.
i thought bigger was better, but i was wrong.
nothing here makes me feel better,
but when i go home i feel settled.

my new goal is to go back home.
i want to be close to the earth
and mess around in the dirt.
i want to remember to enjoy every minute
before it is gone.
i'm going back home!

My Beloved

i'm writing this instead of calling you.
i think you've destroyed me.
all my desire is gone.
i am cured of hope.
faith has forsaken me.
i can't help but think of you.
i know you've heard it all before
and i'm letting you fight your own war.

if you're hurting so am i.
i don't want to make you love me,
but i'd forgive it all,
if you could just love me a little bit.

i scared you and i scared me too.
i just don't want to close the door on us.
i was so disappointed that you didn't want more with me.
i had hoped time would bring you around.
i am confused.
and i'm hurt, but one day i hope you realize,
you don't have to look anymore,
because i'm right here waiting on you.

i should try to give you a little more.
i should've seen it coming.
i guess my loving you wasn't enough.
i'm slowly getting my closure.
you took a hammer to my heart
and killed the best parts of me.

i doubted your resolve.
i know i'll get over you.
but i don't think i'm ever going to open up again,
the way i opened up to you.
you know all my secrets.
i guess that's why it hurts so much!

Ten Minutes

you're sticking to me closer then the plague on my teeth.
you're spreading over my life like a contagious disease.
we met for ten minutes and i can't get rid of you!

everything changed in one heart beat.
a chance meeting, two hearts beating,
there are pheromones in the air,
eye contact made, chemistry collides,
smiles exchanged, coy under currents,
but the moment passes in a second.

i keep seeing you every where i go.
i ponder, can there be so many coincidences?
at first i would smile, then i would nod,
but after awhile, you became part of the scenery.
a flight of fancy or just a road not taken.
another part of a boring routine.

the tragedy erupts and unfurls furiously.
a rush to judgement in the name of justice.
it's all the contemporary rage,
run his undies up the flag pole.
declare your victory now the evil is gone.

pile up the evidence and put away your conscience.
backed into a corner you fought it out.
no one blames you for what you had to do.
so why can't you eat?
and why when you close your eyes,
you are back to those ten minutes?

he'll haunt you for the rest of your life.
a random stranger latched on to you
and your whole peaceful world came unglued.
ten minutes was all it took
to know how it feels to go to hell and back!

Brickwall

wrong is wrong
right is right
how simple
how strong

somewhere along the road
confusion set in
logic fled
and you heart turned cold

black is black
white is white
how obvious
how clear

once upon a time we loved
the signals got lost
you got turned around
and i hit a brickwall

love is love
life is life
how sweet
how easy

i couldn't see what i had
you couldn't wait for nothing
our tower of lies crumbled
and we destroyed each other

a rose is a rose
a thorn is a thorn
how true
how pure

today i see it all clearly
like i couldn't see it before
i was scared
and you believed me when i told you i didn't love you anymore.

good bye is forever
the truth is a lie
how final
how me

it takes only seconds
to rip apart years
i want you second
and you were right to leave

Randomness

i have found strength when i thought i had none.
i took a leap of faith when i fell in love with you.
my past stunted my growth,but my future has appeared.

why can't i be brilliant?

i think it is time to get back on the horse.
i need to lasso my imperfections,
put the proverbial horse back in the barn.

i remember what matters.
i have to learn to want what i already have.
perfection and human are contradictions.

all my random thoughts tackle me.
peace has come at last.
i succumb to the darkness within me.
now it is time to sleep.

The Gnat

out of the blue, you decide to clear the air.
you lay out before me all your errors.
the curtains are pulled back
and i see your reflection in my eyes.

you tell me, i'm the answer to your prayers.
you bring me poppies and chocolates.
i think it's time for my daddy to have a chat with you.

you show me my name tattoo'd over your heart.
you show me us in pictures where we are laughing
like a happy family,
but it doesn't change what you did.

your unfaithfulness is like a gnat,
it flies around us, and we are just waving it off,
but we can't kill it.
i ease back in the recliner.
i'm trying to find the right words,
but i'm overwhelmed with my disappointment in you.

you see the light leave my eyes.
i think we are both surprised.
i'm not angry.
i think we just ran out of love.

i'll help you pack.
you can tell everyone we ran out of steam.
there is no one to blame.
we can just quietly fade away!

Rerun

you run around screaming mine
like a dog chewing on its favorite bone.
you could pee on everything you own.
it's not going to stop me from going home.

i've seen all i need to see.
you have issues that really bother me.
you treat yourself like a king
and the whole world is here to please you.
i'm not your servant, so see ya!

you started this freak show.
i got caught up in the carnival.
your life is a full circus tent on fire.
i'd rather be married to an elephant
then listen to your bullshit another minute.

i don't need time to reconsider.
you aren't my burden.
you don't have your name in your underwear anymore,
so be a big boy and grow a set.
i didn't sign on to be your mother!
you don't get it.

i'd rather be alone
then be expected to bow to you.
so, go back to the web
and lie about yourself again.

your looks get you bites to reel the women in,
but the bait and switch that you do
will end up just like this;
you lying, her saying good bye loser,
it's a story you've lived hundreds of times before.

here's a toast to your happy ending.
i tip my hat to your unending quest
to find a woman whose so broken and blind
she'd love you for the rest of her life.
i'm changing the channel.
i've already seen this rerun!

Vacation

i'm clueless when it comes to men.
i'd rather be lonely then end up with him.
i set the bar too low.
i'm just amazed at how low it can go.
i'm listening to a foreign language
trying to make sense of it,
but it's giving me a headache.
i want to shut down my brain.
i think that would get rid of all my pain.

i'd point the finger at the person to blame,
but i would just be pointing at myself.
i need to find a new way to cope.
the pills and the booze aren't getting it done.
i need to run away from myself.
a vacation from my own neurotic tendencies,
that would be perfect, as long as i went without me.

i spin myself in circles.
i cover the same ground over and over.
i need a change of pace.
a new place with no memories.
i could look around without being haunted,
but i'm broke, so getting away is a joke.
i'll just buy a pretty painting and
jump into to it instead.
that is the closet i'll get to escaping from here.

Another Person

monday afternoon and i'm sitting at work
with nothing to do, wondering how i'll make do,
life threw me under the bus.
i yelled and cussed, but nothing brings you back,
so i hunker down to wait out the pain;
hoping another will come along and sweep me away.
i wish i was another person.

i send up a prayer to the big man upstairs
asking if he'll put my heart together again,
but all it does is rain. so i think he doesn't know my name.
even God thinks i'm lame.
i'm convinced if the sun would shine,
i could set aside this depression of mine,
but mostly, i wish i could be another person.

it's monday afternoon and i'm on my fourth pop.
i'm hoping to never sleep again.
the night isn't my friend, it just bring you back to me,
but only in my dreams.
the mornings are cruel and i don't know what to do.
if only i could be another person,
like the woman you left me for,
yeah, i wish i was her.

Stray Bullet

i'm packing up the emotional baggage you left me
i'm unloading all the crap you piled on me
the sky is clear and blue
there's too much living for me to do
for me to waste away hanging on to you.

good bye, simple and complete.
i've taken your memories and set them free.
i know you no longer think of me.
now it's time for me to say Good bye.

you ripped into me like a stray bullet from a drive by
and now i'm the one picking at the scabs.
i broke myself down, wiped myself clean.
now i'm rebuilding myself better then before.

i'm throwing away the pictures.
i've deleted all the digital links between us.
the sun is shining and it's warm,
i've got myself jazzed to be alive.
there's no more reasons to cry.

good bye, no conditions or exceptions.
i've turned off my misery.
i was struggling like a person on crutches
and it was weighing me down with sorrow.
i feel jubilant and buoyant.
now that i am focused on tomorrow.

good bye to you and your critical world.
good bye to you for good!

Embracing the Small Stuff

i'm finding thoughts that linger.
i'm feeling emotions in slow motion.
my eyes are catching every glimmer of hope.
is this how a microbe feels under a microscope?

i'm seeing every subtle shade of color.
my nose is smelling every scent in the air.
i stare at my hand in wonder as it moves like magic.
the world is like a gift i've just opened.
the best of life is in embracing the small stuff.

i've been lackadaisical in how i live.
i close my eyes and let my ears rediscover
every little sound my home utters.
the sound of a furnace running in May.
the music's melodic twists and turns.
the birds that sing and flutter around confused.
i am embracing every little noise like it's the first time i've ever heard it.

the nuances jump out at me today.
life is a delicate balance
wrapped up in a complicated yet perfect web.
i had feared myself lost to sorrow's kiss,
now i'm reborn with a joyous attitude.

the worry is gone and i feel strong.
doubt tries to insert itself but i resist it.
even if this epiphany is brief,
it's been the freshest breath of air i've ever breathed.
it has brought me tranquility.

i don't know where i'll be in five years,
and for once i don't care about it.
i have found a moment of complete calm
and i'm going to wallow in it,
happier then a pig in mud!