the slowness of a flame burning out.
the hole that gets dug too deep to fill.
the darkness that sends a chill up your spine.
the denial you cling to like a life preserver.
i felt it before i could see it.
we had passion and fire.
we burned brighter then a five alarm forest fire.
one day hot then the next day remote.
i had part of your heart, but baby i gave you all of mine!
the somber tones of a funeral dirge.
the ominous blues of a stormy summer sky.
the sudden drop in temperature as winter unfolds.
the hope you're wrong is strong.
i heard it in your voice before i saw you shut the door.
we had chemistry and joy.
we connected on levels envied by the heavens.
one day we were in sync the next day not even on the same page.
i had part of your heart, but baby you took all of mine!
the ordinary rut of the day.
the prayers you'll come back someday.
the loneliness strangling your happiness to death.
the loss of motivation to breathe.
i can still hear the echo of your car door closing.
we had love and friendship.
i knew the best how can i ever live without that.
this broken heart isn't even mine to keep.
i had a part of your heart, but baby you still have all of mine!
Friday, September 20, 2013
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Uninvited
cold and pale; i feel uninvited in my own flesh.
the sweat beads upon my breasts.
i toss and turn longing for rest.
i drink the medicine waiting for its bliss.
i long for numbness.
touching my face wondering who this stranger is;
i feel uninvited in my own soul.
tired and worn; i feel uninvited in my own skin.
the day fades and i shrink into my bed.
i hope and pray tomorrow is a better day.
i wrap myself up in the pills that promise.
i desire nothingness.
looking into my eyes i see emptiness;
i feel uninvited in my own heart.
bruised and used; i feel uninvited in my own flesh.
the days and nights get mixed up in my head.
i rise and rest with the whim of my disease.
i hunt for the miracle cure.
i need the darkness.
hearing my crying i taste my salty pain;
i feel uninvited in my own mind.
i feel so uninvited everywhere all the time; even in my own life.
the sweat beads upon my breasts.
i toss and turn longing for rest.
i drink the medicine waiting for its bliss.
i long for numbness.
touching my face wondering who this stranger is;
i feel uninvited in my own soul.
tired and worn; i feel uninvited in my own skin.
the day fades and i shrink into my bed.
i hope and pray tomorrow is a better day.
i wrap myself up in the pills that promise.
i desire nothingness.
looking into my eyes i see emptiness;
i feel uninvited in my own heart.
bruised and used; i feel uninvited in my own flesh.
the days and nights get mixed up in my head.
i rise and rest with the whim of my disease.
i hunt for the miracle cure.
i need the darkness.
hearing my crying i taste my salty pain;
i feel uninvited in my own mind.
i feel so uninvited everywhere all the time; even in my own life.
Let Love Be
i'm losing it. i'm falling apart, like leaves falling off the trees in the fall.
i'm losing it all. i feel barren, like the desert landscape in a calendar on a cubicle wall.
i can't think past this second.
this moment is swallowing me whole.
i'm stuck on a blank screen.
the hour glass is taunting me.
i feel wound up with no release.
i feel disconnected. i hear and see all that surround me, but none of it matters to me.
this mode i'm running in has me run down.
the cycle i'm pedaling through never seems to end.
i need a little motivation to break away and blow this monotony up.
i long for passion to take root and plant some chaos into my life.
my days aren't anything to remember.
i'm drowning in all this ordinary.
normal never suited me.
i know i hate the heartbreak when it ends, but sometimes the thrill is worth the crash landing.
these blues are making my world gray. it's daunting to force a change.
i keep looking around, but my eyes aren't ready to take anybody in.
all these people running around hooking up then breaking up looks like misery to me.
i need to win the war but these battles keep crushing my self-esteem.
sunshine and daisies were never my style and it never used to bother me.
is it age or loneliness taking their toll on me?
i wonder if it's time to give up and just let love be.
i'm losing it all. i feel barren, like the desert landscape in a calendar on a cubicle wall.
i can't think past this second.
this moment is swallowing me whole.
i'm stuck on a blank screen.
the hour glass is taunting me.
i feel wound up with no release.
i feel disconnected. i hear and see all that surround me, but none of it matters to me.
this mode i'm running in has me run down.
the cycle i'm pedaling through never seems to end.
i need a little motivation to break away and blow this monotony up.
i long for passion to take root and plant some chaos into my life.
my days aren't anything to remember.
i'm drowning in all this ordinary.
normal never suited me.
i know i hate the heartbreak when it ends, but sometimes the thrill is worth the crash landing.
these blues are making my world gray. it's daunting to force a change.
i keep looking around, but my eyes aren't ready to take anybody in.
all these people running around hooking up then breaking up looks like misery to me.
i need to win the war but these battles keep crushing my self-esteem.
sunshine and daisies were never my style and it never used to bother me.
is it age or loneliness taking their toll on me?
i wonder if it's time to give up and just let love be.
The Hope
the hope is what hurts the most.
the feeling arises and infuses you with new energy.
the fall from hope deflated wrecks the hardiest of souls.
the hope left me broken.
the joy drained from my body.
my face reflected pure disappointment.
the hope had been what i had lived for.
pain rips my heart apart.
the spring has gone dry!
the hope was all i needed and you made damn sure you took that too!
the hope built me up on a house of cards.
i'd smile at random thoughts of happiness.
you gave me moments to nurse my hopes.
your little notes fed my hopes and they had grown to epic proportions.
the hope couldn't last.
like your love it was false.
now i sit alone in the coldness of despair.
i'm in withdrawal from hope's sweet bliss.
it's hard to see past this.
i once had hope and now i don't;
that's what hurts the most.
the feeling arises and infuses you with new energy.
the fall from hope deflated wrecks the hardiest of souls.
the hope left me broken.
the joy drained from my body.
my face reflected pure disappointment.
the hope had been what i had lived for.
pain rips my heart apart.
the spring has gone dry!
the hope was all i needed and you made damn sure you took that too!
the hope built me up on a house of cards.
i'd smile at random thoughts of happiness.
you gave me moments to nurse my hopes.
your little notes fed my hopes and they had grown to epic proportions.
the hope couldn't last.
like your love it was false.
now i sit alone in the coldness of despair.
i'm in withdrawal from hope's sweet bliss.
it's hard to see past this.
i once had hope and now i don't;
that's what hurts the most.
Reluctant Adult
The big move is done.
Objects placed around each room.
Almost feels like home.
Adjusting to the new night noises.
Wondering where this road leads.
I'm feeling accomplished and pleased.
This is good.
This is right.
This is where I want to be.
The kid is figuring out where to put her stuff.
She overtakes everything she touches.
The buffer is small but necessary.
She's not a child anymore, but a reluctant adult.
She craves my attention like a 3 year old.
I try my hardest to turn her away.
She has to stand on her own as much as I can get her to let me go.
Her red hair matches her quick temper and passionate emotions.
Every day there is some drama in her life that will undo her.
OSU is proving a testing ground for her patience which was always little.
Yes, we are influx.
Yes, we are taking on new challenges.
But I tell her, this is how a life gets lived, in motion, not in rest.
So we will see where we end up.
I hope for her and I both we enjoy the journey and love the destination.
We are settling down into our own for the first time ever home.
Time will tell, it always does.
Objects placed around each room.
Almost feels like home.
Adjusting to the new night noises.
Wondering where this road leads.
I'm feeling accomplished and pleased.
This is good.
This is right.
This is where I want to be.
The kid is figuring out where to put her stuff.
She overtakes everything she touches.
The buffer is small but necessary.
She's not a child anymore, but a reluctant adult.
She craves my attention like a 3 year old.
I try my hardest to turn her away.
She has to stand on her own as much as I can get her to let me go.
Her red hair matches her quick temper and passionate emotions.
Every day there is some drama in her life that will undo her.
OSU is proving a testing ground for her patience which was always little.
Yes, we are influx.
Yes, we are taking on new challenges.
But I tell her, this is how a life gets lived, in motion, not in rest.
So we will see where we end up.
I hope for her and I both we enjoy the journey and love the destination.
We are settling down into our own for the first time ever home.
Time will tell, it always does.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
No Titles
hope cries and faith dies and all i know is a history of lies.
i try to turn it around.
break the mold i let you cast me into, but the perceptions persist.
i talk to you until i'm blue in the face;
even rudeness can't cut through the surface of me you cling to.
picture perfect attitudes and cookie cutter expectations behold my uniqueness like a deadly disease.
i try to take my time.
i chip away at every misconception you've formed about me, but your stereotypical thinking resists me.
words can't undo all the brainwashing you've been through;
even knowing different isn't wrong doesn't stop you from labeling everything you think doesn't belong.
oblivious eyes and deaf ears miss out on the subtle beauty that surrounds them.
how can you miss so much yet believe your world is complete?
you rush around in your narrow tunnels of thought shunning all exceptions to your rules.
if there's no titles you get confused.
God forbid i don't want to be just like you!
and we all know you wouldn't dare try to walk a mile in my shoes.
mismatched socks and uncombed hair aren't anything to fear.
i hear my own marching band and i dance and hum right along.
i change my mind all the time.
i love to walk in warm summer rains and run in cold ones.
i think expressing yourself is cool, even if i don't agree with you.
i respect your view, is it so hard for you to do the same?
i try to turn it around.
break the mold i let you cast me into, but the perceptions persist.
i talk to you until i'm blue in the face;
even rudeness can't cut through the surface of me you cling to.
picture perfect attitudes and cookie cutter expectations behold my uniqueness like a deadly disease.
i try to take my time.
i chip away at every misconception you've formed about me, but your stereotypical thinking resists me.
words can't undo all the brainwashing you've been through;
even knowing different isn't wrong doesn't stop you from labeling everything you think doesn't belong.
oblivious eyes and deaf ears miss out on the subtle beauty that surrounds them.
how can you miss so much yet believe your world is complete?
you rush around in your narrow tunnels of thought shunning all exceptions to your rules.
if there's no titles you get confused.
God forbid i don't want to be just like you!
and we all know you wouldn't dare try to walk a mile in my shoes.
mismatched socks and uncombed hair aren't anything to fear.
i hear my own marching band and i dance and hum right along.
i change my mind all the time.
i love to walk in warm summer rains and run in cold ones.
i think expressing yourself is cool, even if i don't agree with you.
i respect your view, is it so hard for you to do the same?
Winter in Late March
the wind cuts through my three layers of clothes as if i've come outside naked.
i turn the corner and my breath catches and my heart stammers.
the briskness of my walk fails to warm me and i come back in unable to feel my extremities.
i clumsily peel back the clothes to confirm i still have my fingers and my toes!
i cover up in three blankets and a 30 pound puggle.
an hour has lapsed and the chill still permeates every cell of flesh i have.
the winter has been a bitter enemy;
the spring an unwilling ally.
the snow begins again bringing more dread with no end.
even the ghosts of my past have been frozen solid.
i sit still in the quiet hoping to be forgotten.
the extended grey skies have crippled my enthusiasms.
now the only appealing things in my world are heat and sleep.
no one smiles or looks up between their mad dashes from heated cars to heated stores to their heated houses.
we are being held prisoner by winter's unyielding wrath.
i dream of a sun filled paradise.
palm trees, swimming pools, pink drinks with umbrellas and a tan all dance around in my head.
the mirages never stay and every morning the cold stabs my hope to death.
i'd fly away if i could afford it, but winter knows i'm stuck and delights in my misery.
the sun is out and mocking me with its shine, but no warmth it provides.
my aches have aches.
my pains have pains.
every movement triggers a tormenting throbbing of every muscle.
i crank up the thermostat and grit my teeth.
the dollars lost hurt almost as much as my fingers do.
wintertime i beg of you, move on to some other country.
i've had enough of your attention this year.
my life is on pause until you leave.
please die so i can live.
my soul is suffocating under your unrelenting gaze.
you use to be my favorite time of year, but your welcome has passed.
winter it's not you it's me!
i turn the corner and my breath catches and my heart stammers.
the briskness of my walk fails to warm me and i come back in unable to feel my extremities.
i clumsily peel back the clothes to confirm i still have my fingers and my toes!
i cover up in three blankets and a 30 pound puggle.
an hour has lapsed and the chill still permeates every cell of flesh i have.
the winter has been a bitter enemy;
the spring an unwilling ally.
the snow begins again bringing more dread with no end.
even the ghosts of my past have been frozen solid.
i sit still in the quiet hoping to be forgotten.
the extended grey skies have crippled my enthusiasms.
now the only appealing things in my world are heat and sleep.
no one smiles or looks up between their mad dashes from heated cars to heated stores to their heated houses.
we are being held prisoner by winter's unyielding wrath.
i dream of a sun filled paradise.
palm trees, swimming pools, pink drinks with umbrellas and a tan all dance around in my head.
the mirages never stay and every morning the cold stabs my hope to death.
i'd fly away if i could afford it, but winter knows i'm stuck and delights in my misery.
the sun is out and mocking me with its shine, but no warmth it provides.
my aches have aches.
my pains have pains.
every movement triggers a tormenting throbbing of every muscle.
i crank up the thermostat and grit my teeth.
the dollars lost hurt almost as much as my fingers do.
wintertime i beg of you, move on to some other country.
i've had enough of your attention this year.
my life is on pause until you leave.
please die so i can live.
my soul is suffocating under your unrelenting gaze.
you use to be my favorite time of year, but your welcome has passed.
winter it's not you it's me!
Thursday, June 27, 2013
White/Black/Grey
there's a fire in my belly and a song in my heart.
my life's a puzzle and all the pieces have been lost.
even God with his almighty hand cannot move me.
inside my head power lingers misplaced.
i drive through the memories looking for your face.
somewhere within these neurons is the place i need to be.
lock me up and throw away the key.
white has never looked very good on me.
your peace lily is wilting; your love is dying.
time is an illusion of endless misery.
turn off the fear and doubts;
build me a bridge back to my former self,
before i find the door to insanity.
you always were a light pushing away my night's.
now there's no love shining on me.
i'm counting down the days until the darkness carries me away.
black goes with everything they say.
i'm a million pieces sowed together with cheap thread.
the tears are showing and my nerves are fraying.
i hunch over your words and hoping you can save me.
the thoughts swirl in and out of my ears.
i draw upon what's left of my faith.
my eyes have too many unshed tears.
i can't go back to where i was, but i can't go where you want me.
grey suites me because it's the color of my eyes!
my life's a puzzle and all the pieces have been lost.
even God with his almighty hand cannot move me.
inside my head power lingers misplaced.
i drive through the memories looking for your face.
somewhere within these neurons is the place i need to be.
lock me up and throw away the key.
white has never looked very good on me.
your peace lily is wilting; your love is dying.
time is an illusion of endless misery.
turn off the fear and doubts;
build me a bridge back to my former self,
before i find the door to insanity.
you always were a light pushing away my night's.
now there's no love shining on me.
i'm counting down the days until the darkness carries me away.
black goes with everything they say.
i'm a million pieces sowed together with cheap thread.
the tears are showing and my nerves are fraying.
i hunch over your words and hoping you can save me.
the thoughts swirl in and out of my ears.
i draw upon what's left of my faith.
my eyes have too many unshed tears.
i can't go back to where i was, but i can't go where you want me.
grey suites me because it's the color of my eyes!
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Don't Hesitate
don't hesitate, take my breath, breathe life into yourself at my expense.
sacrifice me for a greater good; disappear into his light.
when i'm on my own my heart struggles to thrive.
if i give myself to you i become stable once more.
i'm stubborn, selfish, and greedy in this minute i see all my life behind me
and ahead of me and there's only misery everywhere i have ever been.
i stay true to myself and it is killing me one day at a time!
i am merely human. on my own i stand alone.
if i'm brave enough to let you take over i will be whole again.
i'm scared. it is natural for me to hold back bits of me.
i fight even though i know this is right.
control is a game i was never meant to win.
so here i go down your road leaving behind all i've ever known.
these gifts you've given me have been misspent.
all my years i've failed to repent.
my sins are small in quality but overwhelming in quantity.
i always flinch when you stare into me.
now i must overcome every action i have taken.
i give you the power, go crazy with that wrecking ball.
rebuild this broken house into your palace.
i want you to live here, in me, with me, as me;
i want to be one with you, better inside and out.
we passed by the detour.
now we go on the long and winding road.
every bump, every curve, and every hill has to be felt.
my soul is in sorry shape, i let myself go long ago.
don't hesitate, not tomorrow, but now, it starts right now!
i exercise my right to choose!
God, I choose you!!!
Jesus, I choose you!!!
Salvation, I choose you!!!
sacrifice me for a greater good; disappear into his light.
when i'm on my own my heart struggles to thrive.
if i give myself to you i become stable once more.
i'm stubborn, selfish, and greedy in this minute i see all my life behind me
and ahead of me and there's only misery everywhere i have ever been.
i stay true to myself and it is killing me one day at a time!
i am merely human. on my own i stand alone.
if i'm brave enough to let you take over i will be whole again.
i'm scared. it is natural for me to hold back bits of me.
i fight even though i know this is right.
control is a game i was never meant to win.
so here i go down your road leaving behind all i've ever known.
these gifts you've given me have been misspent.
all my years i've failed to repent.
my sins are small in quality but overwhelming in quantity.
i always flinch when you stare into me.
now i must overcome every action i have taken.
i give you the power, go crazy with that wrecking ball.
rebuild this broken house into your palace.
i want you to live here, in me, with me, as me;
i want to be one with you, better inside and out.
we passed by the detour.
now we go on the long and winding road.
every bump, every curve, and every hill has to be felt.
my soul is in sorry shape, i let myself go long ago.
don't hesitate, not tomorrow, but now, it starts right now!
i exercise my right to choose!
God, I choose you!!!
Jesus, I choose you!!!
Salvation, I choose you!!!
10 o'clock News
white lights up and down the highway
bright lights between me and my way
i'll be a blurb tonight on the ten o'clock news
i have no excuse
i'm not a vampire it is time to step into the lights
blue lights flashing in my rear view mirror
sad lights trying to give me my cue
i'll be interviewed tonight on the ten o'clock news
i can't be a recluse
i'm not a magician i have to stay out of the lights
bright lights between me and my way
i'll be a blurb tonight on the ten o'clock news
i have no excuse
i'm not a vampire it is time to step into the lights
blue lights flashing in my rear view mirror
sad lights trying to give me my cue
i'll be interviewed tonight on the ten o'clock news
i can't be a recluse
i'm not a magician i have to stay out of the lights
Bad Bug
that's a bad bug, leave it alone, it's a bad bug!
it'll sting you until you're numb;
until your throat swells shut,
and you think you're going to die, it's a bad bad bug!
that's a bad bug, let it go on, it's a bad bug!
it turns your insides out;
leaves you weak and shaking on the floor,
and you pray to die, it's a bad bad bug!
i'm sitting in the spring sunshine fighting an urge to cry.
my stomach rolls like a thunder storm.
my ribs ache from all the sickness i've expunged.
i prayed for mercy then i begged for death!
that's a bad bug, take it far away, it's a bad bug!
it overcomes you and takes control;
you aren't you anymore,
and you become just a ball of disease trying to breathe, it's a bad bad bug!
that's a bad bug, wash down all the pills to kill it, it's a bad bug.
the pain comes crashing in waves of vomit and tears;
both ends explode into misery,
and i'm chained to the bathroom like a slave to its master, it's a bad bad bug!
there's not freedom in the pink you drink.
every second i think death has arrived.
if this is living then death can't be that bad.
i prayed to find a chemical to release me from this nightmare.
that's a bad bug, it crawls inside of you and eats you alive, it's a bad bug.
it's tearing me apart one retch at a time;
i'm huddled in the corner knowing i'm going to die,
and all i feel is relief, it's a bad bad bug!
it'll sting you until you're numb;
until your throat swells shut,
and you think you're going to die, it's a bad bad bug!
that's a bad bug, let it go on, it's a bad bug!
it turns your insides out;
leaves you weak and shaking on the floor,
and you pray to die, it's a bad bad bug!
i'm sitting in the spring sunshine fighting an urge to cry.
my stomach rolls like a thunder storm.
my ribs ache from all the sickness i've expunged.
i prayed for mercy then i begged for death!
that's a bad bug, take it far away, it's a bad bug!
it overcomes you and takes control;
you aren't you anymore,
and you become just a ball of disease trying to breathe, it's a bad bad bug!
that's a bad bug, wash down all the pills to kill it, it's a bad bug.
the pain comes crashing in waves of vomit and tears;
both ends explode into misery,
and i'm chained to the bathroom like a slave to its master, it's a bad bad bug!
there's not freedom in the pink you drink.
every second i think death has arrived.
if this is living then death can't be that bad.
i prayed to find a chemical to release me from this nightmare.
that's a bad bug, it crawls inside of you and eats you alive, it's a bad bug.
it's tearing me apart one retch at a time;
i'm huddled in the corner knowing i'm going to die,
and all i feel is relief, it's a bad bad bug!
Sunday, June 2, 2013
The Day Drags
as the day drags on i wonder why i bother to try;
my efforts end in disappointment.
pain is my only friend.
with every new ache i debate where my road leads.
goals seem futile.
dreams seems implausible.
hopes seem irresponsible.
yes, the more the day drags on the more restless i become.
as the day drags on it is beating me down.
every minute feels like forever.
time stops and taunts.
with every second i long to leave.
work is pointless.
planning is useless.
thinking is worthless.
yes, the more the day drags on the more i hate it.
as the day drags on i feel like i'm dying.
my flesh grows wrinkled.
my heart slows.
with every new gray hair i wish this day would end.
laughing seems futile.
smiling seems painful.
happiness seems beyond my reach.
yes, the more this day drags on the more i'm over it.
my efforts end in disappointment.
pain is my only friend.
with every new ache i debate where my road leads.
goals seem futile.
dreams seems implausible.
hopes seem irresponsible.
yes, the more the day drags on the more restless i become.
as the day drags on it is beating me down.
every minute feels like forever.
time stops and taunts.
with every second i long to leave.
work is pointless.
planning is useless.
thinking is worthless.
yes, the more the day drags on the more i hate it.
as the day drags on i feel like i'm dying.
my flesh grows wrinkled.
my heart slows.
with every new gray hair i wish this day would end.
laughing seems futile.
smiling seems painful.
happiness seems beyond my reach.
yes, the more this day drags on the more i'm over it.
Second Chances
second chances are rare.
i don't know where this will lead but i'm going to enjoy it while i got it.
years fly by until you see the end up close and personal.
the older i get the more i understand why nothing works out according to your plans.
now i hope for the best and pray the worse will never come.
hold on, sit tight, close your eyes, make that wish but don't forget to try!
second chances should be celebrated.
i'm amazed with the changes yet stunned how much is still the same.
the years have matured us both.
i see now why we ended back then but now i know how we can last.
the older we get the better we get along.
now i'm ready to take your hand and pray this time it won't go wrong.
hold on, be strong, wrap your arms around me and don't forget to feel!
second chances aren't a movie.
i don't get to write the ending.
happily ever after is a series of choices we have to make together.
but i'll enjoy replaying every moment of this one day.
the years take away the pain but hurt's memory still lingers.
now we see how far forgiveness can take us and we pray straight from our hearts.
hold on, keep calm, open up your heart and together we will love each other again!
i don't know where this will lead but i'm going to enjoy it while i got it.
years fly by until you see the end up close and personal.
the older i get the more i understand why nothing works out according to your plans.
now i hope for the best and pray the worse will never come.
hold on, sit tight, close your eyes, make that wish but don't forget to try!
second chances should be celebrated.
i'm amazed with the changes yet stunned how much is still the same.
the years have matured us both.
i see now why we ended back then but now i know how we can last.
the older we get the better we get along.
now i'm ready to take your hand and pray this time it won't go wrong.
hold on, be strong, wrap your arms around me and don't forget to feel!
second chances aren't a movie.
i don't get to write the ending.
happily ever after is a series of choices we have to make together.
but i'll enjoy replaying every moment of this one day.
the years take away the pain but hurt's memory still lingers.
now we see how far forgiveness can take us and we pray straight from our hearts.
hold on, keep calm, open up your heart and together we will love each other again!
Friday, May 31, 2013
Sparrows and Lost Loves
why do people sing about sparrows and lost loves
when i can only summon chocolate wrapped bacon dreams?
baffle me again and again,
oh this muse of mine huffs cheap cleaner behind the dollar general,
and i drop the ball again!
cascading doubts wash me out.
i've got dirt under my nails again.
i don't want to fuss or deal with the mess.
hide me in plain sight;
ignore my stupid plight.
does anyone have a chocolate bunny?
i could use a bite!
why do people drive around in circles everyday to go to a job
that barely pays when i want to run away and play?
baffle me again and again,
oh this soul of mine yearns to buy some extra spirit to numb all this boredom,
and i kick myself while i'm down again!
righteous voices drown me out.
i'm full of dirty thoughts.
i have no fight left so just knock me out.
smother what remains of the fire inside;
turn a blind eye to my pathetic cries.
does anyone have some matches?
i could use the heat!
why do i pick men that walk through me like i'm a window,
and i cry when they leave?
baffle me again and again,
oh this heart of mine plays me for the fool all the time;
acting like i got feelings to spare and no cares.
falling fears surround me.
the dirt hurts.
i'll never be clean again.
i call out for help to silence;
once again i'm underwhelmed by artistic license.
i sink deeper into the nothingness!
does anyone have some pie?
i'd like to have one more slice before i die.
when i can only summon chocolate wrapped bacon dreams?
baffle me again and again,
oh this muse of mine huffs cheap cleaner behind the dollar general,
and i drop the ball again!
cascading doubts wash me out.
i've got dirt under my nails again.
i don't want to fuss or deal with the mess.
hide me in plain sight;
ignore my stupid plight.
does anyone have a chocolate bunny?
i could use a bite!
why do people drive around in circles everyday to go to a job
that barely pays when i want to run away and play?
baffle me again and again,
oh this soul of mine yearns to buy some extra spirit to numb all this boredom,
and i kick myself while i'm down again!
righteous voices drown me out.
i'm full of dirty thoughts.
i have no fight left so just knock me out.
smother what remains of the fire inside;
turn a blind eye to my pathetic cries.
does anyone have some matches?
i could use the heat!
why do i pick men that walk through me like i'm a window,
and i cry when they leave?
baffle me again and again,
oh this heart of mine plays me for the fool all the time;
acting like i got feelings to spare and no cares.
falling fears surround me.
the dirt hurts.
i'll never be clean again.
i call out for help to silence;
once again i'm underwhelmed by artistic license.
i sink deeper into the nothingness!
does anyone have some pie?
i'd like to have one more slice before i die.
Friday, May 24, 2013
He's Never Far
he's never far; either in my thoughts or in these scars he carved into my heart.
he's never far; his smile or his hazel eyes are burned into every tear
and every twinkle of my eyes.
he's never far; his memory makes me feel and i miss him.
i miss the pain and i miss saying his name.
it's hard to be here.
he's so near but so far away.
his warmth is beyond my reach.
the reality brought us crashing down.
i feel the full weight its gravity upon my chest.
he's never far, but he's far enough away to not be mine anymore.
he's never far; either in my dreams or these words being shared with the world.
he's never far; his laugh or his caresses are casting a long shadow over me.
he's never far; time is slow to erase his mark. i miss it.
i miss him and i love it and i hate it.
it's hard to be here.
alone but haunted by the sweetest memories.
he's so near and he's so dear to me.
i feel by now i should have moved on.
he's never far, but he's oh so near!
he's never far; his smile or his hazel eyes are burned into every tear
and every twinkle of my eyes.
he's never far; his memory makes me feel and i miss him.
i miss the pain and i miss saying his name.
it's hard to be here.
he's so near but so far away.
his warmth is beyond my reach.
the reality brought us crashing down.
i feel the full weight its gravity upon my chest.
he's never far, but he's far enough away to not be mine anymore.
he's never far; either in my dreams or these words being shared with the world.
he's never far; his laugh or his caresses are casting a long shadow over me.
he's never far; time is slow to erase his mark. i miss it.
i miss him and i love it and i hate it.
it's hard to be here.
alone but haunted by the sweetest memories.
he's so near and he's so dear to me.
i feel by now i should have moved on.
he's never far, but he's oh so near!
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Sickness and I
sickness and i are the oldest of friends.
i remember cold novembers' wracked with coughs and sweating from a fever's heat.
you'd think i'd be used to the familiar touch of disease but i forget.
the older i get the harder it gets to get over its affects.
bronchitis, sinus, flu, colds, allergies, and pneumonia revolve and evolve through me,
into me, around me, until i begin to wonder if death's the only hope i have left.
i try new doctors, new pills, new cure alls, but all i find is the same misery that leaves me dead inside.
the error is in my dna. my bad code has made me this way.
why bother to try when i'm doomed.
i dance around the truth holding one ailment close at a time.
miracles and prayers aren't here to be found, if Jesus saves he doesn't save me.
God used to speak to me when i was young.
i'd lay on a couch in the dark saying my childish prayers and crossing my heart.
my mother tucked me in too tight to move.
all the doctors told her i'd outgrow it all one day,
but after 40 years i grow doubtful that day will every come.
every time i leave the house new germs hitch a ride home with me.
sickness never leaves me alone.
i can count on it to visit when it pleases.
i'm well enough to forget how much it hurt, so it reminds me again how it rules me.
i should burn myself and all i own, but i'm sure the sickness would return.
yes, sickness and i are the oldest of friends!
i remember cold novembers' wracked with coughs and sweating from a fever's heat.
you'd think i'd be used to the familiar touch of disease but i forget.
the older i get the harder it gets to get over its affects.
bronchitis, sinus, flu, colds, allergies, and pneumonia revolve and evolve through me,
into me, around me, until i begin to wonder if death's the only hope i have left.
i try new doctors, new pills, new cure alls, but all i find is the same misery that leaves me dead inside.
the error is in my dna. my bad code has made me this way.
why bother to try when i'm doomed.
i dance around the truth holding one ailment close at a time.
miracles and prayers aren't here to be found, if Jesus saves he doesn't save me.
God used to speak to me when i was young.
i'd lay on a couch in the dark saying my childish prayers and crossing my heart.
my mother tucked me in too tight to move.
all the doctors told her i'd outgrow it all one day,
but after 40 years i grow doubtful that day will every come.
every time i leave the house new germs hitch a ride home with me.
sickness never leaves me alone.
i can count on it to visit when it pleases.
i'm well enough to forget how much it hurt, so it reminds me again how it rules me.
i should burn myself and all i own, but i'm sure the sickness would return.
yes, sickness and i are the oldest of friends!
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Not Another Thought
i don't want to think about it, the end of you,
hush now, not another thought about you dying will ever cross my mind.
you got to carry on, you got to be the one that's strong.
you've carried me all my life, you can't give up, i'm not done needing your hand to hold on to.
i don't want to talk about it, the day you day,
hush now, not another word about your funeral will cross my lips.
you got to pull yourself together, you got to find a way to hold on.
you've been my rock all my life, you can't go, i'm not done needing your should to cry on.
i don't want to hear about it, the sad news of your passing one day,
hush now, not another syllable about your final wishes will be heard.
you got to stay positive, you are everything to me.
you've been the one to save me all my life, you got to be here, i'm not done needing you to rescue me on your white horse.
i don't want to think about it, the sad day you die,
hush now, not another thought about your death will cross my mind.
you will carry on, you will be strong.
you have to let me die first, because without you i'm lost.
hush now, not another thought about you dying will ever cross my mind.
you got to carry on, you got to be the one that's strong.
you've carried me all my life, you can't give up, i'm not done needing your hand to hold on to.
i don't want to talk about it, the day you day,
hush now, not another word about your funeral will cross my lips.
you got to pull yourself together, you got to find a way to hold on.
you've been my rock all my life, you can't go, i'm not done needing your should to cry on.
i don't want to hear about it, the sad news of your passing one day,
hush now, not another syllable about your final wishes will be heard.
you got to stay positive, you are everything to me.
you've been the one to save me all my life, you got to be here, i'm not done needing you to rescue me on your white horse.
i don't want to think about it, the sad day you die,
hush now, not another thought about your death will cross my mind.
you will carry on, you will be strong.
you have to let me die first, because without you i'm lost.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Heartache and Hope
my heart is beating slower then i'm breathing.
i don't know what i'm needing to fix my plight.
i'm full of dismay. i'm tripping over ghosts.
all i have left is heartache and hope.
my condition feels me with loneliness in a crowded room.
i want to run away to try to outrun my pain.
i'm burning down my own disease. i'm falling into it.
hope comes and goes but my heartache never moves.
my standard's slip and he got through those cracks.
i shouldn't complain because he didn't stick around to finish the kill.
i'm regretting letting myself believe love exists. faith can't assist.
heartache and hope aren't enough to keep me strong.
my weakness overtakes my sensibilities.
i'm a special kind of fool wrapped up in past discretions.
i would love to taste freedom. everywhere i am is a prison.
heartaches are here for the long haul and i hope i'm able to handle it all!
my environment surrounds me with examples of kindness.
i think i can but i know i won't ever love again.
i'm a closet dreamer who is desperate to believe. i'm too scared to unlock the door.
hope isn't in control; only the heartache knows me.
my disaster destroyed me down to my core.
i don't want to be here anymore.
i'm ready to forgive him but i'll never forgive myself.
is there ever enough hope when the heartache never ends?
i don't know what i'm needing to fix my plight.
i'm full of dismay. i'm tripping over ghosts.
all i have left is heartache and hope.
my condition feels me with loneliness in a crowded room.
i want to run away to try to outrun my pain.
i'm burning down my own disease. i'm falling into it.
hope comes and goes but my heartache never moves.
my standard's slip and he got through those cracks.
i shouldn't complain because he didn't stick around to finish the kill.
i'm regretting letting myself believe love exists. faith can't assist.
heartache and hope aren't enough to keep me strong.
my weakness overtakes my sensibilities.
i'm a special kind of fool wrapped up in past discretions.
i would love to taste freedom. everywhere i am is a prison.
heartaches are here for the long haul and i hope i'm able to handle it all!
my environment surrounds me with examples of kindness.
i think i can but i know i won't ever love again.
i'm a closet dreamer who is desperate to believe. i'm too scared to unlock the door.
hope isn't in control; only the heartache knows me.
my disaster destroyed me down to my core.
i don't want to be here anymore.
i'm ready to forgive him but i'll never forgive myself.
is there ever enough hope when the heartache never ends?
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Always Waiting
i'm always waiting.
i wait on the computer to load.
i wait for payday.
i wait in line after line every day.
now i'm waiting on you to change your mind.
a woman can lose her mind with all this wasted time!
you were all mine, but that was only a brief moment in time.
you moved on but i'm stuck.
i can't let go of your memory.
we dance around my thoughts; always happy; always together.
i'm always waiting around here for you to knock on my door once more.
i imagine running in to you at a store.
you look right through me like i was a stranger to you
and i stay frozen; i let you come and go as you pleased.
i was waiting for you to realize we were perfect for each other.
i wonder what you were waiting for?
i'm always waiting.
i wait for my ship to come in.
i wait for my broken heart to heal.
i wait day after day for you to change your mind.
i think i'm finally losing my mind!
other men come and go, but I can't fall for them.
i know how it feels to be on hold.
you marked me as yours and it's a mark that still holds.
your touch haunts my dreams.
if i could sleep forever you'd never leave me.
then my wait would be over!
i drink to forget.
i move to live.
every day feels like an eternity.
this pain is eating a hole through me.
my love is wrapped up into your memory.
i almost get by, but i almost no longer mind you're gone.
you became everything to me.
then you couldn't wait to take it all away from me.
i'm always waiting.
i wait on fate to intervene.
i wait for the world to change.
i wait for you to miss me.
i wait for a man that can make me forget you ever existed.
i'm wasting all my time for you to change your mind and love me once more!
i wait on the computer to load.
i wait for payday.
i wait in line after line every day.
now i'm waiting on you to change your mind.
a woman can lose her mind with all this wasted time!
you were all mine, but that was only a brief moment in time.
you moved on but i'm stuck.
i can't let go of your memory.
we dance around my thoughts; always happy; always together.
i'm always waiting around here for you to knock on my door once more.
i imagine running in to you at a store.
you look right through me like i was a stranger to you
and i stay frozen; i let you come and go as you pleased.
i was waiting for you to realize we were perfect for each other.
i wonder what you were waiting for?
i'm always waiting.
i wait for my ship to come in.
i wait for my broken heart to heal.
i wait day after day for you to change your mind.
i think i'm finally losing my mind!
other men come and go, but I can't fall for them.
i know how it feels to be on hold.
you marked me as yours and it's a mark that still holds.
your touch haunts my dreams.
if i could sleep forever you'd never leave me.
then my wait would be over!
i drink to forget.
i move to live.
every day feels like an eternity.
this pain is eating a hole through me.
my love is wrapped up into your memory.
i almost get by, but i almost no longer mind you're gone.
you became everything to me.
then you couldn't wait to take it all away from me.
i'm always waiting.
i wait on fate to intervene.
i wait for the world to change.
i wait for you to miss me.
i wait for a man that can make me forget you ever existed.
i'm wasting all my time for you to change your mind and love me once more!
Friday, March 22, 2013
Wash Me Away
there's plenty of work for me to do but it sits.
i feel flustered and unfocused.
my thoughts hop from one to another like the Easter bunny going house to house.
i can't decide on anything and my mind begins to bend.
15 minutes ago i was in a good mood.
then out of the blue the shades were drawn and now i'm confused and scattered.
oh, how this disease plays to win.
an attitude for every minute of every day.
the tidal waves of crushing emotions wash me away.
all that remains is a sea of exhaustion for me to drown!
there's concern knocking on the door for me.
i feel forgotten and underwhelmed.
my heart skips a beat or two trying to contain my panic.
i can't overcome it; and my hands begin to tremble.
yesterday went by so fast, but today's misery drags.
i need to hold on to the up's but the down's come too quickly.
now i'm distraught and shattered.
oh, how this disease taunts me.
a feeling for every color in the spectrum.
the storm's rain is washing me away.
all that remains is a shell full of negative space!
there's more despair then hope left here.
i feel fearful and misunderstood.
my soul bounces around different ideas to save it.
i can't settle for what tied me over before.
two days ago peace evaporated and has yet to return.
i thirst for the refreshing taste of calm.
now i'm empty and broken.
oh, how this disease destroys me.
these moods come and go as they please.
i scrub so hard to try and wash it away.
all that remains is me getting sucked down the drain.
oh,how this disease washes me away!
i feel flustered and unfocused.
my thoughts hop from one to another like the Easter bunny going house to house.
i can't decide on anything and my mind begins to bend.
15 minutes ago i was in a good mood.
then out of the blue the shades were drawn and now i'm confused and scattered.
oh, how this disease plays to win.
an attitude for every minute of every day.
the tidal waves of crushing emotions wash me away.
all that remains is a sea of exhaustion for me to drown!
there's concern knocking on the door for me.
i feel forgotten and underwhelmed.
my heart skips a beat or two trying to contain my panic.
i can't overcome it; and my hands begin to tremble.
yesterday went by so fast, but today's misery drags.
i need to hold on to the up's but the down's come too quickly.
now i'm distraught and shattered.
oh, how this disease taunts me.
a feeling for every color in the spectrum.
the storm's rain is washing me away.
all that remains is a shell full of negative space!
there's more despair then hope left here.
i feel fearful and misunderstood.
my soul bounces around different ideas to save it.
i can't settle for what tied me over before.
two days ago peace evaporated and has yet to return.
i thirst for the refreshing taste of calm.
now i'm empty and broken.
oh, how this disease destroys me.
these moods come and go as they please.
i scrub so hard to try and wash it away.
all that remains is me getting sucked down the drain.
oh,how this disease washes me away!
Crush
i have a new crush, hush!
it's a secret i keep close to my heart.
i've been bum rushed with lust!
it's time to dust off my heart and attempt to love again.
the scars run deep into my soul.
the feelings are growing but i hold back.
i hesitate to make initial contact.
rejection could crush my fragile feelings.
i don't know how many beats my poor heart has left.
time is short but heartbreak's sting is still too fresh.
i'm missing the nerve to take this chance!
i work hard to avoid the opposite sex but they're everywhere.
he is someone i always thought was cute but he had a ring where it can get me hurt,
but now i notice the ring is gone!
i don't know what happened or if he's still haunted by a divorce's ghost.
do i ask or just stare some more?
my past still shadow's my every step.
i can't go all in anymore.
these memories hurt less everyday but i'm a long way from healed.
loneliness is still a preferred state of being at this point.
i've become allergic to pain.
i cough and nearly choke to death at the thought of falling in love!
these times are tough and i have to survive.
i can't trust my heart or believe my ears.
lies are so easily disguised as hope.
truth hurts worse when told to you by someone else.
i can't deny this crush, but i can fight against it!
it won't overtake me!
this time i walk away before it ever starts.
it's a secret i keep close to my heart.
i've been bum rushed with lust!
it's time to dust off my heart and attempt to love again.
the scars run deep into my soul.
the feelings are growing but i hold back.
i hesitate to make initial contact.
rejection could crush my fragile feelings.
i don't know how many beats my poor heart has left.
time is short but heartbreak's sting is still too fresh.
i'm missing the nerve to take this chance!
i work hard to avoid the opposite sex but they're everywhere.
he is someone i always thought was cute but he had a ring where it can get me hurt,
but now i notice the ring is gone!
i don't know what happened or if he's still haunted by a divorce's ghost.
do i ask or just stare some more?
my past still shadow's my every step.
i can't go all in anymore.
these memories hurt less everyday but i'm a long way from healed.
loneliness is still a preferred state of being at this point.
i've become allergic to pain.
i cough and nearly choke to death at the thought of falling in love!
these times are tough and i have to survive.
i can't trust my heart or believe my ears.
lies are so easily disguised as hope.
truth hurts worse when told to you by someone else.
i can't deny this crush, but i can fight against it!
it won't overtake me!
this time i walk away before it ever starts.
You Kill Me
your arrogance overwhelms me.
your own ego fuels your narcissistic delusions.
you changed your path without telling me.
you had to focus and i was distracting you.
instead of sharing you closed up shop.
you abandoned me alone and in the proverbial dark.
you kill me... you didn't dump me... you killed me!
i'm not on your list for updates.
you've got to keep moving forward.
these are your choices and i get to suffer their consequences.
you kill me... that no fault attitude stabs me... you killed me!
how do two people get so far out of sync?
you ignore and then you destroy what you helped to create.
then you try to place all the blame on me.
it takes two to make a mess this big,
but you don't think i'm worthy to share your life.
you left me confused and lost while you found your zen.
you kill me... you pass judgement like you're God... you kill me!
take your precious life lessons and shove them up your own ass.
i don't need you to tell me i'm real.
my broken heart and depression yell it at me loud and clear.
you don't believe in anyone but yourself.
you kill me... you're a taker... you killed me!
i gave you everything i had and now there's nothing left.
you couldn't see past your own needs.
now you've changed and set a new course without me.
i have to adjust to the lack of your domination.
it's not too hard, because now i can breathe!
you killed me and that set me free!!!!
your own ego fuels your narcissistic delusions.
you changed your path without telling me.
you had to focus and i was distracting you.
instead of sharing you closed up shop.
you abandoned me alone and in the proverbial dark.
you kill me... you didn't dump me... you killed me!
i'm not on your list for updates.
you've got to keep moving forward.
these are your choices and i get to suffer their consequences.
you kill me... that no fault attitude stabs me... you killed me!
how do two people get so far out of sync?
you ignore and then you destroy what you helped to create.
then you try to place all the blame on me.
it takes two to make a mess this big,
but you don't think i'm worthy to share your life.
you left me confused and lost while you found your zen.
you kill me... you pass judgement like you're God... you kill me!
take your precious life lessons and shove them up your own ass.
i don't need you to tell me i'm real.
my broken heart and depression yell it at me loud and clear.
you don't believe in anyone but yourself.
you kill me... you're a taker... you killed me!
i gave you everything i had and now there's nothing left.
you couldn't see past your own needs.
now you've changed and set a new course without me.
i have to adjust to the lack of your domination.
it's not too hard, because now i can breathe!
you killed me and that set me free!!!!
Bangs and a Broken Heart
i got bangs and a broken heart.
he tore my whole world apart.
i was chasing the shadow of the perfect man.
he was an illusion selling me my dreams and i paid him everything i had!
now i'm alone, older, and not wiser.
i'm thinking about what went wrong this time.
he isn't remorseful and i'm not ready to let go.
we struggle against each other's flaws.
i wanted all of him and he wanted nothing at all from me!
i had hope for the first time in awhile.
the sun can't shine on me forever.
i had fun until he took it all away.
i had him but i didn't guess he wouldn't stay.
why can't i find love that won't fade?
those silly girlhood forever fantasies got the better of me.
he preyed upon my vulnerabilities.
wishes were the fuel for his bonfire of lies.
he duped me and i let him.
i don't know if i can do this anymore.
i have to undo this damage or he'll win!
i'm retreating to nurse my wounds.
this heartache won't kill me but i'm spooked.
it's time to be less a romantic and more pragmatic.
my goals are clear and he's not meeting them.
if love could be logical then we'd be happier.
i'll take this seat at the head of an empty table
and my mind will move past what it always knew would never last!
he tore my whole world apart.
i was chasing the shadow of the perfect man.
he was an illusion selling me my dreams and i paid him everything i had!
now i'm alone, older, and not wiser.
i'm thinking about what went wrong this time.
he isn't remorseful and i'm not ready to let go.
we struggle against each other's flaws.
i wanted all of him and he wanted nothing at all from me!
i had hope for the first time in awhile.
the sun can't shine on me forever.
i had fun until he took it all away.
i had him but i didn't guess he wouldn't stay.
why can't i find love that won't fade?
those silly girlhood forever fantasies got the better of me.
he preyed upon my vulnerabilities.
wishes were the fuel for his bonfire of lies.
he duped me and i let him.
i don't know if i can do this anymore.
i have to undo this damage or he'll win!
i'm retreating to nurse my wounds.
this heartache won't kill me but i'm spooked.
it's time to be less a romantic and more pragmatic.
my goals are clear and he's not meeting them.
if love could be logical then we'd be happier.
i'll take this seat at the head of an empty table
and my mind will move past what it always knew would never last!
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Die Loving You
don't go... i need to hold onto something in the midst of all this nothing.
you're all i got saving me from insanity.
it's okay to take a stand.
we're down but not out.
don't you see... as long as i die loving you nothing else means a thing!
don't stop... spin me around in your arms all night long.
our love isn't wrong.
two people in tune is beautiful.
we aren't hurting anyone.
let the rest of the world hate.
i think as long as i die loving you they don't mean anything!
don't cry... their words are harsh but i'm your haven.
my door is always unlocked to you.
others drag you down so they don't feel blue,
but i know you're perfection and i'm blessed to have you.
i know as long as i die loving you our lives mattered!
don't hesitate... grab my hand and run in the snow.
we can fall.
we can get beaten.
we can let the world win, but let's be us and defy them all.
i hear different is the new cool.
and as long as i die loving you i won!
don't joke... i'm crazy about you.
i'll fight everyone to keep you.
they can call us names and devalue our feelings,
but we know our hearts.
we love more then they'll ever know.
i find their jealousy motivation to keep loving you until i die,
because i matter to you!
you're all i got saving me from insanity.
it's okay to take a stand.
we're down but not out.
don't you see... as long as i die loving you nothing else means a thing!
don't stop... spin me around in your arms all night long.
our love isn't wrong.
two people in tune is beautiful.
we aren't hurting anyone.
let the rest of the world hate.
i think as long as i die loving you they don't mean anything!
don't cry... their words are harsh but i'm your haven.
my door is always unlocked to you.
others drag you down so they don't feel blue,
but i know you're perfection and i'm blessed to have you.
i know as long as i die loving you our lives mattered!
don't hesitate... grab my hand and run in the snow.
we can fall.
we can get beaten.
we can let the world win, but let's be us and defy them all.
i hear different is the new cool.
and as long as i die loving you i won!
don't joke... i'm crazy about you.
i'll fight everyone to keep you.
they can call us names and devalue our feelings,
but we know our hearts.
we love more then they'll ever know.
i find their jealousy motivation to keep loving you until i die,
because i matter to you!
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Heavy Heart
heavy heart
slow start
sleep beckons
sorrowful soul
body cold
life disappoints
ringing ears
ideas barren
numbness seduces
painful thoughts
medication bought
alcohol drowns
aching hands
wasted woman
moral sinks
walking dead
throbbing head
lover demands
fighting air
lying cares
family abandons
heavy heart
forgotten part
dream reckons
slow start
sleep beckons
sorrowful soul
body cold
life disappoints
ringing ears
ideas barren
numbness seduces
painful thoughts
medication bought
alcohol drowns
aching hands
wasted woman
moral sinks
walking dead
throbbing head
lover demands
fighting air
lying cares
family abandons
heavy heart
forgotten part
dream reckons
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