Misery's Bitch

did you find that rabbit hole where you were hoping to find your soul?
i fell into an invisible man.
he missed what he never did understand.
he's fed, fat and happy, but i'm plotting the perfect moment for my revenge.
the cold air nuzzles my neck and chokes on my cigarette.
i'm riding his hot air to the clouds and sliding to hell on his icy stare.
there's loves embrace and fear's kisses all jumbled up inside my memories of him.

do you keep her next to your shiny new car like a trophy that says you're a star?
she thinks you're in love with her, but we both know that's not true.
loneliness stalks you with every lie you utter to her.
she's not going to buy your delay tactics forever.
she's the kind of woman that marries;
and your the kind of man that worries she wants to marry you.
i'm chasing down karma and pointing it to your door.
stack the deck anyway you want.
the truth has a way of coming out.
i can wait for your life to fall apart.
your hands were never there to hold mine when i needed it,
so mine won't be there for you when she leaves you.

did i set this up so i always lose everything?
maybe i'm hard wired to be misery's bitch, but i stopped lying.
you never broke character with me or her.
how long can you keep pretending to be the man she wants you to be?
no wonder you're always sleeping, all this acting must be exhausting!
i'd beat some sense into you if i thought you could feel.
i've had my breakdown; i wonder how long it'll be until yours comes around.
i dreamed about you lying in bed with me instead of her.
i don't know if it was a nightmare but it scared me.
you and i together won't ever be, because that would be pure misery!

Outer Space

everyone is looking fatter to me.
is it my paranoia about my weight gain reflecting back onto me?
i obsess over the numbers on the wii.
i want to be in the normal zone so badly!
all my energy is being sucked away.
i can't help but think if i were thinner he'd be here today.

it helps to blame something physical.
when i know the problem is in my head.
it's easier to starve myself then to change.
i'm saving a lot of money this way.
i'm learning what my ribs look like again.

he said i was pretty, but i'm not prettier then her.
i know i can't win this race.
he'll marry her and live happily without me,
like i never existed!

he might as well be in outer space now,
because we aren't in each other's orbits anymore.
i miss him more then i realized i would.
the heartache fuels my depressed state.

once i give him what's due he'll disappear.
i want to owe him forever just so i can hold him.
all naughtiness comes to an end,
but i would love for him to bend me over again.

if i had courage my favorite color wouldn't be yellow
and i'd be bold enough to stake my claim.
but i can't and he won't,
so i sit here and choke on the tears i have no right to cry.
i'll embrace my lonely self and tuck myself in at night;
so i can pretend he dreams of me like i do him!

Favorite Chocolate Bar

i'm inhaling the leftover scent of your cologne.
i try to capture your intense presence in a jar.
your hazel eyes inspired me to fall.
i want to take this feeling and hang it up like a poster on my wall.
you could be my idol and i could be your doll,
but i'm not grammy material.
and the music we made ended on the wrong note.
now your voice is lost to me!

i want to recycle my memories into toys for poor kids
or maybe turn myself into your favorite chocolate bar,
then you would love me as much as pooh bear loves his honey.
please change your cooling affections!
it's sunday maybe by thursday you'll want me again.
i'm nowhere without your hands dancing with desire over my skin.
i feel like i've fallen into an empty pit of despair;
instead of you keeping me warm i wear thermal underwear.

take a laser and carve you out of my brain.
be thorough, i want to forget every little thing.
why couldn't you like me the most?
if you were a drug i'd be your abuser.
the words growled under your breath fester like open wounds upon my flesh.
open up my chest and remove my heart;
it's not important to me if you aren't here for me to love!

Unexpected Praise

touch me when i don't want you to.
push past all the bullshit i say to you.
i've got chocolate on my forehead
and a broken heart in the mail to you.
i'm too young to be so done with living,
but when you focused on me i wanted to live forever.

a number dances on my mind,
48, 48, 48 is when she died.
i don't know how much longer i've got,
so wasting this time loving you really sucks.
i worry about dying every day.
my demons are winning in every way.

you told me my writing blew you away.
i latch onto this unexpected praise.
intentions and desires clash and clog my vision.
i have lost all my perceptions.
you need to tell me what you really think when you think about me.

i seek solace in a forgiving man,
but he's never here when i need him the most.
i'm beginning to retreat back into my head.
this man isn't really my friend.
i ask for a simple hug and i get a shrug.

i don't want you to touch me anymore.
my shut down has commenced.
i'm giving you a big send off.
my heart is being shipped out
and i don't want it to ever come back.

Console Myself

cramps, blood, pain, misery; all has befallen me.
failure, disappointment, fear, doubt; all are present here with me.
there's been a total eclipse of my soul.
crashing waves of angry thoughts beat me down.
thrashing words whip me from out of your mouth.
my savior flies south while i walk north.
there's only an echo to keep me company now!

a solemn mood has settled over me.
my emotions hesitate to be.
every color bleeds.
notice the little wrinkles on my forehead.
i'm rotting away.
my flesh dries out.
every breath is death.

despair, loneliness, sadness, madness; all perch upon my shoulders.
aches, spasms, depression, exhaustion; all kick me when i'm down.
there's a hostile take over going on in my heart.
hurling accusations hit me hard.
whirling clouds of confusion take my breath away.
my hopes took the last bus out of town.
there's only me to console myself now!

Wrestle the Devil

i keep waiting for something awesome to happen to me.
i'm lazy!
i need to pull my head out of my ass.
i'd rather dream my life away then work too hard.
i love to play!
i'd like to do that everyday, but i get bored.
i've forgotten i'm capable enough to learn new things.
my downward spiral into inactivity has hit rock bottom.
i have to dust off my inner sun and let it shine!

i can write so why can't i sing too?
i can walk so now it's time to run.
i can talk so now i should say something important.
i can love so now i should show someone.
i have all these skill being unused.
i'm taking a step back so i can move forward.

i'm done waiting for the world to take notice.
my attitude is shifting back into alignment.
i'm not going to worry about tomorrow.
today is the only day that matters.
every moment requires my attention.
i'll wrestle the devil out of these details
and i will conquer my inner demons!

Ohio Cold

i can't stay another day alone in this ohio cold.
if i were better behaved would you come back to stay?
it's dark by 6pm.
the single digit temperatures chase away all the warmth i have.
baby, please come home.
you're all i have to hold in this ohio cold.

these nights are wearing me down.
my heart is frozen solid and one more hurtful word from you
my heart will surely shatter;
as things do in this ohio cold.

am i not good enough for you?
you've forgotten me again, haven't you?
why do you run away from me and leave me to cry in this ohio cold?
i'm so tired and my bones ache.
i can't think clearly and you're so calm.
you aren't here suffering with me in this ohio cold.

i can't stay another day alone in this ohio cold.

Iron Will

my iron will has rusted out
leaving me susceptible to your smarmy charms.
there's no coffin big enough to hold all my doubts,
but i'll bury myself under your false pretenses.

my escape must be flawless.
i've super glued my smile on my face.
the duct tape holds my heart in place.
i can't chase you when you aren't running.
i have to laugh at how i thought you were sincere.

my fallacy was assuming you knew how to tell the truth.
i'm exhausted from arguing with myself.
i don't have any self-esteem left to give you.
support for us is down to my left pinky finger and i'm ready to cut it off.

my ears are burning from the lies you say.
i've stuffed my heart with fat to kill it.
i'd rather die at my own hands then your demands.
misery is lonely that is why it craves company.

my cognitive distortion was my thinking you'd leave her.
magical thinking can't bring me satisfaction.
your animal magnetism blew me away.
i felt you inside of me so the emotions must be real.

my groundless accusations are gaining traction.
i was told you like dirt better then having sex with me.
you're crazy to think this hasn't become personal.
i don't want to jump to conclusions, but you leave me no where else to go.

my discretion is growing from a whisper to a shout.
the lies must stop before they take over.
i disappear behind the cold wind of winter.
for now i think i can keep a lid on myself,
but i can't tell you it's forever or just until tomorrow.

Verb

i lay in bed mesmerized by the ceiling again.
i close my eyes and i see light and dark.
the shadows chase me when i try to sleep.
i feel my face with my fingertips.
i press against the bone underneath my flesh.
i feel caged in and i want to dig my nails into my skin
and tear away what brings me pain.

the path is getting narrow.
the darkness is getting stronger.
i'm turning into a being of pure feeling.
my senses are reeling.
i don't know if it's the drugs leaving or the real me being.

this life of people, lies, and sex smells like shit.
i want to break my own neck.
when the sun hides, when the clouds conceal; that's when my mind comes alive.
i spin through a billion thoughts.
i'm devoured nerve by nerve.
the air is pushing down and in on me.
all i suffer is never enough.

sacrifice me at your will.
i'm breaking down.
i can't stay wrapped up in a bubble.
i think too damn much.
i am power; raw, sensual, sexual fire.
all the reality blurs as my world collapses with one word, verb!

Time Bomb

don't charge me admission to my own execution.
the hang man's rope calls out to me.
all these hopes that died on my tongue leave me crushed by their gravity.
the peace lily is dying; the war within is still raging.
someday i wanted to change, but not today!

you were the bigger man and that makes me sad.
don't judge me by your own moral standards.
the ten commandments are more like guidelines i ignore all the time.
i envy. i covet. i lust. i fornicate. i lie. i steal. i cheat.
i don't ask for respect because i never give it.
there's no honor inside this broken down whore i've become.

the most i get takes all i got.
don't think you know what i'm going to do next.
i don't know where i'm going or what i'm doing.
i saw you were back here last night smoking.
you didn't even bother to say hi.
the words you gave me were to pacify.
we're both afraid i'm going to lose my mind.

my insides are malfunctioning.
don't believe it's guilt because i'm falling apart.
it's just my broken heart flooding my system with those tears you wouldn't let me cry.
the fears have overtaken all my reason.
your voice had lulled me into submission.
we aren't friend but you like to pretend we are.
your influence over me is fading at last.
one day you'll piss me off and that will set me off, but not today!
i'm a ticking time bomb with a broken clock!