Imperfections

the wind blows cold on this monday morning.
the rain came in and washed away all that we had,
but i have your hand to hold, that's enough to get me by.
i love every one of your imperfections.
how you smell like cigarettes when you told me you quit smoking.

the house is a complete loss.
the photographs a mess of wet paper.
all the memories dissolved into a blob,
but you're hugging me hard and that's all i need.
i love every one of your imperfections.
your goatee and shaved head looks like every other man right now,
i can't get you to change it, so i just kiss your chin.

the cars are rusting out.
the motorcycle won't start.
we're living on the boat, never thought that would happen,
but we're laughing and eating smores, life is good.
i love every one of your imperfections.
how you tell me i'm the most beautiful woman in the world,
when i just saw you check that jogger out.

it wouldn't be this way if you weren't you.
the saddness would overwhelm me just like the water overran our stuff,
but you go out of your way to make me feel okay.
i love every one of your imperfections.
i think they are the best parts of you!

All the Way to Heaven

i'm going to walk all the way to heaven.
i don't know how long it'll take me to get there.
i hear there's a mansion for everyone.
i hope my mom's got dinner on.
this time i got it all figured out.
step by step, i'm walking all the way to heaven.

i've been practising around the parking lot.
four laps is a mile, i've walked 5 miles today.
i feel myself getting stronger.
i don't know the date or the time, but one day,
i'll need to be able to walk all the way to heaven.

the good book gives me a clear and concise to do list.
i have the 10 commandments to follow and great advice in proverbs.
there's a plan, a savior, and even some songs in Psalms to help me along.
i don't want to let God down,
so i'm getting ready to walk all the way to heaven!

Real

as i listen to the crickets' chirp, my enquiring mind wants to know more about you.
i am debating having all 7 of your sacred names inked into my flesh.
i want have you with me all the time.
the scriptures say you already are, but there's no pain, so it doesn't feel real!

as i watch the dog sleep at my feet, my heart is yearning to be closer to you.
you know my every thought, but i don't know that much about you.
i am ready to jump in with both feet and give you all i have.
i want to dedicate all of me to you.
there are so many places and faces claiming they are able to help me,
but there's no beacon beckoning me, so it doesn't look real!

as i sit in front of the computer checking in on work, my soul battles against logic for control.
i'm not worried, i know your truth will set me free.
scientist keep searching for the God particle to explain what they can't see.
every discovery they make brings us closer to our own extinction.
faith is required for your love, not mathmatical proof.
their numbers aren't adding up, none of it makes sense, so it doesn't sound real!

as i get down on my knees to pray, my whole being becomes in sync with you.
a calm settles over me. a feeling of contentment spreads through me.
i sense a presence holding me. i am comforted.
i can't explain it. i can barely find these words to describe it.
the world melts away and time stops.
i know you are with me, but just long enough, so you become real!

Overrated Kansas

is anybody out there?
what are you doing?
i'm trapped, wrapped, stamped defective.
i'm discarded, a human life wasted, oh the humanity!
i tried dialing 911 to help me escape, but i got a busy signal.

cover up your ears, i'm about to pop this bubble of ignorance.
my pain's boiling over.
my anger's rising to dangerous levels.
my explosion is imminent.
i put it off for far too long.
my volcano of pent up emotions is erupting.
i'm spewing all the feelings i was told i shouldn't have!

where's my yellow brick road?
toto shit in my ruby slippers.
the tin man took all my vicoden.
the scarecrow makes me itch
and i swear, if that lion bitches one more time, i'm hitting him!!!
my kansas was overrated.
my home was a womb of love, for years i was handled with kid gloves.
i was protected, doted on and adored, then the world came knocking on the door.

i met a boy and went straight to hell.
i took a whirlwind ride on the sin wagon.
i was flying high, out all night, having a hell of a time.
i was making every body who loved me cry.
my momma said, she's gone boy crazy.
my daddy just hung and shook his head.
my teachers said such a shame, she's so smart.
she was going to shine brighter then the brightest star.

i was my parent's whole universe when i went super nova baby.
got knocked up at 17, no time to make amends.
daddy's little angel got kicked out of heaven.
sh, don't tell. just hide yourself behind your hair.

i was so alone and scared.
everyone was staring at my bulging belly.
going to be a mom, i have no idea what's going on.
still in high school, kid's pointing, adults won't look me in the eye.
i'm now a fucking statistic, unwed, pregnant teenager.

my future just went on dim.
all because i met him.
he'd kiss my hand and stroke my hair.
he told me he loved me and like a starved ethopian,
i couldn't get enough of the bullshit he was feeding me.
we were doing it like rabbits and now i'm multiplying.
i found out he was lying.

there's no fairy tale here.
he's been to jail before, no license, no diploma, no job, no prospects.
just booze, cigerattes, and playing grab ass.
i was blinded by my lust for him., in my hormones i trusted.
now i'm totally fucked and stuck in a corner.
everyone's ashamed of me.
i'm the perfect example of the good girl gone bad.
now i'm a welfare mother walking down the high school halls,
wondering if i can even be a good mother when i'm just a kid myself?

(note - i got pregnant at 17. i now have a beautiful 20 year old daughter. i went to college. i got a degree. i make good money. i work hard. i never gave up. i did it all for her. she was my motivation, my inspiration, and i am hopelessly in love with her.)

Long Long Road

if our paths were to cross, if you were to stumble and fall, my name might be called upon to help you up.
what would i say? would i turn away?
say to you that's the price you pay when you play with a person's heart.
or will i confess? stand up and be a woman that can forgive,
even though i will never forget what you did.
could i wish you the best and be there for you like a friend?
i don't know when, but some day we'll meet again on this long long road.

you'll always be at the back of my mind.
not a pleasant memory, but you are someone i will never forget.
you crop up in my dreams.
when i'm sad your laughter echos around my heart.
you tore my innocence apart.
i don't know where you are.
i don't know who you are with.
i wonder if a woman will ever make you cry.
i'm hoping someday you get what you deserve as you go down this long long road.

time flies by, a neutral party to all life's events.
if by chance, i ever see you again, will i be able to smile?
would i say hi? could i set the past aside and let the bad you did fade from my mind?
stand up and be a woman that can forgive, wish you the best,
pass this test! maybe someday on this long long road we'll meet again.

only fate knows if our paths will cross again. will i recognize you?
will you even remember me? was i just one more girl to meet your biological needs?
will i cry? life is full of twists and turns, you never know how you'll react to a ghost from the past.
there are so many beginnings on this long long road that have no endings.
we'll see, maybe someday, on this long long road i will find out if time really does heal all wounds!

Justice

fear, it lives, it breathes, it wraps itsefl arond me.
i strangle. i choke. i suffocate.
i am a sentient being.

doubt, it thrives, it grows, it divides me in two.
i sink. i struggle. i drown.
i am a creature of God's design.

my heart is in the hands of the Holy Ghost.
i tend to my wandering soul.
my path of pleasure led me straight to pain.
my integrity sold at a bargain basement price.
i relied on my own judgements to live.
i built my own personalized Hell one sin at a time.
i felt my rebellion just, but justice never came.

mercy, it exists, it fulfills, it gives of itself freely.
i beg. i receive. i give.
i am a candle of the Lord.

love, it binds, it cures, it takes away all the hurt.
i want. i need. i have.
i am a child of God.

my heart has been cleansed by God's command.
i aligned myself with His commandments.
my life begins where my sins died.
i can no longer seperate myself from Him.
this new life feels strange to me,
but my thoughts are pure and strong.
i abandoned my revolt and justce finally came.

Cut and Paste

i wish i could cut you out of my life and paste in someone that wouldn't destroy me.
i want to erase your memory, but the photographs remind me.
i loved you too much and now it's killing me.
i walked the same path every day for so many years and i never saw it,
but now i'm seeing everything.

my heart is shattered and you're a free man.
no matter how many tears i cry;
nothing will change the fact you're gone, you're gone.

people change.
people grow.
people drift apart.
so every keeps telling me, but i don't care about people.
i only care about you.

when did we lose each other's pulse?
when did we get out of step?
i still remember every dance.
in my heart, we aren't that far apart, but you're still gone, you're gone.

i scream.
i lash out.
i get mean.
but after all the rage runs out,
nothing has changed, you're gone, you're gone.

i'm cold.
i'm alone.
i'm empty inside my heart.
why?
why?
why are you gone?

At War

i follow the doctor's orders to the letter to feel better.
i need to apply the same principal to the 10 commandments to save my soul.
in my system, good goes gray and bad hangs around me in a purple haze.
i can't find my center.
the wii says i'm always leaning to the right,
but i'm always wrong!

there's an emptiness looming on my horizon.
i live two hours away from anyone i care about.
i have a lot more time coming into my hands.
i need some good directions,
but all i got is a high speed internet connection.

i'd love to have unlimited resources, but i don't.
money will be tight for awhile.
this is my time to do something for me,
but i don't know what i want.

i feel anxious, nervous, and confused.
it is an illusion they sold to me.
answers come with age, is what they told me.
maybe, i'm just not old enough yet!

i click on one button to post this to my blog.
i have not been able to find such a button inside me to push to motivate myself.
in my head, words become weapons and emotions liabilities.
i can't locate my safe haven.
the good book states that peace begins within,
but i'm always raging my own internal war!

24 Ways

i got to stop thinking, that's when my troubles start.
when i think i got it all figured out, that's when it falls apart.
i keep putting all my eggs in one broken basket.
i think that makes me the basket case.

i don't know why i am always out of place.
all guys want to do is play with my boobies;
then they're off to find someone prettier then me.
i've given up trying to fulfill my own desires.

i was hoping you'd be different, but you aren't,
as long as i have a choice, i will choose the wrong man.
i'm drawn to the ones that play my heart strings.
they master me then they want someone else.
the right woman is always the woman after me.

the longest relationship i've had was 4 years.
he spent 2 of them out of the country,
we waited 18 months for the divorce to finalize,
so he spent a whopping 6 months under the same roof as me.
he cried, as he screamed at me, you are impossible to love.
i think it hurt so bad, because i knew he was right.

am i so awful? selfish? cold? distant? crazy?
i could go on with the list of adjectives i've been called,
but it would take all day to get through them all.
i've tried to grow and learn from each failure.
i've found out 24 ways how NOT to have a successful relationship.
maybe number 25 will be the one that it all comes together perfectly!

i've dumped a few and a few have dumped me.
so it's pretty much even on that front.
i've never cheated, but i've lied.
i know there were times i could have tried hard,
but i get bored so easily.

in these moments of self-reflection,
i see the would haves, could haves, and the should haves,
all lined up in one long funeral procession.
i have my own dirge to dance around to in my head.

i still dare to hope that somewhere out there,
beyond the fear,
i hear of soul mates and whispers of ever-lasting love.
i'm not that ambitious though,
but a smackerel of love just might be enough to see me through!

Retreat

a great difficulty has arisen within me.
i am restless and wracked with worry.
it is because i need to be needed.
my soul is reaching out into the darkness,
but it only finds emptiness.
God created me, so he must need me!
why do i feel so alone?

i have withdrawn my affections from you.
i have bundled them up inside my heart.
i do not want to be rejected again.
my heart can not take much more heart ache.
angels do not communicate with me,
but i listen for the flutter of their wings every day.

a debilitating sadness has overcome me.
i am sorrowful and full of shame.
it is because i have no purpose.
my soul withers on the vine.
it is dying from having no one to love.
does God bring me this pain so i remember to love Him?

i have begun to build a wall around me.
i have shut off all my emotions.
i am imperfect and ugly.
my diseases infect others like a poison.
i have to hide myself away to save them.

a tremble ripples through my body.
there is no tidal wave of kindness to make me better.
every one knows i am defective.
even God averts His gave from my visage.
i have been cast out from His love.
i must retreat into myself
and try to overthrow my own rebellion.

When I'm Not!

if you ask you shall receive,
but i don't know the question i need to ask.
if you seek you shall find,
but i don't know what i'm looking for.
there's only confusion here.

God promises love and eternal life,
sounds like Heaven to me,
but fear whispers you'll never get there.
if this is all there is,
i worry that i'll never be blessed.

my nerves communicate to my brain
that my body is in a lot of pain.
i need to be part of God's salvation.
i fall every day into self-abusive ways.
i just want God to love me,
but it never seems to be enough for me.

if i'm a better servant for the Lord,
he will shine His grace upon me.
i don't know what to do
to find a piece of peace within me.

i run from what i can't comprehend.
i know prayer alone can't save me.
i need action to bring His love to me.
my heart needs to surrender
and let the Holy Ghost come home.

if believing wre enough,
i'd be golden.
if God were easy,
then Jesus' sacrifice wouldn't have been necessary.
i acknowledge there is greed in my heart.
i've tried to rise above the pettiness,
but i succumb to the basic temptations.

i am a child of God,
even when i think i'm not!

Remember

i'm in a constant state of confusion
all this exercising is altering my brain chemistry
i'm hyper and panicked
i want to shake off this feeling of doom
i feel like i've derailed
and my runaway emotions are going to kill me

remember me, remember me
i want you to be the father of my desired child
your touch vacates all logical thoughts
remember you, remember you
you've seared yourself into my brain
but the timing is off again

i'm filling up my hollowness with regrets
i'm ashamed to admit your effect on me
i'm prancing around the parking lot
hoping you'll stop and want to talk
i feel like a cheap corner whore
and i can't make myself stop

remember before, remember before
i was not turned on by you
i thought you were married
remember her, remember her
she looks at you with love in her eyes
and i don't want to conquer and divide

Given Up the Ghost

i am feeling every fat cell tonight
i am weighed down by my heavy sighs
the only control i have is over myself
and i have failed at executing that
you toyed with my hormones
i was on a righteous track
but now i have fallen into the sinner's rack.

Jesus sat with the ones that needed saved
so right now he should be beside me
because i need him now more then ever
my bible offers me no respite
i still dream of fucking you every night

i am feeling every mile i have ever walked
my pain reminds me i am real
i have fallen all over the place
and i do not know if i can get back up again
i had fire burning through my veins
and i burst into lust filled flames

God i know i have disappointed you
right now i am a dirty minded whore
because i want him more then i want you
the scriptures tell me to flee
but i can not think when he is near me

i am feeling every regret i have ever had
my poor decisions drain me
the bottle brings a complete blackout
but i can not stay unconscious forever
eventually, i will have to take responsibility

the Holy Ghost has no love left to give me
i have no fight in me
i want to be wrong
but there is no more doubt
i have given up the Ghost for a man!

Trigger or Plug?

so it was a monday, i thought it was on a tuesday
how my heart confuses the days.
i've let this one get out of hand.
i feel caught between my desires and his demands.
not sure what i should do.
just sitting around here waiting on you.

you got a dilemma on your hands.
we're akward and blown away by the chemistry we share
i want to dive in an explore,
but you aren't so sure.
all i need to know from you is,
do you want to pull the trigger or the plug on this?

i've been walking in circles for days now.
i got 5 miles in today.
i keep hoping to catch a glimpse of you,
but you aren't tied up in this like i am.
i'm amazed at how well you segregate.

i've got a dilemma on my heart.
i'm not sure i want to wait.
you were the one that was able to show restraint.
i think someone needs to make the call,
do we pull the trigger or the plug on this?

I Die!

i am filled with sorrow
my physical pain is great
i weep

i'm afraid of burning in hell
my temptations are overcoming me
i fornicate

i am repentant
my disease is not permanent
i indulge

i am lost
my spirit is downcast
i ponder

i am weak in flesh
my sins invaded every cell
i cave

i'm defiled by my own hands
my useless desires do me in
i isolate

i am ashamed
my bed has stains
i deny

i am a reprobate
my behavior has lost me my savior
i drink

i'm acting like a fool
my sex drive makes me a tool
i covet

i am looking back to where i started
my progress has disappeared
i repeat

i am embarassed
my life is meaningless
i lie

i'm hiding in the house
my heart can't figure this out
i panic

i am going to stay here
my movements cease
i die!

I'm drunk!

i am drunk!
stuck between the freedom and the poison
pain has drifted out on a shot glass!
i amuse myself to no end.
i wish i could cure my pain,
oops, jack daniels already did!

tomorrow might brings headaches and regret.
i have self administrated my own pain medication.
getting on the healthy band wagon causes me pain.
my story is simple,
i'm the woman that has no happy ending!

i struggle with my understanding,
technology broadcast every fault.
love rises above dead doves,
i kill my heart for you.
who dares to defile me descends from heaven.
if you fall in love your flesh burns.

i regret this mess.
but i confess that this is a bad decision.
i enjoy this disconnected vision.
wrap me up and take me to bed
i want to touch another human being besides myself.

i got here full of gutter thoughts,
i can forgive you, but not myself,
all this is typed in a haze,
thank God, i'm still well behaved.

Lonliness Starts in Our Hearts

i knocked on your door but you never answered
i saw you inside before i knocked
i guess we've officially come apart
me and my anxiety's are at home now
i love how you told me at the start
if you no longer wanted me you'd just tell me
that's one more lie you told me

the way a man can drop off the planet
when he wants to rid himself of a woman
would make the great harry houdini proud
there's no mystery in playing the coward
women are driven to extremes by men
who refuse to give them closure
i've given up believing closure even exists

everyone denies involvement when a heart breaks
i wish i could be as cavalier as you,
but my conscience smacks me around when i let it down
we chase our tails hoping to catch ourselves,
be we never get anywhere and we want to place blame elsewhere
these are the games big boys and girls like to play

i listen to you tell a repeat of a misadventure in romance
the players have changed, but the game remains the same
you say you're tired of it and it's got you down
i suggest a break from love to get your head out of the clouds
but you're scared of the lonliness that lurks in the dark
my darling, lonliness starts in our hearts

i understand what it's like to have time on your hands
it's not a bad thing to be your own best friend
we fear being on our own
but we are born and we die alone
the only person we should depend on is ourselves
peace begins from within
and doubt comes from others mouths.

The Day after Mania

my energy bubble has popped.
yesterday i couldn't be stopped.
today every happy thought i had got its knee caps whacked.
my sleep brought shifting dreams that were jacked.
i cannot escape the dark side of me.

my hyper balloon has deflated.
my joyous mood got concatenated.
my ipod is back to songs that are mellow.
the voices in my head are back in tune with the cello.
i cannot swim against the sad rip tide.

my optimistic glasses got sat on and broken.
too many words got spoken.
i asked for honesty.
now i feel like a travesty.
i am harboring my own criminal.

my whirling dervish has collapsed.
i've had a depressive relapse.
there are many people now dazed and confused.
they are no longer amused.
i've split myself in two!

my speeding mind has crashed.
the manic feelings have ben stashed.
i do enjoy my up days,
but when they pass i pay!
the cycle has bested my control again.

Galaxy

world shifting, axis tilting, stars spinning
heart exploding, ears rushing, pulse racing
falling, i'm falling

sun imploding, planets colliding, galaxy expanding
giggling rapidly, tongue tied, stomach clenched
falling, i'm falling

i dance in my mind with you
in the middle of the living room floor
the bottom of the stairs
in the master closet
on my bed
it's everywhere we've been
i am falling deeper then i ought to
i've caught a tiger by his tail
and i want to yell!

moon eclipsing, asteroids passing, blackholes sucking
nerves rattled, palms sweating, lips licking
falling, i'm falling

clouds moving, rain pouring, skies darkening
thoughts doubting, stupid grinning, hyper driving
falling, i'm falling

i lie against you flesh against flesh in my mind
your smile blinds me
your warmth melts me
your voice entices me
on my bed
it's every part of you i want to touch
i'm falling faster then i want
you've got my attention,
and my entire galaxy is revolving around you!

Disarmed

i want what is bad for me.
on the sabbath day, all i can think about is you.
life threw me a curve ball on a tuesday.

i let a fox into my hen house.
i invited him in and showed him around.
his advances caught me off guard,
but now pandora's box has been opened.
dag nab it, my sexual curiosity has be reawakened!!!

my physical condition is improving.
my breathing is easing.
but men can see me now.
i fear being found attractive.
why do i have to be thinner to be healthy?
my buffer of fat is disappearing.
i'll now have learn how to interact with him.

i like my walks and i'm a bundle of energy.
the house is neat and organzied.
i feel better about myself,
but i worry about falling for a smooth one like you.
i can do it this time.
i don't know what has changed,
but i haven't panicked like before.

my life has improved.
i'm learning to love what God has given me.
i will figure out this new body.
my renewed vow of chasity will hold out.
i was temporarily disarmed by his charms,
but a voice told me to flee fornication.
thank you God, for helping me out of a sticky situation!

The Symptoms

i am afraid you will leave and you haven't arrived yet.
i blame myself for my own mind games.
if i lie and say it's what i like,
will you come back into my personal gravity?
my feelings are tied up within myself.
i can be your north pole if you'd be my south.

i am paying more attention now.
i'm boosting my sexual intensity,
but you refuse to react to me.
i find the effort refreshing.
i hate when it comes easy,
so i keep building up the fantasy.
i hope you can deliver a 1/4 of what i'm dreaming.

you are my current obsession.
i let the last one go for you.
he was a hopeless attempt.
you show promise to bring me multiple orgasms.
it's hard to keep me satisfied.
i'd like to give you another opportunity to try.

you have no idea how you've sent my world spinning.
i had gotten comfortable with my lonely routine.
your little smirk and fleeting touches haunt my dreams.
i'm looking forward to riding you,
so i'll keep prancing around for you.
because i got the disease of lust bad,
and you're the only relief for these symptoms!

Hot Men

i have no idea what i am doing.
my instruction booklet is in simlish.
out of left field came an unexpected offer.
i could not process it, so i laughed.
now time has passed and i want a do over,
but the chance has passed.

waves and smiles are exchanged,
like nothing changed.
i'm amazed at the power of intentional forgetfulness.
i wonder what you would do,
if i winked and blew you a kiss?
mix it up and have some fun with you.

i know i made the right decision.
physical delights are temporary.
i'm missing the spiritual connections.
my mind runs through the possibilities,
but my history predicts a horrible end.
when i play with hot men,
i'm always the one who burns!!!

A Good Time

i had fun today,
me and my family.
there was laughter
and true happiness.
a good time was had by all!

as we rest quietly,
the images process rapidly.
joy and peace settles
upon our hearts.
we are tired and content.
our good time will be remembered by all!

memories have been created,
like capturing magic in a bottle.
the imprints of experience
leave these jovial marks.
i am zealously storing every second.
this good time might never be repeated,
but it will be held dear by all!

Family

feelings are not contained
all i need is a smile
my family doesn't try to change me
i am theirs and they are mine
love is just given not demanded
you aren't complete without them

family accepts you
abundance of laughter and memories
mixtures of all kinds of crazy
imaginations run wild
little ones are adored
you look forward to seeing them

full of encouragement
allowing you to show every emotion
my family takes the brunt of my worst moods
i love them the most
life would be empty without them
you wish you could love them more

fantastic and incouragable
attitudes and misunderstanding
meemaw's and mamaw's all have an opinion
illogical reactions can strain the bonds
leaps of faith are often required
you can't pick and choose them

faith is a must
aquiring patience will help
making time for them is important
i hope one day they'll forgive me
love has to be a two way street
years can turn love cold as distance grows

family isn't always want you want it be
absence can destroy love
mistakes can stack up around you
ignorance rears its ugly head
like mindedness can disappear
yes, family can be both the best and the worst thing to ever happen to you.

God Knows I'm Here

why do i bleed so much when my heart's been ripped out?
why do i cling to an idea that doesn't want me?
power leaves my body and i grow weak.
my mind gets caught up in fantasies.
i can not live on hope alone.
i hunger for more.
i am sick of chewing on old bones.

i am not important to the world.
God knows i'm here,
but i struggle to keep him.
i weep when i hurt.
i leap for joy when i don't.
i got to have a good day today.
tomorrow, i don't know what mood i'll wake up in.

why do i lie to people to spare their feelings?
why do i cry for no reason?
my night's are lonely and i grow weak.
my body longs for the warmth of a man's touch.
i can't live on faith alone.
i have to learn to trust.
i have to let myself fall in love.

i am not someone special to you.
God knows i'm here,
but i struggle to keep him near.
i want to be more like you.
you are full of warmth and kindness.
i don't want to dominate our conversations.
tomorrow, i will ask you your thoughts and listen!