Baby Bird

i'm in the middle of an internal war.
i tug and pull trying to free myself from sin.
my soul is half light and half darkness.
i make a little progress towards good
and i hear my screams in my dreams.
i cry and the salt burns my eyes.

you reach out to pull me to safety.
i try to hold on but it's not working.
i can't meet all the demands.
i feel the world crushing my chest.
i hear the whispers, has she lost it yet?
i turn to Jesus and fall into his words.
i hope when i emerge i am healed.

i feel like a baby bird that's fallen out of the nest.
i'm still new in the ways of good.
i don't know how to fly yet.
i'm trying to gather all the scraps of my past.
i want to put them to rest.
what is the point of starting over if you forget why you need to?

i see the stage set for my first performance.
there's an audience of one.
He sees what's on my mind
and what's in my heart.
His love is all that matters.
i've had a 1,000 chances, but he never tires.
He always welcomes me home.

this is the beginning of a new me.
i've tried before, but i never get to the happy ending.
i always fell off the wagon,
but i've never taken it this seriously before.
i carry His words everywhere with me.
i use His spirit like a shield to protect me.
i know my time grows short.
the only person i keep hurting is myself.

my eternity will be whatever i make it to be.
God will be with every step i take.
my faith is armor that covers me.
i will fight my battles day by day.
every choice i make brings me closer to heaven or hell.
there's no one else i can blame if i fail!
i accept God's will.

Crying Season or Hey

hey, i was thinking about you today.
you drifted into my thoughts,
like the ebb of a noon day tide.
i found you circling my mind.
i couldn't recall the last time you called.
it seems like we both want something.
i think you're out to save my soul
and i just want a warm body to hold.

hey, i cried for no reason today.
just burst into tears like it was crying season.
i'm not sure when it stopped,
but i thought it would be nice if i had your shoulder to cry on.
your shoulder's look strong,
like you coud carry an extra burden or ten,
but you want a friend.
and i want an intimate committment.

hey, i wanted to tell you something.
i think about your back story
and i think you are awesome.
how you lied to me about what your tattoo meant.
i smile when you reach out to me.
i may not be able to give you much,
but i'll bring everything i've got.
sadly, it has never proven enough for anyone.

hey, do you know i pray for you?
i find it odd that i do.
you aren't suffering,
but i want a better day for you.
the simplest way to express myself is to pray to God.
i tell him how great i think you are.

hey, don't forget to stay in touch.
i'm outside your usual circle,
but you could stop by from time to time.
i don't know if i ever cross your mind.
your smile would brighten my day.
your memory already brings me light.
i thirst for you like a person in the desert with no water.

hey, i know one day you'll be great.
you are a better person then i am.
you stopped and offered me your hand
and i am thankful for you.
you are a good and honest man.
i know i don't deserve you.

Migraine

i am locked into a battle with my own head.
the pain hides beneath my skull.
it pounds with no mercy.
my eyes close to shut out the light.
i pray for God to help me with this fight.

i wake up hot and sweaty.
the scent of illness lingers on my flesh.
my fever burns me from the inside out.
i worry about the day.
how am i to function this way?

i take a cold shower to lower my body heat.
i think i see steam coming off of my body.
i take the recommended medications.
i hope they are able to kill the monster inside my brain.
my skin is hot to the touch.
i curl up on my couch and cry.

i fall into a deep drug induced sleep.
my dreams are hazy, disturbed and brief.
i awake to the sound of a horn.
the dog licks the salt from the tracks of my tears.
i slept 2 hours, but the migraine still rages.
the migraine is winning this war.

it takes all the strength i have to get up.
i stumble to the kitchen sink to drink some water.
the day's are longer when the pain is stronger.
i am overwhelmed from this battle.

i manage to get up the stairs
and collapse into my bed.
i lie there staring up at the ceiling,
while the migraine strangles my thoughts.

i close my eyes and try to focus.
i utter one sentence,
God please help me!
finally, i drift off into the solace of sleep.

it's 2 am now.
i have awoken feeling better.
i take another cold shower.
the fever is gone,
but the migraine desperately hangs on.

the pain is now dull.
it is a welcomed change.
i thank God for the relief.
i can see the light at the end of this excruciating tunnel.

i smile a little bit.
my migraines and i have a long history.
it's not my friend, but a bitter enemy.
one day i had hoped they'd disappear,
but now i know the migraines will come and go as they please.

i will enjoy the peace in between these battles.

Overworked!

my mind is racing.
my heart is chasing shadows again.
i search for meaning behind the words i am reading,
but i am lost.

i am spending too many hours working for my paycheck
and not enough towards saving my soul.
my 5th straight week with nearly 60 hours worked.
i've forgotten where work ends and my life is supposed to begin.

there's no relief in sight for this overtime
and the worst part is i'm salary.
so the more i work, the more my hourly rate drops.

i'm so tired.
last night i even worked in my sleep.
i don't know how much longer i can keep this pace.
my butt and lower back have constant cramps.

i work at work.
i work at home.
i even answer emails when i'm on the road.

i'm burning this tight rope from both ends.
i have no safety net to break my fall.
i've use the past 20 minutes to walk around and stretch.
the day started at 6am and it shows no sign of ending.

this is just the beginning.
the busy season begins in september.
i have until the end of august to get all my systems in a row.
then we dig into our backlog of work.
my vacation will be working ones.

this has to be why 1 out of 4 americans are depressed.
i'm overworked and stressed.
i have sharp pains in my chest.
i'm thankful for the job, but work knows it.
it's still hard to find work.

the economy is not as recovered as dc hoped.
so i think i will find a way to cope.
most of my coping skills are destructive.
i need to learn some new tricks.

my 20 minutes are up.
it's back to the keyboard.
bck to work.
am i wicked?
cuz i hear there's no rest for the wicked!

Undivided Affections

"Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth:
for thy love is better then wine." SS 1:2

my mind hangs on the magic of your touch.
these thoughts of mine are backsliding to the sweet sins of flesh.
vanity is unholy and i've underestimated your pull.
there's a fire raging in my heart and fear dancing on my nerves.
i have to find strength to reject this evil.

my madness spreads through to my soul.
i have lost the wisdom of the truth.
my devotion has become a lesson in fragility and sorrow.
the advesary is gifted in disguising lust as love.
God is jealous and demands my undivided affections.
i know where my duty lies.

the afterlife will be bleak if i die steeped in lies.
i am sane right now.
i keep this moment as a souvenir.
i must be blunt with myself.
the way i desire him is the signature of the devil himself.
these temporary obsessions of mine are destructive.
more proof to me that my journey toward heaven will be long and arduous.

"For God shall bring every work into judgement, with every secret thing,
whether it be good, or whether it be evil." ECC 12:14

every thought that has ever been in my head;
every desire that has ever twisted in my heart;
is under review, so i have to learn to control myself more.
i have to pray harder then ever before to resist these temptations.
God deserves my undivided affections.

Path to Heaven

i knew my freedom wasn't perfect.
i was slipping into temporal desires that led nowhere.
i thought once your innocence was lost you could never be clean again.
i would follow the teachings of Jesus for a little while,
but i'd run low on spiritual fuel and abandon ship.

i didn't understand the directions.
i let lust and doubt interrupt my journey.
my efforts would easily be derailed by sin disguised as good.
i'd fall for all the pretty boys and their satin words.
i thought i was in love, but i was just in lust.

my faith would be tested again and again.
i'd cry for hours desperate for a sign that i was on the right track.
i was little in faith and terrified of the future.
i decided to focus on now and pray.
the clouds parted and the sunshine was brilliant.
i was blessed with the comfort of the Holy Ghost.

i realized the trappings of this life are nothing.
i could not depend on others to lead my way.
only i can determine the path i take to heaven.
i don't have to be a visionary to see how beautiful God made everything.
i no longer fear the fury of damnation.
this is true freedom, like God, it is perfect.

Pacing

i pace in the anxious worry of fear's embrace.
my mind races from worse to the worst case scenario.
i know there is no one that will come to save me.
and i don't understand why i can't overcome my own neurosis.

i would walk away from myself, but i'm attached.
i tossed and turned last night struggling with insomnia again.
sleep is so hard to come by that i begin to break.
i'd take some pills, but they stopped working.

i turn to the good book for some good advice.
i notice the word fornicate is in there alot.
my thoughts are not holy ones.
i miss a man's touch.
why do i make it so difficult for me to love?

i combatted a migraine last night.
i think it was a draw.
my head now aches dull, but the migraine isn't gone.
but the pain is at least tolerable to me.
i wonder if i'll ever be free from pain.

i know what i am thinking about is a sin.
it is selfish and self seving and wrong.
but my own mind still brings it up as an alternative.
i turn it down, i can't try to do that again.

my dreams are drawn to my own demise.
i'm sure the same people will be there.
the same group always shows up.
i stand there and watch.
i ask if i must go.
i'm told no, but i must choose, either start living or lose.

i had made progress.
one night has turned me inside out.
it is amazing how my pendulum swings.
it defies gravity in how it can move against all possibilities.
i want to be a better person,
but right now i'm just fighting to stop huring.

i pace around my living room thinking i should be praying instead.

Right Through Me

if i could borrow a better singing voice tonight, i would sing this little melody for God.

hope has never been so sweet.
as i grow stronger in my faith,
every day i learn your plans for me.
i will not cheapen you.
i am blessed to be yours.

i have been lost
and i have been weary,
but you saw right through me.

i'm building on the right foundation now.
your words filling me with joy.
thank you for sending an every day angel.

i have been stupid
and i have been wasteful,
but you saw right through me.

love was temporary for me.
i always envied others.
you opened my eyes to what matters.
my possessions are not my worth.

i am awakened
and i am welcomed,
but you won't ever hesitate to see through me.

if i falter,
if i fall,
you will always call me out.
you see right through to the heart of me.

tomorrow will bring more temptations.
there's always a choice
and i fear making the wrong one.
you send your spirit to guide me,
if i shut up long enough to hear.

i have been careless
and i have been lazy,
but you see through me.

i know you see through my fears to who i want to be.
i know you love me all the time.
O, God, my heavenly Father,
you see right through to the heart of me
and i thank you for keeping me.

Thank You for it All.

i went to sit outside because i need the sun.
i got to thinking about what else i need.
i need the sun because i'm low on vitamin d.
i can't see this need, but it's in my blood,
like how i need Jesus' sacrifice to return to God.

i can't plead ignorance.
i can't deny his existence.
the years i wasted running away from the truth.
there's only one thing i have left to do,
accept my eternal destiny and be blessed.

i have been foolish.
i have been reckless.
my youth left scars far deeper then the ones you can see.
you took from me more then i thought i could bare,
but you blessed me more then i ever knew.
your spirit was there to comfort me in my darkest hour.
all you've ever shown me is love.

i can't turn away.
i can't be afraid.
i still have time to make amends.
there's only one thing i haven't done.
i get on my knees, bow my head
and say a prayer to thank you for it all!

for the good and the bad,
for all the angels you sent to help me along the way,
for your patience,
this life i have now i'd never change.
no matter how destructive i got to be,
you never gave up on me.
thank you God.
thank you for it all!

A Basic Miracle

i had stockpiled my fears in every corner everywhere,
like a hoarder i could no get rid of a single fear.
my way loaded me down, like an anchor,
i was docked, stagnent at the port of depression.
i refused to receive forgiveness in my heart.
my talent was lying on the ground rotting.
i couldn't believe there'd ever be a place in heaven for me.
i thought my mortal body would get one performance.
i had forgotten my soul is endless.

i would see myself physically trapped in hell.
the fires of my sins surrounded me with their hot revenge.
i accepted that i was doomed to burn,
then on a tuesday evening, my path was diverted.
it took the warmth of human kindness reaching out to me to save me.

i resisted the gentle persuasion of the spirit.
you persisted to prepare me through unconditional acceptance.
slowly, through your love, a miracle overcame my doubts.
the basics are the easiest lessons to forget.
my perceptions began to shift.
i looked into my newly awakened eyes to see hope.

the abundance of the spirit you planted within me began to grow.
i was no longer afraid of running out of time.
i stopped thinking about death as a final end.
the scaricity of my faith was an illusion fed to me by the advesary.

i replaced sin with love.
i erased the errors of my past.
i embraced my natural gifts at last.
now i know true freedom is the absence of fear!

Waste of a Day

i feel the energy drain from my body.
i woke up exhausted,
like i ran a marathon in my sleep.
i'm not sure what it means, but today is hard on me.
i'm sitting quietly in my assigned seat.
ipod plugged into my ears.
i zone out and pray 5pm comes quickly.
my brain is parked in neurtral for the day.

i don't want to move a single inch,
but the candy is at the end of the hall.
chocolate sounds really good to me right now.
i weigh the pro's and con's of getting up.
i decide to stay put unitl after lunch.
i know i'm not the only one to have a day like today.

my internal monologue continues unabated.
i lose myself in nonsensical thoughts.
i dart and skip from one fantasy to another.
work tries to pull me away but i resist.
i know i'm expected to give 100%,
but the 10% i have today barely runs me.
i can't even remember how to transfer a call!

i think it's safe to say this is a waste of a day.
so i pull completely into my shell.
close my eyes and drift off into hell.
tomorrow i can try again to be better,
but today i'm just not going to win.
i take some pills for the pain.
i say a prayer and call it a day!

Not Sad and Not Mad (Amen)

i am falling, helplessly, calling for an angel to catch me.
i was wondering where i was going when you stopped to talk to me.
i was feeling lower then low the day we met through pure happenstance.

and

i'm not sad and i'm not mad.
these things will pass.
i won't worry about your past.
i've put these issues into the proper hands.
now i've just got to say amen, amen, amen.

i'm searching, endlessly reaching out for you to take my hand.
i am seeking to understand where you are coming from.
you are feeling lost but i swear to you my heart remains true to you.

and

you're not mad and you're not sad.
we both know these things will pass.
we can't waste our time worrying about the past.
we've put this in the proper hands.
now say it with me, amen, amen, amen.

we're hoping, strongly believing, God will see us through.
together we are blazing a brand new trail.
we build our future as one renewed in faith.
we are feeling optimistic and joyful because we know it's simple.

and

we don't get sad and we don't get mad.
we turn to the Lord to set us free.
we listen to that still small voice to guide us where we need to be.
you can never go wrong if you put your problems in God's hands.
all you to do is lift up your troubles and say amen, amen, amen.

Perfect World

i'm getting lost inside my mind.
i sit and conjure up my own happily ever after.
there's a big house full of screaming kids and
a man that loves me more then anything,
in my perfect world.
time are good and laughter is free.
there's no where else i'd rather be,
but my perfect world is just a dream.

the place where i breathe isn't everything i'd thought it would be.
i sleep along, i eat alone, i talk to the dog.
the one kid i have is grown
and it's just me, with nothing to do but kill time.
so every chance i get i close my eyes to escape to my perfect world.

in my perfect world, there's water fights on hot summer days,
and cuddling in front of a fire on a cold winter nights.
there's a dinner table full of my babies.
someone spilled the milk and another one yells dibs on the last roll.
there's no place else i'd rather be,
but my perfect world doesn't belong to me.

the real world is eight hours surrounded by cubicle walls,
coming home to an empty house,
heating up dinner in the microwave,
just me with nothing to do but kill time.
10 pm is bed, my favorite part of the day,
when i close my eyes and fade into my perfect world.

Outbound Train of Thought

i woke up exhausted at 5:55 am today.
i got up and went into the bathroom.
i turned on the light and stared at myself in the mirror.
i looked translucent, like a ghost.

i felt dead, like i'd been ran over by the last train of thought
that left my head when i went to bed.
i was awake, but i felt like i'd just given birth.
i had an odd sensation in my hands.
i have never been a morning person.
my face is too white.
i look old.

if i ever win the lottery i will buy a new face
to match my new fancy place.
i am disgusted by every image of myself that i have ever seen.
i wish i was blind so i'd never have to look at myself again.

i keep telling myself, this is the week i make a change.
this will be the year i overcome my past,
but i keep covering the same old ground.
it's been forever since i felt put together.

this is my earthly home, i need to worry more about my soul.
i feel like God has set this life up like a stop watch.
He starts the clock when we are born innocent,
and only He has the knowledge when the clock will be stopped.
The one who did the most good in the time recorded gets a ticket to Heaven.
I hope He understands i am a slow learner!

i have control issues.
i am the first to admit i hate not being the one making the decisions.
accepting that i can not dictate to God what i want to happen in my life,
leaves me feeling like i'm drowning in a sea of chaos.
i can't breathe.
i feel sorrowful for wanting to veto God's will.

He immediately makes his point when i walk out the door.
the sky opens up and the water pours down on me,
like little reminders of his absolute power over me.
even i know a good rain can wash away all that is unclean.
i wonder if i should build a boat, because it's been raining alot these days!

Wings

under these wings i hide many things
like lots of strings,
odd little bits
and craziness.

there will be no flying.
there is no wind blowing.
so sit tight little bird,
tomorrow brings lift for
under those wings,
God gave you as a gift.

Healthy

the days are passing by me in a blur.
the redundancy in my work is gettting on my nerves.
i hate what i do sometimes.
i know that's not healthy,
but my feelings erupt abruptly at times.

the nights are long lonely hours.
my sleep is plagued with taunts of love.
i wake up sad.
i know it's not healthy,
but my subconscious likes to toy with me.

the weekends are full of errands.
i think if i keep moving the depression won't catch me.
i had ideas of grandeur at one time.
i know denial isn't healthy,
but it's the only thing that keeps the pain at bay.

the hours wind down on the clock.
i keep holding onto ghosts.
i am unable to resolve my internal conflicts.
i know i'm not healthy,
but i can't seem to heal my emotional wounds.

the alarm clock goes off at the same time every day.
if you compared yesterday to today, only the date would change.
i had dreams long ago.
i know regret isn't healthy,
so help me Jesus to let go and move on!

Casey

your lies became your truth
evil and good became one
you could no longer tell right from wrong
your moral compass spins with no direction
i can understand that

honesty isn't in your vocabulary
all your friends are imaginary
your fantasy world is all you knew
you never cared for anyone but you
i have been there too

the lines were drawn in the sand
no one knows what happened
you aren't the type to give answers
you zig and zag to avoid reality
it is fear that drives you

you forgot about her
you buried her underneath a carefree exterior
she will haunt your dreams
one day you'll have to face her and God
i expect you will cry then too

karma will catch up to you
babies are the purest of souls
all the bad decisions will be judged
God sees through all lies
will you do good now
and will it be enough to pay what is due

Soul for Sale

what exists outside of me means nothing.
it's what i hold onto inside of me
that brings meaning to my life.
money and possessions are pointless,
only God's love can bring me happiness.

i cannot buy a new soul on sale.
i cannot auction my heart on ebay.
if i turn myself toward the light,
the darkness will no longer surround me.
it's up to me to choose the good.
no one else can make the choice for me.

we each have a journey on this earth.
the path is a straight line,
but there are many temptations along the way.
my own journey to God is unique.
no one walks to the same beat in their head.
i seek to understand beyond what my senses can comprehend.
I physically cannot capture what I crave.

the sun lights up this page i'm writing on.
i feel courage pouring into me.
i sense a new boldness taking hold of me.
i cannot love what i cannot keep.
i read God's word like a starved lion.
i feast upon the spirit of his sacrificed lamb.

my depression is just me being homesick.
i was missing God and his spirit.
i couldn't tell good from evil.
i had gotten lost on my way home
and my life reflected this.

i've been struggling to see what was right in front of me.
the light got flipped on, and suddenly,
the answers were given to me.
you are what you read.
you are what you hear.
you are what you say.
you are what you do.
my perceptions were turned away from the Lord.
i am filled with joy to be back on track.
Amen!!!

Average

it's the middle of the road
or sitting on the fence.
it's doing your best just to make ends meet.
everything i am is average.
i do okay but i never get ahead.

i look typical, i guess,
for a mid west girl.
i did my best to leave the nest,
but i didn't get very far away.
at the end of the day,
it's always just okay.

i have an average iq,
and an average attitude.
i won't complain,
because i wasn't raised that way.
i'd love to find one man
that thinks i am beautiful just the way i am.

i use average words
and i make average pay.
my waistline, though large,
is the new average these days.
i am an average worker.
i do okay on an average day.

i used to tear myself apart.
i critized myself against perfect stars.
i now accept my average face.
God doesn't make mistakes.
He made me to be average from the start.
so i'm okay with being average today.

His Will

life is hard, but today that's alright.
i've kicked back on a chocolate sofa.
i'm enjoying life's simple comforts.
a gentle spirit has nested in my heart.
it's not perfect, but it's a start.

i'm delighted to be here.
it's a miracle to be born.
the way all the stars lined up.
how your mom and dad fell in love,
makes you believe in fate.

sadness robs us of God's warmth.
i've spent too many years in the darkness of despair.
i felt i had to be some impossible idea.
the perfect saint dressed in pure white,
but my white clothes all have mustard stains on them.
it dawned on me that i had to let go of perfect.

every day God's touch is within our view.
the blooming tiger lilies outside my back door.
the birds singing their beautiful songs.
my daughter watching reality tv.
all of it is evidence that God is here.

i thought i had to climb to the top of a mountain
or visit some exotic land to see God's hand,
but now i realize he is everywhere.

i am humbled.
i understand so little of his plan.
faith will have to guide me through.
i cannot see him, if i am not looking.
i cannot hear him, if i am not listening.
so today i sit still,
waiting, hoping, and praying to do his will.

Cold Soul

who let the cold in?
it's getting late.
i reach for the silence before it escapes.
i pull the blankets up over my head.
i lie there holding my breathe
pretending i'm hiding from death.

a knock at my door at a quarter to four,
i won't let you in next time.
i am happy to see you but sad when you go.
my house will never be your home.

you bring me my old insecurities.
i'm trying to improve myself.
i can't move forward when you hold me back.
i'm like a sponge,
i absorb whatever i surround myself with,
so i need to hear and see what is good.

why is this so hard?
i struggle for the words.
i will always have love for you,
but i can't see you anymore.
when i'm with you i forget to be true.
i do so many things i regret later,
and when you go i reek of shame
and i am stained with guilt for weeks.

i can't keep resetting myself every time you come by.
i should have never let you stay,
but i only have myself to blame,
for letting your cold soul in.

Teach Me

teach me to heal the wounds of fear.
bring me a healer to lead me back to righteous thoughts.
distractions tempted me into being unworthy.
i painted my life in the red of sin.
i built my own prison from selfish desires.
i am desperate to feel God's love again.

i will apply the golden rule to everything i say and do.
Jesus, I beg you for your forgiveness,
project onto me your light and grace
and i will serve for the rest of my days, amen.

my revelation to see soulful perfection
was brought to me while i was drowning in a sea of confusion.
i wasn't capable of seeing the truth.
my detour through many sins had my free will chained to several addictions.
i asked for a miracle.
i wanted to change my perception.
my atonement brought back to me an amazing peace and contentment.

i look forward to every new day.
i enjoy the opportunities to serve and pray.
i stand strong in the timelessness of God's love.
my nights of tears have disappeared along with my fears.
Jesus saved me and he teaches me how to help myself by helping others.