Dear Scott

my computer screen is the only light in the room.
i watch as the gnats are drawn to its light.
i shoo them away, i'm in no mood to spill any blood today.
i got my sullen music playlist on and i'm wondering when i'll see...
of course, my pen runs out of ink mid thought,
but these thoughts of you i can't keep.

i'm looking at the date and all i see is bytes.
101111,
yes i want you
no i don't
yes
yes
yes
yes
dear scott, give me some more!!!

my life is coming to its apex.
i'm not going to get any better from here.
i crave what he won't give me.
i pissed away my chance and he's taunting me with that fact.
too bad woman.
i got myself another piece of ass and you can't compete with that.
yes i can.
no i can't
yes
yes
yes
yes
dear scott, give me some more!!!

i've lost my mind!
but i'm crazy so i do this all the time.
i hand him the keys and open up my legs.
i pace in front of my computer waiting for a message from him.
i hope he doesn't know how badly i want him,
but i know he knows i do.
this is so messed up!

it's the thrill of stolen seconds that shouldn't be mine.
the kisses are sweeter when they are forbidden.
the passion hotter when you can't stay.
every sensation is 10 times better when you only have a minute or two.
yes we can't stop.
no we can.
yes
yes
yes
yes
dear scott, give me some more!!!

i feel like a dirty whore, but i'm not getting paid or even laid.
i swear i've been such a good good girl.
there's only touching, rubbing, sucking, nibbling, and squeezing.
he has me playing with his matches.
i keep waiting for us both to catch on fire and burn.
yes i want you
no i don't
yes
yes
yes
yes
dear scott, it's time for you to give me some more!!!

Seek Clarity

should i be worried?
constant trouble rests on my mind
opinions are tossed out hurried
the consensus is i must be blind

time is slipping away from me on a downward slope
gracefullness isn't in my character
can't keep myself dangling on such a short rope
obsession has given me a hair trigger

underneath my calm exterior
lonliness consumes me to the breaking point
obviously, i'm pretending to be cheerier
maybe it's time to make my point

before i speak up i select my words carefully
ecstasy rest upon me seeking clarity

Adieu

i'm growing weak from the havoc you create
you disguise your lies as a lover's appetite
my heart can't be sustained with you as my mate
my hopes are flying away like a runaway kite

i built you up and you tore me down
it hurts when you don't respond
your rejection slaps me around
i dumped your belongings into the pond

my tears echo in these empty hallways
your memory haunts every corner
i let you rule me with your dominant ways
my foolish pride made me a slow learner

your anger is the only part of you i knew
it's been long overdue to bid you a final adieu

Just Keep Swimming

i'm sitting here wondering how my life got to be so plain.
i'm like a fish swimming mindlessly with the current.
i don't ponder where to go because i'm too busy swimming forward.
i'm on cruise control and there's no one behind the wheel.
i wait on a response from a computer dating service.
rejections hard, but it's harder and colder when done by instant messaging
i have to start resisting and begin to swim against the current.

i don't want to spend all the hours that remain alone.
i shouldn't have to degrade myself for a kiss.
his touch sends my senses into fits of madness.
so now i know he's danger in human form,
i can hide out here until the coast is clear.
i have to remain calm and detached,
his kind attack when they smell your waiver will.

i'm hardwired to desire what i can't obtain.
the other one never appealed to me before,
but he got a woman, so now i flirt with him more.
i still don't want him, but he's more interesting.
just because another woman has staked her claim.
all my reasons are selfish and deluding.
i can't admit to myself that i fear love.
even now i can't digest the words.
i tell myself that can't be true, it just works well in this verse.

this little sunfish wants to be loved.
sex doesn't keep me warm on cold winter nights.
the memories i want to make require committment.
i'll just keep swimming until i run out of ocean.
one day i hope the net of love will scoop me up,
but i can't hold my breath forever.
i've got to throw back the men i can't keep!

Disaster Ahead

i can still taste you at the back of my throat
every time i swallow your saltiness is on my tongue
i lick my lips automatically to savor your flavor
there's something about you that has me hooked

i think these love bites on my neck are going to bruise
we're not passed the oral stage in the play
but each production brings my house down

i know there's no happily ever after with you
my libido doesn't care if you marry me
i'm like a horny teenage boy these days
i just want to get laid every day, all day long

i'm sexually charged out to the max
and your touch sends me into full climax
all the warning signs are here
watch out woman, there's only disaster ahead,
but i keep letting you do what you you want to do to me!

Break Itself Apart

i'm slipping back into bad habits.
you're bringing me emotions i thought i had resolved.
i asked you to come back.
i was stupid to do that.
i answer the call of my heart.
even if it's wanting to break itself apart.

i was surprised you agreed to be here with me once more.
i warned you a part of me was still in love with you.
i never told you that part of me was my heart.

i've tried to move on.
i've gone on dates.
i've been screwing around, but your name hovers on my lips with every kiss.
i don't want to string someone else along when i can't fall in love with them.

i love the way you work yourself up into a frenzy.
you have to have the last word in.
it can be maddening, but i find your passion intoxicating.
i never want to stop partaking in your intellectual double talk.

the way you touch me stokes my desires into burning higher.
i know this will only break my heart.
i can't deny what my heart wants.
even if it's wanting to break itself apart.

it only crys for you.
it never listens to my reasons not to.
my heart loves committing high treason.
and i'm left with the fall out.

you changed a few things.
we don't talk every day this time.
you're working hard to draw the lines.
the sex got better, i got thinner and you got fatter.
six months had passed with no contact, but we came together hotter then ever.

the future isn't clear.
my heart has become ensared by you again.
i love the way you relish the mundane.
your zest for enjoying the little things amazes me.

i thought i'd learn my lesson.
you had schooled me and i cried like an empty headed fool.
but here i am ready to be yours again.
my heart's yearning is stronger then my will to refuse it.

you once told me i was self-indulgent.
now i'm wishing i wasn't.
my heart can't let you go.
even thought its wanting you will cause it to break itself apart once more.

Mouth Full

isolation is salvation.
do i even need to speak today?
if you never say anything then no one can misunderstand you.

silence is golden and loose lips sinks ships.
you hurt my feelings and don't even flinch.
i wish you never spoke to me.

your words strip my soul and rape my feeling over and over.
you call yourself brutally honest.
i think you like being mean.

i'm tired of being the brunt of your jokes.
i'm sick of getting cut on your barbs.
that tongue of yours gives me goosebumps when it licks my flesh,
but chills me to the bone when it's not.

i've been avoiding you.
i thought i had toughened up, but my skin still isn't thick enough.
your voice gets under it every time you talk.

i don't want to hear you talk to me anymore.
i guess i will have to find a way to keep your mouth full.
that way i can actually enjoy your company.

So Damn Cool!

i'm unable to see where we went wrong.
we've crossed over the road we should be on.
i won't hesitate to tell you what i think.
i know you think it's too late.
i can forgive if you can forget.
i want to glue all these pieces of us back together again.

listen to my praryers.
all i've had for company since you left,
is the Father, His son and the Holy Ghost.
And you only believe in one of those.
I'm no one, but i want to be someone.
when we were at our best no one could tear us down.

i confess i'm a mess.
my ability to handle this is gone.
by my words and hurtful actions i've left myself depressed.
i feel vunerable and confused, but you seem so damn cool!
like none of this bullshit ever effects you.

tell me what you want to hear,
please, make it very clear.
i know you're never coming back.
i'll just have to adapt.
it wouldn't bother me so much if you could act like you cared.
i guess i do see where we went wrong.

I Don't Want to Hate You

i got hope growing inside of me.
peace and happiness are taking root.
i'm building my own ark to save me from my old tears.
i don't want to hate you.

i'm finding someone new.
he's going to be better for me then you.
goodbye's hurt, but new beginnings are sweet.

i look out into the darkness.
i dismiss my fears.
there's no time to wallow in my tears.
i treasure every memory we made, but i need new ones to keep my heart fed.
i don't want to fear you.

my mind rolls along passed the thunder clouds you made.
the sun is finally shining down on me.
life isn't as complicated as you want it to be.

i dream of days free from worry.
i'm exhausted from all the sleepless nights.
i know i tried everything, but nothing ever satisfied you.
i'll miss your smile the most.
i don't want to forget you.

there's no stranger knocking on my door.
i have a life to live.
i can't waste anymore time on you.

Death of My Social Self or Sad Song

one more sad song plays on to pacify my lonely heart.
there's nothing new, but plenty of the same old shit here.
the house needs cleaned, but i have no energy.
i sit on the couch and pout about your lack of affection.
i haven't spoken to anyone all day, but in the silence i only find pain.

the urge to pick up the phone to call you is overwhelming.
i don't want you to know how desparate i am to hold you.
these moments of sanity are few and far between.
i realize your life is easier without me.
that makes me sad, but i have no tears to cry for you.

the dark is coming sooner now; it's time to fall back.
the light excludes the parts of me i spend the most time with.
i'm working more, eating less, and cursing the day i met you.
no more nonsense when you come around.
i will untie my tongue and tell you how i feel.

"i" is so selfish, i'm obsessed with myself.
how do i feel, what do i want, where do i belong?
i've lost the ability to empathize with others.
i've drowned in my lonliness.
this death of my social self may be permanent.
no more promises will come out of my mouth!
i will do this all on my own.

i can't stop writing because there is no more paper.
i can't quit thinking because no one cares what i think.
i have opinions even though no one wants to hear them.
i don't need a room full of people to pity me.
the voices in my head and i will have each other.
there will always be a sad song for us to sang along to!

Dare To Be Myself

i feel heavy, like i've been sedated.
the lime green fleece blanket wrapped around me is the only warmth i feel.
he's not what i need, but he's what i want.
i'm cursed with a restless heart and a high sex drive.
even if i get to keep him, i will leave him.
my soul is scheduled for a thorough cleaning, but i keep cancelling.
i'm not ready to be righteous.
my questions keep tackling me within one yard of the goal line.

comfort and comfortable is all i seek and need.
there's an excitement to playing with matches.
you hope one catches you on fire, but you cry when it does,
because the burns hurt and the scars are ugly.
this is my typical pattern of behavior, it leads me to these dark places.
if i could see past my emotions i'd have room to breath.
everyone is annoying me.

all i do is wait.
i'm waiting for a call.
i'm waiting for an email.
i'm waiting for a text.
i'm waiting for a test result.
my life is on pause.

if you promise to catch me, i promise to let go and fall.
i don't know where i belong.
nothing has ever fit me.
God gave me so many people who love me, but he never gave me the gift to love them back.
there's something broken in me.
i can't keep pretending it'll all be okay.

i say all seven of his sacred names, but the prayer brings no relief of my pain.
these ups and downs are making me dizzy.
when will i settle into something real.
my illusions cushion me from what is cruel.
i want to dare to be different, but i am different.
so i just need the courage to dare to be myself!

The Calm of Dying

i have to uncover my own voice.
i found my intentions, but i'm scared to tell you.
fear nails my mouth shut.
i'm not able to do this by myself,
but if you aren't in on this, it makes trying pointless.

september is a peaceful month,
full of the calm of dying.
nature gives up the ghost
and the leaves give one last show.
then they all fall down, dead, onto the ground.

i wish i had death's patience.
death never rushes, but waits calmly.
it knows we all have to die some day,
but i need to focus on living,
while i'm able to do what needs to be done.

i have to take my newly discovered ambitions
all the way to the end this time.
there's something i've wanted for a long time.
i never thought i deserved to have anymore.
now i'm sure my job isn't done.
i'm scared but excited too.

i'm giving myself a deadline.
you have to have a goal to achieve anything.
i might end up disappointed
or in a huge messy situation,
but i am ready to take this step.
it is better to ask for forgiveness then permission!

A Little Rumor

a little rumor about you and me is going around
i swear i only said three words, he's my type.
the buzz has begun, where do these things come from?
you've got my curiousity in overdrive.
i fear the talk will drive you away,
but it's not my fault!

my words have been taken out of context.
i said i think you're cute,
but i never said anything that would hurt.
you're backing up and changing course.
my emotions can't run their course.
you are under the influence of other people's opinions.

a little rumor has gotten it all wrong.
i want you badly but you don't know what to do.
you're hovering over me like a lone rain cloud.
my desires are getting the best of me.
i'll make a promise to you to never speak of you again.
will that settle your skittish nerves?
i'm not the one that is cheating on someone.
tell me please, what the hell do you want from me?

Power Over Me

you'd think after all these years i'd forget what you did,
but it all comes back to me too easily.
once you've been violated it never leaves your memory.
now i weep because someone i love now knows the pain i've tried to let go,
but the pain never forgets my name!

i remember the sounds and the smells of that day like it was this morning
your words still whisper to me in the middle of my night terrors
i was so young and naive
i thought it was innocent fun, but it got ugly so quickly.
i walked out of your bedroom in silence.
i still can't talk about it.
we never had sex again!
you haunt me and i'm sick of your fat ass'd ghost hanging around!

time is supposed to heal all wounds,
but i'm so scarred it's ridiculous.
every man i'm with i wonder if he'll hurt me like you did.
i've tried to move on, but it creeps into every relationship i've ever had.
the damage is mine to keep.
i'm not sure i helped her, but it's more then i did for myself.

i've wasted too much time in the past.
i need to move on.
the injuries that remain are all psychological.
he never thought he did anything wrong.
i wasn't strong,
but now i know how to make a stand.
the statue has expired,
but i'm done with it!
i'm over being his victim.
he no longer has any power over me!

The Risk

i've sunken down into the depths of despair
down here things aren't clear
i can hear you shouting my name
but you sound a million miles away

you can't carry my baggage anymore
i'm missing the fireworks that went off every time you walked through the door
we got comfortable with each other
that was when we got into trouble

i forgot how sweet you felt between the sheets
and you couldn't remember why you loved me
boredom seeped into the cracks inbetween us
the familiar became bittersweet
and we couldn't keep passion's fire burning in our hearts

finding someone new became all i knew
he couldn't be anything like you
you were the poison and i needed to find the anti-dote
these feeling of escape drove me into reckless escapades
i broke your heart for no reason
i stopped trying and you stopped caring
we broke down 1/2 way down the road

your touch is no longer mine
your kisses go to someone else
i didn't look at you anymore
i just saw right passed you
fog rolled into my thoughts

i saw greener grass on the other side of the fence
but when i got there the grass wasn't what i thought it'd be
i miss you, but i took that risk
no i'm paying the consequence
you're in love and it isn't with me

Bully

12:30 am the phone rang and the world went crazy.
i didn't say hello, i went right to what's wrong?
i've gotten this call before from dad, last time my mom had died, this time my neice is in icu!
i went from sound asleep to wide awake in one heart beat.
she's going to physically get better, but her mind is in a real bad place.

i've been depressed enough to try it.
i know exactly where she's at right now.
my heart is breaking with her pain.
i want to hold her tight and let her cry it all out.
that boy is a poison!
these are boo boo's i can't kiss away.
this precious child is being bullied to death by a boy that told her he'd love her until the day he died!
if i had my way that day would be today.

the teenage drama has gotten out of hand.
the new girlfriend travels in a pack of mean girls.
they're spreading lies, they tell her they are going to kill her.
the school did nothing, the 5 said they were innocent.
5 against 1 is not a fair fight.
my neice is a sweet and sensitive soul.
she hurts when she thinks you are mad at her.
she takes after my mom on that.
it's no way to live to put your happiness into other's hands.

it is time for her to heal.
hell is being raised at the school.
she will need to change and grow.
it's a hard way to learn to stand up for yourself.
God, help her, and help us to help her.
bring me the words to say to her.
send her the holy ghost to comfort her.
we will be here for her.
she can overcome this and be strong.
she will live through this!

Chemistry

i don't need my glasses on to see the warning attached to wanting you.
i prance around enchanted by your smile.
i push out my chest and curl my hair.
i want you to call me beautiful.
these games of entrapment we play where nobody wins.
you whisper all the things you want to do to me, but we never get that far.

our breaths mix as we stare at one another.
there's always some interruption, but we keep trying to steal one more minute together.
baby, you're my new drug, cuz i'm addicted to you.
my stomach tightens, my hips feel heavy, my head is spinning,
and every thought is focused on your heartbeating under my hand.
the seconds never last long enough.
i can't wait to be pulled into your arms again.

this antcipation is intoxicating.
i'm your fool.
you have me right where you want me.
you hold all my cards.
i've tried to forget above how your touch makes me feel,
but our chemistry is explosive.
i can't get over your affect on my flesh.

i get goosebumps every time i see you.
you're so close, but i can't reach out to touch you.
you are like the forbidden apple on a tree i can't even reach.
our words say so little, but when we get physical it's so loud it deafens me.

these brief encounters leave me unsatisfied.
i don't know how much more of your teasing i can take.
you are dangerous and i'm feeling reckless.
you're toying with me like a cat toys with a mouse.
it's not enough to keep me happy.
i need you to immerse yourself into me.
we don't know each other's details, but the way we make each other feel can't be wrong.
you feel so good to me.

we have a magnetic attraction to each other.
for 2 years we were unaware,
now we see and feel its weight bearing down on us.
we can't ignore it.
you have so much more then me to lose.
the timing is bad i know, but pandora's box has been opened.
you can't pour liquid fire back into a shattered jar.
we need to fight fire with fire.
we need to focus on what matters.
explore this chemistry to the fullest until we exhaust each other!

Finish It!

all the little houses look the same
all the little people in them are insane
i take my pain in short strides
just keep walking
just keep walking
until i kickstart my brain

never realized how hard it is
to bring him to the same page
he's wrapped up in her
i don't care if they call me a theif
i'm just a girl looking for some free love

all the little trees line up perfectly
all my lies are collapsing in on me
no one see past my smiles
just keep talking
just keep talking
until i kill the fear

never thought i'd get caught up in his web
he's smoother then his bald head
he's teasing me with his kisses
i wasn't the one who started it
i'm just the girl who knows how to finish it!

Tornado

i thought you were a sure thing
a solid bet you'd fall into me
but you misrepresented your availability
now i'm left with the taste of you lingering on my tongue,
but you aren't here to hold

you tease me with winks and sexual innuendo
you're smooth and full of bullshit
you have a little blonde bunny to play with
why is it so hard for you to tell me the truth
instead i'm left to speculate about your intentions
i need to walk away right now!

i'm letting this go, it's bringing me down
i'm not happy with the outcome
but i realize i have no control over you
you went the easy route
she's familiar and madly in love with you
i'm new and unpredictable
that really freaks you out

i'd love you hard and fast, like a tornado,
i'd lift you up and spin you around, then drop you,
watch you crash into the ground.
my love would dominate your existence,
until you'd wonder how you ever lived without me.
but you can't handle my uncertainty,
so you keep on taking the easy way out.

Scared Little Boy

the more things change, the more i get screwed
there is no me, there is no you
we are two people unattached to each other
you try to light a fire under me,
but after all your ranting i just want to cry.

you take the words i say and twist their meaning
nothing means everything to you
i'm sad to be back in your convoluted circle
a part of me will always love you
but i'm sick of you telling me what to do
maybe it was better when you weren't speaking to me

you tell me you love me to death
that explains why it's killing me to have you around
you're an expert swimmer in muddy water
you tell me to figure out what i want
that's easy, i'm crazy, because i want you

the more i need you, the more you disappear
you've been an optical illusion all along
you look like a man, you talk like a man
but underneath all that bravado,
you're just a scared little boy!

Power Surge

i'm having a power surge!
i feel strong and ready to take on the world.
maybe it was the sex or dropping 2 more pounds,
but i want to skip, jump, and dance all day long!

life takes an unexpected turn,
you thought you were done, but you talked it out.
now he's back, but nothing's clear.
all you have is how wonderful he makes you feel!

i'm not thinking, i'm just going with the flow.
there's no second guessing, no future planning,
just him holding me close.
i don't have any other plans,
so why can't i just have some fun!
this isn't a relationship, we're just screwing around.

i'm cracking, popping, snapping and i love it.
i feel on top of the world and i want more.
these hormones got me wound up or maybe it's him,
but i want to do him over and over again.

sex was never the problem.
we've always done that beyond well.
it's our personalities that keep on clashing.
we're both control freaks wanting to have the last word!

this isn't a fairytale and there's no happy ending.
i won't stick a label on it or try to defend it.
i have him for now and i'm going to just enjoy it.
i'm switching off my brain and letting my sexual needs drive this thing.

if i should let me heart back into his domain then i'm the idiot.
he's been very clear, he's not staying forever.
so i'm jumping off this cliff of uncertainty with both feet.
i'm accepting that i will probably get hurt,
but all i want is how he makes me feel!

Unfulfilled Desires

my heart doesn't know it's been broken.
i've been abandoned faster then a sinking ship.
the emptiness of your lies make me a laughing stock.
the high of your touch blindsided me.
you yanked my chains and pulled my hair.
we breathed as one, lust upon lust.
i felt your desire press against my ass.

i couldn't wait to taste you again, then it just ended!
abbreviated, i was truncated.
you robbed me of a new level of trust.
the lowest of the low crashed lower then ever before.
your hickey has faded, but your imprint remains.

i can't wait for this to pass.
the brief moment in my kitchen corner is over.
i scrubbed the counter over and over.
you had a dilemma, but i gave up before it began.
i lied to you, because i saw how she looks at you.
i don't steal, but i still feel.

i can't wait until she finds out about you.
i can't stay away.
you're the bug zapper and i'm the bug stupid enough to fly into you.
i'm not enough, even though you set me on fire.
you just walk away and watch me burn.
your kisses tasted like heaven.
your passion ignited dead desires.
now i'm yearning for your enthusiastic tongue against my breasts again!

i'm not waiting for you to come around to me again.
i'm adding another mistake with your name to my list.
a pattern is emerging, i'm putting this fire out.
i can't turn you around, so i'll just peddle faster to get over this hump.
i deserve more then you can give to me.
i am always the one doing all the sacrificing.
i'm lying in bed tonight with only my unfulfilled desires to keep me warm.

Imperfections

the wind blows cold on this monday morning.
the rain came in and washed away all that we had,
but i have your hand to hold, that's enough to get me by.
i love every one of your imperfections.
how you smell like cigarettes when you told me you quit smoking.

the house is a complete loss.
the photographs a mess of wet paper.
all the memories dissolved into a blob,
but you're hugging me hard and that's all i need.
i love every one of your imperfections.
your goatee and shaved head looks like every other man right now,
i can't get you to change it, so i just kiss your chin.

the cars are rusting out.
the motorcycle won't start.
we're living on the boat, never thought that would happen,
but we're laughing and eating smores, life is good.
i love every one of your imperfections.
how you tell me i'm the most beautiful woman in the world,
when i just saw you check that jogger out.

it wouldn't be this way if you weren't you.
the saddness would overwhelm me just like the water overran our stuff,
but you go out of your way to make me feel okay.
i love every one of your imperfections.
i think they are the best parts of you!

All the Way to Heaven

i'm going to walk all the way to heaven.
i don't know how long it'll take me to get there.
i hear there's a mansion for everyone.
i hope my mom's got dinner on.
this time i got it all figured out.
step by step, i'm walking all the way to heaven.

i've been practising around the parking lot.
four laps is a mile, i've walked 5 miles today.
i feel myself getting stronger.
i don't know the date or the time, but one day,
i'll need to be able to walk all the way to heaven.

the good book gives me a clear and concise to do list.
i have the 10 commandments to follow and great advice in proverbs.
there's a plan, a savior, and even some songs in Psalms to help me along.
i don't want to let God down,
so i'm getting ready to walk all the way to heaven!

Real

as i listen to the crickets' chirp, my enquiring mind wants to know more about you.
i am debating having all 7 of your sacred names inked into my flesh.
i want have you with me all the time.
the scriptures say you already are, but there's no pain, so it doesn't feel real!

as i watch the dog sleep at my feet, my heart is yearning to be closer to you.
you know my every thought, but i don't know that much about you.
i am ready to jump in with both feet and give you all i have.
i want to dedicate all of me to you.
there are so many places and faces claiming they are able to help me,
but there's no beacon beckoning me, so it doesn't look real!

as i sit in front of the computer checking in on work, my soul battles against logic for control.
i'm not worried, i know your truth will set me free.
scientist keep searching for the God particle to explain what they can't see.
every discovery they make brings us closer to our own extinction.
faith is required for your love, not mathmatical proof.
their numbers aren't adding up, none of it makes sense, so it doesn't sound real!

as i get down on my knees to pray, my whole being becomes in sync with you.
a calm settles over me. a feeling of contentment spreads through me.
i sense a presence holding me. i am comforted.
i can't explain it. i can barely find these words to describe it.
the world melts away and time stops.
i know you are with me, but just long enough, so you become real!