The Good Guy

I have power in my hands.
I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.
There’s so much blood on my hands at this rate they’ll never be clean again.
I’m supposed to be the good guy.

The one who saves the day.
But I can’t be there always, so I get all the blame.
I’m supposed to be the good guy.

The one who does the right thing.
But it’s hard to tell right from wrong these days.
I have to be perfect but I never am.
Everyone who watches me never sees me the way I am.
The expectations of the world are crushing me.
The publics favor twists in the wind.
I’m supposed to be the good guy.

My life is complicated.
I hold my feelings in.
I’m afraid to show who I love how I feel.
I have to pay the price every time I do.
My loved one’s suffer for me and they’ve done nothing wrong.
I want to walk away.
I want to throw it all away.
But at the end of the day.
Here I am and I’m supposed to be the good guy.

O

O, how you leave me breathless.
O how you make me lose control.
The way you make me feel is more then I’ve ever felt before.
You’ve cast your spell on me.
I’m trippin’ like I’m on E.

I’m so warm and fuzzy inside.
This is the first time in a long time I’ve been this happy.
You worked your magic on me.
You opened my eyes to a whole new me.
Every time I smile I have you on my mind.

I’ve never been this happy.
I’m way too perky.
It’s your style and flair.
The way I feel you when you aren’t here.
Sometimes it creeps me out.
Sometimes it freaks me out.

O, how you make me feel.
O, how you make me lose control.
It’s more then I’ve ever felt before.
I can’t run from it.
I can’t get around it.

Every where I go I know it.
Every one I see can’t stop this effect you have over me.
But deep inside there’s a voice whispering to me, O, how I worry now.
I can’t be this happy forever.
But it’s too late to turn away.
You got me in your fire.
I’m caught up in this desire.

Good Girl

I feel so sad
So heavy and bad
If I am a good girl do I get to go to Heaven?
Do I get to see you in Heaven?
Why am I alone?
Drifting aimlessly
Like a unwanted garbage barge
Just feeling so sad
So heavy and bad
If I get better do I get a ticket to heaven?
Will you be there waiting for me in heaven?
Why can’t I feel you anymore?
Everything is so cold
I just want to know
Are you proud of me?
And do you miss me?
I miss you
I miss you
Do you miss me?
Or is heaven too beautiful for you to care anymore
Does heaven take away the pain?
I feel so sad
So heavy and bad
If I try real hard can I be forgiven?
If I wish with all my might
Will God let me into heaven?
So I won’t miss you anymore
So I won’t be sad anymore
I want to go to heaven
But I feel so sad
So heavy and bad
If I am a good girl…

Circling

I watch the colors flashing
Red green red green
The numbers change one by one
I watch the digits climbing
Lost within these reflections of mine
Hypnotized by life’s misery
I keep walking down empty roads
Circling the solution that could fix it all
I see nothing ahead
But I don’t look up or down
I don’t glance side to side
It’s straight ahead to hell for me

I watch the colors flashing
Red green red green
My heart beats in time to their melody
I can’t keep fighting this
Loneliness that creeps into my veins
Missing the point each time
I am blind
I am deaf
Yet here I stand seeing and hearing what I want to see and hear

The Birthday

Happy Birthday to Me. Happy Birthday to Me.
Another year for me to fear.
Another tear for me to cry.
Another smile for me to force.
Happy Birthday to Me. Happy Birthday to Me.

I ate the cake. I opened the cards.
I see the wrinkles. I am tired.
I got spanked and my butt itched.
Oh, it's a another birthday for me.

Happy Birthday to Me. Happy Birthday to Me.
Another year to try and lose more pounds.
Another attempt to date.
Another round of denials and excuses
Happy Birthday to Me. Happy Birthday to Me.

Que Sera Sera

Plans are made and things are looking good to you
And then at the last minute it all falls through
That’s the way it is
That’s the way it goes
And no one knows what it means
When life decides to laugh in your face

He smiled at you and you smiled back
He didn’t stop and you didn’t turn around
Just two people scared to death to fall in love
Another day and another door slams on your toe
That’s the way it is
That’s the way it goes
And no one cares what it means
When life spits on your shoes

You’re late to work and the deadline is past
You’re called a slacker and loser
You just can’t pay all the bills this month
The car’s going back to the shop
You’re so behind the curve
That’s the way it is
That’s the way it goes
And no one says Tomorrow won’t be so bad
When life thinks your time has come

Everybody is dazed and confused
That’s the way it is
That’s the way it goes
Que Sera, Sera
When life happens to pass you by
When your life isn’t what you thought it would be
That’s just life’s way

Raspy

Raspy
Hoarse and corrosive
Abrasive and rude
I awake from my dream
Reality lies before me
Forceful and demanding
Confusing and listless
I runaway
I hide from him
Seeking and questioning
Knowing and betraying
My love
Destroyed
My soul
Barren
My heart
Raped
I cry for help
Raspy noises escape
My throat uncooperative
He finds me

The Road

Driving into the night under the vast black satin sky
Stars sprinkled across its canvas
I sit and ponder what just happened
You said Goodbye and Here I am crying into the night

I pass a sign telling me where I am
There are signs telling me where I’ve been
Signs about dangerous curves ahead
I saw no signs that you and I were going to end
You said Goodbye and here I am crying into the night

The road lulls me
The hum of the engine comforts me
My thoughts follow the bends in the road
I wish I had windshield wipers on my eyes
Because I’m crying like a hard driven rain
Here I am crying into the night

I am lost without a place to pull over and ask for directions
I am broken down and there’s no tow truck to call
I am wrecked but there’s been no collision
I have blown it and my tires are fine
You said Goodbye
You said Goodbye…

Good Today

I feel good today
Let us play
I feel good today
Don’t snow on my day
I feel good - - I feel good

Snow drifting down out of sullen gray clouds
Cold being drilled into every bone
By indifferent winds
Slipping and sliding on invisible icy streets
I woke up mentally ahead
I drove 2 ½ hours to get 10 miles
But I won’t let Mother Winter win
Even though Mr. Groundhog saw his shadow
I won’t give in

I feel good today
Let us play
I feel good today
Don’t snow on my day
I feel good - - I feel good

Unworthy

Blood Shot Eyes
Glazed over
Hypnotized by the glimmering screen
Flecks of light dance across the pupil
I am subjected to learning
The light burns bright
Burning day and night
My pupil dilates to adjust
I am under the curve
I AM UNWORTHY!!!

Shaking hands
Missing the keys
Spelling every word bad
Quivering
Pausing
Held in anticipation
I cannot finish my task
I am uncompleted

Red Tape

I’m sitting in limbo floating outside myself suspended from time as I watch the world pass me by. This black hole I fell into leaves me depressed and lonely. All I want is for you to hold me. What paper do I fill out for that to happen?

I’d sign it today. What’ the next step? Where do I go now? Is there another line for me to wait in? Another place to call? I’d move the moon to the sun if I thought it would get you here.

Tell me my next step and I’ll take it. Anything for you. I look around and I see every where we should be. My hopes are up in the air. Government agencies are trying to shoot them down. But I can’t stop loving you. I made a commitment to see this through, however long it takes.

No matter how deep the pain or how many times I cry. Please give me the next step. What the next step in this madness? Direct me. Show me the line. I’ll wait until I die.

Hand me the paper and I’ll sign it in blood. This is real. No games for me. Tell me my next step and I’ll take it. I’ll do anything for you.

The Way

If I find you would you let me walk beside you?
Am I responsible for my thoughts?
I’m led into dark places with confusing chases.
I keep screaming for you, but you walk the other way.
You walked the other way.

Some say I watch too much T.V.
I get a blank expression and I become it’s slave.
I say it helps me forget how bad it sucks today.
If I don’t watch the news I can keep it that way.

I’ve been searching for years for the one to ignite my inner desires.
I’ve taken detours.
I’ve crashed and burned a few times.
So many false starts and too many dead ends and then I bumped into you.
And I thought I was finally on my way.

The sky opened up and the sun rained down on me.
I heard angels singing your praises.
I could hardly breathe.
My journey was over.
My love’s been discovered and he’s more precious then gold.
You are the only way.

Some say it won’t last that you’re too good to be true.
And I’m being a fool.
I say I believe in you.
I’d rather have faith then be alone.
I know they’re wrong.
They have to be wrong.
We’re walking down life’s path hand in hand into eternity on our way.

I see my future in your eyes.
You never disappoint me.
My whole being feels your desire.
I’ll never take you for granted.
And you’ll do the same.
It's our way.

Delay my Day

Press the snooze again.
I try to delay the start of the day.
My dreams are too sweet to leave.
If I could only sleep my life away then I wouldn’t have to face that it sucks to be me.

I’m so sick of the rat race.
I’m losing myself to this place where I don’t know from day to day if I can pay all the bills and feed my kid.
My life has hit the skids.
It sucks to be me.
I’ll say it again, it sucks to be me.

I have no luck.
I trip and stumble over everything all the time.
My charms do so much harm that they’d set off a fire alarm.
It really does suck to be me.

Negative Perception

I have a negative perception of myself. I hate all within myself. I build myself up so I can tear myself down. My self-inflicted misery is all I have left of me. I look in the mirror and all I see is me and it scares me so.

I’m so good at being sad. I’m so depressed I never get dressed. I take away all the layers and expose the pain. Cover me in misery. I’m best when I detest me. I take self-loathing to new levels. I’m narcissism in reverse. All of my picture have the eyes poked out. I can’t even talk about all my self doubt.

You Were Mine

I turn the page and wipe the tears from my eyes.
One more day without you.
It’s a heavy cross to bare.
Looking at your pictures my heart swells with bittersweet pride, because you were mine.
You were mine.

It seems long ago and far away those days we laughed and loved.
The sun would catch the highlights in your hair.
You were so care free.
The world was your play toy.
No one would deny you.
Your smile opened so many hearts and you were mine.
You were mine.

You were snatched away too soon.
My pain goes on unending.
Time cannot heal these wounds of mine.
My heart will never forget you were mine.
You were mine.

Every morning I awoke to your face.
I got to watch you move and your grace always took my breath away.
You were so beautiful.
I felt blessed you were mine.
You were mine.

I could see jealousy in others eyes every time you walked holding my hand.
Our little universe we made up for just the two of us.
The sun was brighter.
The burden’s of life were lighter all because you were mine.
You were mine.

Once upon a time you were mine!

Hear my Heartbeat

Like a flash of lightning against the vast black sky I stand alone, exposed, waiting for you to come home. Your smile imprinted on my brain. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. Not without you here with me.

Those cruel words you spoke. I thought they were a joke. There’s no reason for me to let go when you’re everything I desire. I know what I want and I’ll have you eventually. You can’t escape me.

Every where you go, Every one you meet, I’ll be near enough for you to hear my heartbeat. You’ve been cruising along thinking I’m gone when I’ve been in your backseat all along. You can’t leave me like I’m the trash.

You promised me forever and I’m not giving up until you come through. You’re the fire burning in my soul. When I’m with you I’m alive.

If you want to go I can’t guarantee I won’t stalk you. You’re the one I can’t let get away. You don’t realize we were meant to be. Drop all of your insecurities our love will set us free.

Too Young to Feel so Old

I feel so much older since I last saw this place. The memories have begun to fade. Once upon a time was just a dream. I think I should go. I’m too young to feel so old. My heart is rotting from neglect. I’m hunched over walking alone. I’m too young to feel so old. I feel empty. Hollow inside. I can hear the laughter echo. I shiver and I want to hide. I don’t belong here anymore. I think I should go. I’m too young to feel so old. What I used to feel was so real. Now I mimic what should be there. I don’t know where all my emotions went. I’m walking along remembering I used to be happy. That wasn’t so long ago. I should go. The past is hurting me. I should go. I’m too young to feel so old.

Why O Why?

I’ve lost my focus. My inspiration is gone. My muse abandoned me. I’ve been used and now I’m discarded and bruised. I don’t know what to do. I watch the minutes go by as my fears start coming down mixed within my tears. I’m so petrified at the years I’ve wasted. I fooled myself into believing you meant me no harm. You stranded me. You threw me out of your arms and I hit the dirt hard. It knocked me out cold. I came to and you were long gone. There was nothing I could do. I held my head in my hands amazed at my own stupidity. You said we’d always be friends, but now I’m sitting here alone and I can see I got the short end of the stick, again.

Why O Why did you lie and leave me all alone when you knew that I loved you? Why O Why did you lie, make me cry, and swear to make you miserable? Why O Why can’t I let you go? I want to hunt you down and destroy you. Why O Why did you lie?

You set the stage perfectly. Every performance you gave me was academy worthy. The bate was on your hooks and you reeled me in every time. I was eating up every word you said. I had your bull shit with the fine wine. You left me blind. I didn’t see the punch coming. You took every one of my dimes. You said there was no crime. You conned me legally. I even felt guilty to accuse you. You made me think I was the problem. You sold your shit so well, because I bought all of it. I had pictures of you all over my place which just got foreclosed on today. I tried to look you up to bitch you out, but you don’t exist anymore. You disappeared along with my money. Damn it, you must think you are home free. Bet you already forgot about me. I’ve got a purpose now. It’s to find your sorry ass and take my money’s worth out of it.

Why O Why did you lie?

The Show

I’m just watching the show. I’m taking in all the sites and sounds. I’m lost in the crowd. Nobody knows I’m here. I watch them walk on by. The amazing parade of life. I’m an on-looker. Don’t get close. You’ll block my view. I don’t want to feel. I’m just watching the show! Pass the popcorn. Give me the chips. Get me a soda. I can’t get up I might miss it. Life is my favorite show. I never know what’s going to happen next. Now move. I see an impending event. Leave me alone. I want to just watch the show! Leave me alone. I’m just watching the show. I like being alone in the dark with my remote control. Go away! Let me watch the show.

I am Shattered

You take little pieces of me and if you put them together you'll see there are some pieces missing out of me. I am shattered. I've been torn and scattered. I don't add up to a whole person anymore. I am shattered.

I've given so much of me to you, I don't have all it takes to be myself anymore. I am shattered. I've been broken and discarded. I have ripped corners and lost pieces. I don't know where to look to find me anymore. I am shattered.

I've been tossed aside and pushed down. I got tape wrapped around my heart. I am shattered. There's glue oozing out of my soul. I can't fix myself anymore. I am shattered.

I tried too hard to pretend I didn't need my own identity. I was shallow. I am shattered. I was a cookie cutter image of your fantasy woman. I wasn't real. You weren't satisfied. I am shattered.

You said I had no depth. You wanted a woman that was more than your projection. I had no character. I am shattered. I was purely fiction. You left and my glass world shattered. I am shattered.

I surrounded myself with lies. I dressed up in a pretty disguise. I never considered you'd get tired of your own creation. I am shattered. I didn't have to think. I just asked how high? I didn't need to wonder. I just gave you what you wanted. I am shattered.

I even hid from myself. Who needs personality when you are wearing a huge diamond ring? Now I know I am not what you want anymore. I am shattered. I am only physically pleasing to you. I lack intellectual appeal. I am shattered.

You took a walk and I tried to talk and open up to you. You pulled back the veil on your painting and discovered a blob of nothing. I hadn't developed any interests therefore I'm not interesting enough for you. I am shattered. I just repeated what ever you'd say. If you liked something then I'd like it too. I don't know what I don't like. I am shattered.

I am just a shadow in heels. You finally saw a completed picture. And you left me. I am shattered. I threw the glass world you gave me at your back and it shattered. What is up is down and what is down is up. I don't know what to wear anymore because you haven't picked it out. I am shattered.

I am confused. I am naked. I am battered. I am shaken. I am raw. I am exposed. I am cold. I am alone. I can't think. I am overwhelmed. I am shattered. And finally I can live because now I'm shattered.

Pander to Me

Cookies, cakes, brownies and pies are all the things I love
Chocolate, Dr. Pepper, donuts and ice cream are all the things I crave.
Mac and cheese, cheesy fries, cheese coneys, and a big bacon classic with cheese are all the things that go straight to my hips.
These lips of mine keep sinking me deeper into this quagmire of fat.
I’m stuck in a vicious calorie cycle. Gluttony for one coming up.

I want my baby back, baby back ribs.
Where’s the beef?
Hershey’s is happiness?
B O L O G N A?
Be you, do what you do!!!

I hear it everyday. I see it everywhere. Pander to me. Pander to me.

Sell me what I don’t need.
Brainwash me to believe I have to caress before I dress.
And that calgon will take it all away.
Credit cards are the way to pay.
Yes, yes, it’s the American way.

Pander to me. Pander to me. Pander to me. I like it that way.

Everything is Still the Same

Life keeps kicking me in the ass. I never get enough to catch up, let alone, get ahead. I just paid Peter and Paul’s knocking on my door. My tax return was bogus, not enough to keep the lights on. I got doubled taxed while the rich man got richer. Wyoming sounds nice let’s go there to abandon all material possessions. We can live off the land. No, I forget Ted Turner and Hollywood bought all the land up there.

I’ll just dig my hole here and bury myself up to my hair. I’ll pretend to ignore the world and they will forget about me. You’ll see. One more working schmoe gone, but so many 1,000’s willing to work on. You can’t see me, you only see my hair. And I don’t care. Nope, I don’t care. Now I’m sitting on the toilet thinking about my lack of opportunities. Wondering if I can buy more toilet paper, pay the rent, and buy groceries. Electricity is important in sub-freezing weather. Having a car is required to go to work when there’s no subway.

I’m caught between broke and necessity. How do I pick which bill to pay when all are important? I get so frustrated. Crime is tempting. I swear I would be clever, but not today. Everything is still the same.

Top of the World

I went to the top of the world. I looked around. Then I turned you down. How do I get ahead by sleeping around? No thank you. I’ve done been down that route. I got one path calling to me, it’s the one where I be myself. It’s rocky and I fall a lot. I get scraped and bruised and I learn a little bit at a time. But I keep climbing on it finding my own way back to the top of the world just being me.

Sacrifice unselfishly to do it my way. I can’t compromise this time. I look stupid from where you’re sitting. But the world’s mine for the first time it’s working for me. I can see a future clear as day. I got a plan it’s one day at a time. I do what needs to be done. Along the way I found someone. I was hiding behind your shadow afraid to bask in the sun. I’ll pass the flask of freedom on. I got enough to keep me strong. I’ll reach my goals just being me.

I’m free and wild. I’m confused and smiling. I’m looking towards the horizon hoping my dreams come true just being me. I don’t know who else I can be. I may not always like me but I know me and one day I’ll see it wasn’t all bad and it wasn’t all good but I got there doing things my way. What’s wrong with being me? I’m finally free. My façade is crashing down. It feels so good to let it all hang out. Pretending for you was wearing me out. I was forgetting my beliefs. I was losing my dreams. I am clawing my way back from the cliff. I see me, it’s been too long. You had me all wrong.

I’m the one that got lost. But now it’s better. I walked out on my own terms. I tore apart the chains you had me in. I will succeed or I will fail but I will do it just by being myself. All I can ever be is me.

Crossing Over

I’m crossing over to you. I’m crossing over to get through. You’ll never know what I’ve had to do to cross over to you. Years keep flying by. Everyday is just like the other. Time is slipping through my fingers. I’m losing you. I don’t know what to do. Fate’s a cruel prankster. I thought we had it made. But maybe we weren’t meant to be. I’m making one last attempt to show you what you mean to me.

Bridges get burned and heart’s get broken all the time. Our situation is nothing new, but I’m not giving up hope. I want to save us. I want to keep us in love. Show the world a happy couple can survive today. I want you to realize were made of stronger ties. Love binds us for all time. I’m rebuilding that bridge one brick at a time.

Tell me you still believe in miracles. Let me see that sparkle in your eye. Fires can rekindled. Our love is true. Let me convince you I’m for real. I’ll cross any barrier just to be with you.

Bad Day

I’m having a bad day
Just go away
Leave me be to my insanity
Society has crushed my self – esteem
Every magazine I read says
I shouldn’t look like me
Every TV show I see
Is telling me I shouldn’t act like me
When did being me get to be so wrong
Where did being an individual get gonged
You want the pretty face
The perfect body
The woman to match every hottie on MTV you see
But that ain’t me
I’m curvy, bubbly, and lovable
Cute, cuddly, and huggable
But I don’t match
I don’t wear watches and rings
I’m not pretty enough for you anyways
Every one knows what is in
But what’s in isn’t who I am
I do what I like
And wear what feels good
That just being me
What I wear isn’t in the fashion zines
It’s not being catwalked in Milan
It’s just sweats, shorts, and jeans
T-shirts and nail polish
What’s a woman got to do
To get a man to see what’s true
Every day woman don’t have a stylist
I am just lucky to get my hair to lay flat
Society has wrecked my chances
I am too far outside the norm
When will you recognize
A woman like me is perfect for a man like you?

Clocks

Tick Tock, Tick Tock
I hear the clock.
Tick Tock, Tick Tock
Biological Clock
Tick Tock, Tick Tock
Alarm Clock
Tick Tock, Tick Tock
Cuckoo Clock
Tick Tock, Tick Tock
Grandfather Clock
Tick Tock, Tick Tock
Go the clocks of my life
Tick Tock, Tick Tock.

The Music in My Head

Dancing to the music
The music ONLY I can hear
I sway and spin
My head in my hands
Just being me
Whatever that’s for
Whoever that is
Just being me
And living
And breathing

Spilling my woes
In the nearest sympathetic ear
Words pour out
Cluttered
Unorganized
No one knows how it goes
Inside my head is an empty dread
The mystery no one wants solved
I feel so unwanted
I am NOT needed

Guilty as charged
I screwed up again
It wouldn’t be a day
Without say Oops for me
So here it goes
Don’t exactly know
What’s up from down
But I try
That’s better than some

Lord, Love Me

Sorrow, hurt, anger, betrayal
Downcast eyes lifted toward starry skies
Lord, have I been that bad?
I feel like I am going to die.
Lord, have I been that off course?
I feel your wrath upon my bones.

Lost, disillusioned, confused, bitter
Hands clasped in prayer
Lord, just comfort this wayward child.
Eyes closed and knees bent
Lord, please take away the pain.
I feel your warmth upon my soul.

The physical world limits me
The faith of my God eludes me
Escape with me
Escape to nothingness
Empty sky of blue nothingness

Hungry, malnutritioned, scared, crying
Lord, sustain me.
I will be your servant night and day
Thoughts cleaned and pure
Ready to listen
Lord, let your spirit fill me.
I don’t want to be hollow anymore
I want to know
Your love, your warmth
Lord, guide me
Lord, love me.

Ain't Got Me

You’re always scheming. Trying to score. You’re always shaking cause you need more. You cook up lies and spread them thin. You want it all but you can’t win. You’re all about the deal. You’re after the gold. You’ll show me the world but so far I’ve only seen your bedroom. And it all starts there. And it all ends there.

I don’t know you. You’re not who you say. You change your self daily. I can’t love a moving target. Settle down baby. Settle down honey. Stay still awhile and we can be together. You got every angle covered. Your stories are memorized. The games are a rush. Your fuel is the cover up. You push the rules around to suit you. It’s all about what you can get away with, but you lost my heart. Take the risk. Roll the dice. You could win something nice. It’s half price. All you can drink. The buffet is free. But you ain’t got me. No baby you ain’t got me.

I'm Broken

Why do I bother to explore my soul when I know there’s nothing there to find? I’ve searched it a million times hoping I’d see the person I’m supposed to be. But here I am, again, lost, lonely, and confused. It’s what I do. I see who I want, but I know he’s not mine to have. It’s just how my life goes. I really like you, but you don’t even know who I am. Love is lost. It’ll never find me. I’ve been forbidden to touch you. I have waited so long to hold you. What I can’t hide is the love I have for you inside. But I know you don’t care. I’ll just go now. Tuck the torn pieces of my heart away. My soul is lonely and cold without you. But that’s just the way my life goes. I fall in love with a man I can’t have. I’m not in here anymore. I’ve detached myself from the pain. Being dumped isn’t the same when you never went out. I keep thinking love should be right here in my heart, but it’s not, I’m broken. Don’t know what can fix this? Vodka? Pills? Patty Griffin? Sylvia Plath? Offspring?

So What!

So what? I’m here and I’m telling you I don’t care that you love her. You are listing all the traits that make her perfect. She’s sure got you being talkative. She’s smart. So am I. She’s pretty. Aren’t I? She’s everything you ever dreamed of in a woman. And what was I to you? Some toy until someone better came along? So what? I’m happy for you. It’s great you found someone new. Yada, Yada, yada! Can I go now? I got something in my eye. It’s been nice talking to you. Goodbye.

I tell myself so what. It doesn’t matter I’ve been dumped. I got to move. I console myself easily. He wasn’t that great. I was the one biding my time. There’s better fish in the sea. I’ll find someone who’ll love me until the end. A guy that’s nice and funny and hot too. It’s no big deal. He left me a long time ago and I was just too scared to let him go. I won’t let him do this to me. I’ve whipped out my self-help books. He’s her problem now. I am on the mend. So what? He wasn’t the best lover I’ve ever had. So what? I wasted a couple of years. I still have time. So what? I’m not going to cry.

Go on and be with her. You don’t matter to me anymore. I don’t care. So what.

Thank You

Appearances can be deceiving. I’m more confused than you know. There’s something missing but I can’t tell you. It’s a secret. I have to hide it away in my mind. I promised I wouldn’t tell. I’ll die before it passes through my lips. Your confessions left me caught influx. Lies are hard to say, words trip and get mixed around. I don’t want to let you down, but it’s hurting me to know how it’s been hurting you. Thank you.

You trust me. You hold me above the crowd. I’m your confidant. The secrets you hide with me are safe. I’m your neutral ground. I’m your haven in the storm. I won’t betray your trust. I won’t let you down. Your so put together. Your lines are well rehearsed. You act the part so well even I didn’t know your pain beneath the surface. You swore me to secrecy. You looked into my eyes and unburdened your soul to me. A greater gift I’ve never known. Thank you.

My

my days are full of challenges
i struggle to keep up to the robots
that surround me and never give up
i need rest, sustance, and levity
they only need more of the same
i think i've been chained to my desk
and like a dog i'm going crazy pacing
back and forth always in the same path

my nights are full of emptiness
the fans whirl making some noise
i don't, i just sit and stare
at the computer screen, a little
better then the one i spent all
day staring at, but the same
thing, i don't have anything better
to do, like a penny stuck in the bottom
of a purse, i never get used.

my heart is worn out
i used it to death
it's thread bare and down
to it's last breathe
i'm not sure which will
break down first my heart
or my car, i think it's a close call

my mind is a leaky faucet
i tighten the taps but there's still
a constant drip of knowledge falling
out. one day i'll awake to find
i've forgotten my own name
but can tell you my favorite tv show

my soul is seldom used
it would love to see some abuse
it languishes around
occasionally buzzing me to see
if i'm still alive
it's like that gnat you keep
swatting at but never flies away
someday i'll need it to pray

my body ... well let's skip that
there's too much wrong with it
to list them here would make
this a million pages long
i'm working hard to get better
but damn i love chocolate and cheese
chocolate cheesecake, yummy

When I Go

i find time to do nothing
i look around for something i can't remember what
you think i linger too much
on heartache and sorrow
you find me repeative and boring
i wish i could be as articulate as you
when i go i'll remember to take you with me
into that nothingness you insist is
our destination
we just die. no heaven. no hell.
just leave behind our empty shell to cease
i'll find out when you do
cuz when i go i'll take you with me

i am a liar
i am less of a person
and more of a sorry excuse
you think i should go out and live
you say i need to embrace the day
i wish i could be as brave as you
when i go i'll remember to take you with me
into the hole 6 feet down into the cold
rotting flesh of the dead
we just die. no spirit world. no afterlife.
just bodies turning back into dirt
i'll make sure we can both know the truth
cuz when i go i'm taking you with me

when i see the light
i hope you don't
when i hear the angels sing
i hope you hear the devil's laughter
when you and i don't believe the same
and nothing i say persuades you
there's only one thing i can do
when i die i'm taking you with me
so i can say i told u so...

So Me

so lonely
so depressed
so repressed

my urges want filled
my defenses are crumbling
my weaknesses growing

so doubtful
so fearful
so bashful

my demons are circling
my reasoning melting
my surrender on the way

so burnt
so scarred
so twisted

my heart crys blood
my soul tears
my own fears surround me

so detached
so selfish
so cold

my mortality shrinking
my essence seeping out
my tears never stop

so lost
so confused
so me

The Way

what's on my mind i can't find. all these lonely nights wash away my humanity. i've ceased to live. i am narrow. i am closed. i am exiled. and it's only marginally self-imposed.

the way my eyes see you everywhere. the way i hear your voice distantly through the air. the way i wanted a good life with you but only the bad remains.

i've dug a pit of pity deeper then i've ever known. i sink lower into it's depths with every sunset. people think i'm transparent but only i know i'm a brick wall lined with lead. not even superman can see how broken i am.

the way my dreams revolve around you. the way my heart skips a beat when i look at a picture of you. the way i had it all, a brief taste of heaven but now hell is where i live.

it's funny how the world collapses in on you. one day you're up and the next you're upside down. i built hopes to dizzying heights & when i fell, i fell so hard i shattered into nothingness.

the way your eyes danced when you laughed at me. the way i adored your hands and the magic they had against my skin. the way i hid to survive, but it's taking me longer then i guessed to get over you.

the way i once knew is all a story to tell that begins once upon a time i was in love and now i'm not and that's just the way it is.

Where's the Duct Tape?

it's happening again, my mouth is running faster then my brain, and i'm hemorrhaging stupidity out with every word i say. i am such a bore, but i want to be more.

back myself into the corner, put the duct tape over my mouth. cut me out. and cut me off.

i don't mean to offend but people misunderstand and i circle perception off balance again. if this is reality then i don't want to be real.

back myself into the corner, put the duct tape over my mouth. cut me out. and cut me off.

i reach out my hand and can't find anything to grab ahold of. i'm in a free fall. i've not said much at all. it's amazing how little it takes to damn you these days to the outer circle.

back myself into the corner, put the duct tape over my mouth. cut me out and cut me off.

An Ode to Sinus Valley

the tide is washing away my energy. i am falling behind the curve. speeding up time cannot make me move any faster. it's a weekday, another day like every other. it's not me it's you.

pollen is drifting and shifting around me; i'm enveloped in allergies and sinus pain. the sun feeds my enemies and the rain kisses them sweetly. mother nature hates me just like you.

i seek solace within the wall of my air-conditioned fortress. i shut myself in to keep everything and every speck of parts per million away. i don't need you, but you need me to need you.

i've gotten out of the box and become trapped in a valley. i want to pack away the outside and seal it with duct tape and stuff it down in the farthest corner of the basement. maybe if i wrap myself up in an allergen cover i can go out into the sunshine.

No Point

an alluring pariah crosses another liar off the list, scrunches it up in a mental fist, tosses it out with the bitter taste he left in her mouth. yes, it's difficult to keep track. yes, i'd rather be in traction then be attracted to you.

close the blinds, put on the depression, it fits likes a 2nd skin. is there no end to the parade of losers i've let in? the adventure is never as fun as the reviewer said it was. i fall into the trappings of love like a junkie whore looking for a fix. i keep recycling my heart with used spare parts, and i've yet to love someone for good.

i'm running along the freeway, my mind is passing me by and my heart is going to burst, but i can't change my mind on a dime. i've gotten too deep into your neck of the woods. the whispers get to me and the stares bother me. everyone knows you better then i do. will you ever let me in so i can let you go?

a clueless genius, i swear i've found the cure for a broken heart, it's forgetting and leaving in the dark. i got holes in my conscious that i refuse to fill. there's no right or wrong when you live beyond black and white. just leave me the f*ck alone!

shut down the computer and crawl under the covers. everything is better after the pills kick in. i survive just to piss you off. i'm only playing. didn't you understand me? i lie, cheat, and kick people's teeth in.

Just Take What You Need

y must we horde and plunder, rape and pillage, destroy and steal, and take until we break whomever has been giving?

just take what u need to get by. y r people so convinced that if they don't get as much as they can they won't get any at all. the important things in life come in an endless supply. love, laughter, and happiness don't run dry.

i just get so pissed off when i witness unnecessary evil greediness and complete selfishness in adults. it was there, for free, to share, just take a little to get ya by and there would be some there for others. but NO, it disappeared overnight, someone took most of it, and that's just not right.

greedy people really suck.

Right Before Bed

Consciousness is fading fast, blackness is coming. i can't escape, everything is blurry. my heart beats loudly in my head. my hands are disconnected from my brain. how i learn is how to be anyone but me.

Rave like a lunatic, cower like a mutt. take over someone's life and leave them in the dust. build a coffin and fill it up with chocolate bars and cans of dr. pepper; i'll crawl right in with my i-pod blaring songs i love and you can bury me happily in the dirt.

Take my pulse. take my temp. check my throat, all you get is fake complaints and vanishing pains that come and go as they damn well please.

I can't be your lover or your friend. i want to have sex with you then kick you out. use you like i've been used. keep the damage flowing downhill. one day i'll make myself unusable.

My sole defense is insanity. the storm's racing through and flash flooding me. i can't stop these problems i have. i've been crying for over an hour and can't recall why it began. is that an issue, i don't understand.

Dreams of death mean life in reverse. i give birth to identical sextuplets but all it means is that my ideas are many but basically all the same in truth. i encompass what darkness embraces, encurable emotionally unprovoked mood swings.

See me through the hand that rocks an empty cradle. turn the mirrors on me, let me see the dark circles that surround my soul. beauty, death, hope, fear, incantations, carnations, roses, petunias, magic, and flirtations.

I'm a fool. i'm love's willing tool. i'm rusty from being left out in the rain. no one came back. no one came back to put me away. houses screaming, landscapes changing, how i hold down the fort is something i do just like breathing.

i can burn the house down and walk to the next state to my left and begin again until the fire is extinguished, then i'll do it again, until i burn out all the pain i'm in. sometimes i'm scared of me.

Loose Ends

there's alot of loose ends floating around. there's hurt feelings cascading down. there's the end of something beautiful coming. i taste the blood on your tongue. i kiss you for a bittersweet goodbye. i pull away and with me i take the knife from your heart.

i'm so sorry baby. i hate who i am when i'm with you. i didn't mean to do this so badly. i've never been able to leave a room without a huff. but it's not enough. you want reasons or at least a creative excuse. i've got neither.

this was tragically slow.i didn't enojy it baby. i know you think i did. i'm sorry baby. there was a better way. i just couldn't take the time. i was urgently dying inside to let you go. it broke you apart. you swear you'll never be whole again. take it from me it's not that bad.

i'm so sorry baby. i can't stay. i hear the anger in your voice. i see the disappointment in your eyes. you built those hopes and dreams on my back. i should've told you i'm weak.

baby, i know my flaws. they were there all along. you were blinded by love. i must've hurt you when i ripped that blindfold off. i'm so sorry baby. there's no escaping it. it's time to move on. you can't keep me in your cage of love forever. it's not fun but it's got to be done. i'm so sorry baby, but i'm through with you.

Cupid's Arrow

i've left love behind me but i know i'll be back again, someday. i run and i hide but cupid's damn arrow keeps finding me. i don't trust what my heart whispers to me. i've been wrong too many times to let my instincts guide me.

it's like there's a neon flashing sign on my forehead that screams, losers apply here in bright hot flashing pink.

i do things my own way in my own time. it's the road i've been on for a long time. i can't give up my control to anyone else. it holds me together when things go wrong. i hold on tight to my independence. this offends so many guys, i've even made some of them cry.

The Attitude

hello, how r u? stop right there, before u say 2 much, i don't care enough 2 listen. becuz i'm young & lazy. i'm restless & 1/2 crazy. what doesn't touch me, what i don't see, what i don't hear, just doesn't effect me.

u see i don't care. so move it along, i got shit 2 do or nothing 2 do, doesn't matter it's all better then talking 2 u. i don't give a fuck about the world. i don't give a damn about a single person in it. not even me. & i won't shed a tear if it all disappeared. becuz i'm young & lazy. i'm restless & 1/2 crazy. what doesn't touch me, what i don't see, what i don't hear, just doesn't effect me.

u should know u raised me. i get what i want when i want it. u buy me over & over again. u tell me i did a good job whether i did r not. so y bother 2 care. i'm spoiled. u always say it, so who gives a fuck if i lay here all damn day. becuz i'm young & lazy. i'm restless & 1/2 crazy. what doesn't touch me, what i don't see, what i don't hear, just doesn't effect me.

An Angel

an angel fallen down; she's wrapped up in rain drops. and she's missed even though she's never left.

an eclipse comes and it goes. every now and again someone falls in love. i always saw you, but you never saw me. angels are easy to mislead.

i'm curled up naked on the ledge of a stone fountain weeping, cold and alone. my savior and my demons went bowling and i can't go home.

a kind word from soft lips soothes a broken heart. my fractured soul can't be glued back together by one friendly smile. even an angel like you can't undo a disaster like me.

sweet and demure; tied up in lies; now i'm exposed and ugly to your eyes, but you're here. all i wanted was your attention. even a human like me has needs.

an angel would bring me a blanket and tell me it will all be alright. you're not talking to me. i'm sorry i've hurt you so but i can't go home.

Zingers, Ho Ho’s, and Oreo Cakester’s Oh My!

Lately, I've been swallowing my sorrow in the shape and form of many a chocolate treat. The concept of the treats are the same. They are all chocolate. They are all fattening. They are all the best invention since sliced bread. I wish I could blame PMS but that's a week or so away. I wish I could say I'm horribly depressed, but I smiled and laughed today. I wish they had no calories. The zingers I adore. The creamy dreamy middle's that send my taste buds into heaven. The cool glass of skim milk that washes it all down, doesn't make the chocolate oreo cakester's a well balanced meal. I've bought the hostess cupcakes on a whim. I resisted the little debbie fudge rounds, but succumbed to nutter butter's instead. Oh, when will this cornucopia of chocolate end?

I do love chocolate, but it doesn't love me. My hips are wider, the numbers on the scale are climbing higher, and my cravings are louder then ever before. What chocolate treat shall i seek out next. I must control myself. I must withhold that which i cannot resist and learn to go without chocolate to exist.

I am a choc-aholic. I'm Shannon and I approve this message.

Just for You

I got up today just for you. i took a shower just for you. i got dressed in clean clothes just for you. when all is lost i pull myself together just for you.

all i do and all i say is with you on my mind and your name on the tip of my tongue. i can't function without you in my life. i breathe just for you. my heart beats just for you. my dreams are about you. my happy endings are with you. i'm me just for you.

i wrote this just for you. i made pizza just for you. i bought this perfume just for you. when i think i can't go on i pull myself together just for you.

The Illusion of Symmetry

one eye is smaller then the other. the smile is crooked. and i looks as if my nose twisted to the left a little. in the reflection of my internal mirror i scream out to myself each little imperfection until i cry. i pick apart all that i am and all that i am not is magnified. the illusion of symmetry is shattered.

a nip and a tuck. dressed in black from head to toe. some concealer and lipstick then no one will know. cover it up and bury it. i can't show the flaws to the general public. the cracks in the sidewalk must be hidden in daylight even if i trip. the illusion of society's beauty must be kept.

Empty Promises

Empty promises, full of lies
Smoke and mirrors mystify
Dreams go by
You’ve missed your chance
This is goodbye

What does NO mean to you?
How can I tell you…?
I don’t want to see you anymore.
I am past my loser phase.
I need a man to lean on
A man with love to give
And not a past chaining him down

You walk in a mist of your own lies
Make believe stories where
You are the good guy
It’s never your fault
Everybody is bringing you down
You can’t see the mistakes
Are yours and yours alone
You aren’t taking me down

Empty promises, full of lies
Smoke and mirrors mystify
Dreams go by
You’ve missed your chance
This is goodbye

You are able to justify
A life drifting in loserville
You can see good
Where all that’s left is begging
For a dollar here and there
You wander why no one sticks around
Look in a mirror
Look in a mirror

Are you scared to admit?
The truth hurts
When you can’t take it
Running does no good
It’ll get to you sooner or later
Lies only make you feel better
But emptiness swallows you
Depression hollows your words
You are a shell of a man

Saying what you think you should
Going through the motions
But you think the world revolves around you
So I am cutting the ties
To get away from the misery you spread

ILL

Gray eyes blood shot and puffy
Dark bruised looking circles under my eyes
Pale translucent skin
Shaking cold hands
A cotton stuffed nose
Slapped with a brick across the forehead
Aching shoulders
Tension filled neck
Throbbing and burning left calf muscle
I am sick
ILL
Diseased
Under the weather
Deluded into thinking I am not contagious
I walk amongst my co-workers
Spreading the viral infections
Germs thriving and breeding
In a Society filled with people
To feed off of
I am sick
ILL
Diseased
Wrapped up into a world where taking off work is a dream
I continue to share my misery
Every time I sneeze
Bless me, bless me
Every time I cough
Pain fills me
Fire from my throat
Cracked lips moan
A daze of dullness blankets me
I am sick
ILL
Diseased
Under the Weather
Not feeling good
A corpse looks better
Exhausted I plunge onward
Wary of the cold
The iciness of the air strangles my breath
The coldness chills me to the very bones
Stomach clenches and knots
Nerves jangle and scream
Life doesn’t stop for me
When I am sick.

Save Me

Save Me
Save me from who I am
Save me from who I used to be
Save me from everyone I hate
Save me from myself
Save me for good
Save me for bad
All that life can be had
Save me for tomorrow
Save me for your sorrowful tales
Lies and spies will save the world
But will you save me?

I am sad

I am sad
I am lonely
I feel like crying
I am fat
I am ugly
I can’t shut up
I am up
I am down
I just hate life
“I am lost inside myself. I am twisted in a knot of despair.”
“I can’t break free and tell you about me, because I don’t know who I am”
I am hurt
I am angry
I get left out
I am deaf
I am blind
I have no heart
I am outside
I am beside
I never get inside
“I am lost inside myself. I am twisted in a knot of despair.”
“I can’t break free and tell you about me, because I don’t know who I am”
I am here
I am there
I do not know you
I am scared
I am confused
I cannot feel you
I am numb
I am mute
I just am
“I am lost inside myself. I am twisted in a knot of despair.”
“I can’t break free and tell you about me, because I don’t know who I am”
I just am.

I got my coffee in a Dr. Pepper can

I got my coffee in a Dr. Pepper can…
I got my life on post it notes stuffed in my purse…
I got my heart out for sale on ebay…

I got my attitude on t-shirts…
I got my brains in the computer…
I got a vote that doesn’t matter…

I got a pile of bills…
I got no money…
I got some stress to spare…

I got books on how to be better…
I got music with nothing to say…
I got no cause to fight for…

I got a pasted on smile…
I got a fake laugh…
I got people that don’t care…

I got no man to bitch about…
I got no man to kiss…
I got no man to complain about my hair…

What I don’t got is you.

Cheer up, life sucks, move on

Cheer up, life sucks, move on…
Turn the picture upside down
Tilt the vending machine your way
Fax your butt to the boss
And call it a day

There’s nothing like acting like you have nothing to lose
When you know in your heart
You just slammed the door on your own foot
So just say, “I can’t worry about that today”
Just walk away like it didn’t matter
Like your heart didn’t break
And say, “I don’t care any way”

Be happy, shit happens, move on…
Walk on the wild side
Take the roller coaster ride
Post your Ex’s naked pictures on the web
And you’re done for the day

There’s a feeling of being an idiot
That’s like being addicted to heroine
You just can’t lose when you don’t know you’re stupid
Ignorance is bliss
And Happiness is hard to find
So just say “Hey I am doing alright”
Just walk away without a fight
Agree with the majority
And just say, “Hey, I meant to do that anyway”
Like your pride wasn’t hurt

When I don't Feel Like Dancing

When I don’t feel like dancing
You’re always there
When I don’t feel like smiling
You show me you care
When I don’t feel like saying a word
You tell me it’s OK

When there is darkness
You are my light
When I am sad
You make me laugh
When I get angry
You calm me

There is nothing I can say or do
That would change how much you love me
I have tried, because of pride
To turn you away from me
There is nothing I can say or do
To stop you from loving me

When I don’t want to go another mile
You push me onward
When I don’t know what to say
You give me the words
When I can’t find the courage
You show me how to fight

When I am lost
You guide me
When I am confused
You simplify
When I cry
You dry my tears

There is nothing I can say or do
That would change how much you love me
I have tried, because of pride
To turn you away from me
There is nothing I can say or do
To stop you from loving me

In Progress

i hear myself through others ears
i see myself through others eyes
i want to realize i'm not who i think i am
but i can't keep from picking myself apart
it's hard to stop once it starts
i can't pick the age from the years
it's all interconnected to my fears

please don't take what's on the outside
and assume it's what i see in my mind's eye
somewhere along the way i picked up shadows
and they magnify everything i hate about me
now i'm trying to grasp that i lie to myself
i see the way i keep myself off limits
it's all tied to my deepest committments

i am tuning into a new frequency
it's more upbeat and easy going
time is slow to catch me up
but i want to follow this new road
write a new map upon my torn soul
there are detours threatening my recovery
it's an apathy i can't control rolling over me

you seem to want to shake me up
you can't stomach my self pity
but you can't pick me up
i have to want to pick myself up off the floor
your patience will be tested
my growing confidence stressed
i see a list of sins confessed

the question i ask is can i change
when i've failed here so often
the door of change neglected
i need proper guidance
and a firm hand on my doubts
when going through the darkness
i'm merely a work in progress

Not Another Word Spoken

i can't think of any word that could describe the way i feel. labels are so useless when you're not sure who you are. i see how bad the world is and how bad i feel. reason without cause today is reason enough. i want more. why do we kill, why do we love, why do we hate, why do we touch. if there's so much pain in love why do we want it so badly.

so many thoughts on my mind, so many wishes in my heart, so many doubts linger on. i want things that will never be, but the wanting never leaves. is there salvation in damnation or do you just break even

i picked a road years ago and i still don't know where it leads but i drive on, if i go far enough i might cross your path and you might just be what i needed to find all the love i've ever wanted and i can give you all the love you've ever needed. a spark to ignite my fire. can you have both passion and love or is one enough to get you through

so many questions, so many anwers, never any connections, i wonder to my destruction and pause. can i love, am i capable enough, i can't take another broken heart. but if i quit trying i'll never win. i'll window shop and weigh all my options, but i know if i find you there won't be another word spoken.

Not Today

I sat with everyone else around your death bed today
I heard your struggled breathes
I watched your brief moments of consciousness
I heard my Daddy say that God didn’t answer any of his prayers

People say I’m one of those that believe in miracles, in hopes, and in dreams
But not today
Today all I smell on the air is death.
Today the sky is truly gray and a hard rain falls.
Today I am full of doubts.

I kissed your scabbed and bruised forehead that still bears the marks where they tried to cut the cancer out of you
In a year you went from a vibrant light to a dimmed shell of the woman I love.
I see the tears in my Daddy’s eyes as he struggles between falling apart and being strong.

People say I’m one of those that believe in miracles, in hopes, and in dreams
But not today.
Today all I see is her dying in a hospice bed.
Today all I see are the faces fighting back tears.
Today I can’t believe in anything.

God, I am losing faith in you.
I know all the prayers I prayed in your son’s name go unanswered.
Because if you’d heard me then she’d be better and cancer free
So right in this moment at my kitchen table I am heartbroken and
Too damn depressed to believe in anything.
Today it’s all mirrors, bibles, and lies.

So forgive me. Today I can’t pray. Not today. No, not today.
Because it hurts too much.
The power went out and all the lights went dark.
Today the darkness is all around us.
Today I’ve tucked away all my hopes and dreams.
Today there’s no point to believe.
Not today. No, not today. I have no faith today.

Where Did You Go?

where'd u go
one minute ur there
then ur gone
i swear ur magic
i am the calm
ur my storm
i can't get u
to stay here
i want to love u
u want to play
heart's break this way

no one's here
they all go around me
i know they fear
i might talk and
say things they
don't want to hear
but u pulled me
out from these
doldrums and
u bring a smile
to my face
why not stay
be with me
heart's break this way

share ur love
share ur life
we'll be ok
it'll be alright
just come back
we can start
all over
be free to love
no holding back
just point the way
i'll find u
and we can get
under the covers
discover how much
we really love
each other
i miss u
more then i should
more then i thought
i ever would

where'd u go
r u coming back
don't leave me
i hate the silence
u r my antidote
darkness is my poison
shine ur light on me
and i'll hold u
tight love u
love u day n night
i'll never get sick
of you
stop teasing me
and tell me
where'd u go
this is how my heart breaks

Day After

i'm working so hard to get you off my mind here i am staring out the window trying to force the clouds to not look like you. if this is letting go then what is holding on? i've got to severe this hold you have on me before it's the end of my love life

the day after you left me i screamed and i cried. i threw your stuff away and i ripped up all the pictures and i tried to burn the happy times up in flames. the day after i said i'm over you i'm still lonely.

i'm dating and dancing at the bars. drinking and eating myself merry,hoping tonight i'll fall in love with this guy named Mark and finally find the man to spend all my nights with for the rest of my life. it's all the hope i have now to believe i can love again.

the day after i sleep with Mark he won't call me. i start wondering why i set myself up for these things. he seemed to be the right guy but when you have such lonely eyes you see what you need and hear what hasn't been said. it's been too long and i need too much too soon. the day after i said i don't care anymore i'm still lonely.

is this how it's going to be, lonely and cold. lonely and old. i don't want to be desparate. the day after tomorrow i'll get out of bed and try to fall in love again. i can't stop trying to find my man.

Party

cast out the demons with holy fire; leave the blood dripping from my eyes; bury me alive. catch my killer. i saw her in the reflection of the butcher knife. she looked just like me except her eyes. her eyes were wild and angry. she's bitter and hurt. she stabbed me 100 times in the heart until she collapsed from exhaustion.

life was supposed to be a party full of presents, cake and laughter. what i got i never thought of but here it is. my misery colors me blue. i'll sneek out the back door so y'all can get back to the party.

throw me to the sharks one piece at a time. the blood smells like burnt flesh sticky as it dries on my hands, i begin to understand. i'll never be safe from myself. one day i'll successfully kill me. only i could cut right through my heart with one stroke. i'm angry and hurt. i want to rip myself in two. let the happy and good me bury the depressed angry me alive so i can hear her scream until she dies.

life was supposed to be a party. but no one invited me. so i drink alone out back in the dark. i don't sleep. my blood shot eyes are making the world blurry. the pill bottles scattered around me. i'm sitting here just listening to y'all's happy party.

Gabrielle, My One True Love

see the blue sky above you. see the horizon layed out ahead of you. there's no shadows to scare you away. feel with your heart. find a life of your own. i packed your angel's wings and all my love to see you through the hard times. never forget you're destined for greatness.

my only true love. you're the only one i'd turn around for. i've built into you strength and compassion. here's an envelope filled full with hugs and kisses. freedom's calling out to you. step out and into your future.

see all those doors open to you. see the possibilities layed out at your feet. you don't need a safety net. i've given you all you need to jump right into life. i won't push you. but i refuse to hold you back. you are what the world needs. never forget you're destined for greatness.

my only true love. there's nothing i wouldn't do for you, but every mother knows a day comes when we have to let go. fly high. never doubt your intuition. here's some letters i wrote to you when you were little. if you get lonely they'll keep me near. freedom's calling out to you. step out and into your future.

my beloved only child, my light, my muse, my miracle, Gabrielle, i believe in you

Fast Paced

i'm in the fast lane of the love highway
no time to pull over to the rest area
i have a biological clock deadline to meet
and mr. right is running late
i'm feeling down and out but i hope
you were going to be the one to win the race
i can't get ahead in this fast paced love
we are surrounded with today

i met him on myspace. we chatted.
we met. we kissed. he wanted to hit the sack.
i said slow down, jack. i want more then that.
three months later he still avoids me online
i just can't catch a ride on this fast paced
love ride.

i tried the match makers.
i've been to at least 50 bars.
i'm no size six and i'm not looking for the
perfect 10. just a man that i can
relate to and laugh with.
i need some directions to find him
and map quest shows the quickest route
but i always miss out in this fast paced love.

i'll never be in the winner's circle.
i ran down the aisle. i wish i'd been
stopped and given a citation.
maybe then i would have realized
there's no way you can keep up
with the fast paced love that's
being mapped out today.

A Friend Named Angel

i once had a friend named angel
she could be sweet as heaven
she ended up being the devil
i met my daughter's father
hanging out with her
i told her everything about me
even what i didn't know
she turned on me and i was lost

the sweetest angel in heaven
versus the angel i knew
the bloody battle would draw
a crowd of gawkers
but i know who has lost and who has won
i have my baby and that's all that matters

the games we play some enjoy more then others
that laugh and smile angel had
charmed so many until they were blinded
i was one but the glass shattered
when she told so many lies about me
there was no truth for her to uphold
i was happy and she wasn't
that's all the motive she required
to spread her poison from ear to ear

i once had a friend named angel
she could be sweet as heaven
she ended up being the devil.

Let's Take a Drive

emotional angst of your memory drives my insanity
the stone cold landscape of my brain is scenic and serene
seldom is the dirt disturbed, because 99% of it isn't used
but tonight i yearn to see the back roads of home
to cruise under the stars and to see your smile

let's take a drive down memory lane
i see you now but i didn't see you then
you saw me then but you don't see me now
i'd call us meant to be,but that would just be me
pretending my life could have a happy ending

i took so many detours away from home
i ended up in a cozy circle
where i'm suffocating from my own emissions
i'd love to go backwards back to that
one moment i'd love to lean in and kiss you
but if i did that then maybe i'd lose her
and that would be worse then losing you
since i never had you to lose

i turned right toward the horizon
my foot all the way down on the gas pedal
you stayed parked near home
never driving too far from where you belonged
i hydroplaned through life looking for love
when i could have made a u-turn back to you all along
it's been too many left turns to make this right
but when i close my eyes tonight
i'll drive as fast as i can back to you so you can hold me tight

One Breath

when ur drunk and skating on thin ice
when ur watching a broken clock not tick or tock
when ur listening to patty griffin and bright eyes
when ur so down even hell seems a step up
when ur wishing you had someone to hold
that's when u know ur a breathe away from nothing

when ur stoned and writing pathetic lyrics
when ur only connection to the world is the internet
when ur singing to the songs that only exist in ur head
when ur so far gone u can't hear the call home
when ur wishing you'd never let him go
that's when u know ur a breathe away from nothing

when ur crying and trying to hang on
when ur hoping and praying for a sign to go on
when ur saying life is just too hard
when ur thinking all those pills can make it better
when ur wishing u had made a million different choices
that's when u know ur a breathe away from nothing

when ur husband leaves you
when ur fired from your job
when ur kid tells you your a loser
when ur own father looks at u so disappointed
when ur no longer in control
that's when u know ur a breathe away from nothing

Pure Effect

your kisses upon my flesh bring goosebumps to my arms
your smell brings sweet bliss to my mind
your touch propells me into a state of pure effect.

i can't stop thinking about u
ur memories are on an endless loop
all i want is u
and all i need is u
so come here to me
let go to the pure effect of being in love

your smile brightens my darkest thoughts
your laugh is an infectious disease
your words wash over me creating in me a pure effect

i can't stop thinking about u
ur memories are on an endless loop
all i want is u
all i need is u
so come here to me
let got to the pure effect of being in love

your kindness leaves my soul in full alert
your body is a craving i can't fill
your heart is beating faster with me near you
am i your pure effect?

I Don't Do Anything Right

i have missed a class, a handbook, a dummies guide, a t.v. special, a documentary, something on how a woman is to find, attract, and keep the interest of a man. I screw it up every time. Or if I like him he doesn't like me or I find out a guy I like and thought didn't like me did like me. Or they just happen to find the perfect woman the week after we started going out. Or they're too busy to spend time with you. Or anyone or anything in their life is more important then you. Ouch!

Why did I think this shit would get easier with age and time? all i've managed to do is end up with a broken marriage and a long list of men I REALLY REALLY WISH i had never dated. According to all those stupid test and quizzes I'm looking for a witty, intelligent, tall, manly, funny, handy, and sweet man. Where the hell do I pick one of those up? (and i don't date blondes and redheads, they just don't flip my switches)

I give up. My OB/Gyn actually recommended I stay home and spend quality time with my cat until my Man judgement improves. I told her if I did that I'd never date or have sex ever again. But it looks like that's going to happen anyways.

i know my mind doesn't work like most mind's work, and i'm afraid if i find a guy that gets me then he'll be just like me, which would drive me nuts. I'd hurt him. Nothing more annoying then living with someone that is a LOT like you (sorry baby G).

it's so bad to want to watch a movie snuggled up to man instead of a cat that bites and claws you if you try to pet him.

oh, well, i guess you get what you give. i don't trust myself to date right now. i'm too jaded and cynical to believe any word that comes out of the opposite sex's mouth.

I give up. I'll see how I feel about dating, men, sex, and the whole brutal world of male/female dynamics after the new year. Maybe this Christmas i'll get a miracle, but i sincerely doubt it.

Push You Out

I swing through life like tarzan on a vine. I have no future mapped out, I take it one ride at a time. You like me. You call me Sexy. I think your vision needs checked. This isn't the time. You're coming around,something wonderful, and i'm so fucked up i'll just take you down. So i'm pushing you and pushing you hard right out the door. I want you out of my life for your own good.

No one believes me when I say I'm miserable and depressed. People in my life telling me to get over it while they pop their daily anti-depressant's. My island of isolation i've run away to is my only salvation from lashing out and saying something that will hurt someone and never be forgiven or forgotten by anyone. That's why i push you, and keep pushing you right out of my life.

tonight's black inside and out all the way from the blank night sky to the pitch black darkness of my heart. if only i could find a way to turn this depression around. the doctor's are trying to find the right combination of pills to unlock this cage of mental misery i fell into to. but you're so alive. so busy. you have buddies. you have things to do that don't include spending all day in bed and crying for hours on end. that's why i push. i do it for you. i push and will keep pushing you out of my life.

the picture is clear. my life can't include you.

Escape

every day is getting me down
the sun won't shine and the clouds are gray
i am drenched with pain
how am i going to smile when all it does is rain.
i picture a small peice of paradise
somewhere nice
i only want a day far away
some place where i can escape

it's not my fault
when i get down into a funk
i just fall
and then i hit bottom
i roll around a little
then eventually get up
but once in a while i want
to jump
and land on a beach
drink a cool drink and escape

life plays its tricks
on time and lines on your face
you always wonder if your
in the right place
and no one doesn't doubt
there's some where else
they'd rather be
there's a little escapee
in everyone
and especially me

Ass Biting Karma

a diet dr.pepper to fuel my midnight rantings
a sad mellow song on my ipod to fit my mood
i feel sad because i've disappointed with myself
again
i thought you'd call, you said you would
but you tell me a lot of things that never come true
i know who the toy is, it's me
i've been turned into the prey in the game i began
again

so many men to pass through my life
too many men i gave myself to heart & soul
all the men who broke my heart
all the men i broke their heart
karma is really biting me in the ass now
again

the cursor demands i keep dicing myself
into perfect smears for under the microscope
self-mutilation has become an expertise
why is it so hard for me to want me to be happy
again
i've failed so many of lifes tests
marriage wasn't as easy as my parents made it look
relationships of mine never get past one year
i've doomed myself to live a life unloved
again

so many men to pass through my life
too many men i gave myself to heart & soul
all the men who broke my heart
all the men i broke their heart
karma is really biting me in the ass now
again.
tonight, i'm alone, i'm alone, again.

Inadequate Poet

i've been struck down. i've been pinned to the bulletin board of my own inadequacies. i'm not clever, witty, or wise. my attempts at words and rhymes are no grander then a cockroach's demise. millions more attempt this craft with results so spectacular i can only fantasize about delivering such profound bullshit to the world.

water, no pop or sweets, eggs, frozen meals for one, sausage, and biscuits in a tube. i'll wait for the day to break me. i look back on the life that's graced me, when you were mine. the time came and it has gone. one more failure to add to the long list. all i need to go on is my grocery list.

in a trance i glance across the unlimited vastness of google-dom. in the world wide web all is defined, clarified, and critiqued. there are self-proclaimed experts in every field, the words so similiar, it's like they are real. all is resolved within the comforts of your own home. let me in. let me know all that i am ignorant of. make me a jester at the court of knowledge. there really is a ihateclowns.com and a i-am-bored.com in cyber-existence. world peace is in reach with all the world being connected as one via the internet.

crazy? sick? twisted? fractured? broken? used? trashed? lazy no good bitch? or is it all making a sort of lame kind of sense. sometimes even i get scared when i think i've had a thought that might have broken new ground, but that can't be all the greatness has been mined from the minds of anyone worth knowing. so brush me off, shake me loose, settle down comfortably back into the little noose that tightens with every slip of our rights we sacrifice to feel safe in our homes at night. we've given the world just enough rope to hang everyone with, together or apart one cannot live in this world without rippling through everyone else's world.

Jump

we jump. we jump around. backwards and forewards. up and down. we jump. we jump around. around how we feel. around while we smile. around while we lie. around who we love. we jump. we jump around. backwards and forewards. up and down. we jump. we jump around. around who we hate. around akward silences. around dark sunglasses. around cuts and bruises. we jump. we jump around. backwards and forewards. up and down. we jump. we jump around. around saying the truth. around political views. around racial slurs. around propaganda. we jump. we jump around. backwards and forewards. up and down. we jump. we jump around. around in circles. around like monkeys. around like idiots. around until we all fall down. we all fall down because we jump. we jump around

Okay

as the years begin to accerlate beyond any speed yet accomplished by mankind, i feel the failures have only just begun. my cynical eyes see faults in everyone and on everything. i've gone from oblivious to hyper observant. trust is no longer welcomed, like the tumbling value of the U.S. dollar, it's not what i want to deal in.

bow your head to pray. be thankful god has abandoned us. he truly is wise. the plan's he had destroyed by his own creations'; so many question and just as many are fueled by the passions of faith. are we even... i think the scales are tipping toward destruction.

love with your entire being. every water drenched cell wrapped in packages in every size, color, and dimensions; i am unable to fathom how we aren't as unique as we want to think we are. connect me to my sedative and pour my whisky dry and neat. i don't want to feel anything tonight.

close. closer. closest. move silently beyond your closed state of mind. shut the door to opportunity. quit the progress and stow the hope in the overhead containers. it's a bumpy ride but we love to fly high without leaving the ground. just visit your friendly neighborhood pharmacist. then it'll be ok. ok. all i'm reaching for these days is to feel ok. ok. i want to be ok.

Slowly

love leaves only victory entrenched on the youthful follies the old lover's like to reminisce about. the flame burns red hot like it always does at the beginning, but time brings differences and doubts. the flame turns blue and cold to the touch. until you look one day and see the fire's gone and you don't love her anymore.

we move slowly like snails when we don't want to change, but know change is coming. a tornado of broken promises, angry words, and thousands of tears rip lover's hearts apart. go stand outside staring at the sun setting on your love.

she's picking at every memory. she wants to know the exact moment you fell out of love with her. you have nothing to say as you pack your suitcase. she automatically repacks all your things nice and neat. life with her was perfect and clean. you will fondly remember her every time you wear your favorite t-shirt. she's hoping you'll come back. but you both know you aren't looking back.

we move slowly like molasses when life throws us into the wall. you don't love her. god knows you tried to ignore the signs. her eyes full of tears. your heart full of fears. the sun has set and you've run out of love to give her. so you climb into the car and back out into the unknown.

some odd reason she waves goodbye. some strange whisper in the wind tells her she'll be okay. but you don't know and she doesn't know. she waits until the car disappears from her view. finally, she sighs, i never had to tell him i don't love you anymore.

Too Damn Depressed

i miss my old life. the life i had before you came to visit. i'm too damned depressed to get dressed. i'm too damn depressed to care you left. i'm too damn depressed to breathe.

i thought i was strong.my thoughts turned out wrong. sometimes you can make the right decision based on the wrong information. i'm too damned depressed to get out of bed. i'm too damned depressed to cry over you. i'm too damned depressed to kill myself.

you got tied up in knots to figure out what went wrong. you said you did everything you could. you keep talking about what it's been like for you, but what about me. what about me. i'm too damned depressed to shower. i'm too damned depressed to pay the bills. i'm too damn depressed to eat.

i don't go out. i don't talk on the phone. i have built myself an island of solitude. i'm too damned depressed to be around people. i'm too damned depressed so i take another pill. i'm too damned depressed to get over you.

you tried to explain why our relationship wasn't working for you anymore. you thought you made it clear my behavior had to change. you didn't want to hurt me, but you didn't even try to stay and fix me. so you just walk on out the door. well that only made my depression worse. i'm too damned depressed to throw your shit away. i'm too damned depressed to rip up your photographs. i'm too damned depressed to move on.

oh, this depression knows no limit. i'm too damned depressed to write anymore.

It Rained

the medicine kills my creativity, it eats away my soul. the pain comes and goes as it pleases; it leaves me breathless and alone. there are days i feel 100 years old. there are times i think of letting go. this damn darkness has a hold on me. i can't see any light. tears of my misery wash over me; there's no peace for me tonight.

i want to go back in time and warn the young woman i was before my life became a series of doctor's appointments and a long list of prescriptions. tell her to be unafraid and bold. to take the happiness she finds and hang on. live in those moments.

i have times when the pain subsides and my thoughts get clearer to me, but the pain like the rain comes back. i'm supposed to give the meds, the doctors, the treatments some time to work, but i cannot work while i wait for them to kick in. i catch myself daydreaming about the life i wanted and my dissatisfaction for the life i've created.

my emptiness so vast i lose myself for hours at a time. looking at the clock i realize the sun has set and my daughter is talking to herself again. i guess that's because i'm not much of a conversationalist these days. i get so wrapped up in myself that i forget about everything else and she draws me out with her smile and her laughter. i feel guilty having to have her see me suffer. i didn't want to repeat what i had to see when my mother got sick, but it's here.

i'm in a cage i've built with my own fears and doubts. now i'm caught up in what i ought to be and where i should have been instead of what i have and where i am. my disappointment in myself is only trumped by the disappointment i see in other's eyes while i let them down. i know it's been said, it's not being happy with what you want but wanting what you have that makes a difference in your life. but who would want to be happy with what i have?

Ugly on the Inside

10 months of silence breaks tonight via internet's delight
short and curt sentences reeking of bad spelling and grammar
not one to point out the flaws of another but your english sucks
so much for the adventure of love it's been a bust
you are so ugly on the inside
i'll keep it short and sweet so you'll understand me
NO

No i won't do what you demand
no i won't follow your rules
the days where i compromised with you are over
read these words if you even can
the free ride is over get off my bus

you are cold and unfeeling
you don't give a damn about what i've lost
you could only pretend to love me long enough
to get your visa
the jig is up and i've resolved this puzzle
so all i can say to you is no

no i won't give you a dime
no i won't be nice
you don't realize i hate you
the anger in me borders on rage
you think you hold all the cards
but i don't give a fuck anymore
i call you out but you hide
your a chicken shit

the depth i had hoped to discover in you
turned out to be an emptiness greater
then the galaxies of the universe
your superior attitude is a thin disguise
for what a poor man in kindness you are
so do what you want, but i won't be pushed around anymore
so cram your demands down your throat
my only answer will never change
i'll say NO again and again

Comes and Stays

dreams a cruel portal to wishes unfullfilled
there's no happy endings in my world
i can't do my job
i drop everything i pick up
everyday i fight a darkness trying to devour my soul
night night night it comes and it stays

sunshine is burning me like a vampire
i pull the blinds down and black my house out
i can't think
i screw everything up
everyday i hurt and ache and want to give up
night night night it comes and it stays

the drugs are meant to balance me
i feel disturbed and uneven
where's the promised relief
my utopia eludes me
everyday i pop them to get rid of the MISERY
night night night it comes and it stays

where's the freedom from the night
where's my liberation when do i get
to win this fucking fight
why can't i surrender
everyday i ask myself why do i fucking bother
the night, the night the fucking night

IT COMES AND IT STAYS
IT COMES AND IT STAYS
IT COMES AND IT STAYS

let me go

Reboot Me

whisked into a frenzied world i don't comprehend
i see words fly by in a suicide attempt to bury me
in their lofty expectations i succumb to this
travesty, i break into a million pieces

scooped up out of my comfort zone to places i don't like
i see the hostile faces with their furrowed brows
they don't want me here and i don't want to be here
but i'm adrift and can't find a ticket home, i collapse

endless banter meaning nothing and saying crap
i can't keep up in this space age odesyye
the technology has out paced me
and i have not the passion or the desire to catch up
i crash into the web

scatter me, throw me into the wind.
tell me the secrets to keep alive.
when i enter people exit quickly
i can clear a room in 30 seconds flat.
i even get annoyed by the sound of my own voice
i'm such an ass. i tear myself down.

no mask, no rules, no punch line
just me here alone as always.
how many men have i chased away.
i've lost count.
so sorry to say i don't give a damn.
fuck them all, oops i already did that.
tonight i drown. reboot me if you dare.

Pictures

a picture of love full of smiles
no pictures of the down times
when the tears are being cried
when you curl up & think ur dying
no those r only snapshots in our minds
never forget a picture is worth 1,000 words

i have dreams displaced in time & space
i'm walking in my hometown
down the bottom of the hill on shady lane
towards the dead end
i see this surreal creepy house
surrounded my a wasteland
i am transported inside of it
running in crazy circles screaming to get out
what's it mean, i don't know
i can't even drive down that street
just in case the house is there
i don't want to know
a picture i took as a child
scares me so bad even though i'm an adult
some pictures are better left alone

i took your pictures and put them away
it's a waste to dwell so deep in the past
you forget there's a future ahead of you
but on miserable days i find myself
drawn to the closet
to the bottom of the shoe boxes
looking into your eyes
knowing this is as close to you
i'll ever get again.
bittersweet pictures bring the taste of my tears
to my lips

Womanhood Undone

i feel trapped inside a time bubble where
i'm frozen at 23 the clock stopped on Jan.
25, 1996 and i don't want to move, i don't
want to change. i want to be back there
in her hospital room holding her hand as
her last breathe escaped into oblivion

am i a woman now thati've seen death
am i a woman now cause i've been fucked
am i a woman now cause i've given birth
am i a woman now cause i pay taxes
am i a woman now ... i don't know

i see other females my age and younger
they look so together, energetic, bursting
with life, accomplishing so much and
moving forward with friends, family,work
and i sit back knowing i don't fit in

am i a woman now that i've got a career
am i a woman now that i vote
am i a woman now that i married
am i a woman now because my husband left me
am i a woman now....i don't know

inside i feel immature and lost
i'm confused on how to respond
i'm scared to speak up and
offer an idea. i sit to the back
i nod my head but don't hear their
words. i await my oblivion.

am i a woman now that i hurt
am i a woman now cause i feel
am i a woman now cause i'm over 30
do i not get to play and laugh anymore
i'd trade all this woman crap for one bright sunny day
of my child hood, i miss looking at the world
as it's a mystery to be conquered.
am i a woman now that i know the world is fucking nuts?

Lies

i'm down and out
i'm falling
i'm spinning out of control
don't stop me
don't hold me
don't tell me u love me
lies, liar, leaver

u make the world in ur image
u think ur God
u really revolve around satan's fire
u never dance in the rain
ur ignorance is somehow my pain

i'm sad
i'm lost
i'm becoming a ghost
don't stop me
don't hold me
don't tell me u love me
lies, liar, leaver

u say the sweetest words
u smile to hide ur disease
u think u have immunity
u tell me i'm the disease
no matter what i say ur free and clean

i'm sick
i'm twisting
i'm caught in the wind
don't stop me
don't hold me
don't tell me u love me
lies, liar, leaver
leaver, liar, lies
all i am is ur lies

Chasing Ghosts

my depression is absolute. i see ghosts all around. the ghost of who i was. the ghost of who i thought i'd be. the ghosts of those i love who are no longer with me. i'm haunted all the way to my soul. these so called cures aren't worth the side effects. i thought myself to doom. i believed i would be immune. my ignorance rushed me and i finally saw i'm already dead.

there is a distortion in the sounds surrounding me. i'm always off key. i want the resurrection promised on the death of a savior lost. i repent for all my sins; it doesn't matter if i was caught. they're here punishing me in my head. i want freedom from my flesh. i need will power to walk away, to do what's best. the road is clear; i fell through the potholes. i see what i fear and what i need the most are one and the same. love keeps me chasing my ghosts.

i demand to know who made the rules. i suffer at the end of my rainbow there's no treasure waiting. where is my perfect match. the yin to my yang. the precious inspiration on every cheesy poster, t-shirt, and self help book has crucified my heart. i'm being taunted by every hand holding, smiling, laughing happy couple i see and those damn ghosts won't let me forget when that used to be me. but i thought there was better, something more in someone else, but it was a fruitless search. when you're dead there is no happy ending.

What's this Button For?

I wish there was a big red button that when you pressed it, magically, whatever you wanted, say your cold to go away, would happen. Like a genie in a bottle, this button would grant your wishes, without saying i wish, it would just know what's troubling you and would with one solid push of the button fix what's broken.

I sneeze. I cough. I sniffle. I fever. I am sick. It seems that as soon as I get better I get sick again. I have a headache, sore throat, cough, chills, aches, pains, runny nose. Between my chest feeling like it's in a vice being tightened and the super yucky snotty sneezes all I wanna do is sleep.

I'd press that big red button and my cold would be gone. Or at least kleenex would appear so I don't have to go out and buy some more.

Just for You

I got up today just for you. i took a shower just for you. i got dressed in clean clothes just for you. when all is lost i pull myself together just for you.

all i do and all i say is with you on my mind and your name on the tip of my tongue. i can't function without you in my life. i breathe just for you. my heart beats just for you. my dreams are about you. my happy endings are with you. i'm me just for you.

i wrote this just for you. i made pizza just for you. i bought this perfume just for you. when i think i can't go on i pull myself together just for you.

Wednesday Afternoon

Wednesday Afternoon rain on my window pane. The Dog is playing with her leash, trying hard to coax a walk out of me. My work day is almost done, I really want to have some fun, but there's dinner to cook and the eye doctor to see. The mundane part of life won't let go of me.

It's a circle of dirty laundry and dishwasher cycles. There's bills on the table and socks on the floor. I drift away to somewhere where I am more then Mom doing her chores. A bubble bath, room service, and an afternoon nap sounds so good to me.

Goldie Oldies

i'm playing at work, wishing i had a good book; debating w/myself about the current state of my life; what's wrong & what's right; i don't know anymore; i keep walking into closed doors; w/no where to go, i greive the parts of me that never got to be.
....
i'm dwelling on the past; the love i had that didn't last; it's all slipping through my fingers, like sand through the hour glass; why & how go unanswered; it's just the way it is; no more blame to place; only memories to tease me about what might have been.
.. ..
my heart burns when it's yearning to be loved; when at night the lonliness surrounds me & it's silence is drowning me; i think, is this the 1/2 way mark; am i on a down hill slide? do i try to recapture what i miss? or stay cold, wrapped up in my pride?
.. ..
why is it so hard to tell someone you still love them? is it the years that have gone by? or the fear they'll laugh at you? i just want to taste his kiss one more time; and have it take me back to 17, when life was easier.
.. ..
it was the 2 of us; wrapped up in each other; that 1st love is like no other; wild; free; passionate; intense; covered in youth; dipped in stupid and totally unrealistic fantasies; nostalga washes over me & sweetens my dreams.

Take My Hand

i stand in the eye of a hurricane. the wind is pulling me apart. the rain is cutting me like a knife. i'm tossed about not sure where i'll land.

take my hand, lift me to safety
i need someone to comprehend all of my darkest misery
take my hand, never let me go

i sit in my car while it sinks into the river. the water's rising, so brutally cold. the air is disappearing, i've got no where to go. i'm looking into it's blackness not sure if i can swim.

take my hand, lift me to safety
i need someone to comprehend all my of darkest misery
take my hand, never let me go

i walk on the ledge of this bridge, thw water looks like it could swallow me whole. the voices inside my head tell me it's okay to let go. i'm torn apart, not sure if i should take the leap.

take my hand, lift me to safety
i need someone to comprehend all my of darkest misery
take my hand, never let me go
take my hand, pull me into your arms
i need someone to take my hand and never let it go

I knew this Day would Come

the sadness saturates me from the inside out
i held onto you for far too long
now letting you go feels so wrong
you fell off your pedastool helping me up
now the memories are all mixed up
i'm trying to block you out

the confusion is real
i can't fake a heartache
you to keep eating your cake
i have to kick my addictions
you sleep like a baby wrapped up in your convicitons
i got the wrong end of this deal

the effort is an epic fail
i'm off to buy a pop so i can pop this pill
it's my last chance to cure my ills
my denial has been eclipsed by sky high counts
all the healthy rhetoric you spouted finally is paramount
i have to let me old habits go stale

the dream has died
i'm forced to recall what i intentionally forgot
i'm no longer welcomed in my own camelot
life has become void of all meaning
i resent your very being
right now i'd kill for something deep fried

the process has begun
i analyze all my nooks and crannies
i'm hoping to reduce the size of my fanny
every bite i ever took was me eating my misery
i thought every pound protected me from my enemies
i have to reverse the damage before it can't be undone

Odds and Ends

it came to me this morning
wrapped up in a song
i know now what's gone wrong
life's little odds and ends are doin' me in

i'm in a circle feeding upon myself
the chores are never done
the dog's always hungry
my restlessness can't be still
and my heart is sick of being alone
life's little odds and ends are keeping me from being satisfied

it came to me this morning
wrapped up in a song
i know now what's gone wrong
life's little odds and ends are doin' me in

i am repeating the same day over and over again
the bills are always due
the errands always need to be ran
my boredom can't be quenched
and my soul is wilting from lonliness
life's little odds and ends keep me from being free

it came to me this morning
wrapped up in a song
i know now what's gone wrong
life's little odds and ends are doin' me in

the apartment's never clean enough
the car's gotta go to the shop
the dog needs another shot
the gas bill is due
i'm out of milk
the odds and ends
life's little odds and ends
they're doin' me in
they're doin' me in