In the Moonlight

i load my gun with bullets of hope.
i shoot it at the sun to light up the shadows.
you won't find any monsters here,
just some ghosts crying over their mistakes.

i took a vow to smile everyday.
i gave up smoking so my kid could breathe better.
i quit drinking so i wouldn't be an alcoholic,
but the history of my memories will haunt me for forever.

i work hard to acquire trinkets and gadgets.
if these are the good times i fear the worst.
the rich are wasteful but demand respect.
how can you be a hero if you sold your soul?
our society thrives on giving out second chances,
but the creation of a gentle and accepting people didn't happen.

i have limited understanding
and my flexibility is growing rigid.
every one looks better in the moonlight.
it doesn't mean we should all turn out our lights.
i'm tired of fighting for more.
i'd rather spend an infinity alone.
i take solace in the fact that one day i'll be dead
and this world won't be my problem anymore

Exorcise Ignorance

i would burn a clown down on a cross.
some think i've lost my religon,
but i believe God's love isn't in a temple.
The law's of men super imposed on God
is an attempt to steal authority from God.
Integrity is up to each of us.
we have to have the courage to embrace God in our own houses.

I've fallen down because gravity exists.
Science isn't a myth.
we have to exorcise the evil of ignorance.
heaven is full of joy and laughter.
when dusk comes and the stars appear
it's like God's assurance he his near.
We are alive now so we must live.
Abandon the museum of archaic thoughts.
Light the world up with your own fireworks.

i'm not going to fret over fictitious count downs
or grovel to a fellow human to forgive my mistakes.
i will crash into the Holy Ghost
and talk to Jesus like he is my best friend.
I am not separate from God,
he is in my heart and I am in his.

Leftover Mentality

i look at myself through stangers' eyes
and i realize i live my life with a leftover mentality.
i don't think i deserve anything new.
i buy second hand clothes, used cars, and repurposed furniture.
i try to take what has been neglected,
even when i have money i feel poor.

my newly uncovered flaw
shows me my greastest weakness of all;
i can't bestow kindness upon myself.
i believe in forgiving others debts,
but the message i've forgotten is to be merciful to myself.

i use my own emotions against me.
i weld my fear like a weapon,
going on the defensive when someone gets to close to home.
i bad mouth myself all the time.
it's hard to be thankful when i am the problem.

i have to let my inner hatred die.
inside my soul i have faith,
faith i am a good person.
i have to free myself from the chains i created.
i have to find my passion for living again!

Whirlwind

throw away the trash, feed the dog
calm the thoughts racing through my head
put away the dishes, take my medicine
tell myself this is part of the plan
pay the bills, fold the laundry
suppress the heavy sighs and bored yawns
this is the glamorous life you left me

run the vacuum, sweep the floor
hope there's another chance outside my door
clip the coupons, go to the store
i thought there would be more
clean out the garage, walk the dog
your leaving me caught me off guard
the legacy of us fits into one trash bin

clean the toilets, change the sheets
i didn't know you had gotten cold feet
cancel the credit cards, forward the mail
the house echoes silence in your absence
take a shower, change my clothes
everything is moving in slow motion
the whirlwind sucked us in and destoyed us

burn the scrapbook, wipe away my tears
i've lingered too long on my fears
write down the pain, drink some more wine
i'm giving myself one last night to be contrite
glue my heart back together, put away my misery
i'm accepting your final exit and moving on
i'm checking getting over you off my to do list!

It's the Hope

i don't understand the fuss.
we disagreed, it's no big deal.
if life was easy it'd be no fun.
you're too clever and i'm a hopeless romantic.
you're like a cold front colliding into my hot air,
together it's a tension tornado that blows us both away.

i'm unpredictable and you're mysterious.
you like to remain distant and i'm in your face.
you're the yin to my yang, but the karma went bad.
it's a shot in a billion to be unlucky like this,
but i'd do it again, cuz it's more then i deserved.

your image haunts my dreams.
a soft rain falls as a cold wind blows.
when you take a chance you risk heartache,
but you learn through the survival
and the next time you surrender,
the lies and promises will be forgotten.

i'm just a kid at heart.
i leave the light on because i'm scared of the dark.
i want rescued from my lonliness.
i want a friend with no secrets
and we can sit in a perfect silence where every desire is fulfilled.

it's the hope that moves us forward,
when the end is too bitter to swallow.
with the new one we will be better.

Control

i want to feel like i'm holding the world in my hands.
i want to know the decisions i make are for the better.
i want to feel in control, but it's the opposite of my reality.
i feel like life is leading me around by my nose.
i don't know how to take control.

the world spins around me.
i feel overwhelmed and lost.
every body else seems put together.
i feel like a caution light with my heart flashing broken.

i want to hold my head high.
i want to look a priest in the eye.
i want to be in control, but i can't get a handle on myself.
i lie and quit and cry.
my self-indulgence trumps my self-control.

those around me say to try harder, but i am my biggest obstacle.
when i attempt to restrain myself i fall apart and implode.
i cry with the pieces of my life scattered around me.

i want to be confident.
i want to be sure.
i've lived on second guesses and regrets for too long.
when i try to take control, complete chaos ensues.

my life lacks structure.
i've been working hard to make amends.
i take one step forward, then fall three steps back again.
i want to contain my disease and exercise control over the worst parts of me.

i want to be my own boss.
i want to hear my own voice.
i've manage to push away all who have offered me a helping hand.
if i cannot dominate my weaker self, control will always be an elusive dream.

Expected

i don't want to hurt anymore.
i'm tired of being tired.
i built you up higher then you could reach.
i'm sorry i expected too much.
i expected you to care.
i expected you to love.
i expected way too much from you.

i don't want to argue with you.
you won't let me win the battle,
so i've stopped the war.
i'm sorry i expected too much.
i expected you to try.
i expected you to reach out.
i expected way too much from you.

i can't think of a solution.
this mess is too big to fix.
you'll have to carry your own baggage now.
i'm sorry i expected too much.
i expected you to open up.
i expected you to trust.
i expected way too much from you.

you tried to set the bar low,
but i pole vaulted over you,
and expected you to keep up the pace.
i know now i expected way too much.
i expected respect.
i expected a committment.
i was stupid to expect so much from you!

The Lie

he tells you what you need to hear.
he's unhappy with her.
you're the best part of his day.
he's going to leave her.
if you'd just be patient,
one day he'll stay.
believe the lie!

you feed off the lie.
you need it to justify,
love isn't fair,
the lie makes you blind.
one day the lie will die,
but until then,
live the lie!

he winks at you.
he tells you you're the only one who understands.
he's a complicated man
and his love is your only demand.
you forget he's not yours to keep,
that's the only way you sleep.
protect the lie!

you build upon the lie.
you paint the perfect family in your mind.
you'll be adored by his kids.
the lie binds you to him.
then the lie comes to light
and your world falls apart one night.
deny the lie!

he told her you're just a friend.
he could never leave the kids.
he thought you understood,
but now the damage is done.
no more patience.
no more love.
grieve the lie!

Sticky

my hands are sticky.
no matter how hard i scrub them.
i knew you were going to be picky,
but you didn't have to hurt me.
getting your mark off of me is tricky.
the slime on my hands remains and
i spend all day feeling icky.

i think it's gross.
i tried to do the right thing by you.
i gave you the most,
but you got style baby,
so i want to propose a toast.
i raise my glass
and give a nod to your ghost.
i had no idea i'd be such a gracious host.
every one thinks my mind is lost,
but baby, we are forever entwined in the cosmos!

i wish i could peddle past you,
but i'm on a stationary bike, stuck!
i let you do what you wanted,
you ran amok,
trampled my heart to death,
but here i am, thinking about you again,
love struck!

none of this matters,
i know i was never your first choice.
your essence clings to me like super glue,
but i never made an impression upon you.
your last words to me were cruel,
but i can't shake your voice.
even though i know your a numskull,
my heart can't be washed clean of you!

Dollar and Cents

day in and day out, same old crap to whine about.
i watch the shadows fade in and out.
one more day sitting at a generic desk.
this job robs me of who i am,
but feeds me what every one else demands.

one more day with a boss breathing down my neck.
i always screw something up,
but it's never enough to get me canned.
playing footsie with unemployment.
if there's no cause, i still get a check;
my life is nothing more then dollars and cents.

i go through the motions every day.
i check the tasks off my little cheat sheet.
this is how i mark the passing of time.
squeeze in some spider solitaire,
to wipe my brain free from others' complaints.
is it friday yet?

i watch the clock wind down.
i'm burnt out by 3pm.
one more day being a clog in a dysfunctional machine.
i always miss a detail,
but it's never to send me packing.
playing chicken with the man.
i got to dance to get that check,
because my life is built on dollars and cents.

another bill came in the mail today.
a stack of overdue notices in the trash can.
1-800 numbers fill my call history.
i don't even care anymore.
i don't feel anymore.
i shut down and shut up,
keeping my heaad down,
because i just need to exist,
so everyone else can get what they want!
i'm only worth the check i bring home,
it's all about the dollars and cents!

Carpe Diem, Damn!

now is not the time to be serious.
now is not the time to be weak.
i must pull myself together.
i am not going to weep!

now is not the time to compromise.
now is not the time to empathize.
i must put a smile on my face.
i am not going to cave!

i can not think about tomorrow.
i can not handle the future.
i have to hold on to my illusions.
carpe diem, damn!
carpe diem, damn!
i will seize this day even if it kills me.

now is not the time to make plans.
now is not the time to make amends.
i must be strong.
i do not care who is right or wrong!

now is not the time to analyze.
now is not the time to tear apart my heart.
i must be smart.
i do not want to go back to the start!

i can not dream of happily ever afters.
i am unable to see ahead.
i am here and it is now.
carpe diem, damn!
carpe diem, damn!
i am going to make the best of this day even if i am dying inside.

i will seize the day.
damn, i am crying again!

Invisible Death

helpless and fragile with broken lungs,
no one to console,
a guardian angel asleep at the wheel,
your life so brief, it's only a footnote.
i remember little things in blurry scenes,
it was so long ago, when you had to leave.

memories play to their own tune.
yours is out of sequence, faded, and worn.
i wonder sometimes if you'd be fearless,
you never were afraid when others were.
but we are here today and you sing with the angels.
is it too high a price to pay, to live with what could have been?

i don't think we'd still be friends.
maybe a cursory connection through a facebook trend,
but i'm haunted to this day.
you were never coming out to play again.
boucing on old mattresses in meemaw's backyard.
laughing like crazy when we fell down.

i was a kid too,
unable to process death.
is that why i remain so affected by it?
i never thought i was invincible.
one too many funerals i've went too before i was ten.
life folds, bends then breaks apart at the end.
i look at myself in the mirror
and ponder how much time is left in my hour glass.

i shouldn't miss what never came to be.
is it the crazy in me that wants to get lost,
switch back to a time when i could just be
and death was invisible to me?
i think i'd be a different human being,
if i hadn't had to bury my innocence so soon.

Two of Me

simple, sweet, soft, and sure
memory, magic, madness, and mayhem
one minute i'm euphoric,
the highest of the high isn't high enough.
then i crash, fast and hard,
and for days i'm lower then the lowest low.
that's how my mood swings go.

i feel detached from my own mind,
like there's two of me inside.
one being is purely emotiona,l highly combustable like rocket fuel,
and the other calm, cold, and completly logical.
i never know who i'll be each day.
i'm fighting my own internal civil war every day.

quiet, quixotic, quick and quirky
reflective, reduced, remonstrative, and ruined
one minute i feel as if i've lived one day too long.
the seconds pass so slowly i can feel my body aging.
i can't bare to feel anything then i drift off to sleep,
and i awake invigorated and frenzied,
like i need to do a million things at once.

i feel unrelated to the ones around me,
like i was switched at birth.
i think i have a twin out in the world.
she's the evil twin and i'm the good twin
or am i the evil twin, my mind spins!
my thoughts spiral outward from myself,
then they bum rush me all at once.
i shut down from the overload of my senses.
i feel out numbered and surrounded!

calm, curious, confused and cornered
plans, phobias, pain and problems
one minute i am full speed ahead,
whipping out decisions at the speed of recklessness.
the next day i'm full of regrets.
i'm racked with guilt over missteps.
i want to turn back the clock and take it all back.
my whole life is a giant do over!

it's halloween every day.
i only change my mask.
i go from good witch to wicked witch in ten seconds flat.
i'm the evil villian then a super hero.
i'm a demon then an angel.
i don't know which one i want to be the most.
the days where i'm like everybody else,
or the days where i'm eating lunch by myself?
i wish there was an instruction manual on me,
or at least an off button to set me free.

acceptance, assumptions, answers, and avoidance
frustration, fearful, forgotten and foreshadowed
this is how i feel.
this is how i think.
this is real.
this is me
and i am bipolar!

Little Scraps of Paper

i document my feelings on little scraps of paper.
i have them tucked away in dark secret spaces,
wondering if any words can truly paint
an accurate picture of who i am.

the little scraps of paper are turning yellow.
the lead is fading and the ink smearing.
some of it is so light i can't read it anymore.
when the words disappear,
does part of me vanish with them?

i have written my life down.
sentences strung together haphazardly.
misspellings abound and i don't recall some of the emotions at all.
will anyone care that i felt so small?

i've built a papier-mache empire.
i surround myself with pens and post-it notes,
hoping to capture the elusiveness of my soul.
my pre-occupation with me prevents me
from forming meaningful attachements.
at least that's what a therapist told me long ago.

i spend hours speaking to the dead inside my head.
i'm trying to remember a forgotten friend.
i stand in the kitchen hoping to expose a fear,
but i end up eating chocolate
and writing on a napkin how i hope i choke.

i realize my little scraps of paper won't save me.
but i can't stop myself from adding to them.
when i die i want to be buried in a suit
made out of these little scraps of papers.
then i can review them with saint peter
as he decides if my immortal soul belongs in either heaven or hell.

Zombie

april showers won't bring me may flowers.
i feel sad.
the sun shines brightly.
the birds are singing a joyous song,
but i feel sad all day long.
i live in between the past and the present
like a self-created limbo.

4:21 AM i can't sleep again.
images of you taunting me.
your kisses damned me to this barely here existence.
i can't even masterbate anymore.
you robbed me of all pleasures.
i've gained seven pounds of depression.

my monthly bloating and cramping are here.
another reminder i wasn't good enough.
if i don't crawl out of this pain soon
they're just going to abandon me here.
i can already hear the exasperation in their voices.
the down side to bipolar is every one gets tired of your mood swings.

i'm stuck on misery.
from january to april i have mourned you.
my grieving has consumed me
and i've tried to consume enough pizza for sixty.
nothing satisfies my cravings for your touch.

april showers won't bring the power to forget you.
i feel sad.
the dog rolls happily in the grass.
i hear the laughter of children playing,
but i feel sad every day.
i live in a perpetual state of a self-induced zombie like state.

Abandoned Experiment

my eyes can see what you did.
my ears can hear what you said,
but my brain refused to process it.
the data you've supplied is incomplete.
i reached deep into my heart
to pull out all the stops.
i told you i was all in.
i heard you agree to do the same.

i'm confused.
your lack of explanation is frustrating.
you tell me you've said your peace,
but what about me?
i didn't get a chance to respond.
you always have to have the last word.

my senses have disengaged.
my soul is in a dark gloomy place,
but my brain paces around your memories.
the information i have has been analyzed
to figure out what went wrong.
i can't get it to make sense.
the puzzle is together,
but the picture isn't clear.

i'm baffled.
your words could fill the grand canyon,
but no where in them is a reason.
did you tell me you loved me
just to see if you could get someone to love you?
i feel like an experiment that has been abandoned
after the results were not to your satisfaction.

my body relaxes under the influence.
my dreams are filled with alternate endings,
but my brain chases your words to dead ends.
like a hamster on an excercise wheel,
i can't stop repeating every memory.
i think you stained me permanently.

My Mouth

sorry i hurt your feelings
when i opened my mouth without thinking.
i go off half cocked alot.
i've tried to stop,
but like a ticking time bomb,
i always explode!

my mouth is my doom.
it brings me pleasure
and causes me heartache too.
i talk more then i should.
i say things that should never be heard.
my mouth tells lies.
my mouth tells truth.
my mouth opens and chaos ensues.

sorry i made you cry
when i said good bye.
i wasn't thinking of you.
i'm selfish and cruel.
i've tried to stop,
but like a bullet shot from a gun,
my triggers already been pulled.

my mouth is on automatic pilot.
i never know what it'll do.
i've prayed for God to make me mute.
i want to play well with others,
but my mouth interfers.
it utters inappropiate comments
and my mouth suffers from a foot disease.

i'm tired of always apologizing.
i have run out of excuses to give.
this is how i've always been.
i was late to speak,
but i haven't shut up since.
so tune me out or toughen up,
because my mouth will strike again!

7pm

last night as i laid in bed at 7pm,
i let my mind wander over what could have been.
i am wasting my days playing these what if games.
i am still aching over losing you.
i wonder how many months until i feel good?

i had a sad song stuck in my head.
all night long, i hummed along.
even when it started hurting my head.
i couldn't remember who sung it
or even the name of the song,
but i hung on to it,
like a life raft, i clung to it.
i hoped it would keep me from drowning in my memories of us.

last night as i laid in bed at 7pm,
i cried into my pillow again.
it's been nearly two months now,
i feel like a ghost of my former self.
i am haunted by your smile and voice.
life was so good for a little while.
i wonder how much longer must i endure,
until i feel whole again without you?

I'm Depressed.

i'm depressed. i reached this conclusion as i undressed.
i lay in bed unwilling to move.
each day is full of endless seconds without you.
i thought we'd never end, but abruptly, we did!
what's the point of telling me you love me,
when you just left me cold and alone?

i'm depressed. i stare at the computer feeling worthless.
i shove food in my mouth hoping to fill the hole you left inside of me.
i am unmotivated and uninterested.
what used to enthrall me, bores me now.
when you cut me off you cut out my heart too!

i'm depressed. i confess the pills aren't effective.
i feel the slide down the slope of despair picking up speed.
every ache, every pain, i blame on you.
i try to occupy these hollow hours where you used to be,
but nothing sets my tortured soul free.

i'm depressed. you'd laugh and declare me a drama queen.
i miss the little things, that annoyed me the most.
do you feel better now?
or like me, are you still trying to exorcise the ghost of us?
i feel incomplete, like there was no closure.
you felt otherwise, because you don't answer my calls.

i'm depressed. i only hope time will undo my emotional mess!

Unnoticed

my heart broke and no one noticed.
my soul froze and no one paused.
my whole world crashed and burned
and the world just kept chugging along without a care.

i guess that should make me feel better.
losing you didn't kill me,
but i feel dead!
i go to bed at 8pm.
i sleep courtesy of pills.
i only eat what clogs my arteries.
i want my heart to hurt.
the pain reminds me to breathe.

my days are boring.
there's nothing to look forward to anymore.
you spoiled me.
when i had you i felt buoyant.
now everything is still in color,
but the brightness has faded;
unlike my longing for you.

my heart broke and no one noted.
my soul choked and no one commented.
my whole world disappeared
and no one has missed me, not even you!

Eyes Shut

i'm lying here with my eyes tightly shut.
i don't want to open them,
just so i can watch you drive away.
i wish i'd known to say good bye.

with my eyes shut i can pretend,
pretend you will be back again.
i didn't know that would be the last time.
i wish i'd known you and i would end on angry words.
now you won't even respond to me.

i was full of hope.
i thought i'd finally found,
a connection, genuine and true,
a friend and a lover,
but my life cannot maintain,
a lover and a friend.
i can't have either one.

i'm lying here with my eyes tightly shut.
i can't bring myself to open them,
because i know they'll never see you again.
and i miss you more then i can comprehend.