Perfect World

i'm getting lost inside my mind.
i sit and conjure up my own happily ever after.
there's a big house full of screaming kids and
a man that loves me more then anything,
in my perfect world.
time are good and laughter is free.
there's no where else i'd rather be,
but my perfect world is just a dream.

the place where i breathe isn't everything i'd thought it would be.
i sleep along, i eat alone, i talk to the dog.
the one kid i have is grown
and it's just me, with nothing to do but kill time.
so every chance i get i close my eyes to escape to my perfect world.

in my perfect world, there's water fights on hot summer days,
and cuddling in front of a fire on a cold winter nights.
there's a dinner table full of my babies.
someone spilled the milk and another one yells dibs on the last roll.
there's no place else i'd rather be,
but my perfect world doesn't belong to me.

the real world is eight hours surrounded by cubicle walls,
coming home to an empty house,
heating up dinner in the microwave,
just me with nothing to do but kill time.
10 pm is bed, my favorite part of the day,
when i close my eyes and fade into my perfect world.

Outbound Train of Thought

i woke up exhausted at 5:55 am today.
i got up and went into the bathroom.
i turned on the light and stared at myself in the mirror.
i looked translucent, like a ghost.

i felt dead, like i'd been ran over by the last train of thought
that left my head when i went to bed.
i was awake, but i felt like i'd just given birth.
i had an odd sensation in my hands.
i have never been a morning person.
my face is too white.
i look old.

if i ever win the lottery i will buy a new face
to match my new fancy place.
i am disgusted by every image of myself that i have ever seen.
i wish i was blind so i'd never have to look at myself again.

i keep telling myself, this is the week i make a change.
this will be the year i overcome my past,
but i keep covering the same old ground.
it's been forever since i felt put together.

this is my earthly home, i need to worry more about my soul.
i feel like God has set this life up like a stop watch.
He starts the clock when we are born innocent,
and only He has the knowledge when the clock will be stopped.
The one who did the most good in the time recorded gets a ticket to Heaven.
I hope He understands i am a slow learner!

i have control issues.
i am the first to admit i hate not being the one making the decisions.
accepting that i can not dictate to God what i want to happen in my life,
leaves me feeling like i'm drowning in a sea of chaos.
i can't breathe.
i feel sorrowful for wanting to veto God's will.

He immediately makes his point when i walk out the door.
the sky opens up and the water pours down on me,
like little reminders of his absolute power over me.
even i know a good rain can wash away all that is unclean.
i wonder if i should build a boat, because it's been raining alot these days!

Wings

under these wings i hide many things
like lots of strings,
odd little bits
and craziness.

there will be no flying.
there is no wind blowing.
so sit tight little bird,
tomorrow brings lift for
under those wings,
God gave you as a gift.

Healthy

the days are passing by me in a blur.
the redundancy in my work is gettting on my nerves.
i hate what i do sometimes.
i know that's not healthy,
but my feelings erupt abruptly at times.

the nights are long lonely hours.
my sleep is plagued with taunts of love.
i wake up sad.
i know it's not healthy,
but my subconscious likes to toy with me.

the weekends are full of errands.
i think if i keep moving the depression won't catch me.
i had ideas of grandeur at one time.
i know denial isn't healthy,
but it's the only thing that keeps the pain at bay.

the hours wind down on the clock.
i keep holding onto ghosts.
i am unable to resolve my internal conflicts.
i know i'm not healthy,
but i can't seem to heal my emotional wounds.

the alarm clock goes off at the same time every day.
if you compared yesterday to today, only the date would change.
i had dreams long ago.
i know regret isn't healthy,
so help me Jesus to let go and move on!

Casey

your lies became your truth
evil and good became one
you could no longer tell right from wrong
your moral compass spins with no direction
i can understand that

honesty isn't in your vocabulary
all your friends are imaginary
your fantasy world is all you knew
you never cared for anyone but you
i have been there too

the lines were drawn in the sand
no one knows what happened
you aren't the type to give answers
you zig and zag to avoid reality
it is fear that drives you

you forgot about her
you buried her underneath a carefree exterior
she will haunt your dreams
one day you'll have to face her and God
i expect you will cry then too

karma will catch up to you
babies are the purest of souls
all the bad decisions will be judged
God sees through all lies
will you do good now
and will it be enough to pay what is due

Soul for Sale

what exists outside of me means nothing.
it's what i hold onto inside of me
that brings meaning to my life.
money and possessions are pointless,
only God's love can bring me happiness.

i cannot buy a new soul on sale.
i cannot auction my heart on ebay.
if i turn myself toward the light,
the darkness will no longer surround me.
it's up to me to choose the good.
no one else can make the choice for me.

we each have a journey on this earth.
the path is a straight line,
but there are many temptations along the way.
my own journey to God is unique.
no one walks to the same beat in their head.
i seek to understand beyond what my senses can comprehend.
I physically cannot capture what I crave.

the sun lights up this page i'm writing on.
i feel courage pouring into me.
i sense a new boldness taking hold of me.
i cannot love what i cannot keep.
i read God's word like a starved lion.
i feast upon the spirit of his sacrificed lamb.

my depression is just me being homesick.
i was missing God and his spirit.
i couldn't tell good from evil.
i had gotten lost on my way home
and my life reflected this.

i've been struggling to see what was right in front of me.
the light got flipped on, and suddenly,
the answers were given to me.
you are what you read.
you are what you hear.
you are what you say.
you are what you do.
my perceptions were turned away from the Lord.
i am filled with joy to be back on track.
Amen!!!

Average

it's the middle of the road
or sitting on the fence.
it's doing your best just to make ends meet.
everything i am is average.
i do okay but i never get ahead.

i look typical, i guess,
for a mid west girl.
i did my best to leave the nest,
but i didn't get very far away.
at the end of the day,
it's always just okay.

i have an average iq,
and an average attitude.
i won't complain,
because i wasn't raised that way.
i'd love to find one man
that thinks i am beautiful just the way i am.

i use average words
and i make average pay.
my waistline, though large,
is the new average these days.
i am an average worker.
i do okay on an average day.

i used to tear myself apart.
i critized myself against perfect stars.
i now accept my average face.
God doesn't make mistakes.
He made me to be average from the start.
so i'm okay with being average today.

His Will

life is hard, but today that's alright.
i've kicked back on a chocolate sofa.
i'm enjoying life's simple comforts.
a gentle spirit has nested in my heart.
it's not perfect, but it's a start.

i'm delighted to be here.
it's a miracle to be born.
the way all the stars lined up.
how your mom and dad fell in love,
makes you believe in fate.

sadness robs us of God's warmth.
i've spent too many years in the darkness of despair.
i felt i had to be some impossible idea.
the perfect saint dressed in pure white,
but my white clothes all have mustard stains on them.
it dawned on me that i had to let go of perfect.

every day God's touch is within our view.
the blooming tiger lilies outside my back door.
the birds singing their beautiful songs.
my daughter watching reality tv.
all of it is evidence that God is here.

i thought i had to climb to the top of a mountain
or visit some exotic land to see God's hand,
but now i realize he is everywhere.

i am humbled.
i understand so little of his plan.
faith will have to guide me through.
i cannot see him, if i am not looking.
i cannot hear him, if i am not listening.
so today i sit still,
waiting, hoping, and praying to do his will.

Cold Soul

who let the cold in?
it's getting late.
i reach for the silence before it escapes.
i pull the blankets up over my head.
i lie there holding my breathe
pretending i'm hiding from death.

a knock at my door at a quarter to four,
i won't let you in next time.
i am happy to see you but sad when you go.
my house will never be your home.

you bring me my old insecurities.
i'm trying to improve myself.
i can't move forward when you hold me back.
i'm like a sponge,
i absorb whatever i surround myself with,
so i need to hear and see what is good.

why is this so hard?
i struggle for the words.
i will always have love for you,
but i can't see you anymore.
when i'm with you i forget to be true.
i do so many things i regret later,
and when you go i reek of shame
and i am stained with guilt for weeks.

i can't keep resetting myself every time you come by.
i should have never let you stay,
but i only have myself to blame,
for letting your cold soul in.

Teach Me

teach me to heal the wounds of fear.
bring me a healer to lead me back to righteous thoughts.
distractions tempted me into being unworthy.
i painted my life in the red of sin.
i built my own prison from selfish desires.
i am desperate to feel God's love again.

i will apply the golden rule to everything i say and do.
Jesus, I beg you for your forgiveness,
project onto me your light and grace
and i will serve for the rest of my days, amen.

my revelation to see soulful perfection
was brought to me while i was drowning in a sea of confusion.
i wasn't capable of seeing the truth.
my detour through many sins had my free will chained to several addictions.
i asked for a miracle.
i wanted to change my perception.
my atonement brought back to me an amazing peace and contentment.

i look forward to every new day.
i enjoy the opportunities to serve and pray.
i stand strong in the timelessness of God's love.
my nights of tears have disappeared along with my fears.
Jesus saved me and he teaches me how to help myself by helping others.

Mary's Kiss

my heathen ways have stolen my wings.
God left me a note.
it told me to take a stand
and walk through the darkness into the sunshine.
the doubt burning inside of my mind went out.
i began to pull the weeds of sin that had overgrown my soul.
i found the less talking i did the more peaceful i became.

i was holding onto a rope that was not tied down.
i had an old rusty lock on my heart.
i used God's words like a gun to shoot the lock off
and open my heart back up to feel love.

i got my wings back on a hot summer's eve.
an angel dragged them back to me.
they were torn and held together with pieces of string,
but Mary kissed them so i could fly again.

i used to worry every week if i could survive one more day.
i leaned on the government's of man to do my thinking,
but i always found myself lost and forsaken.
i shifted my thoughts to pick up on heavenly council.
now i'm zipping along following God's compass.

my spiritual ways are erasing all of my pains.
God and I are walking amongst the flowers together.
my heart is light with joy
and my soul radiates from his blessings.
accepting Jesus' sacrifice was the only way to fix me.

Morning Glory

I wake up with the sun.
I look out my window and I see a lone morning glory.
We are both alone, but a morning glory has never loved in vain like me.
I pursue this thought born of silence hoping to find peace.

I asked a wise old man to teach me happiness.
He said to me, "Listening to God's instruction and use the knowledge you have, for one is silver and the other is gold."
My sorrow leaves me with a broken spirit.
I will surrender to this wisdom and renew my committment to seek truth.

There is substance in good.
I fell into evil by playing dumb.
I ignored what was right.
My arrogance in my own existence prevented me from loving myself.
A gracious heart does not envy.
I had to seperate myself from my pride to cleanse my soul.

I now speak thoughts free of guile.
I show mercy to everyone.
My heart is clean again.
I departed from the material to embrace the spiritual.

I am learning more with each prayer.
I awoke this morning with the sun.
I walked outside and stroked the petals of that lone morning glory.
I felt the Holy Ghost calm my mind, as I whispered, now I am never alone.

Inequity

i carry a life full of inequity upon my shoulders.
i feel persecuted and alone in my troubles.
there are rumors amongst those i know.
the lies spread and grow beyond who i am.
the blatant manipulations of a few take their dark toll upon my precious soul.

every step i take i try to break free from the fear mongers whispering to me.
i am haunted by the time i lost locked up inside too afraid to move.
i hurt myself to know i still feel.
the blame rests with me for these sins.

one day death will seek me out.
every atom i am will turn to ash.
if i say a prayer for Jesus to be my savior,
will all my twisted thoughts disappear?
Do all my wounds heal?
i am covered in self-inflicted scars.
i bathe five times a day trying to wash away the stench of my fears.

i can't look myself in the eye in the mirror.
if God hears every one of my thoughts, does he cry like i do?
my morals are compromised.
my goodness rots on the vine;
never harvested and never applied.

i am told of a man in the bible named Job.
he suffered more then any human being has ever suffered.
his faith never waivered.
he was strong in his love of God.
i want to be more like Job, but i am weak.
i long for a stonger hand to hold mine to help me choose what's right.

i've given away all the good pieces of me.
i carry my mistakes like a cross upon my shoulders.
i have reaped what i have sown.
this life of fear is all i've ever known,
but i hope one day i will be free of all these burdens crushing me.

The Rules

i'm starting to wonder if i have a heart left to break.
i'm basking in the bliss of my ignorance.
i don't want to be your therapist.
i don't want to know your wife's name.
if you're cheating on her it's not about me.
i'm a symptom of your disease, not the root cause.

these are the rules to follow if you wish to proceed.
you don't talk about me.
no one needs the to know about me.
this never happened, i don't know you.
this is a one time limited offer.
we fuck, you leave.

we continue with our separate lives.
the sexual curiousity satisfied.
there's no need to create drama.
i don't want a committment from you.
you are already in one.
if we stick to the basics,
no problems should arise.
we fuck, you leave.

i don't care about the state of your marriage.
it may seem cold of me,
but i've learned the hard way how this plays out.
there's no use in loving a married man,
when he's not married to you.
i'm never enough of a reason for him to leave her.
if you agree to play by the rules then we can get to it.
let's fuck, so you can leave!

God's Work

the softness of the dog's fur when i pet her
the coldness of the morning breeze
the saddness of an acoustic guitar plays
the stillness of my self as i meditate
the beauty of the moment sinks in
days like today i appreciate being lonely

the warmth of the sun upon my face
the roughness of the patio concrete against my feet
the sweetness of a cherry coke on my tongue
the songs of the birds in the trees
the simplicity of life washes over me
days like today i admire God's work

the quiet of my mind
the focus of my thoughts
the joy of my heart
the smile i have right now on my face
the faith i am feeling
days like today i remember why i breathe

the sorrows of my mistakes ease
the passions of my heart are pleased
the confessions of my soul are addressed
the questions of my mind are answered
the miracle of contentment settles on me
days like today i am thankful to be alive

Every Bit of Me

the tone of your voice is slightly hypnotic.
that must be why i believe you
when you tell me to trust you.
i'd like to dance in the rain with you.
let the storm overcome us
and be soaking wet, drenched in the moment.
all the world revolving around our hearts' beating.

i don't live in reverse.
i love full speed ahead.
when i commit, i'm all in!
no retractions or substitutions.
i hand over every bit of me.
the good and the bad,
it's more then you've ever had.

the light sparkles in your bright eyes.
that must be why i think you only see me
when you enter a room.
i'd like to spend eternity with you.
let my life start now
and the past will evaporate.
the future is wide open.
all we've done before now is obsolete.

A Colony of One

you'd think with all the hearts i've been through,
i'd learn a thing or two about love.
i'm surprised by the outcome every time.
i've established a perimeter around my heart.
i will defend it until i die.
no one is getting behind my lines!

i'm emotionally challenged
and sexually damaged.
i can't translate body language.
my eyes are transperant,
because my soul has grown cold.

calm down, panic serves no purpose.
the sun will come up tomorrow.
i have assembled a shield of steel.
i would recommend you retreat.
there's no shame in giving up.

i never reach critical mass.
my mask is super glued to my face.
my flesh is covered with scars of my past.
i feel no pain, like a leper, my system is numb.
i reside in a colony of one
and right now i feel it is over crowded.

On The Floor

i meant no harm when i took your arm
i used every one of my many charms
and you fell for me hard.
the sky fell in on us.
we thought forever could never be long enough.
at least until the hormones wore off.

i made a wish it never happened,
but life doesn't work that way.
all my memories pile up on me
and the pain is smothering me.
i lie collapsed and shaking on the floor.

i am not sure how to proceed.
i am unconvincing when it comes to pandering.
i would like to cut to the chase,
but honesty is overrated these days.
i wish i could skip the next few weeks.

hints have been dropped.
game pieces have been assigned.
you have your side and i have mine.
we spin round and round
until i lose my grip.
i lie collapsed and shaking on the floor.

we aren't speaking but we talk.
tension radiates and surrounds us.
every word we don't say is killing me.
how do people live this way?
i'm ready to tap dance right out the door.

i wish i could see the humor in it.
all the world laughs without me.
i killed our love and blamed it on religon.
i had second thoughts.
i blamed all the bad on you.
i feel like a fraud.
i break down and cry.
again, i lie collapsed and shaking on the floor.

So Goes the TV

aw man what a day!
i was confused.
i was sad.
i was anxious.
i was well fed.

i was loud.
i was hyper.
i was bitchy.
i was gassy

nothing escaped me.
my mind fled the scene.
i was pure emotion.
rolling, just rolling on my hormonal waves.

so my kid has the tv on
and it amuses me,
but if she leaves,
so goes the TV!!!

A Lot to Learn

i thought i was finished.
that was my mistake.
the work i need hasn't even begun.
my whole universe is a major construction zone.
i keep taking the detours,
but i never end up where i wanted to go.
i keep passing orange cones,
hoping to see the end of my road,
but there's more work to be done.

the glasses of youth let us see our potential.
the future is a secret so we don't lose hope.
if you were told by 40 you'd be fat, broke, divorced and alone;
your motivation to live wouldn't exist.
our immortality is a mere footnote on a census report.

i had goals to achieve.
i didn't plan for the mistakes.
i let people use me.
i let people hurt me.
i was so broken hearted i could not see
that these tests brought out the best in me.
i speak gentler now.
i am kinder now.
i've turned my own pain inside out.
i've flipped the sorrow over to help others.
my lessons are many, but i still have alot to learn.

A Heavy Heart

insanity furrows my brow.
i'm frenzied to find a way out.
problems run across my mind.
solutions are just beyond my reach.
i'm angry then bored.
i shut myself down for the night.
maybe in my sleep i'll unwind.

depression fuels my frown.
i truly have a heavy heart.
it beats so slowly it almost stops.
i've been waiting for a friend,
but no one comes here.
i swim in my tears
and make me a blanket from my fears.

recklessness has formed my scars.
i'm patched together by threads of hope.
i bury myself behind my anxiety.
my hands are so wrung they look older then i am.
my fractures criss and cross along my soul.
i long to once again be whole,
but the light fades before the idea can take hold.

caution defines every step i take.
heavy sighs follow every breath.
it hurts in ways i don't understand.
i belong to no one here.
i once had pockets full of dreams.
now i'm broken out of my seams.
i've betrayed myself against my own wishes.

Only God Knows

i'm trying to stay positive.
it's hard when negativity hits me every day.
how many blows to my soul can i take?
only God knows. only God knows.

i try to be optimistic.
i got bad news today.
how many times can i be disappointed?
only God knows. only God knows.

i try to be helpful.
i always offer a helping hand.
how long can i withstand all the rejection?
only God knows. only God knows.

i get worn out.
my life seems endlessly tough.
when will my trials end?
only God knows. only God knows.

i dare not forsake my faith.
i can't always feel good.
how will i move forward?
only God knows my heart.
only God knows me.

What I Need

i cry alone in the darkness of my home.
i feel invisible and forlorn.
i then hear a voice, soft and sweet,
it speaks to me, you are not invisible to me.
my child, i see you clearly.
every emotion you feel comes to me too.
do not think you are alone,
because my spirit is always with you.

i felt better that night.
i said a prayer of gratitude
for the love of God and his gentle reminder,of who i am.
my load is lightened.
i go about my life at peace,
until my heart gets broken again.

i sit in the darkness of my home.
i wonder if God has forgotten me.
why must i suffer this way?
then i hear the voice again,
soft but firm, i am reprimanded.
i have not forgotten you,
but you have forgotten me.
my child, when you are suffering
I hurt a thousand times more.
If you'd listen more often,
you'd understand, that this is what you need.

i am humbled and embarassed.
i say a prayer filld with my heartfelt repentance.
my troubles are lifted from me.
i am focused and at peace.
Thank you God for not giving up on me!

now i travel lightly through life.
i listen for his directions at every fork in the road.
i pray often every day for him to guide me.
when i get lost, his gentle voice corrects me.
He is a loving tolerant father,
admonishing his wayward child,
not with fury but with love.
i always find my way when i have faith God knows what i need.

Indulgence

devotion can't capture how i feel about you
i elevate my heart to heaven
when you call out to me
this feeling spins me around
faster then the speed of light
i'd give up every sin to be your one indulgence

obsession is you dominating my every thought
i create a world just for us
when you say my name
these moments are just the prelude
our symphony will play across the universe
the fat lady will never sing on our love

passion for your every flaw
i know you inside and out
when you breathe i know your next thought
this bond is absolute
our connection runs down to a cellular level
i entwine my very essence with yours

possessions do not matter to us
objects are not what we need to be complete
when we come together we are in sync
the magic we make is a mystery to others
i disappear when you are near
and abracadabra, two become one forever

Suppression

i stay still.
if i move i'll ruin this moment.
two dogs peacefully snoring.
i try not to make any noise.
i find myself yearning to sneeze.

i fight for control over my body.
now my foot itches.
it's a common battle,
since the dawn of man,
we've tried to suppress ourselves.

i feel like laughing,
but i just smile.
it's been awhile since
i felt this torn.
my feet are falling asleep.

i'm tired too,
but i don't want to get up.
is it friday yet?
my moment of quiet content
is slipping away.
i want to hold on to it,
but i know it won't stay.

the snoring continues,
as i wonder how much longer
i can suppress the urge to use the bathroom!