Rent Free

a couple of clicks of the mouse and i sent your cheating heart out to her.
she was clueless, but now she's aware.
you aren't up on her pedestal anymore.
i shot an arrow through all of our hearts.

you told me you'd never talk to me again.
the fallout from you was expected.
i'm hoping now that the cord between us has been so coldly severed i can move on from you.
you weren't good to me.
i'm a person, but you only took from me.

i feel in control finally.
i'm sad she had to be caught in the middle.
i have to take what i've learned from you dominance of me.
i can't let you live rent free in my head anymore.

my stomach turns at the thought of coming face to face with you.
so far you've stayed away.
i didn't mean to chase you off of facebook or out of your apartment.
time will heal these wounds too!

i know you'll twist my words into what you need.
i wasn't able to tell you our relationship was hurting me.
when you touch me i lose all my senses.
there was only one way i could think to end this.
i crossed that line and now i need to stay strong.

i didn't matter to you.
you hurt me again and again and i LET YOU!!!
i have to accept that i created my own cage and gave you the key.
i have to answer to myself why i let you use me without mercy.
i have forgiveness in my heart for you,
and with time it'll get better for all of us!

Silence, Do You Some Good?!

silence is more precious then gold.
leave the sound out of your mind.
focus on what you're feeling.
breathe slow and deep to relax.
can you reach a peaceful place yet?

close your eyes to block out the world.
hold yourself for comfort.
your the only one that's always there for you.
focus on every tactile brush of your hand.
come and find what sets you free.

do you need a pill to see?
are you addicted to the numbness?
let the anger flow out of you.
let the creativity take control of you.
reclaim your soul.

my dreams are full of darkness.
i ca't forget the pain.
i'm unable to focus my thoughts.
purgatory is living;
hell is ignoring you're alive.

freedom is relative;
i've built a hell hole.
my hidden self trapped.
focus on the light.
move toward the sunshine;
one step at a time.

i see.
i feel.
the numbness has begun to fade,
but here comes the pain!

In Between

i'm sitting here thinking about my life.
there's been so many up's and down's.
i've had high's and low's around every guy,
but lately, i feel hung up in between heartbreak and happiness.

there's no tears or screams this time.
i got all i need and most of what i wanted.
i'm tired of reaching beyond my means.
i may not have everything but i'm in between rich and poor.

the quiet surrounds me and i'm content.
i've gotten used to the mundane.
there's nothing wrong with me.
i enjoy the moments of solitude.
i like being in between over and under whelmed.

some would complain that all the passion is gone,
but i adore the peace in my heart.
no amount of money could buy me this mellow groove.
i dance around humming an upbeat melody.
i'm going to savor every in between day!

hurry me up or slow me down,
i'm not going to complain.
there's a complacent tone in my soul.
there's a smile on my face.
so you can be in between my good side and bad side,
and i won't get mad.

the holy spirit isn't whispering to me today.
my thoughts are coming at a good pace.
i've got my time lined up nice and neat.
i'll stay in between busy and bored this week.

you might joke about my obliviousness.
i'd walk past a fire in complete calm.
i'm centered and complete.
if i could stay in between heaven and hell for the rest of my life,
i'd be okay!

Better

tied to a butterfly's wings my anxiety flies away.
the wind and rain pound onto my heart in vain.
my strength waivers at times but i maintain i matter.
today i feel better!

happiness has never defined my life.
my personality teeters between crazy and crazier.
i give each man i love all i got but it ain't ever enough.
today i'll do better!

mood swings and personal demons take their toll.
i'm hard to like and harder to love.
the medication only destroys what makes me shine.
today i'll be better!

lonesome tears stain my cheeks.
life's sorrows overfill my cup.
on each horizon i see the road i should have been on.
today i'll choose better!

tomorrow brings unpredictable feelings.
i might be happy or i might be sad.
there's no way for me to make any kind of guarantee,
but today i was better!

Misery's Bitch

did you find that rabbit hole where you were hoping to find your soul?
i fell into an invisible man.
he missed what he never did understand.
he's fed, fat and happy, but i'm plotting the perfect moment for my revenge.
the cold air nuzzles my neck and chokes on my cigarette.
i'm riding his hot air to the clouds and sliding to hell on his icy stare.
there's loves embrace and fear's kisses all jumbled up inside my memories of him.

do you keep her next to your shiny new car like a trophy that says you're a star?
she thinks you're in love with her, but we both know that's not true.
loneliness stalks you with every lie you utter to her.
she's not going to buy your delay tactics forever.
she's the kind of woman that marries;
and your the kind of man that worries she wants to marry you.
i'm chasing down karma and pointing it to your door.
stack the deck anyway you want.
the truth has a way of coming out.
i can wait for your life to fall apart.
your hands were never there to hold mine when i needed it,
so mine won't be there for you when she leaves you.

did i set this up so i always lose everything?
maybe i'm hard wired to be misery's bitch, but i stopped lying.
you never broke character with me or her.
how long can you keep pretending to be the man she wants you to be?
no wonder you're always sleeping, all this acting must be exhausting!
i'd beat some sense into you if i thought you could feel.
i've had my breakdown; i wonder how long it'll be until yours comes around.
i dreamed about you lying in bed with me instead of her.
i don't know if it was a nightmare but it scared me.
you and i together won't ever be, because that would be pure misery!

Outer Space

everyone is looking fatter to me.
is it my paranoia about my weight gain reflecting back onto me?
i obsess over the numbers on the wii.
i want to be in the normal zone so badly!
all my energy is being sucked away.
i can't help but think if i were thinner he'd be here today.

it helps to blame something physical.
when i know the problem is in my head.
it's easier to starve myself then to change.
i'm saving a lot of money this way.
i'm learning what my ribs look like again.

he said i was pretty, but i'm not prettier then her.
i know i can't win this race.
he'll marry her and live happily without me,
like i never existed!

he might as well be in outer space now,
because we aren't in each other's orbits anymore.
i miss him more then i realized i would.
the heartache fuels my depressed state.

once i give him what's due he'll disappear.
i want to owe him forever just so i can hold him.
all naughtiness comes to an end,
but i would love for him to bend me over again.

if i had courage my favorite color wouldn't be yellow
and i'd be bold enough to stake my claim.
but i can't and he won't,
so i sit here and choke on the tears i have no right to cry.
i'll embrace my lonely self and tuck myself in at night;
so i can pretend he dreams of me like i do him!

Favorite Chocolate Bar

i'm inhaling the leftover scent of your cologne.
i try to capture your intense presence in a jar.
your hazel eyes inspired me to fall.
i want to take this feeling and hang it up like a poster on my wall.
you could be my idol and i could be your doll,
but i'm not grammy material.
and the music we made ended on the wrong note.
now your voice is lost to me!

i want to recycle my memories into toys for poor kids
or maybe turn myself into your favorite chocolate bar,
then you would love me as much as pooh bear loves his honey.
please change your cooling affections!
it's sunday maybe by thursday you'll want me again.
i'm nowhere without your hands dancing with desire over my skin.
i feel like i've fallen into an empty pit of despair;
instead of you keeping me warm i wear thermal underwear.

take a laser and carve you out of my brain.
be thorough, i want to forget every little thing.
why couldn't you like me the most?
if you were a drug i'd be your abuser.
the words growled under your breath fester like open wounds upon my flesh.
open up my chest and remove my heart;
it's not important to me if you aren't here for me to love!

Unexpected Praise

touch me when i don't want you to.
push past all the bullshit i say to you.
i've got chocolate on my forehead
and a broken heart in the mail to you.
i'm too young to be so done with living,
but when you focused on me i wanted to live forever.

a number dances on my mind,
48, 48, 48 is when she died.
i don't know how much longer i've got,
so wasting this time loving you really sucks.
i worry about dying every day.
my demons are winning in every way.

you told me my writing blew you away.
i latch onto this unexpected praise.
intentions and desires clash and clog my vision.
i have lost all my perceptions.
you need to tell me what you really think when you think about me.

i seek solace in a forgiving man,
but he's never here when i need him the most.
i'm beginning to retreat back into my head.
this man isn't really my friend.
i ask for a simple hug and i get a shrug.

i don't want you to touch me anymore.
my shut down has commenced.
i'm giving you a big send off.
my heart is being shipped out
and i don't want it to ever come back.

Console Myself

cramps, blood, pain, misery; all has befallen me.
failure, disappointment, fear, doubt; all are present here with me.
there's been a total eclipse of my soul.
crashing waves of angry thoughts beat me down.
thrashing words whip me from out of your mouth.
my savior flies south while i walk north.
there's only an echo to keep me company now!

a solemn mood has settled over me.
my emotions hesitate to be.
every color bleeds.
notice the little wrinkles on my forehead.
i'm rotting away.
my flesh dries out.
every breath is death.

despair, loneliness, sadness, madness; all perch upon my shoulders.
aches, spasms, depression, exhaustion; all kick me when i'm down.
there's a hostile take over going on in my heart.
hurling accusations hit me hard.
whirling clouds of confusion take my breath away.
my hopes took the last bus out of town.
there's only me to console myself now!

Wrestle the Devil

i keep waiting for something awesome to happen to me.
i'm lazy!
i need to pull my head out of my ass.
i'd rather dream my life away then work too hard.
i love to play!
i'd like to do that everyday, but i get bored.
i've forgotten i'm capable enough to learn new things.
my downward spiral into inactivity has hit rock bottom.
i have to dust off my inner sun and let it shine!

i can write so why can't i sing too?
i can walk so now it's time to run.
i can talk so now i should say something important.
i can love so now i should show someone.
i have all these skill being unused.
i'm taking a step back so i can move forward.

i'm done waiting for the world to take notice.
my attitude is shifting back into alignment.
i'm not going to worry about tomorrow.
today is the only day that matters.
every moment requires my attention.
i'll wrestle the devil out of these details
and i will conquer my inner demons!

Ohio Cold

i can't stay another day alone in this ohio cold.
if i were better behaved would you come back to stay?
it's dark by 6pm.
the single digit temperatures chase away all the warmth i have.
baby, please come home.
you're all i have to hold in this ohio cold.

these nights are wearing me down.
my heart is frozen solid and one more hurtful word from you
my heart will surely shatter;
as things do in this ohio cold.

am i not good enough for you?
you've forgotten me again, haven't you?
why do you run away from me and leave me to cry in this ohio cold?
i'm so tired and my bones ache.
i can't think clearly and you're so calm.
you aren't here suffering with me in this ohio cold.

i can't stay another day alone in this ohio cold.

Iron Will

my iron will has rusted out
leaving me susceptible to your smarmy charms.
there's no coffin big enough to hold all my doubts,
but i'll bury myself under your false pretenses.

my escape must be flawless.
i've super glued my smile on my face.
the duct tape holds my heart in place.
i can't chase you when you aren't running.
i have to laugh at how i thought you were sincere.

my fallacy was assuming you knew how to tell the truth.
i'm exhausted from arguing with myself.
i don't have any self-esteem left to give you.
support for us is down to my left pinky finger and i'm ready to cut it off.

my ears are burning from the lies you say.
i've stuffed my heart with fat to kill it.
i'd rather die at my own hands then your demands.
misery is lonely that is why it craves company.

my cognitive distortion was my thinking you'd leave her.
magical thinking can't bring me satisfaction.
your animal magnetism blew me away.
i felt you inside of me so the emotions must be real.

my groundless accusations are gaining traction.
i was told you like dirt better then having sex with me.
you're crazy to think this hasn't become personal.
i don't want to jump to conclusions, but you leave me no where else to go.

my discretion is growing from a whisper to a shout.
the lies must stop before they take over.
i disappear behind the cold wind of winter.
for now i think i can keep a lid on myself,
but i can't tell you it's forever or just until tomorrow.

Verb

i lay in bed mesmerized by the ceiling again.
i close my eyes and i see light and dark.
the shadows chase me when i try to sleep.
i feel my face with my fingertips.
i press against the bone underneath my flesh.
i feel caged in and i want to dig my nails into my skin
and tear away what brings me pain.

the path is getting narrow.
the darkness is getting stronger.
i'm turning into a being of pure feeling.
my senses are reeling.
i don't know if it's the drugs leaving or the real me being.

this life of people, lies, and sex smells like shit.
i want to break my own neck.
when the sun hides, when the clouds conceal; that's when my mind comes alive.
i spin through a billion thoughts.
i'm devoured nerve by nerve.
the air is pushing down and in on me.
all i suffer is never enough.

sacrifice me at your will.
i'm breaking down.
i can't stay wrapped up in a bubble.
i think too damn much.
i am power; raw, sensual, sexual fire.
all the reality blurs as my world collapses with one word, verb!

Time Bomb

don't charge me admission to my own execution.
the hang man's rope calls out to me.
all these hopes that died on my tongue leave me crushed by their gravity.
the peace lily is dying; the war within is still raging.
someday i wanted to change, but not today!

you were the bigger man and that makes me sad.
don't judge me by your own moral standards.
the ten commandments are more like guidelines i ignore all the time.
i envy. i covet. i lust. i fornicate. i lie. i steal. i cheat.
i don't ask for respect because i never give it.
there's no honor inside this broken down whore i've become.

the most i get takes all i got.
don't think you know what i'm going to do next.
i don't know where i'm going or what i'm doing.
i saw you were back here last night smoking.
you didn't even bother to say hi.
the words you gave me were to pacify.
we're both afraid i'm going to lose my mind.

my insides are malfunctioning.
don't believe it's guilt because i'm falling apart.
it's just my broken heart flooding my system with those tears you wouldn't let me cry.
the fears have overtaken all my reason.
your voice had lulled me into submission.
we aren't friend but you like to pretend we are.
your influence over me is fading at last.
one day you'll piss me off and that will set me off, but not today!
i'm a ticking time bomb with a broken clock!

Big Bad Wolf

sunsets come and go
contagious diseases spread rapidly
obvious choices get ignored
time settles everyone down
tomorrow you don't want to wake up alone

girls become women you can't trust
emptiness follows your every step
reasons no longer add up
all your houses got blown down
love has become your big bad wolf
demons have replaced your dreams

calluses have formed over your heart
openess is a concept you forgot
utopia is a woman too desperate to ask questions
little by little the world folds in on you
ominous clouds are rolling in
misery is calling you in the middle of the night
beware the woman that loves you with all her might
everyone screws up, you just screw everyone

Drink It Away

i abandoned my pants in the hallway;
the contents of my stomach are in the toilet.
my body is trying to get this poison out of me, but i don't quit.
i want the alcohol to bring me oblivion.
i'm going to drink it away.

the thoughts slow down to one at a time.
my mind is wrapped up in a warm fog.
i see but i don't feel.
i take another shot to kill all the pain i got.
i'm going to drink it away.

the days and nights pass me by in a haze.
my compulsions to touch you are buried under booze.
if i begin to move, i pour one more.
one day i won't need this crutch.
one day i'll drink away the memory of your touch.

you are all i think about.
you are consuming me.
you told me i hurt you, but you hurt me too.
we were pure, but i always feel dirty.
i got jealous and tired of being runner up to her.
i'm going to drink it away.

this rejection burns as i swallow another one down.
my desire's flame is being doused by the whiskey's sting.
why'd i let you in because now i can't get you out.
i feel like i'm bleeding to death.
life is love and love is pain.
i will drink it away!

Be the One

be the one to show me the way, make my day.
my love is fragile; i'm running on empty.
do you know how to fix a broken hearted soul?
please tell me you understand and give me one more chance.
all i need is one more chance to love someone.

be the one to show me the way, make my day.
my soul is bitter; i'm sick of being alone.
can you help me find my happiness inside the coldness?
please say you've been here too and love me.
all i need is for you to love me.

be what you are, my beacon of hope.
be who i see, my soul mate.
be everything to me, my lover and best friend.
be the one to show me the way.
come on baby, make my day.
i know you're the one, please make my day!

Heat in a Moment

it's a dark night, stars and moon are out of sight.
our cooling bodies entangled in the sheets.
the distant worries begin to accumulate.
life is altered from how we've known it.
all in the transfer of our body heat in a moment.
the passion ripples inside our bodies but my heart is unmoved.

i waited years to touch and kiss you.
i wanted you for so long i had almost quit,
but events unfolded like a treasure map.
you were led to me and i embraced you.
i'm not one to think things through
and now that our heat in a moment is at an end...

it's quiet as we lay side by side staring up at the ceiling.
the house could be on burning down and we wouldn't move.
the magic spell of passion's heat in a moment has been broken.
we both are wondering where do we go from here!

this adventure wasn't as fulfilling as i had dreamnt.
i built this moment up in my fantasies and reality tore it down.
my attention span has been redirected and you haven't even left my bed.
as the night slowly turns into day, this heat in a moment fades away.

i'm running like i always do, until another man catches my eye.
i love having a new one to pursue.
the chase is the heat that builds slowly before it ignites me.
one day i'll stop and regret all the love i've let pass me by,
but now i have to tell you good bye.
there's this really good looking guy i want to try!

It Hurts

my life has been swallowed by my fantasies.
i don't want to be brave.
i want to run!
i want to hide!
life has become a burden.
i want to escape reality and it hurts.

i wonder throughout the sterile hallways of my brain.
i continue to search for my happiness, but it hurts.
i've closed off my emotions.
i can't afford the luxury of falling in love and it hurts.

my hopes rise too easily and my hopes burn out too quickly.
i have 100% turn around.
i know my life wasn't always a merry-go-round of pain.
i can't rewind me and it hurts.

i want him to want to be with me.
i shouldn't have to beg, lie, or plea.
i see his light and i'm greedy.
i want to be in his spotlight, but that's not what we are.
he's not that into me and it hurts.

my destiny has to be more then lying around in my PJ's all day.
i swear i'm beginning to understand what the dog is saying.
i'm all alone and it hurts.
my world is shrinking and it hurts.

No More Hugs

akward glances meet nonchalant shrugs, it means no more hugs.
my thoughts linger on the marlboro taste of your kisses.
if i could paint the perfect picture of us i'd paint you nuzzling my breasts.
destitute and desperate, i bet the rest of my love on you.
life keeps showing me there's no such thing as a sure bet,
but my heart refused to believe and we fell for your charms still.

i see the trajectory of your wants like a bullet from a gun.
you ripped through me and continued on with your fun.
there never was any talk of love, just chemical infused suggestions.
if pain feels this good then hurt me some more.
i'm a glutton for you punishments and adore being your whore.

pluck away on my heartstrings, i can't feel their pull anymore.
i'd slash your big hoss tires i could see your fire once more.
the only way i vibrate is when you shake me to my core.
all of this has become an anti-thesis of a bore.

the myopic lullabye of my obsession plays on in my head.
i hum along to your memory as i masterbate myself to sleep.
my flesh and blood has trapped our sin between my ears.
my pride never existed when you were by my side,
but i'd die a thousand times just to taste your cum one more time.

epic love stories like romeo and juliet can't be wrong.
love is the truest when everyone else thinks it doesn't belong.
the poison is the lust that makes the rest of our lives lose its luster.
we shift into overdrive to capture the thrill of life.
only when you and i come together do we get back into the vibe.
my weakness is your touch, i need you to glow!

Far Flung Angel

tossed aside like a worn out rag doll,
i wanted you to kiss away my tears.
all my life i danced to the tune of my fears.
i see the end of the road and i'm not liking it!
the collision is destined and i have to live with that.

God threw me out into the world;
blonde and grey eyed, daddy's little angel;
one mistake followed by another,
it all adds up to me being a nervous wreck.
i pray to God for some relief,
but this far flung angel is out of His reach!

tell me the truth, i know it'll hurt.
i've sugar coated my faults and now no one recognizes me including me.
i wrote it all down in an emergency suicide note,
but i'll never kill myself,
but one day i'll destroy myself.

little girls are supposed to be sugar and spice and everything nice,
but i'm just crazy with rotten habits i can't break.
mommy's little angel lives life to the hilt.
my halo's broken and my wings are torn.
God has forgotten this far flung angel He used to adore.

i wish upon a planet.
my wishes are too big for the stars.
i want silence inside my head and peace within my heart.
i don't know where to start.
i saw the world in black and white,
but now i'm so far out i can't find the light.

dear God,
i'm off course.
i've flung myself upon the mercy of sin
and you can see what bad shape i am in.
please forgive this far flung angel and let me back in!

Here We Go

hearts, stars and butterflies entangle in the first crush;
the sudden rush of awareness between boy and girl.
that first catch of breath,
the speeding of their hearts.
the sudden urge to grab hold of another person
and press lips to lips;
not understanding fully the risk of heartache.
only feeling pure raw passion coarsing through your body,
like a lightening bolt that's jolted you from head to toe.
hold on,
hold on,
here we go...

Incomplete

i ask you to marry me in one sentence
and downplay it as jest in the next,
but if my heart could shout
it would cry out for you to be my man!

i'm right here, but you don't see me.
i'd love to expand the world's population with you.
your shaved head, goatee, and hazel eyes have me mesmerized.
how do i take control with you when i've never had it before?

i don't want a phone smarter then me.
caves, bungee jumps, and roller coasters don't call out to me.
the adventure i seek drinks his whiskey neat.
he doesn't cut corners, is borderline ocd, and eats meat.

promises haven't been exchanged.
we make out and dry hump regularly.
the build up to something more has fizzled out.
my mental images are the only ones getting off.

i love chocolate, the color yellow, and daffodils.
i hate clowns, death, and people who mock me.
what i know about scott can't complete this sentence.
he camps, off roads certain vehicles, and loves at least 1 of his 7 children.

my file on him is as incomplete as this poem.
i think we'd set the world on fire together.
our demons can throw one hell of a party.
little petey and i could meet daily.

let's talk about our feelings.
undo the damage done by years of neglect.
i'll take your hand and understand.
i'll love all of you and not just the parts i like.

you're a whole person, both good and bad.
i want to know it all.
please show me every part of your personality.
i know it's more complicated then i think.

i'm not here to save you or fix you.
you don't need that from me.
i accept you just the way you are.
you're beautiful to me.

but you never gave me a chance to love you.
this romance was all happenstance.
now you get a faux happy ending with her
and i'm left alone and incomplete!

Button

he should be angry but he's not.
i should've found a button to push by now, but i've not.
he's unpredictable and it's freaking me out.
he zigs when i zag.
he'd driving me mad!

desire flares my nostrils and dilates my pupils.
physically he provokes uncontrollable responses from me.
emotionally he confuses the fuck out of me.
i can't figure him out.
maybe he's playing me, but i got to find out.

he says one thing and does another.
i say i'm done, but i can't walk away.
he's never what i expect him to be.
he brings out every side of me.
he's always one step ahead of me!

happiness makes me smile and laugh.
cosmically he makes me feel alive again.
mentally we're acting like teenagers.
i'm unable to process all these emotions.
maybe it's time to run!

Melody for My Misery

i'll go emily dickinson on you;
lock myself up in my room and wear only white.
let the neighborhood children whisper about me while all i do is write.
i'll hear their laughter and use it as melody for my misery.
these poems will lay about scattered around the house until i die.
all my quirks, madness and antidotes will spread like a virus through cyber air.
these dreams i dare to dare.

i might work up the nerve to sylvia plath myself one day.
there's no expectations to live up to so i just play.
i amuse myself for hours staring at the ceiling or counting imaginary wild flowers.
life feeds off of power.
i gave mine to you, so now i wait for death like a coward.
please someone see me.
please come and get me.

i miss being human.
every door is locked.
every watch has stopped.
my windows are shuttered.
i sit and rot within my brain full of clutter.
maybe i could capture my inner poe.
i feel subtle rage when i stub my big toe.
the darkness swills down my throat.
i swallow hard so i don't choke.
bird's scare me and words fear me;
this will be my never more ending...
pity, pity, pity me!