There You Are

i need some direction.
i need a little love and protection.
i need to fall into your arms.
that's where i belong.
i felt you in my heart.
the distance doesn't factor.
you're imprinted on my soul,
with you so far away,
i'm constantly in pain.

i lie down on the couch.
i close my eyes and there you are.
the smile, the blue eyes, the crooked teeth.
the laughter you give me.
the look that tells me you need me.
i just close my eyes and there you are.
if i could i'd lie here all day,
just to avoid the pain.

i need to hear you are okay.
i need reminded that you're mine.
i need some reassurances you feel the same.
i need your lips on mine,
that's where they belong.
i felt the heat in your touch.
every mile we're apart disappears when i dwell upon these thoughts.
your memory steadies me.
without you near i feel like i'm going insane.

so i lie down on the couch.
i close my eyes and there you are.

Embrace God

the sun has set on my creativity.
my thoughts are like a ceiling fan, they spin and spin.
it always sounds better in my head.
i don't move, why bother,
by the time i get what i need,
i'll forget why i wanted it.

i'm down on myself again.
he hates when i do that,
but i can't control it.
it's like an invisible hand takes
command and my brain shifts to depressed.

there's a shitload of pills on the market.
but i don't want to be addicted.
i don't want to be dependent.
i want to live just the way i am.
to fix me, only feels like you're breaking me.
it hurts to have someone tell you you're crazy.
even when i know they aren't wrong.

these days the world's tilting more to the left.
i am trying to control who orbits around my planet.
i think you've succumb to my gravitational pull.
i want us to supernova.
my love for you can kill you.

my senses are alive with pain.
the nerves are sending agony to my brain.
all my neurons fire at once.
i'm cascading into a firestorm of chaotic thought.
i want to take a knife and cut my soul out of my flesh.
i can smell the blood of my release.

none of this flows together.
if you seek logic you should read elsewhere.
my journey has an expiration date.
one day i'll embrace God.
But for now i'll just get drunk on Strongbow!

The Mystery

I bring you up to heaven with my touch.
I can take you down to hell with one word.
I leave you wondering why.
You go through cards and letters trying to solve
the mystery i left behind.
you read my emails searching for answer i refused to give to you.
i don't have to tell you why.
not this time.

it hurts so much and it says so.
little i give you to ease the pain.
i leave you baffled, full of questions.
it bothers you all the time.
you can't get me off your mind.
the unanswered questions naw away at you.
in phone calls you beg me for release,
but i won't every tell you why.
not this time.

i left the dots behind.
you have to connect them on your own.
i won't tell you why, no, i won't.
you go ahead and cry.
too often i led you where you wanted to go.
but now you got to get there on your own.
i won't tell you why.
not this time.

Just You and Just Me, Alone

lay with me, play with me, chase me around the old oak tree.
we'll fall to the ground and pretend no one is around.
it'll be just you and just me, alone.
no pretenses and disguises, just you and me, undivided.

we are in love and happy to be you and me.
stay with me, run away with me.
we'll fly to the beach and walk in the sand.
we can hold each other's hands.
it'll be just you and just me, alone.
no pressure or schedules to keep, just you and me, as one.

we are stronger together and the whole is better.
forget your troubles and erase your past.
we'll steal a car and drive real fast.
we'll hide away from the world.
it'll be just you and just me, alone.
no phone or t.v.'s, just you and me, undistracted.

the two of us make it the best of us.
we're so perfect together.
let's never change or be apart.
forever our names will be entwined in history.
let it be said we were just being you and just being me, alone.
no lies, no secrets, and no promises unkept, just you and me, satisfied.

Ashamed

i couldn't think and i couldn't sleep,
so i did what i could and i sat down to weep.
i cried for all the years of pain.
every tear filled with my agony.
i cried for all the times i let time get away from me.
like a fool, i swore i could turn the tide,
but here i am years on down the road
and i am the same, completely, unchanged.

i'm so ashamed.
a victim of self-help fads.
i helped myself into a pit of pity.
i'm sorry for what i didn't do,
but redemption is empty when the pain's already been dealt.
i'm so ashamed.

my whole life has been about who i could be,
but i never took the time to see who i am.
i stumble on blind.
i look in the mirror without any recognition.
i let it all go.
i let my standards slide.
i don't know anything anymore.
i'm right back to where i was when i was born.
i'm raw and naked and undeveloped.

and ashamed of myself, so ashamed of everything
i did and all that i could've have done to make
life better, but didn't do because of fear.

Spoon Feed Me

hopeless romantic, i am,
but all you see is a sentimental fool.
i had thought time would change your mind,
but time is running into your defenses.
no words that i can say will ever be enough
to turn your head my way.
my only card to play would be to help you
out of financial ruin,
ironic, because i'm broke myself.

tonight i don't want to fight.
i'd love for you to hold me tight.
i know your love is an illusion
that i covet more then gold.
bring me my dreams and spoon feed them to me,
lay on a silver platter so you can serve me.

optimistic dreamer i am,
but all you hear is a nonsensical believer.
i imagined us together living happily ever after,
but you're halfway out the door.
there's no action i can take to persuade you to stay.
the only card i have left in my hand is the one i'm afraid to play.
ironic, because when i'm with you i feel fearless.

My Plan

i'm okay, i have a plan.
i'm not sure how to get what i want.
especially since you don't want me in return.

discord is emotionally scarring,
but i need startled out of my rut.
you found some buttons on me to push.
i found a man i can't resist.

hang around and be myself,
that's my plan, simple and true.
but it's all i have to give you.
i'm on my knees hoping to please.

with the simple motions of my hand,
i can send you spinning,
it empowers me to give to you.
i am enjoying you all over.

Fleas

the weekend revealed to me your melancholy mood.
my gift to you has fleas
and he pees everywhere.
but he was your wish and i love being a genie for you.

we went to a movie.
we shared a meal.
you were distant,
but i didn't care.

the first night we laid together without getting laid.
it was different.
you thought it was refreshing and
i am concerned.

i tried to be me like usual.
but i think you picked up on the undercurrents.
you drifted off not dreaming of me
and i'm thinking there's trouble ahead.

this time you stayed 2 nights in a row.
it's progress, but it's slow.
you have so much on your mind.
you need to see how much you offer
and know i want everything you have to give.

Missing You Today

i'm missing you today.
like the echo of my voice,
i wish you'd come back.
my heart aches when i watch you move,
technology brings you back,
like a ghost I can't touch
the screen breathes life back into your memory.
i can remember the last time I heard your voice,
you told me you loved me and i said i love you too.
they wheeled you away to recovery,
but you never made it to tomorrow.
no you never made it out of the hospital.

i miss you today.
more then i have in years.
time takes away the pain,
until you see something that reminds you.
it's hard to be here without you.
i wonder who got the short end of the stick.
you aren't suffering and i'll i do is hurt.
i want to be free of this earthly plain,
but i'm not given up, that's God's plan,
i'm not superior enough to think i can decide
if i should live or die.
i wish you could tell me to snap out of it.
you always spoke up and told me like it is.
i thought i'd lost that, but i have him now.

i miss you today.
i think you'd like him better then me.
he keeps me in check, telling me when i'm crazy
he laughs at me when i'm silly
and he tells me what i need to hear
the truth rolls from his tongue and it's sweeter then sugar bombs.
you'd think it's about time, why did it take me so long.
you just wanted perfection for your little girl,
but i never measured up, but you loved me anyways.
i wanted to be more and i would give away the world
if i could just see your smile one more time.

i miss you today.
christmas plays emotional games on me.
i can't stop crying.
i wish i could go see you in some time warp.
a video is not enough.

Look a Penny

what was i doing?
where was i going?
i hate when i do that!
my train of thought jumped the tracks
and it ain't coming back.

when did i become the forgetful one?
i think my brain is rotting.
the knowledge is disappearing.
my life is going to fade away
and no one will remember me.

sadness plays me like a violin.
sheltered from reality,
i want to fly south
and keep myself locked away,
before i hurt the ones i love.

my tears drop into my bubble bath.
the cherry blossom scent masks the smell of my disappointment.
i try not to stutter.
i know my reaction was stunted,
but i was caught off guard.
i don't know how to respond when you tear me down in one breath,
then compliment me in your next.

my brain doesn't fire rounds as quickly as your mouth does.
the trigger sticks and is hard to pull like molasses.
the cold has me confused,
there i go and use the wrong words with you again.
i want to hoard you in my bedroom,
seal you in behind the clutter of my love.

what was i doing?
what point was i trying to make?
i started this then stopped;
it's been an hour since i first had this thought.
all is lost to time's unrentless march.
oh, look a penny, it's so shiny!

Zygote

wow, 2 off hand comments in 1 call leave me reeling and discombobulated.
i had hoped we were moving forward, but i see now we've been twirling around in circles on the dance floor of our friendship.

i'm not little and my uterus isn't good enough for your zygote!

ther's not much i can do.
i'll never be her.
and i realize now you aren't letting her go.
so i'm the back up, 2nd place,
not even a qualified replacement for you.
you're still looking to date.
i'm not even registering as a potential mate.
i give up.
she wins.

i'm shutting down my attachment to you.
i no longer want to please you.
i don't want to see you.
but i will.

why? because i'm in love with you.
and to have some of you is better then none of you.
i'm coming to a crossroads here,
and i don't know which way to turn.

do i stick with the status quo?
or rock the boat?
do i make a demand?
or attempt to manipulate you?
i don't know what i want or need anymore.

and there's not much i can do.
but hang around and see if in time you end up wanting me.

Tuesdays Depress Me

it's hard to belong to you, when you waiver.
my hopes rise and die on your behavior.
the adjectives fail to describe you.

the soldiers around my heart surrendered
you took my white flag to sail away
another lover torn asunder
one more tale for you to tell

drums beating
ears ringing
a cold wind whistling
my breathing visible
the air falling
my heart breaking
guns, guns, guns

it's why i don't cry anymore
your betrayal conquered my soul
my faith in humanity died with yours
the verbs aren't enought to finish you

the bars around my being are absolute
i literally too your heart as my possession
another lover torn apart
one more headstone to pass in the park

Chasing Love

You make me feel convenient and insignificant.
If it wasn’t me you were talking to right now, you’d just find someone else.
I don’t soothe your soul.
I am a boost to your ego.
The longer I play this game the more it hurts me.
The damages are racking up.
Soon, I will not be able to pay the bill.
Then what will I be able to give you?

Your words are unintended, thoughtless, and careless.
I gather them up and store them in my head.
I pick them apart, knowing, you don’t realize what you said.
It’s the off handed remarks that truly reveal how you feel about me.
And the news isn’t good.

I am a toy.
I am a sexual distraction.
You try to compliment me, but it makes me feel worse.
I don’t see how I can leave you unscathed at this point.
Your eyes will never see that I can be what you need.
I will never fill the void she left inside of you.

You tell me not to try.
You tell me it’s not like I think.
That we are okay just the way it is.
So why am I craving so much more?

I try to make it about sex.
I am working hard to become detached.
I try to tune out my sub-conscience.
But you won’t take what I want to give,
And you won’t feed me what I crave.
This impasse will be the death of us.
And I have to laugh, because according to you, there is no us to die.

I am overstepping my boundaries.
I am overstaying my welcome.
And if I push to the point you break,
You will push back until I cave.
You are the stronger personality.

I am weak. I am wrong.
I am the first one to walk.
I don’t want to tell you how I feel anymore.
I don’t want to get tied up in your words.
I am not confused.
I am not angry.
I am disappointed in me and in you.

Fire dances around us.
The moon is full and bright.
The signs tell us we could be strong.
I could be the one to love you forever and always.
Beloved and adored, I could be yours.
I know why you don’t want me.
I blame my lack of good timing.
I am always chasing after love, but it never chases me.
No one ever chases me.

Death is Black

sadness creeps into my soul
as the cold chills my bones.
life swirls around me
in colors of the christmas season.
they sparkle and shine
but all i feel is remorse.

the past dangles regrets in front of me.
i begin to get tangled up
in daydreams of what could have beens.
the ghosts dance circles in my mind.
they softly chime,
come join us, this is the time.

death is black.
and birth is pink.
in the middle of them i've lost perspective.
i'm the one that is forgetting.
i'm the one that can't let go.
my shoulders ache from this load.
how many more years must i suffer
the pain of another christmas without you?

What I Wanted

right now with snow on the ground,
i'm wondering if you miss me.
happiness is as fleeting as these snow flurries.
and i'm afraid your affections will cool.
now that i've tasted you,
i fear no other man will be as good.

i think about you with every breath.
i try to relax. i know you're hurt.
but i count down the minutes
until i can feel your warmth.
you're all the man i need.
and you're the man i've always wanted.

right now with the heat cranked up to 80,
i'm wondering if you love me.
lonliness is anxiously waiting for you to leave,
but i don't ever want to be without you.
now that i've held you,
i fear no other man will do.

i dream about you every night.
i try to be cool. i know you're easy to spook.
but i'm like a kid on christmas eve,
i can't wait to wake up to see you the next morning,
but i'm too excited to sleep.
you're all the man i need.
and you're the man i've always wanted.

Christmas be good to me.
Santa bring me his love.
and it'll be the gift that never fades.
He's all the man I need.
and He's the man I've always wanted.

A Badly Written Sonnet For You

Dearest friend of mine, I wrestle with my heart.
My thoughts have become entwined with yours.
The closer we become the more I fear we'll fall apart.
You've snuck through all my defenses to my core.

Alone, I struggled in the world for so long.
My hopes had faded until sorrow ruled.
But you found me here, like a song,
I began to feel chords long subdued.

Your smile and laughter are music to my soul.
Just as I had forgotten how to love,
Your honest words filled my emotional holes.
Crazy as it sound, you fit me like a glove.

My beloved man, take me by my hand.
Together, we click, certain to never disband.

Crumbs

crumbs on my sweater make me laugh.
age hasn't made me any neater.
i'm clumsy and weak.
you'd never believe all of my stories.
the times i have just fallen over
or the black eye i got from a carton of ice cream.

i'm packing up my emotional baggage
it's going on vacation.
somewhere nice, so it can relax.
it's been burned out for a long time.
i'm gonna miss it, but not the bitterness that went with it.

crumbs on the desk make me smile.
i'm always making a mess.
i'm content and fat.
you'd never guess i'm germ-a-phobic.
the way i avoid public restrooms
and won't eat at a buffet.

i'm discarding my mental defects.
they're going to retire.
somewhere far away from here,
so they can't come back to haunt me.
i'm not gonna worry about them anymore.

crumbs all over the place.
it's just who i am.
so much more then how i eat.
i need to give myself a break.
i need to leave crumbs,
so i can always find my way back.

The Hospital

another 4 hours i won't get back
sitting on a gurney with a cold back
another medical scare
i am getting sick of these
i'm starting to not care

needles in my arm
veins missed and bruises formed
legs scanned for blood clots
it's just the pill
but i'm fat and old
so too much can go wrong

i didn't want to say anything
i'd rather just die
but i'm scared to die
so i do as i'm told
but it's all okay
just more money thrown away

i'm not sick
i'm not sick
i'm not ill
i'm not ill
i'm not diseased
i'm not diseased

please just leave me be.
i'm tired and alone.
i'm my own worse enemy.
i feed off concern and sympathy.
i don't want to die,
but i'm not alive.

God help me let go of this negativity.
my feelings are my only handicap.
cleanse me of my impurities
let me see how blessed life can be.
no more hospitals for me.

he makes me happy

he makes me happy
he makes me feel naughty
the chemistry between us is electric
but he's not mine to keep
and i fear one day he'll make me weep.

i'm working on enjoying the moment.
the way he hugs me
like he never wants to let me go
how he smiles when i laugh
the feeling of his heartbeat under my hand

little things about him keep me amazed
he's like no other man i've ever been with
i don't want it to ever end
but the gloomy part of me knows it will

he makes me happy
he has a hold over me
the days i am with him are the best ones yet
but he's not mine to love
and i fear one day he'll move on

3 Kisses

slowness grows upon my bones
reverse osmosis stalls my degradation
on top of the mountain i made from a dirty clothes pile
i am queen of everything i own
which is mostly the cheapest things i can buy
one kiss from you undid all i knew

yellow dr. pepper caps scattered on my desktop
they wait to unlock a prize for me
this is all i used to have to look forward to
two kisses from you raised my expectations

tv was my social calendar
i scheduled my life around the make believe world
thinking i have no need for more
i can live alone
i am my own best friend
three kisses from you showed me that's not true
i need you!

This

i don't care at all
if you still love her
cuz it's me you hold
my hopes are higher
then a 60's hippie trippin
all i ask is this
no lies
no secrets and
no promises you can't keep

tell me your worries
share your fears with me
i want to be your confidant
my heart beats your name
your voice brightens my day
all i want is this
no lies
no secrets and
no promises you won't keep

i can see us together,
old and happy
cuz we fit like 2 peas in a pod
you're the one that gets me
my lover and best friend
the one i can die with in the end
just give me this
no lies
no secrets and
no promises we can't keep

Ruin Me

you listen to me long enough so you can disagree.
you are sure that you are better then me at everything.
i'm getting tired of always being wrong with you.
maybe this isn't healthy for me anymore.

you tell me you'll ruin me.
i like to please and you like to tease.
i avoid confrontation and you like to be in my face.
there's no 1/2 way point to meet you at.

i listen to you talk about your passions.
i think i don't really care.
but the subject matter is the only thing i don't love.
you are frustrating as much as you are captivating.

you like to say you'll ruin me.
i can't stand up for myself so you'd run over me.
i offer to be brave and you lecture me to be me.
then you tell me to be assertive and if i am
you still don't want me, i can't win.

it hurts when you beat me down.
my feelings are letting me down.
i want to step away and quit you.
but i need to hear more about how passive i am.

what you say has more sway then you think
i want you to ruin me,
i think you should try.
i might surprise us both.
but you've already made up your mind.
you don't want to try and you never did.

After The Test

relief floods through me.
i am free.
i am clear.
my future opens up and
only I can hold me back.

truth is clearer when death is nearer.
fear distorts your vision.
doubt filters your hearing.
my insecurities tied me down.
now reality has direct access to me.

i am building a new world.
hope is abundant.
optimism is my fuel.
my smile leads the way.
no obstacles can stop me now.

after the test i found new zest.
dancing is fun.
laughing is good.
my mood is through the roof.
my old friend misery got kicked to the door.
no negativity is allowed anymore.

I have a Problem

Piled high on the table sit cook books.
All shapes and sizes abound.
There's cookies, cakes, and casseroles.
Modern tips and tricks, plus 70's citche.
I have to keep them all.

My mother's handwriting captured in a pickle relish recipe.
The curve of the o's, the slant of the l's.
It brings back memories of her smile.
I have a problem.
When I see a cook book I feel connected.

I collect them, but I don't cook often.
I have magazines and cards.
I have clippings, and little pieces of cardboard.
There's never enough.
85 total books and I want more.
The flea market has them for 2 bucks.
I'm told I need to stop, but I can't.

Just picking up a one with tons of pictures can cheer up my day.
It's one of the ways I spend a raining day.
It opens up my mind back to a time when my family would gather
around the kitchen table and fill the room with laughter.
I miss those days, so I open up a cook book to escape.
I don't see that as a problem.

Bolder

Fear sits on the back of my mind.
What linger's unknown in my near future unsettles me?
I feel bolder, like it's time to buck my terrors.
If now is all I have then I have no reason not to try.
And I am taking risks and rocking boats.
I'm jumping off cliffs and shaking off doubts.
This possibility of death's sudden kiss has me breaking free
from the fears that had chained me to how i thought it had to be.

I am laying it all out on the line.
I'm not holding back anything this time.
I am being bold and brave.
I am telling you I love you and not trying to save face.
There's no time left on the clock to hedge my bets.
If tomorrow doesn't come I want to know I said all I had to say today.

I do love you.
I do want you.
I want you here with me every day.
You say not to push.
If pushed you go in the opposite direction.
But you don't realize I have a new understanding of my life.
If I want something I need to try and make it mine.

I am bolder.
I am braver.
I am standing up for myself.
I don't know yet if I have a brain tumor,
but just the thought of it makes me throw caution to the wind.

If I'm going to die I want to know I lived.
I wish this had happened years ago.
I've spent too long wasting away in mothballs.
Fear has controlled me for far too long.
I am bolder now.

A Crooked Line is Drawn

life out of focus, i'm spinning out of control.
heartbroken and adrift, lost in a sea of misery.
a quirky beat mocking me on the air.
the taste of eucalyptus upon my tongue.
the feel of a bitterly frigid breeze against my exposed flesh.
unresponsive to outside stimulation,
i remove myself from my thoughts.
i don't want anyone to notice that i'm falling apart.

defenses compromised by your blue eyes.
breaking off into an unsettling happily ever after montage.
urging my mind into a dissociative event to slam the brakes.
dancing around the insanity of falling in love.
the circulation leaving my feet as they fall asleep.
muscles cramping up so intensely i want to weep.
i don't dare move from this uncomfortable chair
for fear you'll see the effect you have upon my soul.

expectations must be managed.
feelings need labeled, organized, and put away into their proper places.
messy isn't an option with your friendship.
the markers have been set.
we measured twice and you cut me once.
i'm now only 1/2 of the whole i once was.

summer's heat has faded into an autumn's dawn.
the blur of days leaves me breathless and dazed.
love is an illusion used to move cheesy merchandise.
emotional creatures are better off drowning in their tears.
but you are on to me and i love it when you are inside of me.
idiots are smarter then my heart.
take one of your axes and cut it out.

surround myself with onions since it's the garlic to your vamparic ability for my complete surrender.
chanting my new mantra, this won't hurt at all,
i start packing up my useless desires
another weekend in your presence to push back my fears.
followed by a Monday withdrawaling from my addiction to you.

the crooked line has ben drawn between your heart and mine.
it bends in your favor.
i'll repeat this brutal cycle, until you want it to stop
because i already realize you are calling all the shots.

Happy Place

i want to be the one you want the most.
but reality bites and i'm always your 2nd place.
i keep wishing for your feelings to shift my way,
but your heart is stubborn.
and i've been unable to point it my way.
time will heal the broken heart she gave to you,
but i worry the scar tissue will keep you from ever loving me.

i hate being selfish but i disagree with you.
you think she's your soul mate.
you believe the two of you fit perfectly together.
but baby, that ain't true.
if the two of you were meant to be,
how could she walk away from you?

she had a choice and she didn't choose you.
does that sound like true love to you?
especially, when i'd pick you every time!
i want to be the one that's always on your mind.
you catch yourself talking about her.
you stop yourself from comparing us.
in my opinion, you just met her first.

it's clear we could be an epic love affair.
your desire for me could spark a million fires.
but you can't let go of the idea of her.
this pedastool you've placed her on is too high for her to ever come down.
you say you love her flaws and all,
but i think time would prove you wrong.

the human condition is a disease we all suffer.
she's already the stupidest woman i've ever heard of,
because she doesn't want you.
i know i am biased, but i know i would treat you better.
only if you'd let me love you,
then i could show you what you truly deserve.

i'm trying to capture our lightning in a cracked bottle with no lid.
this only friends with benefits satisfies my hunger for your touch,
but my heart still starves.
i don't want to push you because i'm afraid i'll lose you.
devastation is layed down in ultimatiums.
i don't want to look back on us and see it was my impatience that chased you away.

patience has never been my forte,
but i've never felt this connected before so i'll bite my tongue
and swallow my pride and hope you eventually realize that even though you aren't where you wanted to be, you ended up in a happy place here with me.

Red Roses

i have my rose colored glasses on.
the world looks bright and new.
this hope for us springs eternal.
i'm excited about our future.
i'm so happy you're free now.
you can be with me now!

life is coming up red roses of love.
i'm dancing around like a fool.
this craziness is all about you.
love turns me into an optimistic tool.

i have my blue tinted glasses on.
my heart is heavy and my frown in place.
this worry for us brings me down.
i'm concerned about our future.
i'm so sad you can't let her go.
when you can be with me now!

life is coming up thorns on dead red roses of love.
i'm falling in love with you like a fool.
this craziness is all about you.
love turns me into a teary eyed pool.

i have ripped off my glasses.
i want to see this just as it is.
this idea of us need a practical spin.
the future remains up in the air.
i'm wanting more then you can give.
you aren't ready to be with me now!

life hasn't come around with any red roses of love at all.
i'm being a fool.
thinking you could so easily move on from her.
love made me totally uncool.

Perfect Song

feelings just out of my reach
words offer no escape
i remember the love we made
it separates us from the world
when there's no distance
between our flesh
that's when it all makes sense

our conversations floating in the air
a billion light years away they'll be heard again someday
i take comfort in your voice
even when it says things i don't want to hear
the chords you strike in me
make the most beautiful melody

thoughts i can't focus
dreams bring me no relief
i like to recall the way you same my name
when i'm the reason you smile
and i am the cause behind your laugh
that's when i know it'll all be okay

our moments of connection inspire me
these poems i write last longer then you and me
i enjoy your touch
even when i can't feel it every day
the way you make me moan
makes the most perfect song

Dark Thoughts

I know what you're thinking.
I see it in your eyes.
She's on your mind every time you stare into space.
You're thinking about her taking my place.
When you go quiet suddenly she's got your tongue.
I hear her voice loud and clear.
I swear your silence says it all.
You've fallen in love and I'm out in the cold.

These dark thoughts are taking hold of me.
Sunny skies can't chase away this blackness swallowing my heart.
These dark thoughts are leading me to my destruction.
Hey, where'd I get that gun?
How'd you get on the floor?
These dark thoughts are dripping in blood.
in deep crimson sin, I found you with her,
and I came undone.
I went over and over and over the scene in my head;
Until the dark thoughts consumed me, now it's done.

I'm not as dumb as you thought I was.
I caught on quicker then you expected.
The receipts you left around the house.
The credit card bills for gifts I never got.
The hotel matchbooks for places I've never been.
The way you'd start a fight just so you could leave.
It all adds up, you've got someone new and I can't bear it.

These dark thoughts won't leave me be.
All I can see is pain and agony.
The darkness swallows me.
I want to cause you pain.
I feel rage in every part of me.
The dark thoughts seem right to me.
What was good now is bad.
What was right now is wrong.
Hey, How'd I get that gun?
How'd you get on the floor?
These dark thoughts are dripping in blood.
The velvet black of my soul wrapped this up with a crimson bow.

I don't know who you are any more.
You shut me out and let her in.
She did this to you.
Not me, I am the victim here.
In my mind it is crystal clear, it is all her fault.
She had to pay and only dark thoughts can make you see it my way.
So look inside my betrayed heart and hear the voices in my head
as they whisper, he won't hurt us ever again!

Shrink Wrapped

i keep making promises to myself.
i keep breaking promises to myself.
no one fucks me over better then i do.
my self-esteem's run out.
i'm powerless and full of doubts.
i have dark circles under my eyes.
i feel my life has been paused with a too be continued sign,
but got cancelled before the next season could begin.

the aftertaste of failure is bitter.
my stomach clenches and knots.
since when have i been this confused.
the endlessness of time stretches cruelly before me.
there's no hope out there for me.

my skin itches and feels chapped.
i look like i've been shrink wrapped.
all my feelings are pre-shrunk and vacuum packed.
i never did see anything in the mirror that i thought looked like me.
but it never changes, the image just grows fainter.
i project sloppy and disheveled, sweaty and unclean.
i just showered, but that's just how it is.
my body has never agreed with me.

i thought being clever and smart with a knack for kissing up would be enough to get me by in the world.
but i keep going backwards.
i do everything wrong.
i lack social graces and make funny faces.
this hinders my rise to be more then the bottom rung of life.
i know now how the gerbil running on the plastic wheel feels.
if it wasn't so damn sad i'd laugh at myself.

i've been working hard for so long that i've forgotten what i'm working for.
money won't heal my wounds.
i got some salt.
would you like to rub it in?
i'll juggle some eggs and you can hackle me as they hit me in the face.
these days i'm lucky to get out of bed.
i just want to lie perfectly still.
if i don't move maybe my demons will leave.

i can't let life keep beating me down with my own bat.
but i'm a cornered rat.
the cheese looks so good.
i have no will power.
feed me negativity.
my misery sops it up like a sponge.
oh God, i'm leaving, can you send me some directions to hell.
oh, wait, i'm already there, gee, that's swell.

toss away my shackles.
raise up on my feet to take a peek of who i thought i should be.
i wave to her, but she looks at me with disdain.
even i don't love me; not surprised, there's not much to me.
i'm so boring.
i bet you are nodding off by now.
the silence is so loud.
i cover my ears before it deafens me.

i hear sing song voices in my head.
they taunt me and tell me i'll never be good enough.
no man will ever love me.
i'll be in the closet, hiding, hoping no one finds out.
i've lost my mind.
i've lost my heart.
if i had a soul it took off long ago.
i could ramble for another 10 stanza's, but i'd just repeat what we already know.
every thing i've ever written has been wrote before.

October Knows

I'm losing track of time.
I look out the window and watch a day fade from blue to black.
Leaves are changing colors and falling to the ground.
The throes of death are all around me.
Winter will be colder without you around.

Natural selection has left me standing alone.
If only I had a blue print, I'd cut myself out to your specifications.
But life isn't custom made and I'm not like that.
I say what I think before I stop to edit.
You always yelled at me for that.

Last week seems like this week just the numbers have changed.
I cross out the days on the calendar with no emotion.
I go back to bed in the middle of the day.
I want to feel again, but I've forgotten how.
The happiness has left me.

Fate is something others believe in.
I believe you are always at the crossroads.
And I'm getting some bad directions.
Every choice I make leads me the wrong way.
Who can I trust when I don't trust myself?

This isn't about what I should've done or what I didn't do.
I am looking into the future, but it's too dark to see anything.
I'm scared.
So I'll settle down into another empty night and pray it'll be alright.

Drug of Choice

The stillness in the air.
The cold air funneling through my lungs.
The feelings hanging in limbo.
Altogether, it makes me want to disappear.

I heat up a can of soup.
I look around my apartment.
I miss your presence.
Life didn't seem empty until after you were here.

I take my day in small doses.
I want to drive fast, lie in bed and call you.
My whole being quivers with anticipation.
The sound of your voice has become my drug of choice.

The gray ominous sky.
The smell of moisture in the air.
The feeling of something unrealized.
Altogether, I just want to jump to the end.

I check my messages.
There is nothing from you.
I wish you missed me, like I miss you.
I didn't know I wasn't living until after I lived with you.

I can't say no to you.
I'm different with you.
My brain switches gears for you.
Your opinions have become my drug of choice.

The mellowness of a broken hearted song.
The dying leaves falling to the ground.
The feeling of the unknown.
Altogether, I wish I knew where this is going.

I flutter around doing busy work.
Counting down the minutes to you.
Your face dances continuously on my mind.
The colors have been clearer since I saw you.

I'm scared you will go away.
My fear keeps me silent.
I worry I'm not good enough for you.
You're approval has become my drug of choice.

The dullness of the office fluroscent lights.
The quiet of a slow work day.
The feeling that all of it doesn't matter.
Altogether, I'd rather be with you.

I wait for your obligations to free you.
I think about you incessantly.
I am detached from my day, because you are my nights.
And I can't recall before you were in my life.

I gather up your words to save for a bad day.
These precious moments are making me want more.
I have gone past the point of no return.
Your love is now my drug of choice.

My Green T-Shirt

I have you in the pocket of my green t-shirt.
You have my heart in your fist.
I don't think we're even.
You are driving hours away and
I'm just sitting her wondering if you feel the same.

It hurts that you don't love me.
I want to keep you, but you won't let me.
I want to be your only one, but you prefer another one.
I told you I wasn't confused and I'm not.
I am in love with you.
I couldn't be more clear about how I feel.

I have your smell on my sheets.
You have my soul wrapped around your fingers.
I don't think you even know.
You will go back to your daily routine.
I am going back to feeling empty.

It kills me you don't want to hear how I feel.
I want to hug you close, but your allergic to my cat.
I want you to stay, but you can't breathe.
I want you to know how much I love you.
I am willing to ship the cat away to be with you.
I couldn 't be more sincere about how I feel.

I have your taste on my lips.
You have my body twisted up in a knot.
I don't think you care.
You want to walk away free of strings.
I told you there are always strings you can't see.

New Directions

I'm your desire.
I stroke your inner fires.
I'm enthralled by your touch.
And you can't resist me.
We are going down the wrong way,
On a one way street.
This will end badly, it always does.
If I could be strong I'd walk away,
But you know my will power has atrophied.

He walked in and blew me away.
I stand here in shocked disbelief.
The years I spent hiding away you just
ripped right through all my paper thin exuses.
Now I'm exposed for the fearful neurotic mess I've become.

I'm turning down paths unknown.
I'm steering my own destiny instead of sitting in the backseat of my life.
Time never stops and I have to embrace the now.
I don't want to waste what I preceive as my last chance to dance with happiness.
If I was logical about this I'd run away, but I know I've been swept away by your kisses.

He says words that speak to my soul.
I sit here amazed by him.
The hours I've spent talking to him have shown me more truth then a 1,000 sins.
Now I'm feeling emotions I hadn't felt since I was a kid.

The map has changed my course.
I was heading south, but my heart has turned west towards you.
This new direction to you is beautiful to me.
You're breaking me down to help me find out who I am.
You are becoming my true north.
No lies.
No secrets.
No promises we can't keep.

He is setting me free.
And I want to be the woman he see somewhere inside of me.
I want to never leave his gaze.
I will strip down before him and stand tall.
Letting him prove to me how beautiful I am to him.

He walked in and blew me away.

Be with You

Bring me closer to heaven.
Reach beyond all my defenses.
Exceed all my expectations.
Tell me what pleasures you in the dark.

You reintroduced me to ecstasy.
Your enthusiasm for my touch
Keeps me coming back for more.
I don't know where this is going,
And for once I don't care.
As long as I get to be with you.

Believe me when I say I need you.
Respond to me when I kiss you.
Elavate me up above the clouds.
Taste me deep inside.

You awakened my dorment desires.
Your tongue against my flesh drives me wild.
Caresses and kisses are never enough.
I don't know if this will last,
And for once I don't care.
As long as I get to be with you.

Irony

oh, what am I going to do?
i am falling in love with you.
my stomach is knotting up.
my head is spinning from
all these thoughts of you;
but it's complicated.
i know you don't feel the same.
i'm your friend.
oh, what am I going to do?

you are perfect for me.
it's unfortunate you love her
and you aren't in love with me.
our conversations are the highlight of my day.
the friend in me wants you to be happy
with whomever that might be,
but my heart is selfish and wants you
all to myself.

i tell you i hope it works
between the 2 of you,
but my heart screams
please let her dump him!
i feel bad but good when he says
he's afraid it's over with her.
my smile is fixed.
my supportive words rehearsed.
i'll be a good friend,
just to keep hearing your voice.

oh, what am i going to do?
i am falling in love with you.
please screw it up somehow,
please let me find a fatal flaw.
please let me be turned off by him,
instead i want to ravage him.
if there's any balance or sense
of fairness in the universe
let him fall in love with me.
oh, what am i going to do

On the Way

He's on the way.
The stage is set.
I am prepped,
Ready and willing to
welcome him on my set.

Anticipation building,
Anxiety turning my stomach,
Butterflies circling,
Breathe, Breathe, Breathe.

He's on the way.
I can't wait
to hold him in my arms.
To kiss his lips.
To feel his touch.

Excitement doesn't cover it.
I feel like i'm floating.
I want time to speed up.
Breathe, Breathe, Breathe.

i have nothing

i have nothing to say to you.
i have nothing to give you.
i have nothing to fear.
i have nothing i want from you.

be subtle, yet be true,
all of what we are rests inside of you.
i look within myself to fullfill
the needs i once expected from you.

i have nothing but happy thoughts of you.
i have nothing but good wishes for you.
i have nothing but open arms for you.
i have nothing you would want.

be gentle, yet be honest,
all of the chaos has past us now.
i have set aside the hurt
the anger i once had for you is gone.

i have nothing but forgivness in my heart for us.

Loser

do you think i'm a loser,
cuz i can't give you everything?
do you think i'm defective,
cuz i can't satisfy all of your needs?

you got me dancin' to your tune.
you keep pullin' on my strings.
my world revolves around you.
i hold my breath every time you breathe.

chargin' up for our next encounter,
readin' up on your horoscope,
got all your bases covered.
gonna impress you with how deep my feelings go.
gonna show you how much i know.
ain't ever gonna let you go.

veritgo, spinnin', never get a grip.
i ain't ever winnin' this battle we in.
you love me then you don't.
you want me then you don't.
how am i supposed to know if it's an up day or a downer?

you got me hangin' on your every word.
you go me followin' your every move.
my life is built all around you.
my heart only beats cuz you breathe.

do you think i'm a loser,
cuz i can't buy you pretty things?
do you think i'm defective,
cuz i can't fulfill your dreams?

Hubris

am i so evolved as to be beyond pride
or is it a sin to want to be free of sin?
i am stumbling through my life.
i fall repeatedly for the same lover.
only his face and name keep changing.
i scratch beyond his facade;
and every time it's the same foundation
i've built my heart upon.

i'm conceited to think that you think i'm beautiful.
i'm overshooting my target and
landing in a mess that i've cleaned up before.
whenever i fill up on hubris,
i come tumbling back down to earth.

i have bruises still blacker then blue
showing on my soul.
i've been licking these wounds for quite awhile.
i've retreated behind the door of my straw house.
you're taking a deep breath;
i know one touch from you can blow me down.

i'm arrogant to think that you think you can't live without me.
i've gone down this road before enough to know
that's it's full of unexpected twist and turns.
whenever i puff up with hubris,
i come crashing back down to earth.

i'd be stupider then i already am to let
myself fall in love with you.
but temptation strikes every time you smile at me.
and i feel the wind leaving my independent sails.
this lonliness is trumping my pride;
i want to reach out and hold you until i die.

Self-Inflicted

my heartbreaks are self-inflicted.
i fall in love with the impossible.
i comply to appease,
then i supress contrary emotions.
until i erupt, like an emotionally
charged cussing volcano.

people think i'm happy this way.
i've just been burned one too many times.
i don't want to hurt anyone,
and i don't want to get hurt anymore.
so, i put myself in isolation.
my lonliness is self-inflicted
to protect myself from pain.

you'd think these realizations
would enable me to be a better person.
but my misery is self-inflicted.
logically, it all makes sense,
but the angsty teen in me refuses to believe
that love can end happily.

just once i'd like to break away
from my self-inflicted sadness.
and punish myself with some happiness.
but fear keeps a strict house
and i am her willing prisoner.
to be alone is to be calm.
to be calm is to find peace.
i need the peace to keep the pieces of
my shattered heart together.

Looking Back

looking back over the shoulder of time,
i remember when you were mine.
all the innocence in your kisses,
was all i needed to know i wanted to be your misses.

the marching band of time only moves forward,
we were silly to think we could keep our love as a reward.
years erased the taste of your tongue on mine,
but i still long for our last summer time.

memories run around the corridors of my mind,
your laughter, my tears, all of our fears on rewind.
we didn't know any better,
the folly of our youth made a good lifetime movie.

the parental units were wise,
they held back their discontented cries.
they let us burn out instead of fading away,
the only most passionate of loves end that way.

In The Dark

in the dark i sit to gather my thoughts.
what was today?
and what did it mean to me?
the aching shoulder
or the throbbing knee,
which one will be the death of me?

in the dark i lay waiting for sleep.
what will tomorrow bring?
and how will it impact me?
the pills taken
or the alcohol drank,
which one of these will be the end of me?

in the dark i fret about my life.
where am i going?
and when will i get there?
the mistakes i'm making
or the reckless actions i'm taking,
which one will be the destruction of me?

in the dark i hope for a better day.
why can't i get better?
and when will i get it right?
the men i've loved
or the loved ones i've lost,
which one will be what breaks me?

Memorial Day 2010

i read poems from time to time.
i like it when they rhyme.
i write poems sometimes
i try to make them rhyme.

there's a line i draw
between me and my heart.
you want to cross it.
i'm afraid that's not smart.

i like to watch from a distance.
i avoid up close and personal.
my mind outruns my wants.
these desire i have are impossible.

i limit my contact
so i don't get love sick.
i got innoculated
so your love won't stick.

i read poems sometimes.
i like that they aren't mine.
i write poems once in awhile.
i don't think they rhyme.

I Love...

i love a good song that speaks to my soul.
i love a cold dr. pepper on a hot day.
i love the smell of the air after a hard rain.
i love the feel of the heat of the dog when she's curled up on my lap.

i love a poem that captures a feeling of mine.
i love a movie that makes me laugh and cry.
i love drinking a cold glass of milk just before bed.
i love a sweet dream that lingers long after i've awoken.

i love a gloomy sky when it matches my mood.
i love the first snow flakes of winter's doom.
i love the softness of my daughter's hair.
i love laughing so hard i pee my pants.

i love the subtleness of your smile.
i love the way you drive me insane
i love the sound of your voice.
i love these days with you.

I fuck it up every time

could have loved ya better
could have held you longer
could have said i was sorry
yeah, i could have lied
but i fuck it up every time

i told you about him
and i did it mercilessly
my temper gets the best of me
but the moment you cried
those tears fell from your eyes
i saw what i could have done

could have held back
could have bit my tongue
could have walked away
yeah, i could have waited another day
but i fuck up every one i touch

i said the most hurtful words i know
spewing hate with every breath
i really let you see me at my worst
but the moment you threw your hands up
and your legs walked you out the door
i knew what i could have done

could have tried harder
could have been more sincere
could have apologized
but i can't because i'm full of fear
living my life with every thing
i could have done to keep you here
knowing i fucked it up for the last time with you.

control freak

let go, i dare you.
let someone else take control.
bite your lip;
hold your tongue;
learn to delegate once in awhile.

you complain of being tired.
you are sick of being worn out.
you bitch about being overworked,
but you do it to yourself.

you step right in and take over.
no one asked you too.
you lord over it like you own it.
then complain that no one stopped you.

you are like a tank.
you just run over every one.
i feel sorry for you.
sit back and just relax.
you work hard, yes.
but sometimes you need to let it go.

i got it.
i had it.
i was working on it.
but not up to your speed.
not under your thumb.
so you took it and ran.
now it's a bigger mess then it needs to be.

the control freak is running amok.
taking it all and throwing out nuts.
he can't step back and be objective.
he thinks he knows it all
and therefore must be in charge.

but i'm okay.
i can let it go.
i just hope you learn too
before your heart gives out on you.

My Mask

let me put on my mask.
the one to hide how i feel.
my eyes will not betray
the saddness i live everyday.

walk away, i don't want to talk.
i can't say what you want to hear.
i'm no superhero for you to worship.
my mask's only power is to disguise my pain.

take another shot, i can take it.
i play tough and i can fake my way through
any emotion you want me to have.
just don't ask me why.

this mask will only tell lies.
i'll say that i am happy.
i will tell you that i care.
but all i want is to disappear.

let me put on my mask.
the one i use to hide how i feel.
i'll stand up straight.
i'll look you in the eye;
as long as have my mask on i can lie, lie, lie.

i'm saving you so much trouble.
my locking away all my anger.
my drowning out my sorrows with loud
phoney laughter and painted on smiles.

there's no need for both of us to feel the anguish of
the unfulfilled dreams and broken hearts.
i never leave home without my mask on my face.

Dance in the Ashes of Me

it all comes rushing in on me
my insecurities, my self-hate,
i forget sometimes who i am,
but then the bad thoughts circle around again.
they're never far from the surface.
lying in wait for a second of quiet,
to pop any calm i've obtained.
and then they dance in my pain.

dance in my misery.
dance on the ruins of my dreams.
dance with disappointment.
dance around with glee
reveling in the ashes of me.

i hear strange voices over the air.
they say mean things to me.
enjoying the barbs and taunts,
my hope for a minute of peace
is shattered so i dance in my pain.

dance above my dashed hopes.
dance around my low self-esteem.
dance in the darkness of my soul.
dance around with glee.
dance in the ashes of me.

i've lost it.
there's too many people around me
to be cleaning out my closet.
i slam the door on the shadows,
pushing away recovery's hope,
jumping down the slippery slope.
and you jump up in glee,
because you can keep dancing in the ashes of me.

Lost to Me

i'm under constant surveillance.
that's not my paranoia speaking.
my sub-conscience is under duress.
it's so silent and peaceful
here in the darkness.

everything is out of control.
i make on list after another,
trying to put order to the chaos.
i'll never forget,
but i'm working on forgiveness.

i've been asking my mind to show
my heart some mercy.
i fear a mysterious death at the hands
of an unknown foe.
and all that'll be left behind by me,
will not be worth remembering.

my introspection came up empty.
my conscious unable to fill the smallest measuring cup.
my past is a compilation of confabulations
with nothing real to cling to
i fall further into dispair.

i'd build a mountain to climb
to prove i'm still alive, but
every night i put my dreams on rewind.
i disconnect from the disappointment of my reality.
i indulge in the delusion of happiness in my dreams.

my sickness masks my creator.
i have my own will and cannot submit to another.
i'm inauthentic in my thoughts,
arranging them to expedite my trip
through this finite and painful existence.
i fret my psychosis is all in my head.

the words won't come to me anymore.
i search the corners of my soul
for the inspiration i once knew,
but all is gone, lost to the holes
in my brain, lost to time, lost to me.

Cookie Cutter Girls

i'm looking back at who you say you are.
i see a long line of cookie gutter girls dangling from your arm.
you put their paper hearts up on your wall,
like a serial killer collecting trophies you've claimed their souls.
this half-hearted attempt at trying to win me over,
is exposing the emptiness inside of you.

you talk about how beautiful i am.
the way you love how the light in my eyes dances when i laugh.
you make hundreds of impossible promises,
like the words can't catch up to your lies.
it's not alright, the way you play with others scars.

your tearing all the ice off of my skin,
like you know how to make me remember what it's like to be alive again.
you missed my queues on how cold i really am.
you aren't going to be collecting kisses from my lips.
my soul is a ghost counting down the time,
until i get to leave all of this behind.

you talk about how perfect i am.
the way you love how my lips curve when i smile.
you make hundreds of impossible promises,
like the world can't catch you in any of your lies.
i won't let you snare me in your butterfly net.
it's not alright, the way you toy with others hearts.

come on, who are we kidding?
you don't really want me.
you want to pin my paper heart up on your wall.
but i'm so broken apart i keep the leftover pieces of me in a jar.
and you can't put me back together again.
remember, neither one of us is capable of love.
we both run around playing catch me if you can.
it's not alright, how we tease with others thoughts.

To Death

i'm bleeding to death from this hole in my heart.
i've hidden for so long behind being smart.
that when you dug into me, i didn't know how to start.
all my hurt poured out from my soul;
the flash flood of feelings swept you away
and i'm free but alone.

you shouldn't have asked me who i was,
if you didn't want to hear my answer.
you set out trying to conquer my mountain of emotional baggage,
but you ran away when you got near the top.
i'm not sure which of us is more full of fear.

this is a strange new place for me.
the talking and crying and opening myself up to you.
i even shut down when i went to therapy.
my walls have been built too high for anyone to climb over,
but you just blew them up from the bottom.
i didn't know i still had a soul.

i've been pouring holy water onto my battered belief system.
trying to heal scar tissue of old wounds.
i am held together by band aids, duct tape, staples and string.
there are little perfect patches of me tucked away from view.
i've unwrapped those tid bits of me to feed them to you,
but you just spit them back out to me because i don't taste
the way you thought i'd be.

i've become obsessed with what you mean to me.
you're my future, a family, a forturne in unrealized dreams.
i hang my whole world on your every action.
you think you know how to handle my affections,
like a hot potato, you never hold on long enough to get burned.
you tossed me off and moved on to the next conquest.
i have to laugh. my love for you set my heart free,
but now that same love is a prison for me.

no longer am i an open book for you to read at your leisure.
i am wrapped back up away from your selfish pleasures.
i face what remains of my corporeal existence in the absence of your love.
i embrace my ture home.
i suffer in the familiar comfort of silence.
my soul reclines next to my battered heart.
they could use a long break, loving you has been exhausting.
thank you for leaving me before i could love us both to death.

Edge of Thought

i think it is time to stop the lie.
i have you on the edge of my thoughts.
i want to push you off and move forward.
but my heart keeps you coming around.
i can't kill your memory and i want to think,
but all i do is feel.

and if i'm feeling then i'm not thinking.
i'm not being who i want, when your image
holds me down. i want to push you out of my mind.
but you stay on the edge, the edge of every thought,
is your lips on mine. i can't keep living like this.

it is time to toss you out.
rip up the pictures along with my soul.
scatter the pieces of happy along the road,
burning my love down until the embers don't glow.
i can't escape the bad and i can't remember the good.
so all i do is feel sad.

and if i'm feeling then i'm not thinking.
i'm not free to be with someone else,
if you are walking around my head.
your words keeping popping up and
i want to shove you off the ledge, but
you linger on along the edge of my thoughts.

i don't deserve the wounds you gave me.
i keep picking at the scabs,
opening them up again and again.
the blood won't wash from my hands.
the damage is unending, the thoughts won't leave me.
you took what you could carry,
including all that was good in me.
i loved you so hard i emptied my heart out.
why can't i kill these feelings for you?

and if i'm feeling then i'm not thinking.
no, i'm not thinking clearly.
i'm trapped by you and no matter how much
i suppress you, you stay right there on
the edge of my every thought.
it's almost enough to make me jump.

My Bed - A Love Story

this existence is wearing thin.
my hopes left me long ago.
every sun is swallowed by a dark cloud.
i've been dancing on my own grave.
i've been wishing on a blackhole for a reason,
some glimmer of a future, to not let go.

i embrace my sickness and its cold kiss.
it's the excuse i need to stay in bed all day.
bring on the pain, i need it to remind to breathe.
my skin is paper thin, the wind could do me in.
so i'll stay buried alive under the covers,
my favorite place in the world is my bed.

don't come any closer.
i won't listen to you.
nothing is everything for me.
i fed-ex'd my fears to dr. phil.
when i'm wrapped up in blankets,
when i lay my soul to rest,
that's when i'm truly blessed.

i put on white clothes,
but stains quickly turn them impure.
i decided to live when i sleep.
i'll eat what i want in my dreams.
the only lover i crave,
lulls me to sleep.

i have everything in arms reach.
cell phone, remote, water and music
a few steps to the bathroom
and when then i can be back in bed.
lazy i love.
crazy i am.
but dammit i love my bed!!!!

Hair

I sit here staring at the ground.
My hair hangs around my face.
My hair doesn't seem my own.
I tug on it and my body feels pain,
confirming that this hair is mine.
The same hair I see everyday in the mirror,
but the mirror lies to me.

Like the reverse of a harvest moon,
I see too little when I look in the mirror.
But as Uncle Jerry said, "God, You've gotten huge!"
These eyes of mine deceive me.
I feel as if I am the shadow of my former self.
I am projecting that image onto the mirror.
I've finally perfected my hair,
but the rest of me is in disrepair.

Happiness is advertised as the public's reflection of everyone else's opinion.
Aspiring to minimize your size and maximize your best features.
I have fallen into a state of denial.
I'm rejecting anything that threatens to polish me.
I see myself through hair covered eyes.
I am leaving societal conventions shattered on the ground,
in the reflection of the scattered shards of my broken mirror.
Egressing back to happier food filled days,
asking no question of why I am this way.
I'm vexing my own weaknesses until
I end on a note of uncomfortable acceptance I cease to care.

Secrets

i hold onto my little piece of information,
i bury it deep inside of my brain.
i can't risk it being said,
lives shatter when secrets are whispered in the wind.

you have no faith in the system.
you want to be free of the burden,
but you can't risk your freedom.
people leave you when secrets get exposed.

he tied a pretty bow around the truth.
he wanted to impress you with his sincerity.
he was minimizing the risk to his reputation,
but people talk when secrets get heard.

i opened my mouth; my lips parted.
the words flew out like a baby bird's first flight,
they plummeted towards the ground,
fluttering like crazy to fly,
but no matter how much you try
secrets tear down and destroy.
like a cat lying in wait to bounce,
your secrets have been served.

i bury the urge to speak.
i will not allow my conscience to leak.
i know the loss is too great.
my life would disappear because my secret repels.

trust is an illusion maintained when secrets keep
the harder you hid them the easier it gets
to tell the lies to keep what you have
secrets cannot escape my totalitarian control

truth is an overrated commodity
you can't appreciate what you've never had
to thrust a secret into someone's world
is like pushing a dagger deep into their chest.

forgiveness is merely a Van Gogh
discussed, analyzed, appreciated and highly valued
but rare and expensive to aquire
something you aspire to attain but die unfulfilled

i have thought about this secret for years
it haunts me day and night
it shadows every laugh and every smile
my secret makes me proceed with caution

i have a secret and i'm going to keep it
but it'll be easier once i'm dead
the secrets disappear with your breath
there will truly be heaven for me in death.

Inspired

I am sad.
The light burns too bright for me.
The birds sing too loudly for me.
My heart beats too strongly for me.
I run and hide.
I try to hide from the world.
I am sad.

I am glad.
The rain is pouring down on me.
The tears are flowing from my eyes freely.
My soul is searing in glorious pain.
I am feeling.
I try to embrace the emotional tidal wave.
I am glad.

I am mad.
The man is telling lies to me.
The fool inside wants me to believe.
My mind yells he's playing a trick on me.
I am screaming.
I tried to avoid this moment for weeks.
I am mad.

Inspired in a spiral of see-sawing emotional diseasters.
I am every emotion.
I am no emotions.
I am sad.
I am glad.
I am mad.
This up has no down, but to turn my life around.
Inspired I spiral out of control dancing with my remote control.

No Pressure

the deadline is approaching, the system is exploding.
there is no way you can meet the demands.
just watch as your waistline expands.
you hear the blah, blah, blah
come out the technical mouths attached to the logical heads
you see your hands fly across the keyboard to their commands.
there's no pressure, no pressure at all.
there's no pressure, no pressure at all.

the bills are due tomorrow and the cash is running out.
you just got paid but the bank account is negative.
the juggling act just isn't cutting it
all you have is never enough
but there's no pressure, no pressure at all.
there's no pressure, no pressure at all.

the doctor won't see you without your copay
the prescriptions can't be filled unless you pay
how can i feel any better if i can't take my pills
all this pressure that doesn't exist is killing me here.
but it's all in my head, this pressure i feel.
sinus' are causing the brain to swell, there's no anxiety
just an infection that i can't afford to get healed.
there's no pressure, no pressure at all
there's no pressure, nope, no pressure at all.

The Days I Waste

There are days where time moves so slowly I feel every second in a minute pass by.
If that is boredom, then I know it well.
The hours I've wasted staring up at the sky,
With my mind creating images and patterns where none exist.
The mind is an ego-centric being trying to impress
Upon the clouds its own designs.

I hear in the distance a dog barking and a bird singing.
I feel the sun warming my flesh.
I see the periwinkle sky dotted with the white wisps of clouds.
Yet I am thinking about the nothingness of it all.
The hollowness that is inside my soul processes no emotions.

I only know the world by its cold aethestics.
The subtle tones and varying shades of humanity are lost to me.
Another hour today is no different then an hour tomorrow.
I've burned out my emotional retinas.
My perception is tainted with the bitterness of heartbreak.

Rest In Peace - The United States of America

The oil is clogging up the sea.
The fish and sea critters have nowhere to go to be free.
The blackness covers them in darkness.
Every breathe brings them closer to death.
And the news says people are suffering.
They need the sea to eat.

The company tries to dodge the bullets of blame
Being shot from every direction.
They deflect the questions.
They use deception to alter perceptions.
They hope they can be pulled out of the slick,
And reaim the fire plume towards a scapegoat;
All to save a buck or two.

There's a slippery slope that we are sliding down.
Lies are being told as truth.
No one speaks with honesty.
Integrity is just another word in the dictionary.

We all have the programming to be better and
Thereby build a better world.
But only the fools pass into the offices.
Where the ghosts' of their consciences haunt them;
While they make their greedy demands.
Their little crickets have long been dead.
And only the words they say change to appease the wind of public opinion.

Power and money is the reason they run around
Like monkey's squeezed into hamster wheels.
Fear drives them to harden their hearts.
They amass their fortunes and sit atop their pyramids;
With the giant eye watching out for anyone who tries to
Take a bite out of their apple pie.

The oil spill is a symptom of a much deadlier disease.
We are electing our own demise.
I say let's start over.
Pack them up, Clean all the white houses on those hills out.
But I know change is an illusion.

To even want to be a politician,
Selfishness is the main requirement.
Love thyself leads the charge.
So don't be surprised to see more
More spills, diseasters, cover ups,
More busted budgets, broken promises, lost jobs,
More deserted houses, lies and foreclosed American dreams.

The skeleton of the constitution sits behind bullet proof glass,
Meaning nothing more then a history lesson that kids don't even want to learn.
No longer is it securing "Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our posterity"
Rest in Peace - The United States of America.

Out of Tune

You realize your heart and life have gotten out of tune.
You sit down to figure out what to do,
Where you are going,
And where you want to be.
How to find the path to set you free.
It's not as easy as it seems.
A whole lifetime could pass you by,
Before you see you aren't where you thought you'd be.

And that's when you declare,
I got to do it my way!
No more short cuts or compromises.
My way's got to find it.
You rearrange and make changes until you got it.
Doing what you should be and doing it your way.

You drive down the highway talking to yourself.
It's all so clear when you are by yourself.
But along comes the day and yourself gets lost.
You're too busy to apply all those ideas inside your mind.
You tell yourself there'll be time someday,
but you're kidding yourself

And one day it won't be enough
to declare enough is enough
it's got to be my way or no way
because the only way left is the light above your head.

God has Me on Mute

The TV ain't gonna save me and God has me on mute!
This road I've been driving on washed out right in front of me.
I can't see where to go. I have no GPS to know the way.
This world has me confused, but that's not hard to do.

I want a little piece of peace inside my mind.
I want a little bite of love inside my heart.
I want a little bit of happiness inside my soul.
What's it to want a little up when all I feel is down?

Bring me peace.
Bring me love.
Bring me happiness.
Bring me a reason to stay.

The dog really isn't God and I can't buy a cure when my money is all gone.
I tried to fly but I never left the ground.
When I ran I tripped. I drowned on my own blood.
I've gotten confused, but that's not hard to do.

Monochrome

I am monochromatic today.
From my boots to my roots,
I am a variety of beige.
My flesh and my underthings
All play off the same color today.

From sober and heavy,
To Light and airy,
Beige blends and transcends,
I'm draped in a monochromatic blend.
Sepia tones address
My blandest mood depresses.

The sky is dark.
The rain is clear.
And I am 10 types of brown.
From the bark of the trees
To the ground,
I've honed into this frequency
of a polychrome delinquency.

I am monochromatic today.
Hear my monotone voice.
Feel the calm of the dull.
Embrace the fawn inside.
And let your inner taupe define
Another boring day on the outside.

Gory Thoughts

I share my gory thoughts in muted shades of somber tones,
then giggle and smile, so they can't guess if I was really upset.
If they only knew how disturbed this girl gets.
I'm haunted by regrets.
The mistakes I make linger for years.
If you knew all about my tears would you want to save me?
Or hold me? Or give me your sympathy?
Or would you just stare; feeling weird;
Caught off guard because I showed you my deeper self?
I think you would do the latter because this is a superficial world.

I take pen to paper and let my feelings unfold.
This is my release. The cheapest of all therapies.
I bury the hurt. I kill the anger. I lighten my saddness.
Just to get by one more day. I have to survive.
When I get overwhelmed, I put the helm on auto-pilot.
I pull myself back into my shell. I've got my own personal hell.
It's backed by insults and disappointments, criticism and stoism too.
The fiery furnace of despair burns up my soul leaving me empty and barren.

Sometimes I don't feel anything anymore.
My empathy has gotten broken. I have to fake responses, like crying when someone dies. When I don't really care. My emotions have used up all their tokens.
I scare myself even when I realize how cold I am.
I'll never fall in love again. I'm like a robot going through the motions.
I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of the ocean. This isolation feels so real.
My head has conjured a vision of aloneness to keep me sane.
I know I've lost the game. The rules I've broken have broken me.
My heart's empty. I have no more passion to give. I wonder why I still live.

Lies surround me.
My walls of defense hold me up so when the urge to give up overcomes me;
my daughter's love will enfold me. It warms me up just enough to try another day.
If it wasn't for her I'd be already in the grave. Ashes and dust. Rotting flesh.
My child's hope, her faith, her needs eclipse my own lack of emotion.
She is my antidote to all the bad inside my head. She's my everything.

The Failure of Living

if someone has lower self-esteem then i do
and hates themselves as much as i do
when i'm lost in my deepest moments
of self-reflection then they probably aren't alive.

why does God hate me? i have failed at being a human being.
why do I hate myself? i am a failure at living.

i stare. nothing appeases me.
i glare. nothing looks good to me.
my eyes want to jump out of my skull
and find another face to look at every day in the mirror.
i squint. nothing escapes me.
i catalog every facial deformity.

why does God hate me? he made me so ugly.
why do you hate me? i am a failure at loving you.

eclipse. darkness and shadows are my friend.
lack of lighting, angles, and photoshop
help me pretend that even i can be pretty.
nip that. tuck this. suck some fat out.
and let the bruises fade until i have a better face then this.

why does God hate me? can i hate him back?
why do I have me? Can I ever love myself the way I am?

Flawed

I am merely human.
I am riddled with flaws.
Inside and out they leave their mark.
My nose is scarred.
My freckles unevenly placed.
The more I look in the mirror,
The more I see how flawed I am.

I am an emotional being.
I am a vortex of contradictory decisions.
I leave my mark everywhere.
I cry suddenly with no provacation.
I get angry, explode, then laugh it off 5 seconds later.
The more I explore my inner mind,
The more I find how flawed I am.

My flaws bring me down to the basic level of humility.
These flaws make up the whole of me.
Each little piece doesn't explain enough about me.
Without being flawed I wouldn't be me.
I hate my flaws.
I love my flaws.
My flaws are who I am.

Little Heart of Mine

Little heart of mine, what am I gonna do about you?
You keep jumping into love without thinking first.
Every time you get broken you blame it on me.
Little heart of mine, I want to rip you out of me,
I want you to remember this pain.

Little heart of mine, please have mercy on me.
He says he loves us, but I don't believe him.
Can we pull back and take a break from this ride?
Little heart of mine, I'd like to throw you away
So I won't have to feel this pain.

Little heart of mine, I know you're hungry.
You desire the fire of love to feel alive.
I get tired of crying when we get burned.
Little heart of mine, can we make a truce?
And both of us can get relief from this pain.

Please little heart of mine,
I'm asking you oh so nicely;
I saw his smile too.
Oh, little heart of mine, what am I gonna do about you?

Fade to Black

You turn me inside out.
You fill me full of doubt.
You are the reason I can't make it out of bed.
I got to get you out of my head.

I see the sky.
I see the clouds rolling by.
I see you.
The thunder cracks and my whole life fades to black.

You tell me secrets to keep.
You love me until I weep.
You built me to be the woman you love,
But I don't love me.
How can that be?

I can see the sky.
I can see the clouds rolling by.
I see you.
The lightening strikes and my whole life fades to black.

You always have the answers.
You know me better then I know myself.
You order for me.
You dress me.
You tell me what I need.
But I want out before I fade to black
And there'd be no me to come back.

Depression Confession

I must confess I'm too damn depressed.
I want to be alone.
I don't care that you don't like it.
I can't hear myself think.
I just want to sleep.
Go Away!

Let me wallow in my misery.
Let me cling to my self-pity.
I got too much shit dragging me down.
I don't want you around.
I'm too damn depressed for company right now.

I swear you have to leave.
I won't be responsible for what you see.
I'm breaking down.
Every mistake and all my regrets have me cornered.
All the feelings I've supressed have taken over.

I confess I'm too damn depressed.
I'm no good to you.
You need to go.
I have to be alone.
My depression confession is a full blown tear driven storm.

I'm too damn depressed for you.
I want to be left alone.
Just me and my fear and
All the pictures from past happy years.

Smiley Face

I'm stepping outside of the lines.
I'm taking a chance and rolling the dice.
God don't let me die!

Disappointment is my second skin.
I stare at myself in the window pane.
My life's work left undone.
I burned out my retna's watching you shine.

Keep smiling until it hurts.
Keep smiling until it bleeds.
I wear a smiley face.
It keeps me in my place.
I watch what I say,
So my words won't get thrown back in my face.
I'm not happy,
But I can't erase my smiley face.

Jealousy is green and
Depression is blue.
Anger is red and
Loving you is suicide black.

You advertise yourself larger then life.
But the actual size is a surprise.
I misread the directions.
And I poisoned myself with all your lies.

Keep smiling until it hurts.
Keep smiling until it bleeds.
I wear a smiley face.
It keeps me in my place.
I watch what I say,
So my words won't get thrown back in my face.
I'm not happy,
But I can't erase my smiley face.

I've bent over backwards to kiss your ass.
I handed you my love in a Russian glass.
I looked up to the stars hoping to catch a glimpse of you.
All I got was a sore neck.
I guess I should've expected that.

No you can't be replaced.
And I live with this disgrace.
But at least I'm still wearing my smiley face.

Monkey on My Back

I carry you around, a literal monkey on my back.
I carry you in my veins, a dna programmed heart attack.
I see you around my throat strangling me.
My crusty elbows and swollen ankles feel your weight too.

But no more! Today I begin a journey to be free of you.
The here is now. My turn has come.

I hum a victory tune because I have conquered you.
I throw away the memories.
I'll rebuild my self-esteem one lover's caresse at a time.
No more are you mine.

I hold my head up higher then the mountain tops.
I hold my spirit above your hateful presence.
I can see my future in a better light without our constant fights.

I'm finally free of you.
The here is now. My turn has come.

I do a little dance of happiness because I've banished you.
I tossed out your negativity.
I've found my voice again.
One day at a time I'll rejoice.
No more are you mine.

I packed up the monkey on my back and I'm never going back.
My body is shedding your image.
I'm getting closer to who I see in my head as me.

Now let's hum and dance until we collapse
because you aren't mine anymore.

When I was 14

When I was 14 they locked my mother away in a hospital's padded room.
Where they wouldn't let her come home.
I would visit her with my Dad totally embarrassed,
a little but sad and a little bit mad.
I can't recall how long she stayed.
It seemed like forever but it could've been a couple of days.

I'd sit in the long lonely hallway and think why i'd been so bad
that they too her away. I'm sorry but shd had to stay. She went crazy.
Everybody goes crazy. Everybody loses touch with reality. She saw ducks
in tin hats and pirates dropping down out of the ceiling.
Who hasn't when you take way too much medicine?
We all lose our minds. I'm sure someday I'm gonna lose mine.

When I was 10 she got sick and the doctors prescribed cure alls
that ended up killing her 13 years later.
My whole life changed the day she was taken away to God.
I knew then she could never come back to me.
I know hospitals well, their smell, antiseptic death.
I was in so many, so often, for too many years in a row.
The scars run deep as my paranoia that I'm on the same road.
And it's just a matter of time before they take me away too.

Time is playing tricks on me. As I get older I remember the silliest
things. How her eyes were like glass. How she looked in her hospital gown.
Sometimes I dream it all over like the day hasn't passed. And I'm back
in that moment, sitting in that long lonely hallway and that crazy old
man is trying to escape again. The girl who fried her brain on PCP calls me
Mary. And Mom has to stay. She has to stay until the medicine doesn't make
her crazy anymore. Yes, I worry one day it'll be my daughter sitting in that
long lonely hallway waiting for me but I have to stay.

Poison in The Air

The harder I cling to life
The slippery the slope becomes.
I'm never safe.
Not at home.
Not in bed.
I fall closer to hell with
Every breath I take.

The air is poison.
The sky is smothering me.
I hear noises when nothing's there.
My imagination works against me.
I'll never be a legend.

I'll be forgotten as soon as I'm gone.
Just rotting away in the ground.

Cut Myself and Bleed

Why don't you bring me flowers?
I beg and plead.
I'm willing to cut myself and bleed,
just to see an emotion cross your face.

Good love is hard to find.
It's been hard to find someone to
Understand my twisted mind.
The only one I tried to love forever
Can't wait to leave.
All I wanted was some flowers.

I'm a mess.
I'm crazy.
I'm hard to get.
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, I get it.
We've been through all this before.
You never care when you're getting some.
It's all the other minutes in the day you can't handle me.

I sense your shut down.
Your walls are strong.
I'm so tired of trying to climb over them.
I want to tear you down,
Make you feel unworthy like you do to me..

I want you to want flowers.
I want you to beg and plead.
I want you to be willing to cut and bleed,
just to get me to show you an emotion.
I want you to love me.

Bag of Bones

I'm a bag of bones with folds of fat all around.
I top off my stomach before I top off my gas tank.
Either way it's expensive to live today.

Distrust invades every part of me.
Every person I see I wonder what they'd take from me.
I can't break free from the damage you did to me.
The truth doesn't matter to me anymore.

I'm out of control.
Yes, I know.
My self-discipline has gone into exile.
If it sounds good, smells good or looks good I want it.
It's too easy to let yourself rot today.

Our dissolution felt more like a disillusionment.
The wear and tear upon my heart has got me ran down.
Another chance to love feels like a trap.
I just run.
The truth doesn't matter to me anymore.

I feel like a sea cow driven to near extiction,
Because I'm too nice to bite the mean people.
I have trouble standing up for myself.
It's easier to follow then to lead today.

The truth doesn't matter to me anymore.

Breaking

Ah, the fog surrounds my car.
The fog invades my brain.
Thoughts fall into it's void
And I want to sleep all day.

I pull into the parking lot.
I got to back into a spot.
I bite my lip until it bleeds.
It's these trivial things that get to me.

Everything around me is breaking.
The drying doesn't heat up.
The computer won't boot up.
My bank account is hitting zero.
Every around me is broken, even me now.

Ah, the caffiene isn't working.
My blood is sludge.
Thoughts won't form
And I want to fade away.

I sign into my laptop.
I got to get some work done.
The deadlines are approaching.
It's stress like this that gets to me.

Everything around me is breaking.
The cable is going in and out.
The car died in traffic.
My bills are overdue.
Every around me is broken, even me now.

This Winter

This winter is freezing me outside to in.
Hope cannot blossom under these persistant grey skies.
I try to find a smile inside of my soul,
but it's buried under several feet of snow.
It's impossible to discover joy when you can't stand up on ice.

This winter knows it brings death.
The flowers are dead. The grass has wilted.
The blue skies have disappeared.
The usual peace I find in the solemn white landscape
has been lost under inches of ice.

I'm not sure what I like anymore.
What used to make me laugh,
now just makes me sad.
I feel the strain of my beating heart.
My weight crushing me to death inside to out.

This winter has been painful.
The cold clings to me.
The wind tears through me.
I find myself curling up and
never wanting to leave my bed.

This winter seems endless.
The signs of spring are too far away to bring me comfort.
I used to want winter to stay.
But all I think about now is how much I miss the sun.

Darkness is in the sky and in my thoughts.
Contradictions are running wild inside of me.
Is there a storm of depression brewing in me?
I don't know if I can survive another one.
To be turned upside down again,
to feel my insides wanting out again.

This winter has eclipsed all expectations.
I had the calm, now it's all undone.
The snowflakes fall & each one makes me anxious.
All of it piles up around me,
I'm scared it will bury me.

This winter drapes the hills in the distance.
It all seems ominous to me now.
I want to runaway,
to somewhere that winter's icy grip cannont reach me.

Happy Is Gone

Stuck on what could have been;
listening to the voices in my head
whispering my to be happy is gone.

Turning and tossing, no, tossing and turning
all alone in my queen size bed;
there's barely enough room for the dog.

I dream about the past, the mistakes I made.
The decisions I regret, and the man not taken.
If all I need is love then I have nothing at all.

Sad songs playing on my ipod;
I listen for an answer, some way to cure me
from this depression i am in.

I can't shake the sadness, I can't get it right.
If I write it all down and burn it
will I be purged of these bad thoughts that
keep shouting my happy is gone?

I wonder about him. And I dream about him.
My latest obsession, so I can avoid
the fact I'm alone with no one to hold.
If all I need is faith then I have nothing left at all.

Consumer

I'm full, belly round, gutteral moans
are my only sound. I over consumed again.
I doomed myself with free pancakes.
I miss my self-control.
I don't think past my plate.
I hate myself.
I hate my mouth.
I hate to eat but it's a need.

I ache, back arched, dull throbs
attack my nervous system.
My extra poundage is breaking me down.
I know what I need to do.
I know I won't be able to do it.
I hate myself.
I hate my brain.
I hate to admit I need help.

I consume, arms outstretched, wallet empty
and credit card strip worn out.
I can't control my urges.
I miss my ability to walk away.
I am not strong enough to say no.
I hate myself.
I hate my consumptional ways.
I hate that only death will free me.

Snowy Sky

I look outside
Up to the snowy sky
The big fat snowflakes
Erase the curves of the landscape.

The cold burns
My throat as I breathe
In then out
Hoping to escape the freeze.

The dog runs around
Joy in her eyes
Mine are downcast
Happiness is not easy for me.

I pull up my collar
Try to protect myself
From the brutal blizzard
Of gray and gloom.

I look up to
The snowy sky
And I wonder
Will i survive this winter?

Pressure

I wake up from the agony
The constant vice of pain
Wrapped around my brain
It's cold outside
And I can't explain
Why today the pressure
Is shattering my skull.

I pop the pills
In an attempt to relieve
The misery that's overcome me.
Three different kinds of rememdy
And no relief.
My eyes are swollen
My gums are bloody
The pressure destroys my
thoughts until there are none.

I feel the inside of my ears
The drums being beaten
The cavities being filled
A valentine's day gift
I'd like to return.
I want to escape
Go back to a day where there's sun.
Before I had succumbed
to all this sinus pressure.

MeeMaw

I sit down to write you a letter,
but I fear it won't be enough
to lift your spirits.
I want to get a smile out of you.

I guess I could pick up the phone,
but the words won't form.
I get overwhelmed with how much I miss you.
I don't want you to hear my tears.

I would like to send you an e-mail,
but you don't own a computer.
And I wonder if I could get through
the years of distance with one hello to you.

I send the cards when I'm supposed to -
the birthday, the christmas holiday.
The one I wish I didn't need;
that get well card was sincerely meant.

My love is always yours,
as far back as I can remember,
I've adored you.

Your sweet smelling perfume.
The prim and proper ruffled tops.
The hair in a bun at first dark brown
then a soft gray.

You're the one true person that will
always be a part of me.

All my love,
Little Irene

Something Inside of Me

there's something inside of me i can't control. my life swirls and twirls by me while i sit in the passenger seat and watch an invisible hand on the steering wheel drive me mad. i'm living in a circle of distrust. and the one person i reach out to won't call me back.

i'd go anywhere, even to the ocean, which i fear to get rid of you. i'd go to the circus, even though i hate clowns, to get you out of my head. just tell me what you want me to do and i'll follow through or i'd at least try to

there's something inside of me defeating my purpose and stealing my hope. i want to set it free. i want to let it runaway, but like a moth to a flame i can't separate it from me.

i'd say anything if you'd stay. i'd tell you that you're right and i'm wrong, even if it's not true, though it is. i'd lay down all my guilt so you could walk all over it, just like you walked all over me. i want you back, i do, but not really.

there's something inside of me spewing nonsense and telling lies. i want to turn it off. it has to have a abort button somewhere. i need to find a path to bypass it. i think i can't survive without it.