Lock

happiness is a wonderful feeling.
joy fills you with warmth.
once upon a time i knew those feelings.
how i live in the past these days.
nothing in my present compares;
love's bittersweet taste on my tongue.
if i unwrap your last gift i'll have nothing left.

this is my place in space, locked in one moment of time.
i don't complain to anyone.
you can't unload your problems, because everyone has their own.
i'm locked into living in a moment that will never repeat.

misery is a cold black wet blanket.
sadness fills my heart with ice.
i know these feeling every damn day.
how they make my future look bleak.
i compare present to past for answers,
but none have surfaced.

i run in place, remembering the feel of your presence.
i don't bother others with these thoughts.
my problems are mental when others have real issues.
i'm locked into what you and i were meant to be.

black and white disagree but i only see gray.
in my soul there's nothing now.
i want to escape but as long as your everywhere i can't.
there's no freedom in these chains of your memory.
i get dragged down to the bottom of all that's surreal.

you locked me up with your love.
you tossed away the key when you left me.
now i sit and spin my wheels waiting for you to release me.
i don't know how to open the lock without you.
just come back for an hour.

Swimming

what about me swims in your head?
my weakness is your kisses.
i see you and my heart does a flip.
this world spins faster then i can deal with.
i see clarity when i'm away from you,
but when you're near i'm blinded by you.
this triangle has become bermuda,
when you enter me the world disappears.
only 10% of your time has been mine.
who swims in your head when i'm not around?

what holds you to her?
my thoughts are curious about you two.
you tell me she bores you.
you feel smothered and like it's all falling apart with her.
you don't want to hurt her,
but you don't hesitate to stomp on my heart.
there's no love that can bind you,
yet two women are slaves to you.
i know it swells up both of your heads.
this is the ultimate power of the worst kind.
whose the one that will be your downfall?

Hairy

this is a hairy predicament.
you and i not wanting to commit.
if i could put this in context,
great sexual chemistry,
the kissing is fucking fantastic,
your hairy chest rubbing me into dizzying heights,
but i'm not in your bed at night.
i'm not the woman that holds you tight.
if she knew about me this would be a hairy situation alright!

you're a hairy beast of a man.
an alpha male that dominates me to the end.
my obsession with your touch undoes me every time.
i can't get enough of your hairy ass.
you drive me to the edge of sexual madness,
but i'm not in love with you.
i'm not the woman who adores you.
if she knew about me you'd be in over your bald head for sure!

she loves your hairy back enough for two.
i only want to fuck you every chance i get.
if we were alone as much as you two are i'd be walking funny
and jumping your hairy balls everywhere.
there's no hope this will end on a good note.
the hair is getting tangled and pulled too much.
you love taking me hard and fast,
but secrets don't keep forever.
i'm not the quality woman that she is.
i'm not the woman you risk losing.
one day she'll find out and your hairy ass will be thrown out!

I'm Trying My Best

your death has me thinking.
all my wheels have been spinning.
i've been stuck in a giant mud pit of doubt.
my heart has no target to aim at.
i keep wishing on planets instead of shooting stars.
i long for the day you held my hand and led the way.

i'm looking at you, so peaceful and at rest.
you're surrounded by flowers and your family is near.
you were laid to rest in a silver casket on a sunny day.
you are next to grandpa in tennessee.
please tell God i'm trying my best down here.

this life is short and riddled with mistakes.
my decisions play out like an off off broadway play.
i go through all the mementos you kept.
you tucked away every scrap of every little accomplishment,
yet there's seldom a mention of my name.
it's blatent to me now i never achieved anything.

i'm the grandchild you prayed for the most.
i'm sorry i couldn't hear the whisper of the holy ghost.
i have become a laundry list of uncompleted tasks.
right now i'm into my deepest mess yet.

he's got me in the corner between lust and regret.
i know it's wrong how he hurts me inside and out,
but part of me doesn't want the pain to stop.
your death has me asking myself hard questions.
there's so much i'd have to give up to be more like you.

i have to rile myself up against my own ways
and i don't know if i love myself enough to do it.
i deserve more then the brief minutes he gives me.
i'm afraid to lose him because he makes me feel.
without him i am numb, but i hate being under his thumb.

Eleven Hours

eleven hours to think
hundreds of miles to contemplate
i tried to find what makes my heart beat on the freeway
all these open spaces laid out in strange places
have me wishing i could be more open minded sometimes
possibilities unrealized dot my recent past
life's epilogue is approaching me fast
when did i become so rigid?

i have her face in the front of my mind
her sweet voice praying to God for me all the time
my broken soul like a moth to the bug zapper
i want what burns me the most
i can't be her little irene anymore
i'm not good enough to honor her memory
when did i become so bitter?

eleven hours in the same car seat
i stare out the window lost in memories
the scenery flies by me unacknowledged
my internal turmoil doing damage
i wrap up tight in her message
the photos in my purse all i have left
she was confident God loved me too
when did i become so lost?

Lonesome Soul

the name calling has started, it's a sign the end has come.
you don't believe me and i don't trust you.
we sit in our separate houses to stew.
there's no mercy in a battle of bleeding hearts.
you're ripping my dreams out through my uterus.
my period has become a badge for all my failures.

the voices surrounding me mock my choices.
i sit behind a closed curtain waiting endlessly to be seen.
my hurting doesn't even matter to God.
my prayers are dying under the weight of my regrets.
i lost my grandmother yesterday.
my joy has been overcome by my pain.

i remember her devotion to God and family.
she seemed so fragile, but her spirit never would break.
i'm sucked up into a restless life.
i'm not content unless there's strife.
my mistakes get worse with every breath i take.
these burdens are burning me at the stake.

i'm certain i'll die a lonesome soul.
cold, destitute, barren, depressed, shattered and alone!

Dearest MeeMaw

In Honor of Brownie Irene Lock 9/3/1923 - 12/13/2011

Dearest MeeMaw i'm lost in memories of you.
Your sweet smile and child like giggles haunt my mind.
My world lost an effervescent light this morning.
Your love helped to anchor me in the darkest of times.
2am God took your beautiful soul back home.
He knows how much I love you.

My head hurts from trying to hold back these tears.
I'm working hard to overcome my fears.
Your pain is over and your blessings are fulfilled.
I feel selfish for still wanting you here.
I didn't call or visit as often as I should have,
but you were always near and dear to me.

I'm your little Irene and now your my guardian angel.
You'll never be far from my thoughts
And you'll always be with me in my heart.
I love you Brownie Irene.
You have always made the world a better place for me.
God take good care of her up there.
She spent her life loving you too.

Her faith never waivered.
Where I had doubts she embraced it all.
I wish I could be more like her.
Strong, Independent, Devoted, and Determined is what comes to mind when I try to describe her.
I love her and miss her so much already.
May peace be upon your soul, my beloved MeeMaw.
This little Irene will try her best to make you proud!

Face Value

i'll try to keep this short
life for me is sadness
i have nothing new to report
life for me is madness
no one to meddle
no one to cuddle

ignore me i babble
take me at face value
live the opposite
my truth isn't copesthetic

i'll try to be honest
breathing is a chore
i'm so modest
i know i'm a bore
no one listens
no one misses

this is how it's been
one year blends into forever
i'll never recover
i'm a perpetual has been

I Made Me

i'm a lonely person, but i made myself this way.
the agony is such a beautiful harmony.
i see the error of my ways, but only through the rear view mirror.

pull back the curtains on the windows,
open the blinds and let the sun blind me.
the light brings no warmth to my heart.
i've moved out from love's reach.
i'm too scarred to love and too afraid to feel.

i'm a desperate woman, but i made myself this way.
the rejection is such a perfect melody to my ears.
i see the mistakes i've laid and paid my dues.
the lessons never last longer then my heart's return to hunger.

open the doors and let the winter wind blow all the cobwebs away.
i feel the chill up my spine.
i feel the cold in my chest.
now this is more like home sweet home.
all i've accomplished over the years is how to perfect being cold and alone.

i'm a stupid person, but i made myself that way.
the abandonment such a sweet sad song to my soul.
i see the problems in every face i've met, but i've forgotten their names.
it's all so clear to me looking back through the years.

i never got the relationship rulebook.
i never could handle following, i had to lead.
i should behave but i'm too far gone to change.
i'm lonely, desparate, and stupid but i made me that way!

Gone with the Sunrise

how many days will it take for these blues to go away?
when will my heart finally be whole again?
inside of my mind all i have is unanswered questions.
inside my heart there's unrequited love.
i'm searching for solutions to all the above.

he seduces me with his hazel eyes
and husky voiced phrases, like you're beautiful.
it's everything i wanted to hear,
but the doubts still call out, he's a liar.
they're all liars.
i need him to keep the pain at bay,
but he won't be here forever.
he's like all the others, gone with the sunrise.

when will i be loved for who i am?
what am i doing wrong with all these men?
why can't i sustain a relationship with them?
am i that broken?
my mind swirls and twirls over every failed attempt at happily ever after.
my heart is a blank open book.
i'm searching for resolutions to all the above.

he winks at me and grins while he kisses my neck.
charm and sweetness are dripping from his tongue.
he's handsome and smooth.
he says he's different, not to worry, he's sticking around.
i love the script he's reading from, but my fears are on high alert.
he's lying.
they'll say anything to get laid.
i only want him so i can spend one less night alone.
he won't be here forever.
he's like all the others, gone with the sunrise.

so'm i'm still asking questions that hurt.
i still want answers, but know they won't come easily.
change and i aren't well aquainted.
but i know true love doesn't happen on your own.
so i'll go through a million sunrises if that's what it takes to get it right!

The Day After

i'm working so hard to get you off of my mind.
here i am staring out the window,
trying to force the clouds to not look like you.
if this is letting go, then what's holding on?
i've got to severe this hold you have on me
before it's the end of me.

the day after you left me i screamed and i cried.
i threw your stuff in the trash.
i ripped up all the pictures and tried to burn the happy times into ash.
the day after i said i'm over you i'm still lonely.

i'm dating and dancing at the bars.
i'm drinking and eating myself merry.
i'm hoping to fall in love with Scott tonight.
i'm thinking i've finally found the man to spend all my nights with.
it's all the hope i have to believe i can love again.

the day after i slept with Scott he still hasn't called.
i start wondering if i was wrong.
he seemed to be the right guy, but it's been so long,
i don't trust my own feelings anymore.
the day after i said who cares if he calls i'm still lonely.

is this how the rest of my life is going to be?
lonely and cold,
lonely and old,
i don't want to be desperate.
the day after tomorrow i'll get back out there.
i'll climb out of bed and try again.
the only hope i have left is that i'm able to fall in love again.

Almost 40

happy birthday to me.

it's easy to see i'm as miserable as can be.
there's no one waiting to dance with me.
i see today as another day in one more year alone.

happy happy birthday to me.

you know i'm a lonely person.
i push and kick myself down all the time.
how i made it this far baffles all.

happy happy happy birthday to me.

just call me a pessimistic bitch.
my life has no shine in it anymore.
all i ever do is complain about every little glitch.

happy happy happy happy birthday to me.

oh, by the way, i got a two cards this year.
and my kid called for money and said, oh, happy birthday,
like she had forgotten me.

happy birthday to me.

i've gone crazy trying to fit into a world that won't accept me.
i'm exhausted from trying to get ahead.
i know it's an uphill battle, it always has been.

happy happy birthday to me.

yeah, what a fucking fabulous birthday for me.
i wrote this poem four years ago and nothing has changed.
i'm beating myself up for the same old shit.

happy happy happy birthday to me.

next year i'll be 40.
i've been stuck on the past burning time like trash.
almost is always the norm.

happy happy happy happy birthday to me.
the men have changed.
the hurt remains the same.
i guess i'm the one that is to blame.

Rain Rain Go Away

it's raining outside,
it's pouring in my mind.
gray, black, and white splashes of ominous emotions float quickly through me.
who was i to you?

scenes in my head play out like a black comedy.
i played your game without the rules.
i lost.
are you amused?

knowing me like you thought you did,
you never guessed i'd hit the fan.
i couldn't keep from talking.
yeah, i ran my damn mouth.
it amazes me how long i kept it shut,
that's how much i loved you until you broke my heart.

the air is cooling down like my desire for you.
the passion has burnt itself out.
i've gone no where but i never hear from you.
do you think about me anymore?

i've taken all the pain and wrote it down.
i've filled hundreds of pages and it keeps coming.
i should put them in a book and send it to your woman.
would that piss you off?

you always called me crazy.
you always lectured me on who to be.
i wasn't good enough for you.
i would never be her.
i should've known i'd be the one dumped on my ass.
but i kept loving you until you broke my heart.

I Dare You

i avoid real emotion when i can.
it's not hard if you try.
i use my empty bottles to countdown my life.
make me live, come on and do it!
i dare you.

i dance side to side then in a little circle.
i have no idea why.
it is what it is and that's what i do.
i'm not happy.
the sad is all too real.
love has left me deaf, dumb, and blind,
what has love done to you?

colors have become as bland as i am.
i'm washed out.
my apathy swells to ranges only reached by a blue robed choir.
my eyes are damp with teas that never get cried.
i'd tell you a secret but it would just be a lie.

i spin around my living room falling over furniture like a total spaz.
i've got no reason to tell you why i do these things.
if i could act normal i wouldn't bother to try.
my little quirks keep me entertained.
what enterains you on a rainy depression soaked day?

surrounded by people i am unattached.
i got a birthday coming up real quick.
makes me think i've accomplished shit.
oh, well, at least there's no where else to go.

i lay flat on the floor.
i'm sprawled out trying to fill up this small room.
i'm attempting to send a pulse down every nerve.
but i'm not feeling anything at all.
this is perfect numbness.

i could try to remember all the ones i've loved.
but the losses are all i can recall.
my veins run cold with the ice of death's breath.
i hear the chanting of their ghosts singing me a sweet note.

sing to me, sing to me, sing to me, sing to me
sing to me, sing to me, sing to me, sing to me please
i miss your voices
i miss having choices
tell me to breathe, i dare you!

Go Ahead and Scream

i have to sleep if i'm going to church.
i have to think even if it hurts.
one little ache echoes throughout my nervous system.
i fall wounded but aware onto my bed where i no longer care.

turn a trick to pay the rent.
it's nothing without love.
i find God in my heart but hate in my thoughts.
there's no more excuses to buy me more time.

dreaming of portals to take me back in time.
undo some mistakes, take some chances i didn't take.
learn if i would still be here and if i'd still cry.
what if i live better in another dimension?
could i swap out the old for the new?
put into circulation an upgrade of me that everyone wants to love.

confusion bends my eyes to see flaws and discrepancies everywhere.
i don't balance my checkbook.
i hate all the fees when i come out red,
it is such a horrible color for me.

space is a vacuum of darkness,
go ahead and scream, no one hears it out there
and down here no one cares.
so take the sharpest thought you got,
stab at the world's toughest problems.
save the poor, feed the pot bellied children,
go and fight a war thousands of years in the making.
the weapons are vastly improved, but the games still dirty.

i can't stay on one subject for too long.
i zig then i zag.
i look at every price tag.
i can't find what it is i'm looking for.
the catalogs and web sites only want me to buy more.

this is unknown territory for me,
but i fearlessly march right into it.
a stick or a bullet can kill.
i fight battles that aren't real.
my spirit is starved from lack of inspirational prose,
so i'll got to bed so i can go to church tomorrow
and find the purpose i lost long ago.

Snow Flurries

winter nights with the frost on the grass
and the ice on the trees reminds me of the coldness inside of me.
my soul is covered in frost.
my heart has turned into ice.
and in my darker moods i want to go outside,
in the dead quiet of the night,
in my bare feet praying the cold will transfer from me to the frozen ground.
let the winter steal the cold right out of my bones.

after three decades in the same state,
you'd think the seasons would be predictable by now,
but southwest Ohio leaves me still guessing.
maybe that's why i never tried to leave.
the weather here shifts as quickly as my moods.
i sense we share a fate, but i don't know the details.
one day i'll understand everything.

like snow flurries i come down the people i love,
unexpectedly, quick to yell and then i'm gone.
the hurt inflicted upon them unregistered in me.
i can't control these erratic spikes of frustration and anger.
the person closest to me gets bombarded the most.
she's the bravest kid in the world to live with me.
both of us never know who i'll be one minute from the next.

i'm so bored with therapy and self-help books.
the same mundane subject repeats.
i feel like banging my head against a wall of pointed sharp spikes.
that's me babes i love to maximize my pain.
the outside will be covered in pure white snow soon.
i wondered if some high coke head has ever tried to snort snow,
thinking the world has suddenly been covered in cocaine?
their wet dream come true, that would be funny to me.
would it be funny to you?

winter nights always remind me of how cold i've become,
so i let the snow flurries come!

Home

when my whole world flips upside down
and the rain won't stop pounding on my windows
there's only one place i've ever felt safe
i want to go home

when i'd sit out back on the grass
watching the clouds as they passed
i couldn't think of a better place to be
this warm loving home that surrounded me

time brings about changes
some i could never have foreseen
the holes left in me get filled up
when i come home to see you

the skies are always clear
the stars shine so bright
the soundtrack is the beauty of the night
how i've forgotten how i loved being home
in the white house on the corner
in the middle of no where

when you'd toss me in the air
so high i'd actually thought i'd fly
when i'd cry and she'd dry my tears as she smiled
it was a gift from heaven that sweet home of mine

dare i call it perfect
no, nothing is
but i will commit to record
i wouldn't change a thing about it
because i've been searching since i left it
for another place to call home
and nothing has ever topped it

i want to go home

Until I Don't Need You

you leave me unmoved.
i listen to your passionate pleas and i don't feel a damn thing.
i shove you down and kick you for no reason.
your tears make me angry.
your i'm sorry's whip up a cold breeze inside my heart.
if you really loved me you would have stayed.
i don't need anyone.
i don't need you.

the reasons unfold like a plot in a murder mystery i've see a 1,000 times before.
your charms can't heal my broken heart.
there's no do over.
you took until i had nothing left to give.
i'm bankrupt so leave.
you are nothing to me.
i don't need anyone.
i don't need you.

i steal the moments of solitude and collect my thoughts.
i have only 1/2 of me to live off of now.
your betrayal eclipsed my days of happiness.
i'd shoot you dead if i believed it would undo all this misery you brought upon me.
i don't need anyone.
i don't need you.

i need to heal.
i need to cry.
i need to eat.
i need a quick fix to get by.
i need fire.
i need love.
i need feelings.
i need to smile.

you God Damn fucking son of a bitch!

i need to forget.
give me all the booze and bottles of pills you can get.
God help me, i won't quit until i don't need you.
i'll self-medicate.
i'll self-destruct.
i'll burn my fucking self down to the God Damn ground.
i won't stop until i don't need you.

For You

i'd run a marathon for you.
i'd give up crying for you.
for you i'd walk through fire.
tell me what you want me to do?
i'm no psychic.
i'm tied up in mental knots.
anything and everything is on the line.
just open your heart and say you're mine.

i've swallowed my pride.
i took my love and threw it to you on a line.
please give me a respite from my lonely nights.
hold up and stand down, just tell me you love me.

i'd lose 50 pounds for you.
i'd give up lying for you.
for you i'd walk naked through town.
tell me what i can do for you?
i can't get the right answer from you.
play the cards straight up
anything and everything is on the line.
just open you heart and say you're mine.

my heart is racing.
i've taken all my eggs and put them in your basket.
please hold me every night.
stop and see me, just say you love me.

Love's Sunset

love leaves only victory etched upon the youthful follies the old love to remember.
the flame burns red hot like it does at the beginning of anything exciting and new,
but time brings differences and doubts.
the flame turns blue and cold to the touch until you notice the flame has gone out
and you don't love her anymore.

we move slowly like the snail when we don't want to change, but we know change is coming.
a tornado of broken promises, angry words, and thousands of tears rip lover's hearts apart.
go stand outside to watch the sun setting on your love.

she's picking apart every memory.
she wants to know the exact moment you fell out of love with her.
you have nothing to say as you pack your suitcase.
she automatically repacks all your things nice and neat.

life with her was perfect, familiar, and clean.
but with routine comes boredom and with boredom the yearning to stray to find entertainment elsewhere.
still, you will fondly think of her every time you put on your favorite t-shirt she bought you.
she's hoping you will miss her and come back,
but you both know you never look back.

we move like molasses in winter time when life throws us a curve ball.
you don't love her.
God knows you tried too.
you ignored the signs.
her eyes have filled up with tears.
your heart is full of fears.
you didn't want to hurt her, but you still are here.

the sun has set and you've run out of love to give her.
so you climb into your beloved yukon
and back out into the freedom of the unknown.
for some odd reason she waves goodbye.
a voice in your head whispers she'll be alright.

she waits until the car is out of sight.
she goes back inside and sits down.
finally she gives a huge sigh of relief
thank God i never had to tell him i didn't love him anymore.

My Exorcism

cast out the demons with holy water
leave the blood dripping from my eyes
bury me alive
catch my killer
i saw her in the reflection of the butcher knife
she looked just like me except for her eyes
her eyes were wild and crazy
she's bitter and hurt
she stabbed me almost 100 times right through my heart
until she collapsed from exhaustion

life was supposed to be a party full of presents, cake, and laughter
what i got never crossed my mind, but here it is
my misery colors my eyes midnight blue
i'll sneak out to the back so y'all can get on with my exorcism

throw me to the sharks one piece at a time
the blood smells like burnt flesh
as it dries on my hands i begin to understand
i'll never be safe from myself
one day i'll successfully kill me
only i could cut right through my own heart with one sure stroke
i'm angry and hurt
i want to pull apart my two sides
let the good happy side of me free
and bury the depressed angry me alive so i can hear her screams

life was supposed to be a party
but no on invited me
so i drink alone everyday
i'm not sleeping.
the blood shot eyes, the pill bottles everywhere,
i'm out back listening to y'all's happy chatter
wondering how long this attempted exorcism will last

I Forget or Shallow Pool

a waterfall of tears rain down my cheeks into my shallow pool of emotions.
i've been doing construction to rebuild the good soldier.
i used to be able to go 24/7 and not let life slow me down
and i never brokedown to cry.
although i'm lost, people look at me with hope in their eyes.
i need to get better at hiding how sick i've become.

auction off my soul to the lowest ebay bidder.
there's nowhere to go but down.
i hit the bottom and i keep digging into the stone of my heart.
i forget all the time what once was mine.
like you. like her. like happiness.
i forget it all so easily.

the trappings of success are seductively soft.
i want just to want.
my own desires a mirror of what i see on the tv set.
i don't know what i want because you haven't told me yet.
i can't finish...

pick up what's left of my smile.
it used to light up the world.
now i've metamorphosised into despair wrapped up in layers of lies.
i'm scared i'll let go and loose control.
i'm too destructive to be in the public eye.
if i were a rabid dog i'd been euthanized for everyone's safety by now.

burnt beyond recognition, i try to pass for a humane human being.
the clock tells me time is running out.
the calendar marks off the days until my final performance.
i always overstay my welcome.
i crash into lives uninvited.
i already tried to be someone i'm not.
it's just time for me to stop!

Okay or Water Drenched Cells

as the years begin to accelerate beyond any speed yet accomplished by mankind,
i feel the failures have only just begun.
my cynical eyes see faults in everyone and on everything.
i've gone from oblivious to hyper-observant.
trust is no longer a welcomed currency,
like the tumbling US dollar,
it's not something i want make deals with.

bow your head to pray.
be thankful God has abandoned us.
He truly is wise.
the plan's he had have been destroyed by his own creations.
so many questions are fueled by the insane passions of faith.
i think the scales are tilting toward are own destruction.

love with your entire being.
use every water drenched cell wrapped in billions of packages to conquer your demons.
we come in every shape, color and size.
i'm unable to fathom why we aren't as unique as we like to think we are.
connect me to my sedative and pour my whisky neat.
i don't want to feel anything else tonight.
i don't want to debate if you are wrong or right.

close, closer, closest.
move silently beyond your closed state of mind.
shut the door to opportunity.
quit the progress and stow the hope in the overhead compartment.
it's a bumpy ride, but we love to fly high without leaving the ground.
i visit my friendly neighborhood pharmacist to make it okay.
it'll be okay.
i'm tired of trying to be important or special.
i'm going for okay with only a few addictions.
i'm reaching out to just be okay.
okay?
okay!
okay.

End of My Rainbow

my depression is absolute.
i see ghosts all around me.
the ghost of who i thought i'd be is drinking tea.
the ghost of who i was before you died is eating for me.
the ghosts of those i loved but lost are laughing at the tv.
i'm haunted all the way to my soul.
these so called cures aren't worth their side effects.
i thought myself to doom.
i believed i would be immune.
my ignorance bum rushed me and i finally saw i died years ago.

there is a distortion in the sound surrounding me.
i'm always off key.
i want the resurrection promised on the blood of the savior lost to me.
i repent for all my sins in this moment of self-loathing.
it doesn't matter if i got caught,
i'm still punishing myself in my head.
i want freedom from my flesh.
i need will power to be able to do what is best.
the road is so clear, but i fell into the potholes on the way there.
i see what i want and what i need the most are one and the same.
love keeps me chasing all those ghosts.

i demand to know who made all the rules.
i suffer at the end of my rainbow in silence.
there's no treasure or gold.
where is my soul mate?
the yin to my yang doesn't exist.
the inspiration on every cheesy poster, t-shirt and selfhelp book has crucified my heart.
i'm being taunted by every hand holding, smiling, and laughing couple.
the damn ghosts of relationships past won't let me be.
i haven't forgotten that happiness used to exist within me.
i always thought there was something better around the corner,
but it's been a fruitless search.
when you're dead inside there is no happy ending.

Quietly I Watch You

quietly i watch you talk to me
the way your mouth moves amazes me
the smell of your cologne envelopes me
you think i'm listening
but i'm lost in your essence
your mere presence dazzles me

quietly i watch you eat
the way you suck on your lemon from your tea entrances me
the meat you chew so vigorously reminds me of your passion
you catch me looking at you
so you wink at me and mutter yum good
your whimsy makes me want to dance for you

quietly i watch you sleep
the way you mumble and smile amuses me
the heat off your body arouses me
you roll over and spoon me
i nuzzle in deeper i can't get enough of you
your manhood pressed against me takes my breath away

quietly i watch you walk
the way you swagger makes me want to grab your ass
the confidence you project makes me swoon
you look over your shoulder and say, like what you see,
i laugh and say every damn day babe!
your the only man i want to keep

quietly i watch you laugh
the way you embrace life entertains me
the playful demeanor you have captivates me
you pick me up and twirl me around
we both end up on the ground
your the one for me!

Beautiful November Day

it's a beautiful november day.
the world is spinning and people are living.
all around me there is life thriving.
i sit back.
i try to unwind and relax.
i want to ease these angry thoughts out of my mind.
i close me eyes and breathe deep and slow.
my search for calm begins to work.

my headache isn't pounding as hard now.
a little snowflake of hope is drifting around my soul.
it's getting colder outside but i am feel some warmth in my heart.
a precious moment of serenity has arrived.
i welcome the break.
i needed it.
disappointment let me be.

i've locked the heartache in a drawer labeled mistakes.
i've put my love on the highest shelf.
it's best to keep it there for now.
it's too soon to be handing out what hurts too much when things don't work out.
my sleep is all messed up.
my dreams are confusing to me.
the night brings my depression down hard on me.
i want the sun to never set.

my mind longs for a new man to obsess upon.
it's an addiction that's too easy to fuel.
i want real love.
someone i can touch.
not just a fantasy that disappears with the dawn.
i've never captured true love.
to be honest the concept baffles me.
how two people can meet and determine this the person for me to love.
i've always let desire and chemistry guide the way to who i wanted.
maybe that's why after a couple of months i get bored.

next time no sex until it's been a couple of months.
i have to stop rushing around like someone on meth.
i need to uncover the patience that has to be in me somewhere.
i can dream of all the happy endings i want,
but i'll be lonely forever if i can't make love last.

yes, it is a beautiful november day.
there's still enough time and a little bit of hope in me
that there's someone in this world for me to love.

Two

my lips shine and taste divine.
my eyes are luminous and grey.
my hands are soft and smell of cherry blossoms.
what more do you want from me?

my heart beats faster.
my body shivers.
my whole being quivers from your touch.
what more do you need me to do?

passion has been chemically enhanced.
all the props have been placed.
the sensual vibe fills the room.
the two of us and one big bed.
one plus one equals us two entwined as one.

your 5 o'clock shadow against my neck.
your lips lightly brushing mine.
your hands gliding up over my hips.
i can't get enough of you.

the hunger in your hazel eyes.
your tongue dancing with mine.
your body pressing into me.
i can't get enough of you.

passions satisfied with one big bang.
the heat begins to fade.
the candles have burned down.
silence and heavy breathing remain.
the phones are ringing.
reality is invading our world of two.

good bye.
good luck.
maybe we'll see each other next month, maybe not.

The Last Night

you rock my world with every touch.
i'm so lucky to be with you.
your smile takes my day from dark to light.
your love lifts me up.

there's nothing i wouldn't do with you.
the last night you took me up too high
and now i'm crashing so hard!
you wind me up but you never cool me down.

i never know when you'll come around.
my heart dances to the tune of your tongue.
your heat is spreading through me rapidly.
i need you to take me suddenly.
our physical contact borders on the violent,
but i can't stop you and you won't stop yourself.

Reverse Psychology

men and the mysteries of love
i've never given up the search
my life a cornacopia of sad love songs
all my intelligence led me astray
i forgot when looking for love
you have to think with your heart

my brain interfers every time
i'm an eyeore down to my core
i sit and wait for my house to fall down
you get the worse when you expect it
i can't feel but i can see
he wasn't what i needed
no man has ever been
because he doesn't know the answer
to that same question i keep askin'

magic and astrology are for fools
i still hope for a miracle
but i'm a skeptic
my lovers read off like rides at a carnival
each brought me a little thrill
but they all packed up and left
leaving no trace they were ever here

my brain meddles every time
i'm a cynic of the worst kind
i know i'll get hurt
so i find men that will let me down
if you go up you got to come down
and all i think about is me
i'm so wrong and right
i love men and i love to hurt

Winter's Wind

i look inside of you, you have a heart so cold i cry for you;
because i know tears will never fall from your eyes.
hold your hands up to your face
and feel the cold of the winter's wind against your skin,
it's like the slap of your rejection,
that's how it felt to me when you broke my heart.

high above on my medically induced cloud nine i reflect upon this journey with you.
i wanted too little.
you wanted too much.
we never could agree on anything.

broken down.
broken hearted.
i'm broken inside and out.
i had my cracks before you came, but now i'm broken apart from this pain.

i've greived a little too long for something i never really wanted.
i had some spirit left, just enough to cover up the lies.
it worked, until the secret grew bigger then me
and took a life of its own.
all i could do was wait for the explosion.

now i'm still cleaning up the aftermath
and the winter's wind has come again.
its sting to my exposed flesh reminds me of you.
it's as if your hurtful and abusive mouth never left.

i have have to move on or I'll never get out of this mess.
i thought you were gone forever,
but you're still a pain in my ass with hateful emails full of threats.
i guess the games aren't over for you yet.
you were always a sore loser;
that's the only thing about you i know for sure is true.

i'm tired of my doubts.
i'll burn them and your memory once the divorce goes through.
maybe out there somewhere there's a better one for me.
i'm thinking about him i wonder if he's thinking about me.
hell, i'd rather be with anyone but you.

i'm chasing these ghosts of you away.
i toss them out my door and let the winter's wind carry them back to you.
i'm done being your fool.

Clean and Clear or Sunday's Call

sweet child of God raise your sleeping eyes,
hear my holy spirit urging you to rise
and begin the day with my son by your side.
come to me in your place of worship.
you'll find peace inside the chaos of your mind.
my promises are uncompromised for you to receive your blessings just drop your guard.
all will be clear when you surrender to my love.

walk into my arms sweet child of mine.
the sins repented through your sorrowful tears.
let the fear go.
i am in every beat of your heart.
walk into my arms sweet daughter of mine.
all will be clean for you again.

you are not unworthy to ascend to the heavenly gates.
intelligence and science are of the tactile world.
there's no place in faith for statistics and facts.
only love can lead you through all the temptations.
all will be clear when you surrender to my love.

carry me in your every thought.
wait for me to guide you.
the voice of my spirit is soft yet firm.
focus on that solace and put your doubts onto my shoulders.
feel again daughter of mine.
feel your joyous salvation.
all will be clean again for you.

amen, amen, amen!
be blessed.
pray.
read my words every day and go to church.
this will heal your fractured heart,
whirlwind thoughts and tormented soul.
it's simple.
all will be clear once you surrender to my love.

Glory, Money and Applause

i am a fake.
i copy what's around me.
i take in what i hear and throw it up butchered into what i believe to be my own thoughts.
as i listen to a song, i take a line or an idea to twist into my own verse.
i am a sponge.

i want to believe i'm a creative force undiscovered in the literay world.
a diamond waiting to be cut and polished to shine;
then put out for display with a huge markup.
my value assessed.
my artistic prowess confirmed.
but i just reiterate what i myself am unable to create.

i want the glory.
i want the money.
i want the critical beatings and the audience applause.
yet i will never see anything but lawsuits, court rooms, and heads shaking in disappointment.

i made up every word.
true or not, i heard it in my thoughts.
i grabbed it and wrestled it onto paper.
i pat myself on the back for my accomplishment.
but then i read somewhere that what i have has already been done.

i'm in deep into my mental disorder.
i saw him go from poor me to hearts dancing in his eyes.
love sweet love offers me a rest from the daily frustrations of my own life.
but he tells me he's not real.
another figment of my imagination floats away.

i am a fake.
i will never be published, but i will be heard someday.
maybe all this will end up in the dumpster when i die.
after i'm gone there's no guarentee these words will live on.
i am a sponge.

Marching Forward

from new paris to eaton to middletown to monroe to liberty township to canal winchester has been the path of my yellow brick road.
step to the rhythm of the FM radio, i fell deep into the credit card mania.
got swept away on a wave of debt and credit reports never forget.

took a few turns on the merry-go-round of love.
four men, i thought i'd live happily ever after with,
four men, and only one i decided to wed and he let me go, he let me go!

sweet is the world through the eyes of youth.
bitter the pill of reality.
a statistic in the fucking usa today, a teenage mother,
but i beat the odds, i did good.
i made it through college degree in hand and a plan.

time wears off the polish and your life begins to mold.
hope is shot dead by fear and you don't know which way to go.
examin the map that's gotten bigger then you thought.
the heart broken, the hands calloused, and a minding shutting down;
today seems like 16 years ago.

now it's back to square one.
one day at a time.
survive, sustain, and shut down the heart to outsiders.
look back inside your soul to find the gold.
let go. let go.
head down and keep marching forward on this yellow brick road.

Circles

i circle...
i walk in circles.
i talk in circles.
i live in circles.
i think in circles.
i love in circles.
at the end of each rotation the men switch out,
like a tag team wrestling match,
another man is always ready to step onto the mat.
and it's as good as over as soon as we meet.
he wins then slaps the next guy on the hand to walk the circle with me,
but there's no breaking out of the circle i've created for myself.
no, i'm locked in a circle of unending misry.
maybe when God drop kicks me to the pits of hell,
maybe then, the circle will get broken!

About a Man

my life has become a one sided conversation.
i speak to you but you're not even here.
the disaster is evident in the pill bottles scattered on the bathroom counter top
and the dropped pills on the floor.
i never bother to pick them up because there's always more.

i drown a little every time you reach out to hit me with your angry words.
i sink below the surface of your hate even more.
i broke under the weight of your expectations.
just when i begin to show some progress, you pop up and drag me under once more.

i'm a good person trapped in your bad mood.
the perpetual shifts in your demeanor swing me until i get sick off all the emotions.
let me go. let me down. let me out of this miserable relationship and your twisted revenge.
life is simple for most, but for me it's always been so damn confusing.

yes, as usual, it's all about a man!
it always has been.
the current mistake hurts the most.
i thought i'd gotten it right, but i was kidding myself.

Backed Against Myself

in this hour of the setting sun i light three candles in honor of the creator, his son, and his holy ghost.
i want to remember that i have a little light left in the darkness that has overtaken my soul.

in the quiet of my home i close my eyes to see into why i hurt so bad.
i am a tormented liar.
i've decieved the world around me for my own selfish reasons.
i cannot let my unthinking tongue expose how weak i've become.

in my mind i work hard to justify all my actions.
i fall short.
there's nowwhere to go.
i can't severe this anger festering inside of me from my heart.
it feels dirty and raw, the violence revolts me, yet draws me closer to it.
i want to run, but it would be a circle back to here.

in my heart there's a precious haven where all the ones i love reside, despite distance and the passing of time.
i wish the whole of my heart was overflowing with their love, but so much of me is torn and lost.
my heart is almost dead.
i don't think i can be saved or fixed.

in the cold i feel alive.
the brisk bitter air flows in and out of my lungs exciting me.
i actually feel my breathing, almost like your screams lingering in your ears after a nightmare.
i struggle with the same issues over and over.
i'm always backed against myself in the corner scared of my own shadows.
the fight won't end until i'm dead, but then who wins?

Chills Down Their Spines

i've finally achieved the impossible, i've become invisible.
it seems only my dad and daughter can see me.
everyone else looks right through me.
my existence forgotten, my image lost, i am no one!

i'd pray to God if i thought it'd help.
i'd lose more weight if i thought it'd make a difference.
i can alter my external appearance a million ways,
but i'd still be imperfect.

i want to bend until i break.
i want to surrender and be killed by friendly fire.
i'd love to be lovable, but i'm not.
i'd like to be popular, but i won't.
you realize early on some things never change.

i'm in love with wanting to be in love.
the concept is a wonderful sweeping and grand gesture.
reality is a harsher and much closer friend.
the truth depends on who you talk to.
there's not a single formula to create the person in your dreams.

i think in milliseconds that i'm a terrible person.
these negative affirmations never end.
i'll have them dance on my grave before i'm even dead.
the show could go on forever.
if only i could reach deeply into my mind to find the moment where my happiness died,
i might be able to revive it.

my misconceptions have outgrown me now.
every one can see i'm broken somehow.
i'm ignored by all.
people don't want to see me, because it's painful.
the thought of me sends chills down their spines,
because we all know there's a little bit of me in them.

Sweet Poison

it's okay, just let the pain wash you away.
feel the waves of agony crashing over your brain.
it's not as bad as it could be,
let the sweet poison course through your veins until you're empty of pain.

you watch the days pass you by one by one.
there's always another setting sun to come.
you get out of bed less and less.
your hair is always a mess.
you're praying for an escape that never comes.
all around you others move along and you wish you could do the same,
but here you are right where you've always been.

time is stealing everything from you;
your youth, health, family and chances for happiness have all walked out the door.
you'd hoped for so much more,
so take your sweet poison and sink down into the pillows.
the dreams are calling your name and life sucks when you're awake.
life is full of loss and pain.
every day you let the sweet poison take you away is a better day.

it's okay, not every one can win the fight between good and evil.
so let your ideas slide into oblivion.
your battle is more internal.
you brace yourself for all the bad to come.
somehow there's always more.
you run around in circles thinking you're fooling someone into thinking you're a mover,
but all you've done is look ridiculous to everyone.
take a bow and leave it alone,
let the sweet poison carry you home.

tomorrow brings another chance to fuck it up and you'll succeed
in the one way you desperately wish you would fail.
go home and take your sweet poison to feel better.
all your worries and fears will disappear.
you'll relax and be empty,
so empty you'll think you've floated away,
but you'll come down and realize you never left the ground.

Just a Glimpse

just a glimpse of you puts a silly smile on my face.
just one look from you and i melt.
you have the impact of 9.0 earthquake on my heart.
i can't stop wanting you; you've become a part of me!

just a glimps of you today sent my head spinning.
just one wave and my mood soared.
your mere presence shakes me to my core.
i need you like no other man before.

just a glimpse of your ass makes me wet.
just one touch from you and i surrender it all.
you're the exception to my one rule.
i can't tell you no, it's like the word no longer exists with you around.

just a glimpse of your hands has me wanting them all over me.
just one smile from you rocks my whole world.
you make all my bad thoughts disappear.
i want my world to revolve around you.

just a glimpse of you sends me into ecstasy.
just the hope you'll love me too lights my fire.
you know i've fallen hopelessly in love with you.
i can't wait until i catch another glimpse of you!

Murder Me with Mercy

plain white paper brings dreaded news.
you feel helpless knowing you're at the end of the rope.
plastered inside your mind are terrible deaths.
you have created by osmosis your hated "ID".
self-betrayal without premeditation is murder 2.
most get out in 7-15 years, but i got a life sentence.

can you hear? can you see? can you feel my agony?
we and i boil down to alone.
trim off the fat surrounding my bones,
maybe i'm still alive under the debris.
i hope for another love, but pray i'll die free.

perilous decisions lead me to the ledge
if i don't jump i'll be wondering if it was him
but if it take the plunge and it blows up,
there'll be a fall out i am too broken to cover up.
fragile is a bad mixture for a lonely cocktail
my heart overflows with my self-pity,
a vast well barely tapped, it'll drain out upon my death.

look and listen to me carefully.
i have problems, but i set them aside easily.
i'm too tortured to be me.
i live off my own negative energy.
will you help me if i scream?

murder me with mercy.
strangle me with kindness.
force feed me some confidence.
all i know is i never change.
i ping pong back and forth between bittersweet depression
and the honeymoon of my addictions.
i have no choices so it's a done deal.
i'll be me and all of you will leave me the fuck alone!

More Candles on the Cake

soon another year passes me by and i increment my age plus one
my level of maturity is on the retarded level
i hate being the one person that everyone avoids

what happened to mother's little sunshine
i'm so bitter now and sadder then the moon when it's eclipsed by the sun
what are we to do with you
i smile and say it'll all be okay and then i change the subject
i bring around some frivoulous topic to my lips so we can all avoid my mental illness

here i am on the verge of losing everything and i'm so annoyed
i was a gifted student until i found it easier to play stupid
i got put in the easy classes and i coasted through
i would wear a smug smile knowing i was the smartest one in the class
i could avoid being challenged and it went by in a breeze

avoidance of my presence has become blatent even in cyberspace
i'm being blocked and unfriended at rapid rates
i feel so unloved and unwanted
nothing i do perks me up
i don't know how to stop the behavior that drives everyone away
if i did i'd do my best to stop it

i pull my own hair to feel something that is real
there's a pain that i cause when others see me
it's so unbearable that they all leave me
i circle and circle in on myself
the more candles on my cake the more i hate myself

I Say

i say these things to you when you're down or blue
i say these things to you i hope they ring true
i love you
i need you
i want you
you are perfect just the way you are

i say these things to you when you're far away or lonely
i say these things to you i hope they make you happy
i respect you
i appreciate you
i adore you
you are my everything

these things i say to you come from my heart
don't be full of fear or doubt.
i'll keep saying these things to you until you're forever mine
i love you
i need you
i want you

i respect you
i appreciate you
i adore you

i see you
i hear you
i feel your pain

please let know if you feel the same by saying these things to me
you are perfect just the way you are
you are everything to me
you are the only man i will ever need
my universe revolves around you

i know these are just words, but i will show you everyday how much i mean them!

Cave In

waiting for you to fall in love with me has become a full-time job.
i've severed contact.
if you really want me you'll have to come and get me.
i'm tired of chasing you.
i think it's sent you on an ego trip.
i'll stay isolated in my fears and held closely in the arms of my doubts.
i hope you'll call, but my lower then lowest levels of hell self-esteem says you won't.

these obsessions that overcome me whisk me away into a wonderful life in my dreams, but never come true.
i want you to be different, but i'm not any different.
so the endings are always the same.
you leave.
i cry.
the cycle remains intact and never ends!
i always cave in!

waiting for my winning lottery ticket to be bought has turned into a full-time day dream.
i don't even have the dollar to buy the ticket.
and being out on sick leave gives me an anemic paycheck.
i'll pay what i can and live to learn to go without the rest.
it's bumpy, this road i've been detoured onto.
my therapist says i'll get better but my brain doesn't agree.

these obsessions that overcome me whip my passions into a frenzy and leave me quickly.
i feel like a cocaine addict coming down, crashing hard into sexual withdrawal.
i'll never have a happy ending, because i'm unchanged.
even these thoughts of death won't leave me be.
i'm going to cave in!

Unasked

are you a dream?
i try to hold you but you always disappear.
are you a drug?
the more i get from you the more i want from you.
are you real?
you're too perfect to exist.

this game we're playing leaves me confused.
you won't give me the rules.
i'm chasing your shadow on a cloudy day, but when you smile all my doubts melt away.
i deserve more.

are you for me?
i have no idea what you want from me.
are you missing me?
you say you think about me sometimes, but is it as much as i think about you.
are you going to stay?
i'm scared you'll take my heart and run away.

this one sided dialogue is starting to loop.
i'm doing as i'm told, but i'd rather have you to hold.
i'm trying to savor our moments, but they pass too quickly.
i deserve you!

are you playing with me?
i'm feeling vunerable to you, but you come across so cold.
are you going to hurt me?
i've placed my trust into your hands, but i worry you don't care.
are you falling in love with me?
i know men and women don't fall in the same ways.

i am falling helplessly in love with you.
all these questions swirl unasked and unanswered in my mind.
i think about you all the time.
i dream about you every night.
you have all the answers, but i'm afraid to ask.
what if your answers aren't what i want to hear?
i wonder if you'll ever leave her.
i kick start your heart, but she's familiar to you.

are we going to explode or fall apart?
this won't end well.
are we both going to hell?
my happy ending will be a nightmare.
are you ready to risk it all for me?
that means you will lose her and then i might lose you.

i'm ready to put it all on the line for you, are you going to do the same for me?

Another's Heartbeat

i want to feel another's heartbeat underneath my ear.
i want to have two loving arms wrapped around me tight.
i want to love.
i want passion.
i want you!

you're driving me crazy.
you sit back and watch my theatrics.
you're so sure where i'm going, but babe you have no idea where i've been.

get closer to me.
i want to kiss your hands and place them on my heart,
so you can feel how another's heart beats in response to your touch.

you're my fuel and i've come to close to empty to let you go.
please baby, stay and love me.

lying here with you in the dark, just us, each caught up in our own thoughts.
the anticipation never is as good as the dreams that haunted our nights.
i feel as if the timer on us just got set.

do you know the sound of a breaking heart?
did you hear the beating of my heart?
it speeds up with your every touch.
i want to be your every breath.

feel me.
hold me.
your control is complete.
you dictate how another's heart beats.
it's your power trip.

will you be there for me?
or should i just write you off?
tell me how you want my heart to beat for you.

A You Free World

you're picking me apart again
my esteem isn't your concern
your love isn't something you want to give to me
losing you could be the best thing to ever happen to me
no more obnoxious curse filled rants
welcome to a new and improved you free world!

questions don't always need to be answered
the universe is full of unlimited possibilities
i need to explore other realms
time may run out on me, but i'll die if i stay where i'm at

the catalyst was your accusations
they outed my doubts into the light
unicorns aren't real and neither is your heart
i released my remaining feelings for you into the air
i already feel 200% better
God doesn't need to be bothered for moments like this
i expect you to never speak to me again

life is a bore when you remain neutral
obvioulsy, i am not taking your side
vex me if it makes you feel better
i'm excited to now be living in a you free world!

It Doesn't Matter

it doesn't matter what age you are when you lose your mother
it doesn't matter if she walks out or if death takes her away
the pain is the same, it lingers and remains

it doesn't matter the memories you have, they'll eventually fade
it doesn't matter how many tears you cry or how much you miss her
she won't be back, it hurts and causes emotional cracks

if i could i would wrap up every memory i have to keep it safe from time's erasing touch
if i had a time machine i'd go back and record every moment so i'd never forget the sound of her voice
if i had one wish it would be to have one more minute to tell her i love her one last time

it doesn't matter now it's been so long and my mind is losing her
it doesn't matter what i want, i can't stop the pain
i can't ease the desire to talk to her one more time, it's a fact and i'll be fine

it doesn't matter that no one can say why we feel this way
it doesn't matter if you understand where i'm coming from
life is never the same, i feel abandoned and lost

if i would've known it was your last day i wouldn't have left the hospital
if i knew that would be your last words to me i'd listened more
if i had been there i'd never let go of her hand when God came for her unexpectedly

it doesn't matter what's done is done
it doesn't matter i'm getting older and my daughter has forgotten her
it doesn't matter that i don't want to let her go

oh, God, why take her from me
oh, God, i miss her more with each passing day

i know the only thing that matters is she's inside of me and my daughter
she's forever mixed into our DNA
when i look into the mirror i reach out and touch her
every year our differences disappear.
it's her love that she gave me that keeps me going and
that is the only thing that matters.

This Monday or Send Up a Prayer

he's got those crazy eyes again
God only know what he's got planned
i wait for the explosion
this is the calm before the storm
i hold my breath and send up a prayer

God, hold on to me
he's got me right where he wants me
i need strength to make this last
i know he's cheating on me
but i love him
so, God, help me find a way to set myself free

this monday started off bad
he came home at 1 AM
we've fought non-stop since then
i'm crying, he's lying
there's no love in this room
i hold my breath and send up a prayer

God, hear my tears
feel my pain across the stars
he's not listening to my pleas
i need you God to give me the right words
he's half way out the door
but i love him
so, God, should i let him go?

Cursed

i'm going to surrender myself to your love.
the sacrifice i make is to lose my heart, but i hope i will be redeemed.
if you disagree all i'll have for company is misery.
i hate to suffer through another broken heart, so let yourself fall in love with me!

i've worked hard to find peace inside of me.
i want to give you everything, but i'm scared you don't feel the same.
it's enough to drive me insane.
life isn't worth living without taking risks and i'm all in for you!

i'm getting a strong sense of deja vu.
the pattern has begun to emerge.
you aren't on the same page as me,
i'm beginning to wonder if we are reading the same book.
you can't figure out where i'm coming from.
when did it become a crime to fall in love!

my stupidity knows no bounds.
i let my heart lead the charge and i've been executed.
you shake your head and wash your hands of me.
you refuse to take any responsibility.
you call me delusional and silly.
my heart shatters and my hopes scatter into the wind.

why is it always over before it even begins?
i get myself all wound up for nothing.
he let the air out of all my balloons.
why am i a toy for so many men?
i throw myself off the steepest cliff, but isn't that what love is?

i can't roll around in the mud of my regrets.
i'm stronger then the latest man to let me down.
i pack up my emotional baggage and put it on a shelf in my closet.
there's alway another one to love around the bend
and i don't ever hesitate jumping in.

i hate that lonliness has become my best friend.
i spend hours trying to figure out what is wrong with me.
i have multiple diagnosis, but no solutions.
love destroys me but i keep crawling back for more.
he was the latest in a long line of failures.
i find men easily, but i can't keep them around!

my heart and soul are bound to tragedy.
am i paying a price for some horrid past?
i never meant to break any hearts.
my tears have disappeared over the years.
i won't forget the words you said to me,
"you're too cold to ever keep a love alive"
i think you cursed me for good because i'm always alone.

Pang of Jealousy

i shot myself in the foot.
i had a pang of jealousy when i saw her with you.
we were supposed to be having fun, leaving our emotions uninvolved.
i find myself wanting more of you, so i'm pulling out before any damage can be done.
i wish i could be the woman that doesn't fall in love, but i'm not wired that way.
you are a man i could easily fall in love with, so now i'm running away from you and you don't even care.

i've taken chances like this before.
i've broken my heart in the past with delusion of more, but now i'm taking my own advice.
i'm backing out your door before your shatter my heart across the floor.
you are passe about the whole thing.
i can't read you at all.
your lack of emotional response has been my wake up call, so now i feel justified in cutting myself free so abruptly.

the physical distance between us is the key in this change.
i can't let you get near enough to touch me.
my flesh would betray me.
my senses revel in the scent of you.
i must stay away from you.
i've imposed my own restraining order.
i have to save myself from how you make me feel.
i won't be able to survive another broken heart.

i can't complain about where i am.
i'm always the woman that ends up alone.
men want to play with me, but not stay with me.
i can't seem to find a man who will love me back.
i've gotten used to being second best, but i don't deserve that.
it's not my pride rescuing me this time.
i could love you with the heat of a million suns.
the chemistry will only take us so far and unfortunately, i want it all!

Let Me Burn

Let me burn.
this house is vacant.
toss away the bad and there's nothing left.
i held onto my past too long and let my future fall inbetween the cracks.

i lack empathy.
i can't find you even when you're in plain view.
if i think about you my heart hurts.
i stopped pretending i didn't love you.

i'm climbing up an endless wall.
i'll never get over you.
i'm growing older.
my excuses are ringing hollow now.
i can't turn it back onto you.

these mistakes define who i am.
i tried to not try and i succeeded with minimal effort.
all i know how to do is avoid you.
i'm packing up all that i am into a small box.
i don't need myself anymore.

i can count the good times on one hand.
the bad times go on without end.
i got one hundred dollars and a gun.
i'll drink myself numb and if that's not enough, i'll use the gun.

i'll shoot every bullet into the ghost of you.
i don't care if it works or not.
my goal is simple enough.
i have to rid myself of my own fears.

tonight i will battle myself.
in quiet reflection of the raindrops,
i'll find the place inside of me not cracked.
i'm going to defeat my own mind.
no one is getting out alive!

Back to the Earth

love is the greatest illusion of all
it makes me come alive when i know i'm already dead inside
the air gets weighed down with its expectations
the night air becomes electric with physical delights
i build up the emotion like a skyscraper
the beams are weak and the glass is breakable
there's a fragility in love's embrace
i see it every time i look over at your place
i embarass myself to show you how i am smitten with you
you're unaffected and my tower crumbles back to the earth

happiness is a futile search
it can't remain still enough to keep
i had it for a second then you went away
i left my heart wide open
your lies caught me by surprise
i see you're no good for me
sorrow's tears flood through me to drown out the hurt
i succumb to the pain
you're oblivious and i bury my happiness, giving it back to the earth.

lonliness clings to my flesh
i don't feel anything anymore
all i do is stare into the now empty air
i had thought we'd be together until my last day
but you always had another way
she's perfect and i'm not her
therefore, you don't want me anymore
i'm trying to make peace with my tragedy
you're callous so i will take this lonliness and use to come back down to the earth.

Ohio Weather

my mood can change faster then Ohio weather.
i know i frustrate you and your patience is almost out,
but i beg you to hear me out.

i've never fallen this fast or this deep.
you've got me swinging on a pendulum between love and fear.
you are perfect for me.
these changes i'm making is so that i'm perfect for you.

the two of us together can be an unbreakable combination.
i want our love to lift us up above our doubts.
you bring out a side to me i had forgotten.
my head spins just thinking of you.

jump into me and i promise to fall into you.
we have to break all the rules.
this kind of heat may burn us, but we won't ever regret it.
take me hard and fast.
touch me everywhere, and i'll lick every inch of you.

tomorrow we will walk past each other like right now didn't matter.
i'll try not to smirk, and you'll try not to look.
i notice you don't like it when i ignore you.
you know how much i adore you.

you say you need me desparately.
your affections change faster then the Ohio weather sometimes
this chemical reaction is going to blow us both to hell and back,
but baby, i can't stop!
i need you desparately too!

we can worry about the consequences tomorrow.
it's sunny and clear right now,
so strip me down and make me yours.
it might be storming 10 minutes from now, but we can ride it out.
we never know after we hook up what the fall out will be.,
but give it 5 minutes, because like Ohio weather it could change!

Needy or No Satisfaction

i've been needy lately
i need your attention
i need your touch
i need your affection
i need you too damn much
but you don't need me for any of the above

i'm chasing your shadow on a sunny day
i'm searching for a way to make you want me like i want you too
i can't find a way out of this box you put me in
it's not supposed to matter what we feel

this game of tag we're playing, why am i always it?
you've lined me up like dominoes, and i'm falling over you again and again.
this stinks worse then rotting fish
i'm wound up with no outlet for release.

i need to control my own desires.
i need to be calm.
i need to be cool.
i need to be able to walk away from you.
but none of my needs ever get met.
i'm perpetually needy, no satisfaction anywhere in my future!

Dear Scott

my computer screen is the only light in the room.
i watch as the gnats are drawn to its light.
i shoo them away, i'm in no mood to spill any blood today.
i got my sullen music playlist on and i'm wondering when i'll see...
of course, my pen runs out of ink mid thought,
but these thoughts of you i can't keep.

i'm looking at the date and all i see is bytes.
101111,
yes i want you
no i don't
yes
yes
yes
yes
dear scott, give me some more!!!

my life is coming to its apex.
i'm not going to get any better from here.
i crave what he won't give me.
i pissed away my chance and he's taunting me with that fact.
too bad woman.
i got myself another piece of ass and you can't compete with that.
yes i can.
no i can't
yes
yes
yes
yes
dear scott, give me some more!!!

i've lost my mind!
but i'm crazy so i do this all the time.
i hand him the keys and open up my legs.
i pace in front of my computer waiting for a message from him.
i hope he doesn't know how badly i want him,
but i know he knows i do.
this is so messed up!

it's the thrill of stolen seconds that shouldn't be mine.
the kisses are sweeter when they are forbidden.
the passion hotter when you can't stay.
every sensation is 10 times better when you only have a minute or two.
yes we can't stop.
no we can.
yes
yes
yes
yes
dear scott, give me some more!!!

i feel like a dirty whore, but i'm not getting paid or even laid.
i swear i've been such a good good girl.
there's only touching, rubbing, sucking, nibbling, and squeezing.
he has me playing with his matches.
i keep waiting for us both to catch on fire and burn.
yes i want you
no i don't
yes
yes
yes
yes
dear scott, it's time for you to give me some more!!!

Seek Clarity

should i be worried?
constant trouble rests on my mind
opinions are tossed out hurried
the consensus is i must be blind

time is slipping away from me on a downward slope
gracefullness isn't in my character
can't keep myself dangling on such a short rope
obsession has given me a hair trigger

underneath my calm exterior
lonliness consumes me to the breaking point
obviously, i'm pretending to be cheerier
maybe it's time to make my point

before i speak up i select my words carefully
ecstasy rest upon me seeking clarity

Adieu

i'm growing weak from the havoc you create
you disguise your lies as a lover's appetite
my heart can't be sustained with you as my mate
my hopes are flying away like a runaway kite

i built you up and you tore me down
it hurts when you don't respond
your rejection slaps me around
i dumped your belongings into the pond

my tears echo in these empty hallways
your memory haunts every corner
i let you rule me with your dominant ways
my foolish pride made me a slow learner

your anger is the only part of you i knew
it's been long overdue to bid you a final adieu

Just Keep Swimming

i'm sitting here wondering how my life got to be so plain.
i'm like a fish swimming mindlessly with the current.
i don't ponder where to go because i'm too busy swimming forward.
i'm on cruise control and there's no one behind the wheel.
i wait on a response from a computer dating service.
rejections hard, but it's harder and colder when done by instant messaging
i have to start resisting and begin to swim against the current.

i don't want to spend all the hours that remain alone.
i shouldn't have to degrade myself for a kiss.
his touch sends my senses into fits of madness.
so now i know he's danger in human form,
i can hide out here until the coast is clear.
i have to remain calm and detached,
his kind attack when they smell your waiver will.

i'm hardwired to desire what i can't obtain.
the other one never appealed to me before,
but he got a woman, so now i flirt with him more.
i still don't want him, but he's more interesting.
just because another woman has staked her claim.
all my reasons are selfish and deluding.
i can't admit to myself that i fear love.
even now i can't digest the words.
i tell myself that can't be true, it just works well in this verse.

this little sunfish wants to be loved.
sex doesn't keep me warm on cold winter nights.
the memories i want to make require committment.
i'll just keep swimming until i run out of ocean.
one day i hope the net of love will scoop me up,
but i can't hold my breath forever.
i've got to throw back the men i can't keep!

Disaster Ahead

i can still taste you at the back of my throat
every time i swallow your saltiness is on my tongue
i lick my lips automatically to savor your flavor
there's something about you that has me hooked

i think these love bites on my neck are going to bruise
we're not passed the oral stage in the play
but each production brings my house down

i know there's no happily ever after with you
my libido doesn't care if you marry me
i'm like a horny teenage boy these days
i just want to get laid every day, all day long

i'm sexually charged out to the max
and your touch sends me into full climax
all the warning signs are here
watch out woman, there's only disaster ahead,
but i keep letting you do what you you want to do to me!

Break Itself Apart

i'm slipping back into bad habits.
you're bringing me emotions i thought i had resolved.
i asked you to come back.
i was stupid to do that.
i answer the call of my heart.
even if it's wanting to break itself apart.

i was surprised you agreed to be here with me once more.
i warned you a part of me was still in love with you.
i never told you that part of me was my heart.

i've tried to move on.
i've gone on dates.
i've been screwing around, but your name hovers on my lips with every kiss.
i don't want to string someone else along when i can't fall in love with them.

i love the way you work yourself up into a frenzy.
you have to have the last word in.
it can be maddening, but i find your passion intoxicating.
i never want to stop partaking in your intellectual double talk.

the way you touch me stokes my desires into burning higher.
i know this will only break my heart.
i can't deny what my heart wants.
even if it's wanting to break itself apart.

it only crys for you.
it never listens to my reasons not to.
my heart loves committing high treason.
and i'm left with the fall out.

you changed a few things.
we don't talk every day this time.
you're working hard to draw the lines.
the sex got better, i got thinner and you got fatter.
six months had passed with no contact, but we came together hotter then ever.

the future isn't clear.
my heart has become ensared by you again.
i love the way you relish the mundane.
your zest for enjoying the little things amazes me.

i thought i'd learn my lesson.
you had schooled me and i cried like an empty headed fool.
but here i am ready to be yours again.
my heart's yearning is stronger then my will to refuse it.

you once told me i was self-indulgent.
now i'm wishing i wasn't.
my heart can't let you go.
even thought its wanting you will cause it to break itself apart once more.

Mouth Full

isolation is salvation.
do i even need to speak today?
if you never say anything then no one can misunderstand you.

silence is golden and loose lips sinks ships.
you hurt my feelings and don't even flinch.
i wish you never spoke to me.

your words strip my soul and rape my feeling over and over.
you call yourself brutally honest.
i think you like being mean.

i'm tired of being the brunt of your jokes.
i'm sick of getting cut on your barbs.
that tongue of yours gives me goosebumps when it licks my flesh,
but chills me to the bone when it's not.

i've been avoiding you.
i thought i had toughened up, but my skin still isn't thick enough.
your voice gets under it every time you talk.

i don't want to hear you talk to me anymore.
i guess i will have to find a way to keep your mouth full.
that way i can actually enjoy your company.

So Damn Cool!

i'm unable to see where we went wrong.
we've crossed over the road we should be on.
i won't hesitate to tell you what i think.
i know you think it's too late.
i can forgive if you can forget.
i want to glue all these pieces of us back together again.

listen to my praryers.
all i've had for company since you left,
is the Father, His son and the Holy Ghost.
And you only believe in one of those.
I'm no one, but i want to be someone.
when we were at our best no one could tear us down.

i confess i'm a mess.
my ability to handle this is gone.
by my words and hurtful actions i've left myself depressed.
i feel vunerable and confused, but you seem so damn cool!
like none of this bullshit ever effects you.

tell me what you want to hear,
please, make it very clear.
i know you're never coming back.
i'll just have to adapt.
it wouldn't bother me so much if you could act like you cared.
i guess i do see where we went wrong.

I Don't Want to Hate You

i got hope growing inside of me.
peace and happiness are taking root.
i'm building my own ark to save me from my old tears.
i don't want to hate you.

i'm finding someone new.
he's going to be better for me then you.
goodbye's hurt, but new beginnings are sweet.

i look out into the darkness.
i dismiss my fears.
there's no time to wallow in my tears.
i treasure every memory we made, but i need new ones to keep my heart fed.
i don't want to fear you.

my mind rolls along passed the thunder clouds you made.
the sun is finally shining down on me.
life isn't as complicated as you want it to be.

i dream of days free from worry.
i'm exhausted from all the sleepless nights.
i know i tried everything, but nothing ever satisfied you.
i'll miss your smile the most.
i don't want to forget you.

there's no stranger knocking on my door.
i have a life to live.
i can't waste anymore time on you.

Death of My Social Self or Sad Song

one more sad song plays on to pacify my lonely heart.
there's nothing new, but plenty of the same old shit here.
the house needs cleaned, but i have no energy.
i sit on the couch and pout about your lack of affection.
i haven't spoken to anyone all day, but in the silence i only find pain.

the urge to pick up the phone to call you is overwhelming.
i don't want you to know how desparate i am to hold you.
these moments of sanity are few and far between.
i realize your life is easier without me.
that makes me sad, but i have no tears to cry for you.

the dark is coming sooner now; it's time to fall back.
the light excludes the parts of me i spend the most time with.
i'm working more, eating less, and cursing the day i met you.
no more nonsense when you come around.
i will untie my tongue and tell you how i feel.

"i" is so selfish, i'm obsessed with myself.
how do i feel, what do i want, where do i belong?
i've lost the ability to empathize with others.
i've drowned in my lonliness.
this death of my social self may be permanent.
no more promises will come out of my mouth!
i will do this all on my own.

i can't stop writing because there is no more paper.
i can't quit thinking because no one cares what i think.
i have opinions even though no one wants to hear them.
i don't need a room full of people to pity me.
the voices in my head and i will have each other.
there will always be a sad song for us to sang along to!

Dare To Be Myself

i feel heavy, like i've been sedated.
the lime green fleece blanket wrapped around me is the only warmth i feel.
he's not what i need, but he's what i want.
i'm cursed with a restless heart and a high sex drive.
even if i get to keep him, i will leave him.
my soul is scheduled for a thorough cleaning, but i keep cancelling.
i'm not ready to be righteous.
my questions keep tackling me within one yard of the goal line.

comfort and comfortable is all i seek and need.
there's an excitement to playing with matches.
you hope one catches you on fire, but you cry when it does,
because the burns hurt and the scars are ugly.
this is my typical pattern of behavior, it leads me to these dark places.
if i could see past my emotions i'd have room to breath.
everyone is annoying me.

all i do is wait.
i'm waiting for a call.
i'm waiting for an email.
i'm waiting for a text.
i'm waiting for a test result.
my life is on pause.

if you promise to catch me, i promise to let go and fall.
i don't know where i belong.
nothing has ever fit me.
God gave me so many people who love me, but he never gave me the gift to love them back.
there's something broken in me.
i can't keep pretending it'll all be okay.

i say all seven of his sacred names, but the prayer brings no relief of my pain.
these ups and downs are making me dizzy.
when will i settle into something real.
my illusions cushion me from what is cruel.
i want to dare to be different, but i am different.
so i just need the courage to dare to be myself!

The Calm of Dying

i have to uncover my own voice.
i found my intentions, but i'm scared to tell you.
fear nails my mouth shut.
i'm not able to do this by myself,
but if you aren't in on this, it makes trying pointless.

september is a peaceful month,
full of the calm of dying.
nature gives up the ghost
and the leaves give one last show.
then they all fall down, dead, onto the ground.

i wish i had death's patience.
death never rushes, but waits calmly.
it knows we all have to die some day,
but i need to focus on living,
while i'm able to do what needs to be done.

i have to take my newly discovered ambitions
all the way to the end this time.
there's something i've wanted for a long time.
i never thought i deserved to have anymore.
now i'm sure my job isn't done.
i'm scared but excited too.

i'm giving myself a deadline.
you have to have a goal to achieve anything.
i might end up disappointed
or in a huge messy situation,
but i am ready to take this step.
it is better to ask for forgiveness then permission!

A Little Rumor

a little rumor about you and me is going around
i swear i only said three words, he's my type.
the buzz has begun, where do these things come from?
you've got my curiousity in overdrive.
i fear the talk will drive you away,
but it's not my fault!

my words have been taken out of context.
i said i think you're cute,
but i never said anything that would hurt.
you're backing up and changing course.
my emotions can't run their course.
you are under the influence of other people's opinions.

a little rumor has gotten it all wrong.
i want you badly but you don't know what to do.
you're hovering over me like a lone rain cloud.
my desires are getting the best of me.
i'll make a promise to you to never speak of you again.
will that settle your skittish nerves?
i'm not the one that is cheating on someone.
tell me please, what the hell do you want from me?

Power Over Me

you'd think after all these years i'd forget what you did,
but it all comes back to me too easily.
once you've been violated it never leaves your memory.
now i weep because someone i love now knows the pain i've tried to let go,
but the pain never forgets my name!

i remember the sounds and the smells of that day like it was this morning
your words still whisper to me in the middle of my night terrors
i was so young and naive
i thought it was innocent fun, but it got ugly so quickly.
i walked out of your bedroom in silence.
i still can't talk about it.
we never had sex again!
you haunt me and i'm sick of your fat ass'd ghost hanging around!

time is supposed to heal all wounds,
but i'm so scarred it's ridiculous.
every man i'm with i wonder if he'll hurt me like you did.
i've tried to move on, but it creeps into every relationship i've ever had.
the damage is mine to keep.
i'm not sure i helped her, but it's more then i did for myself.

i've wasted too much time in the past.
i need to move on.
the injuries that remain are all psychological.
he never thought he did anything wrong.
i wasn't strong,
but now i know how to make a stand.
the statue has expired,
but i'm done with it!
i'm over being his victim.
he no longer has any power over me!

The Risk

i've sunken down into the depths of despair
down here things aren't clear
i can hear you shouting my name
but you sound a million miles away

you can't carry my baggage anymore
i'm missing the fireworks that went off every time you walked through the door
we got comfortable with each other
that was when we got into trouble

i forgot how sweet you felt between the sheets
and you couldn't remember why you loved me
boredom seeped into the cracks inbetween us
the familiar became bittersweet
and we couldn't keep passion's fire burning in our hearts

finding someone new became all i knew
he couldn't be anything like you
you were the poison and i needed to find the anti-dote
these feeling of escape drove me into reckless escapades
i broke your heart for no reason
i stopped trying and you stopped caring
we broke down 1/2 way down the road

your touch is no longer mine
your kisses go to someone else
i didn't look at you anymore
i just saw right passed you
fog rolled into my thoughts

i saw greener grass on the other side of the fence
but when i got there the grass wasn't what i thought it'd be
i miss you, but i took that risk
no i'm paying the consequence
you're in love and it isn't with me

Bully

12:30 am the phone rang and the world went crazy.
i didn't say hello, i went right to what's wrong?
i've gotten this call before from dad, last time my mom had died, this time my neice is in icu!
i went from sound asleep to wide awake in one heart beat.
she's going to physically get better, but her mind is in a real bad place.

i've been depressed enough to try it.
i know exactly where she's at right now.
my heart is breaking with her pain.
i want to hold her tight and let her cry it all out.
that boy is a poison!
these are boo boo's i can't kiss away.
this precious child is being bullied to death by a boy that told her he'd love her until the day he died!
if i had my way that day would be today.

the teenage drama has gotten out of hand.
the new girlfriend travels in a pack of mean girls.
they're spreading lies, they tell her they are going to kill her.
the school did nothing, the 5 said they were innocent.
5 against 1 is not a fair fight.
my neice is a sweet and sensitive soul.
she hurts when she thinks you are mad at her.
she takes after my mom on that.
it's no way to live to put your happiness into other's hands.

it is time for her to heal.
hell is being raised at the school.
she will need to change and grow.
it's a hard way to learn to stand up for yourself.
God, help her, and help us to help her.
bring me the words to say to her.
send her the holy ghost to comfort her.
we will be here for her.
she can overcome this and be strong.
she will live through this!

Chemistry

i don't need my glasses on to see the warning attached to wanting you.
i prance around enchanted by your smile.
i push out my chest and curl my hair.
i want you to call me beautiful.
these games of entrapment we play where nobody wins.
you whisper all the things you want to do to me, but we never get that far.

our breaths mix as we stare at one another.
there's always some interruption, but we keep trying to steal one more minute together.
baby, you're my new drug, cuz i'm addicted to you.
my stomach tightens, my hips feel heavy, my head is spinning,
and every thought is focused on your heartbeating under my hand.
the seconds never last long enough.
i can't wait to be pulled into your arms again.

this antcipation is intoxicating.
i'm your fool.
you have me right where you want me.
you hold all my cards.
i've tried to forget above how your touch makes me feel,
but our chemistry is explosive.
i can't get over your affect on my flesh.

i get goosebumps every time i see you.
you're so close, but i can't reach out to touch you.
you are like the forbidden apple on a tree i can't even reach.
our words say so little, but when we get physical it's so loud it deafens me.

these brief encounters leave me unsatisfied.
i don't know how much more of your teasing i can take.
you are dangerous and i'm feeling reckless.
you're toying with me like a cat toys with a mouse.
it's not enough to keep me happy.
i need you to immerse yourself into me.
we don't know each other's details, but the way we make each other feel can't be wrong.
you feel so good to me.

we have a magnetic attraction to each other.
for 2 years we were unaware,
now we see and feel its weight bearing down on us.
we can't ignore it.
you have so much more then me to lose.
the timing is bad i know, but pandora's box has been opened.
you can't pour liquid fire back into a shattered jar.
we need to fight fire with fire.
we need to focus on what matters.
explore this chemistry to the fullest until we exhaust each other!